Arresting officers: YouTube is NOT a circumcision guide...

Black woman arrested following YouTube tutorial botched circumcision attempt (CTRL-ALT-DEL life...)

You mad? Yeah, YOU MAD!


If you've been paying attention to life then you know that behind Wikipedia, YouTube tutorials are THEE go-to reference for getting all of your important life lessons - you know, how to recreate a Beyonce Video Phone lip or learn how to drive a car or deliver a baby.

Hell, I was scheduled to use YouTube to perform an emergency vocal chord removal on Rihanna just last week, before I fug around and dropped my best butter knife behind the stove! (THIS LIFE!!!!)

Well word on the skreet is that you apparently want to go ahead and pass on the circumcision YouTube-torials. Mmmhmm - something about man-meat not being amenable to being snipped with safety scissors and a dab of Icy Hot (to dull the pain). Who knew!

From The Grio via AP:

Study: Black Women Have High Testosterone, Are Dudes (Oh, and they're ugly, but you knew that!)

Love Black Women? They're All High Testosterone-havin' Dudes (Sorry Boo!)

I knew this broad was going to blow our cover


Well it finally went and happened.

The jig is up black "women" – they’re on to us. You heard me right - they've figured out we're dudes! If you love black women, sorry.

Yes, it’s true. Black women are really just black men who got bored one day and wanted to expand the NBA – I tried to speak out against the scheme, but they just tossed me in a corner with some Wet-n-Wild Raspberry Oooh La La lipstick and said “Get the paintin’!”

Go ahead and take those socks out of your shirts, snatch those Tina Turner reject wigs off and drop your voice back down to The Temptations register. Take off the skirts – they’re not covering up that Refrigerator Perry figure anyhow.

Nicki Minaj, put those pads back in the couch boo.

It’s over. The dream has died. In a Psychology Today study, "Why are African American Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?", Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa has snatched our hip pads clean out:

Kanazawa (who is also the author of a book called Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters) speculates, "The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races."

I’m so glad I can finally untape my balls! Praise him!

I’m really surprised nobody got hip to our little scheme years ago – I mean, did people REALLY think those black women models Fashion Fair trots out were female?? (I mean really, how much high testosterone can you have and still be considered female..) How many times did YOU mistake one of their ads for a picture of Burt Reynolds?? *raises hand*

And I REALLY thought Omorosa and her steel jaw (I bet she can crack thee HAYLE out of some snow crab legs...) was gonna spill the beans.

Now the world knows - all of the famous black women you've known and loved are really dudes. Oprah? That's just Otis. Beyonce? Girl that's Brandon. And Wendy Williams? Well even I couldn't believe that one sneaked below the radar.

Even important black women in history were dudes: Harriet Tubman? That was Harry from the grocery store!



GIFSoup
PS: Florida was Florence...but you kind of figured that one on your own...


So nooooooow back to reality land: You know what’s more tired than this study? The fact that every time a study comes out, black women get all up in arms about it.

For the record, according to assorted studies over the years, black women:

- Are second only to Jabba the Hut in their massive obesity
- Pass most of the day in tree stands firing high powered crossbows at interracial couples
- Have 4,239 children – a year. (All with names ending in “-tae”)
- And are dying from breast cancer/heart attacks/diabetes/scrotal cancer/cancer of the entire body

Oh and those batches smell like Lysol and crawfish boil too! Annnnnnd they shop at Ross - tacky batches!

Here’s an idea: How about we just stop giving a rat’s ass about dumb ass studies advancing dumb ass theories done by dumb ass people who pay waaaaay too much attention to black women to be anything but completely, purely and unequivocably OBSESSED with them, k?

Stop giving these people the attention they crave and Dr. Kanazawa and all others of his ilk will return to their Ted Kazinsky style huts and watch child porn the way they do any other Tuesday.

And that’s the roundabout way of saying that me and my high testosterone are OVER IT.

Mid-day Foolywang: Whitney Houston - I'm back in drug rehab, but not for drugs!

