Chuck Brown Is Dead and Thangz

Godfather of Go-Go Chuck Brown is Dead; Ashes to Interred at Ben's Chili Bowl (I ain't shat for that...)

Relax: Charlie Wilson is alive and sanging to women in large underwear across the Tidewater area.

No this jheri curl enthusiast, coonery ambassador and staunch opponent of lip moisturizing products (you see it!) is Chuck Brown - and he is currently performing his hit "Bustin' Loose" for jaysus - LIVE!

New SWV Video ...?

Look Inside: New SWV Video aka The Side Eye Felt Around The World

You all think SO little of me - I know damn well you clicked on this in full expectation of my reading SWV down. Mmmmhmmm, you expected copious comments on Taj's clear love affair with Mrs. Winners. You expected a heaping serving of side eyes directed at the Totally Hair Barbie weave action.

And naturally, you counted on open speculation about how low the RushCard balances had to get before this "situation" became an option.

WELL YOU WERE WRONG!

Though yes, I do admit that the actors in this jammie could use some tips from The Africa Channel ... AND I admit that the fur vest had my eyebrow arched mightily ... I actually DO think this lil song is cute and they look pretty good!

That's not to say I didn't note the obvious - ie.
why is Coko singing romantically to her son
did she mean to say "wifey and some grandkids?"
was LeLee doing the grandma rock
why they didn't at least spritz these girls' joints with a lil WD40 before proppin' them up in front of the camera

And yes, fine, I'll admit that I mistook Taj and her power jowls for San Francisco 49r Delanie Walker.

But I declare, with Cynthia Bailey's Poetic InJustice braids as my witness, that's all the scattered, capped and smothered shade I have for this ditty!

See how I'm growing!

(and I will NOT ask whether LeLee is storing additional truck jewelry - you SAW IT - in her pouch, no matter how hard you press the issue...)

Today's Sadness Sammich...

Christopher "Kid" Reid Arrested, Video Link (and sadness sammich) Inside

FREE THE IRRIDESCENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jaysus be a cozy tanning bed and a gang of Banana Boat extra bronze, sun-baked goodness tanning oil.

Apparently Powder / The Ghost of Rap Careers Past / Batman villain "Hyperwhite" /Christopher "Kid" Reid, of Kid-n-Play fame (involuntary bowel movement - pardon me) has gone the route so well beaten by the likes of Tupac, Ja Rule, DMX, Gucci Mane (and lips), T.I. etc. -- HE'S ALL UP IN THE JAILY JAIL!!!

Today in Race Embarrassment: 2 Live Crew Front Man Uncle Luke Running For Mayor

Uncle Luke for mayor! Ass shots for all!

“I’m not no career politician and I ain’t gonna act like no career politician”

This absolutely cannot happen in America.

Uncle Luke – yes, the curly-collar polo shirt wearing former front man of ‘80s ass music vendors 2 Live Crew - is running for Mayor of Miami and, according to this report, he’s “As serious as he wants to be.”

Pardon me while I drop thee fuck dead.

I’d seen this a while back dear readers, but I was far too busy getting my updo tightened and my talons slathered in OPI’s To God Be The Glory (a fetching shade of opalescent white) in preparation for the rapture of love to pay attention to any gap-toothed political ambitions, such as they aren’t. We all know what happened when jaysus got high and forgot to teleport all of us believers to The Upper Room last week, so we won't get salty about THAT shazzamery all again. *side eye to the sky*

Anyway, when I saw the video of this my mind was changed. In the spirit of metropolitan transit authorities across the country, I felt motivated to speak out. If you see something, say something game proper!

THIS:


He wants all meetings recorded eh? Mmmmhmm, that’s a trap. Be warned council members - you all go on camera if you wanna. Someone will pour a bottle of champagne over your head and run a dusty ATM card between your cheeks about four minutes in – THEN sell it at a flea market in Little Haiti.

And that’s just not what jaysus had in mind children.

This, people, is coonetry done right. Martin Luther The Kang did not die in vain!

Mid-day Foolywang: Whitney Houston - I'm back in drug rehab, but not for drugs!

UPDATE: Apparently Bobbi Kristina (you know, Whitney Houston's highly successful daughter) could be heading to club muff for something involving guns. Is there some type of miracle water or magic beans or something we can get these folks??? Because when Bobby Brown's yestersexy ass is doing the best in the family, you're beyond the help of Jaysus!

Whitney Houston is back! *whispers* in rehab. (I'm such a faulty person.)

I guess when she said she was clean two years ago, she meant to say dirtier than rapper Jim Jones' period draws. And from the looks of that swarthy ninja, that's pretty damned dirty.

According to CNN, Washington Post and assorted other entities snickering this afternoon:

"Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. "Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Houston initially entered rehab in 2004, telling ABC News interviewer Diane Sawyer at the time: "I partied a lot. Trust me: I partied my tail off." But, the singer also admitted, "You get to a point where you know the party's over."

