American Hoodery Exported: Nigerian Music, "Crank that Naija Boy" Makes The Rounds

Disclaimer:

*No Zamundans were harmed in the filming of these videos!*


You know it has to be serious if I risked my life gnawing through twine and busting out of the the cage in which Chris Brown has held me for the past three weeks (custom constructed from Rihanna’s hair and bones, respectively) to bring you this post.

But this, dear readers, is serious. I am a soldier in the war against ratchetery and I will go down fighting before I allow the forces of banjiness to destroy this beautiful planet!

From weave to shining weave!!!

With that, I bring you this - some type of Africanized Soulja Boy hybrid that features congos, Muslim robes and a heavy dose of Jaysus tears.


Naija Boy up in this hoe ... watch me shake my ass like so.”


You know, YouTube has been a repeat offender and corporal in the Elite Coonery Squadron for at least four years but this ... wait, I hear my cell phone. Hello.

Who is this? It’s who? The ancestors calling from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? What are you saying - wait calm down, calm down stop yelling!! Ok, got it.

Kunta and them said they did NOT endure the Middle Passage for you and Matumbe to be posted up on an ‘88 Honda talm’ ‘bout Zulu-mannin’ that hoe while your cousin breakbacks it to congos in the background!



Shaka is going to fug. you. up.


So for those of you who aren’t aware, apparently Naija is a cutesy term for Nigerian which is a cutesy term for ratchet charlatan who will try to get you to wire them $5,000 to help them secure the future of their kingdom.

Yup, I’m that batch. Bring it on Naija Boyz!

In addition to cooking up some of the most HEELARIOUS direct-to-DVD Nigerian movies you could ever hope to see (don’t act like you haven’t scanned the back cover of “Ajila’s Choice” while gnawing on a goat nugget at the African swap meet...) apparently Naijas also enjoy remaking videos of the American hood variety.

I could go on about the trials and tribulations of Nigerian music, but the power of grayskull won’t let me. So I’ll just post the videos and let you sift through your emotions.

Tissues are in the drawer.

*Warning: These Naija videos include several disturbing images of Motherland hoodery.



Naija Girls (Proof that the horrors of $50 sew ins have indeed hit the Motherland)





I'm not going to sit here and lie to you: I've been fascinated by the banginess of African pop culture for at least a century. More than once The African Channel's soap operas have left me posted up on a couch for hours on end, determined to figure out if Mnuembe really DID get it on with Onyeka after the Naija Boyz concert in Lagos!

If you've got a hankering for more ratchetry, and let's face it, you're ignorant so you definitely do, check out NaijaTube and prepare for uncontrollable weeping and kee kees. In that order.

Gaddafi is runway ready - and so is Mandela (please bury me facing due west...)

YOU. DO. NOT. WANT. NONE.

Can we PLEASE set aside our morning muffin tops and international shade to embrace the stunning optical glory that is Muammar Gadaffi?

I mean, sure, from my understanding, this gentlesquire may have been involved with some type of chicanary of the dictatorship sort. Haven’t we ALL?

And yes, there may be a few thousand deaths or tortures or disembowelments or something that he’s loosely connected to. Aren’t we ALL?

But even Michelle Obama herself can’t deny the unwavering swag-magoria of this exquisite fashion horse.

Pale yellow inaugural ball gown my chafed ass – what does SHE know about that nite-glo purple, satin night sheet/throw that doubles as a couture monk’s robe, with the Eddie Murphy "Raw" pillbox hat to match?


TELL THE DJ BRANG IT BACK

Mother Gadaffi, the rest of the world may be aligned against you, but I know what's really going on - they can't take your fashion misfitry. So many times I too have fallen up in the club in my full length, Mmbaka Couture cape (with lion's mane hood) and Terminator shades only to hear these likes of Obama and the rest of these ignorant UN types keekeeing at my style. They can't take us girl, they can't. take. us.

Speaking of fashion, the negroes did THIS today:


(nobody will win in this scenario, I promise you)

From So Jones -

The Mandela Foundation is coming out with a clothing line. Named after Mandela’s inmate number at Robben Island Prison (oooof!) the 46664 Apparel Line was announced yesterday.
The profits from this project will help sustain the foundation’s charitable gifts and at the same time boost South Africa’s textile and clothing industry which has been in trouble for quite some time.

Is this what they call serendipity? I mean, I’ve been wracking my brain for months now on how I could pull off a 1993 African lollipop kid soccer player look (reminiscent of Arsenio Hall’s outfit in the morning exercise scene of “Coming to America”) in shades of ROYGBIV. If this comes with croquet mallots, summer 2011 is gonna be all the way turnt up on my end. (I predict this will be VERY popular at Capital Pride...)

Just out of curiousity, aren’t there some nations that Mandela and them need to be freeing or some people that need to be unoppressed or something?