UPDATE: Apparently Bobbi Kristina (you know, Whitney Houston's highly successful daughter) could be heading to club muff for something involving guns. Is there some type of miracle water or magic beans or something we can get these folks??? Because when Bobby Brown's yestersexy ass is doing the best in the family, you're beyond the help of Jaysus!

Whitney Houston is back! *whispers* in rehab. (I'm such a faulty person.)

I guess when she said she was clean two years ago, she meant to say dirtier than rapper Jim Jones' period draws. And from the looks of that swarthy ninja, that's pretty damned dirty.

According to CNN, Washington Post and assorted other entities snickering this afternoon:

"Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. "Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Houston initially entered rehab in 2004, telling ABC News interviewer Diane Sawyer at the time: "I partied a lot. Trust me: I partied my tail off." But, the singer also admitted, "You get to a point where you know the party's over."

Now, her spokesperson won't specify just what she's getting treatment for, but sounds to me like Nippy's back up to her "Waiting to Inhale" antics, hitting homerun slides into piles of white magic Tony Montagna-style. In the words of iconic beard enthusiast Teddy Riley, "It. Ain't. Over."

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Honestly, this confession only shocks you if you a) haven't heard her squawk sing recently, or b) haven't taken a look at the alien-incubator midsection she's been cultivating for the past 15 quarters.

Naturally, I've BEEN on to her: You can't keep slithering into evening dresses with that Somalian-who-just-ate-a-hearty-sammich type figure and not arouse an eyebrow raise on the Hostile One, mkay?

The news follows about two summers of sham wows. It was just 2009 when Whitney Houston tagteamed with Jaysus and Clive Davis to release a new album and declare herself spic and span - a move emphasized by her appearance sans disheveled wig and in sensible shoes. Clive rolled out a cleaned up, fully trussed version of Whitney Houston - it was like Frankie had been run through an all-cloth car wash!

Well apparently either Jaysus couldn't help her or he sold her the rocks. He can be real funny that way! According to media reports she gave an uneven performance at a Dionne Warwick tribute recently and we're all familiar with the "on again, off again" schedule she maintained during her "Nothing But Love" comeback tour a year ago.

Don't these musicians watch The Five Heartbeats? You can't do The Drugs and keep making money!

In any event, I think it's time for Whitney Houston's handlers to accept the inevitable: This once golden-voiced diva has ruined herself and there is, sadly, no chance for a return. She'll come back when Naomi Campbell's hairline does - which will be never.

Instead, I'm suggesting they consider a "Teddy Ruxpin" strategy, in which Whitney Houston (rather than being asked to actually perform) is fitted with an Mp3 player chest panel with a pre-selected playlist for all future concert performances. This relieves the pressure on the faded diva, who will be responsible only for an extra shoulder shimmy and a colorful "I look to you Cleveland! Woohoo!" during each performance, while ensuring audiences are not subject to any type of croaking or other fuggery.



It's an updated Milli Vanilli!


PS: Far be it from me to imply shady dealings, but haven't you noticed that Bobby Brown is back out with music (Nostradamus end times prediction no. 22,300,873) AND there's talk of a Waiting to Exhale sequel? Could this actually be a very elaborate attempt at stealing Stroke Mouth's shine??

Oh Nippy! That's just tired.

New Report: Wet and Wavy Weave/Beyonce Weave Antics Ravaging Black Women's Hairlines!

You would think 3M makes some sort of Velcro product targeted directly at the sketchy hairline community.

In a blockbuster article almost certainly influenced by Naomi Campbell's coastal erosion edges (honorable mention for model Cynthia Bailey and her hologram hairline...), U.S. News and World Report this week reports that relentlessly tacky, unconvincing and overall ratchet weaves creative hair concoctions are resulting in a generation of butterball-headed negresses.

From U.S. News and World Report:

A new study of middle-aged black women finds that almost 30 percent suffer from baldness and scarring in the center of their scalps, possibly because braids and weaves pull their hair too tight.

I call bullshit - judging from the average urban fastfood drive thru window, the number is at least 67 percent! But I concede that my study methods (tallying the number of askance glances I direct at assorted golden arches hairlines daily) aren't exactly scientific.