Now, her spokesperson won't specify just what she's getting treatment for, but sounds to me like Nippy's back up to her "Waiting to Inhale" antics, hitting homerun slides into piles of white magic Tony Montagna-style. In the words of iconic beard enthusiast Teddy Riley, "It. Ain't. Over."

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Honestly, this confession only shocks you if you a) haven't heard her squawk sing recently, or b) haven't taken a look at the alien-incubator midsection she's been cultivating for the past 15 quarters.

Naturally, I've BEEN on to her: You can't keep slithering into evening dresses with that Somalian-who-just-ate-a-hearty-sammich type figure and not arouse an eyebrow raise on the Hostile One, mkay?

The news follows about two summers of sham wows. It was just 2009 when Whitney Houston tagteamed with Jaysus and Clive Davis to release a new album and declare herself spic and span - a move emphasized by her appearance sans disheveled wig and in sensible shoes. Clive rolled out a cleaned up, fully trussed version of Whitney Houston - it was like Frankie had been run through an all-cloth car wash!

Well apparently either Jaysus couldn't help her or he sold her the rocks. He can be real funny that way! According to media reports she gave an uneven performance at a Dionne Warwick tribute recently and we're all familiar with the "on again, off again" schedule she maintained during her "Nothing But Love" comeback tour a year ago.

Don't these musicians watch The Five Heartbeats? You can't do The Drugs and keep making money!

In any event, I think it's time for Whitney Houston's handlers to accept the inevitable: This once golden-voiced diva has ruined herself and there is, sadly, no chance for a return. She'll come back when Naomi Campbell's hairline does - which will be never.

Instead, I'm suggesting they consider a "Teddy Ruxpin" strategy, in which Whitney Houston (rather than being asked to actually perform) is fitted with an Mp3 player chest panel with a pre-selected playlist for all future concert performances. This relieves the pressure on the faded diva, who will be responsible only for an extra shoulder shimmy and a colorful "I look to you Cleveland! Woohoo!" during each performance, while ensuring audiences are not subject to any type of croaking or other fuggery.



It's an updated Milli Vanilli!


PS: Far be it from me to imply shady dealings, but haven't you noticed that Bobby Brown is back out with music (Nostradamus end times prediction no. 22,300,873) AND there's talk of a Waiting to Exhale sequel? Could this actually be a very elaborate attempt at stealing Stroke Mouth's shine??

Oh Nippy! That's just tired.

Remember that dude from the Jacksons miniseries? Yeah, he's currently working as the Crypt Keeper's stunt double

For years I've crying out to the heavens for a part two of my and every red-blooded American negro's favorite TV miniseries, "The Jacksons: An American Dream." (What are you gonna do Joseph , get a switch off a tree? Go to bed Joseph. Go. To. BED!)

There's plenty of fodder - lord knows, the topic of Jermaine's "hair" evolution deserves its own series and possibly a summer course at UCLA - but for reasons unknown, the TV powers that be have decided instead to focus on bringing us such treacle as Real World Season 430: "We're not even gonna pretend this is a show anymore," in which they just toss five horny white people in the back of a tractor trailer with some condoms, a bottle of syrup and a night vision cam.

But you don't hear me though.

Anyhow - if you love the lawd like I love the lawd, you've watched The Jackson miniseries everytime it has ever come on and recognize the above face well.

Now here's what you WON'T recognize:


Got + Damn= THIS.

Yes. This is how 2011 is doing a brutha. I wouldn't get on the other side of that finger - something tells me whatever he points to is going to die. SOON.

This is an ad for the MAC Men line Little Richard has been I've been advocating for if I ever saw it. If there's not a 190 brush and a pot of N43 with this brother's name on it at a Macy's in Ventura then this just ain't America.

After spotting this recent and rare image of Death making a guest appearance - and feeling fairly certain that this man was deep in the throes of ebola or the bubonic plague or something - I went to that font of universal accuracy known as Wikipedia to get the scoop.

Shockingly, there were no references to a deadly disease which might cause one to look like the Grim Reaper's less attractive cousin, but I did happen upon the following sadness:

Jason Michael Weaver (born July 18, 1979) also known by his stage name J-Weav (STOP RIGHT NOW - Luv THN) is an American actor and singer. .... He also appears as an extra in the music video "Rock Yo Hips" by Crime Mob featuring Lil Scrappy and "Make Up Bag" by The-Dream featuring T.I.

The last time I saw Diamond from Crime Mob, she was at Cascade in some leggings and house shoes swinging some highly suspect yaki.

If my coins were in any way attached to that fuckery, I think I'd be lookin' like a wayward Rwandan under the eyes too.

As you were - which if you are J-Weav, looks a lot like this:

Ginuwine compares Aaliyah to Beyonce (A THN "Ninja Please" moment)

Awww damn, Ginuwine is flaring up again. I keep telling you, no matter how long it's gone, and no matter how smooth the skin looks, you got to keep taking the pills and using the cream-gel, or else your Ginuwine is gonna come back.