Because all I’m seeing here is more opportunity for fashion oppression. Haven’t Africans been dressing badly long enough – don’t be offended dear reader, you know you have a Ntzake or a Kwaku or a Tesfaye in your life who won’t let that hard bottom shoe and sweat pants combo go softly into the night! (Don’t they set it AWF with a sweater… so 3008)

This is the biggest disappointment since my Lil Flip sneakers got lost in snail mail… AND my Jeezy snowman fanny pack was ruined in that freak “This Is It” wing sauce incident … AND I lost my AKOO tampon case at Six Flags.

Why won’t life let me be great???

(PS: With the entire cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as my witness, one day I too will be rich enough to afford to have my body reupholstered in head to toe suede.)

Songs in the key of fuggery: Egyptian man names child Facebook

Allah take the whee... you know what. Nevermind. *tosses sand into the air*



Huffington Post


No need to tell me - you didn't pay attention in Dimwali and your GED course didn't include Arab, so you have no idea what this sign says. Here's a clue: He's not asking you to visit his page.

No. He's ruining his child's life. One letter at a time.


From Tech Crunch:

A young man in his twenties wanted to express his gratitude about the victories the youth of 25th of January have achieved and chose to express it in the form of naming his firstborn girl "Facebook" Jamal Ibrahim (his name.) The girl's family, friends, and neighbors in the Ibrahimya region gathered around the new born to express their continuing support for the revolution that started on Facebook. "Facebook" received many gifts from the youth who were overjoyed by her arrival and the new name. A name [Facebook] that shocked the entire world.

And then there was this. I'm in a state of conflict, however, over this item. I mean, technically, Egypt IS in Africa. So under the traditional rules of the game, this DOES count as black folk fuckery. BUUUUUUUUUT, this guy seems Arab to me. And that means that The Browns would have to take ownership of this fine incident.

Either way, I think there's a brown baby somewhere whose first words will be along the lines of "Seriously though?"


The REAL joke is on the daddy: Facebook (pronounced in the vein of Sade and with a long AND short 'O' sound) happens to be the no. 1 name among black female babies born to ratchet mothers in Brooklyn this winter.

Kosher beef between two rappers - Drake and other Jew rapper fighting about being Jewish enough

From CNN

Why won't people just let me live in peace? I'm busy providing for my family of nonopulets on the pole, slangin' this dope, hatin' on hoes and offering 'round the clock coverage of LilKimPocolypse and ninjas wanna toss THIS in there?

Meanwhile, I don't understand why Drake's completely Lil Wayne doppelganger routine goes unchecked. I mean, can I TELL you how many times I said "Awwww yeah boeeeeey that Wayne jawn is fire" only to find out it was Schlomo, or whatever this ninja is calling himself?

Whatever. Who got beef???

From CNN:

In a new interview with TMZ, reggae rapper Matisyahu disses Drake as not being true to his roots.
"He's Jewish, but he's not representing Judaism," says the artist formerly known as Matthew Paul Miller.

Please don't let this devolve to a yarmulke-off.

"He happens to be Jewish, just like Bob Dylan happens to be Jewish, just like anyone happens to be Jewish. What I'm doing is really tapping into my roots and culture and trying to blend that with mainstream society and culture. So his being Jewish is just a byproduct, really. He's not representing that."

Hayle yeah son. He ain't representin' them streets mane. What he know about standing on them Brooklyn corners at 5 a.m., pushin' them dreidels so Nana can have some matza on the table????? What he know about having to celebrate Hannukah on Riker's Island????

While it appears Matisyahu may not be down with Drake's Jewishness, he does admit that he admires his talent.
"Drake is pretty good, man. He's got his thing but it's different than what I do. It's a different type of thing. As an MC, he's got me," he told TMZ. But he adds, "He doesn't have the reggae thing that I've got."

ERRRRRP. Wait a second. Did you just do a backup and U-turn it? Was this a bit of a stunt? *cancel the Hasidic lynch mob*

Replace with sad banana face.

Botswana President: Husky chicks need not apply!

You know, we here at The Hostile Negress are a fair sort. We believe in shedding light on negro shenaniganry among American AND African brown folk.

And in that vein I present:

Botswana President Explains "No Fatties" Policy

Botswana President Ian Kharma says he doesn't want a fat wife, because "she may fail to pass through the door, breaking furniture with her heavy weight and even break the vehicle's shock absorbers." Read more

Yes lawd. Don't you just love how Africans can be so polite and straight forward? He's not a hater folks. He is just concerned that she may fail to pass through doorways. He's no politically incorrect. He's just concerned about his ride.

I mean, what's the problem here? You, my dear misguidedly politically correct soul, YOU are the problem. Now stop eating that baconator right this instant. My Cutlass can't take it.

Seriously, where are the PR folks in Africa???