I digress - the report's author goes on to blame a mixture of black hairbraiding styles, relaxers (aka scream cream), hot combs and an assortment of (ratchet) black hairstyles for snatching negresses the world over cleaner than Bobby Brown's wallet. Mmmmhmmm, where's your Mizani Butter Blend Relaxer now??

One thing is clear about the baldness, however: "Once you get it, it's permanent," Kyei said, and the hair doesn't come back. "That's why a lot of African Americans wear wigs or put something on their scalp to hide their hair." -- I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU CALL KELLY ROWLAND OUT LIKE THAT! - THN

So about now you might be thinking, but THN, how did they do the study? Did they just run up on assorted women with Mr. Drummond-type hairlines at the weave shop and say "Hey woman, hey woman - I noticed that your hairline is giving a slight Houdini affect, sort of now you see it, now you don't. What's tee?"

Batch, you know that's EXACTLY what they did:

In the new study, Cleveland Clinic researchers examined the hair of 326 black women who were approached at churches and a health fair in Cleveland. The women answered questions about their hair and their health.

And THAT I would have given up an entire year's worth of "This Is It!" buffalo wings (don't front, I see you gnawing on the honey goodness) to watch. Can you imagine how they convinced Sister Jenkins to lift off this:




(Praise him!)


To reveal THIS:



Someone break the glass on the emergency Holy Water vial over by the organ. And grab that Kemi Oyl out of Sister Hawkins' bra while you're at it - we're about to go to war for the LORD! Hairline missionaries, ACTIVATE!!!!!

The things people will do when promised a few Pantene samples and a coupon to Wong's Weave Hut.

In the words of Chris Brown: I'm done.

(PS: No I do NOT feel sorry for these people. They knew when they're hairline started giving a Count Chocula affect what time it was! I continue to advocate natural hair styles for black women, if only to keep my decorative afro pick racket going strong on Etsy. I'm just sayin'!)

Remember that dude from the Jacksons miniseries? Yeah, he's currently working as the Crypt Keeper's stunt double

For years I've crying out to the heavens for a part two of my and every red-blooded American negro's favorite TV miniseries, "The Jacksons: An American Dream." (What are you gonna do Joseph , get a switch off a tree? Go to bed Joseph. Go. To. BED!)

There's plenty of fodder - lord knows, the topic of Jermaine's "hair" evolution deserves its own series and possibly a summer course at UCLA - but for reasons unknown, the TV powers that be have decided instead to focus on bringing us such treacle as Real World Season 430: "We're not even gonna pretend this is a show anymore," in which they just toss five horny white people in the back of a tractor trailer with some condoms, a bottle of syrup and a night vision cam.

But you don't hear me though.

Anyhow - if you love the lawd like I love the lawd, you've watched The Jackson miniseries everytime it has ever come on and recognize the above face well.

Now here's what you WON'T recognize:


Got + Damn= THIS.

Yes. This is how 2011 is doing a brutha. I wouldn't get on the other side of that finger - something tells me whatever he points to is going to die. SOON.

This is an ad for the MAC Men line Little Richard has been I've been advocating for if I ever saw it. If there's not a 190 brush and a pot of N43 with this brother's name on it at a Macy's in Ventura then this just ain't America.

After spotting this recent and rare image of Death making a guest appearance - and feeling fairly certain that this man was deep in the throes of ebola or the bubonic plague or something - I went to that font of universal accuracy known as Wikipedia to get the scoop.

Shockingly, there were no references to a deadly disease which might cause one to look like the Grim Reaper's less attractive cousin, but I did happen upon the following sadness:

Jason Michael Weaver (born July 18, 1979) also known by his stage name J-Weav (STOP RIGHT NOW - Luv THN) is an American actor and singer. .... He also appears as an extra in the music video "Rock Yo Hips" by Crime Mob featuring Lil Scrappy and "Make Up Bag" by The-Dream featuring T.I.

The last time I saw Diamond from Crime Mob, she was at Cascade in some leggings and house shoes swinging some highly suspect yaki.

If my coins were in any way attached to that fuckery, I think I'd be lookin' like a wayward Rwandan under the eyes too.