You would think they would have a cure for this by now.

He tells AOL's Boombox

"Aaliyah was in a class by herself," Ginuwine tells The BoomBox. "If you're talking triple threat of a writer, singer and actress, that would probably be Beyoncé. If Aaliyah were still here, she and Beyoncé would be neck and neck."

Oh Elgin. Why you still bringing up old shit?


Aaliyah is dead.
Lauryn Hill has gone bananas.
Sighted women are having sex with Gucci Mane.
And Rihanna is strangely a star for something that doesn’t involve a pole or the words “clap clap.”

Life sometimes can be confusing. You may find yourself frightened in a world that seems strange and disorienting, much like Chris Brown’s new blond hair. But we got to just move on with our lives boo!

And with that in mind, I urge you to duck back down into your mole hole Elgin – because it has NOT gone unnoticed that you are still trying to séance your career back to life (you didn’t think this whole post was about Aaliyah? Girl bye, she’s in another dimension drinking Lokos and plucking her nose hairs right now – wholly unbothered).

No, this post is actually about the sudden Ginuwine outbreak. Don’t get THN wrong – back in the “In Those Jeans” days, Elgin was ridin’ high. That video was DOOOOOPE. But lest we forget from whence my shade floweth, let me just remind you of THIS little incident the other month:



Many doves cried over that one.

Until Mr. ‘wine decides to make reasonable music befitting a man of his advanced age, I will continue to remind him of his Code Lavendar irrelevance status and warn him not to leave his home again. You are a ghost. And ghosts have to stay in Phantasmagora.

As you were.

Foxy Brown to release Lil Kim dis record. In other news: Entire world somehow teleported back to '97...

Now that your children have finished crying over the picture to my immediately left, care of Crunk and Disorderly...
From TheSource:

Looks like Lil Kim now has another female rapper to shake off. Foxy Brown is reportedly dropping a diss record toward Kim Christmas Eve. Set to be released at a holiday party held at Brooklyn’s Club Jelani, “Christmas Massacre” will address her problems with the Queen Bee. This wouldn’t be the first though. Foxy released a low-key diss track toward Lil Kim earlier this year entitled “Let Em Know,” where she went at Kim’s stint on “Dancing With The Stars.” She spits, “I’d rather be at a club at the bar than to disrespect my hood, you ‘Dancing With The Stars’/Nah, I’m in the hood taking chances with the Gods.’ Not sure how I feel about Foxy’s motives on this one. 50, what do you think?

Snort.

Ok seriously? Like, seriously? I can think of about fifty-leven things Inga (aka Foxy Hound) should be doing besides issuing a dis record; most of them involve weave bond glue and an Ab Roller. But dissin' Lil Kim? You mean Lil Kim who currently looks about one nostril pinch from being a Jackson? You mean Lil Kim who is valiantly fighting a near fatal case of the "can't takes" brought on by the kaleidescope wigs and spasms of Nicki Minaj? Are we talking about THAT Lil Kim? Because I'm fairly certain that the both of these chicks became ghosts a few presidents ago.

It's like a race to the irrelevance finishline! You really should stop beefin' post menopause. I'm just saying.

PS: I just hope the track fairy leaves something under this young lady's (?) pillow real soon. The rabid Argentinean prostitute hair is a no go!

Today in Irrelevance...

Pic from Ja Rule's website (muffled laughter)

UPDATE: Ja Rule Gets Two Years, or sumpin' like that. Well I don't know about you, but I'm gonna have to take a few days off work.


Blank stare. This right here is devastating. I'm serious - I may need to hum and rock with it because I'm not sure how the community is going to rebound.

Rapper Ja Rule's future in hip-hop may be in jeopardy as a pending gun trial is set to begin as early as this week with jury selection reportedly taking place today.

I mean, WTF. We just lost Wesley (I'm collecting soaps, apple jelly and lip gloss for a Pelican Bay gift basket, BTW), DMX is actin' up and now this? I mean, Ja Rule brought up soooo many hits. Who can forget _____ . And then there was _______.

And I know exactly where I was when I first heard _________.

I implore you White America, don't take Ja Rule from us. Now excuse me while I go hum it out.

Today in irrelevance

Rapper DMX arrested again on parole violation

Embattled rapper DMX is in trouble with the law again - the hip-hop star was arrested in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday on suspicion of parole violation.

The rap star - real name Earl Simmons - has served two stints in prison this year and most recently walked free in August after serving 18 days of a 90-day sentence in connection with a reckless driving conviction from 2002.

More here.


In other news: Remind me, when did this man last make music? Have I fallen back into some sort of 1996 vortex? *patting head, rubbing legs* No, I don't have a weave and I'm not wearing one of those SWV-style Adidas skirt sets. So I do indeed think we remain in 2010.

WHY IS THIS MAN STILL RELEVANT??????