As you were - which if you are J-Weav, looks a lot like this:

The Hostile Negress Defines: Blackout (When A Negress Is Fed Up!)

BLACKOUT: The inevitable moment in a black, African-American, negro, person-of-color's life in which a person (often beige) crosses The Line, resulting in an epic ass-whooping, a string of profanity or some other profoundly uncomfortable moment of cultural dissonance typically ending with somebody's wig on sideways. So-called due to the verbal action of "blacking out" as well as the noun-like action of "blacking out" - as in passing out and awakening to find oneself clutching some errant batch's scalp.

Also refered to by some as a "nigga moment"

Examples -
Taquisha: Girl what happened between you and Megan? I noticed those endless nostril flares you've been giving her today.
Shante: Girl BYE, that batch raised her voice at me, tal'm 'bout, "Why isn't the coffee hot?" I blacked the FUG out on her, windmillin' all the way, or so they tell me. I just know she won't look me in the eye and I suddenly have a new brooch."

Situations that can lead to blackouts:
-Asking to touch a negress' hair
-Asking a negress to brush your hair
-Giving a negress the side eye

This was brought to you by the letter H. For hostile. But you knew that.

Meagan Good wants to play Whitney Houston (Kleenex available)

From Necole Bitchie


Let me just come out of the closet in saying that I absolutely have stood by Meagan Good through all of her many, MANY fashion missteps, errant hairstyles and tragic "acting." Why? Because I believe in my heart that she is simply a bad, bad batch and will one day inherit my pancake goddess crown.

But this sheat right chea? I mean, when you start talking about wanting to play Whitney Houston in a biopic? I just about spit my bland ass McDonald's oatmeal out, Three Stooges style (side note: Don't buy that shat. Ever.)

From an upcoming Vibe interview care of Necole Bitchie:

I’m kind of coming to the acceptance that [playing Aaliyah] maybe that might not happen.

You know I'm gonna go ahead and stop right there. Because as much as I love that heau, Aliyah tweren't nobody to be dreaming of playing. Hell, the batch was only alive for 21 years and spent half of that being lambasted as R-Kelly's potentially cross eyed nutsac minder. REAL. TALK.

Oh but there's more.

Right now, I’m focused on doing Whitney Houston’s life story. That’s my personal dream role. I grew up with Ray J. I know a lot of people that know her. I think it’s something that can definitely be a realization should I sit down with her and start developing it. Even though I know her story’s definitely not done by any means, I think what she’s already been through and to come out on the other side is a story all in itself.

Girl stop the world's rotation right. this. INSTANT. Booming Wizard of Oz-like laugh.

And there you have it. Somewhere, someone truly let this child of god down. When your goal is to play Whitney Houston - a role that will almost certainly involve diving into a piling of white powder or falling head first from a stage, I mean, there's really nothing else that can be said.

No. No I'm not going to leave it at that. If Tatiana Ali can be resurrected from the depths of 1991 to have that tired ass "Look what I can do with Sony Vegas 9" TV show (show in airquotes) then we can get Megan a job.

Who will join me in this today? I'm talkin' full on - rallies, prayer circles and possibly heading down to Alabama for a march across the Pettus bridge. We can't allow this!

First they came for Chipotle and we said nothing. Then they came for Meagan Good and we said nothing. What's next?????

Put down those pig's feet and DO SOMETHING!

Negro Please Alert: Michael Vick wants a family dog (with video)

Michael Vick: A new dog could help my rehabilitation



Sometimes my ability to throw shade escapes me - no rest for the weary as long as some of Us are around. I'm just gonna go sit in a rocking chair, lay a blanket over my lap and cling to the old rugged cross on this one.

Aretha's Got the Big C (and I don't mean cream pie you jerk!)

Normally I would eviscerate Ms. Franklin. Not because I'm an evil Hostile Negress who should never have been freed, but for very obvious reasons that involve malappropriated spaghetti straps. But this here? Not funny at all madame.

The Soul Diva herself has The Cancer. Or so they say:

FOX 2 News in Detroit has learned that the "Queen of Soul" has cancer. A relative of Aretha Franklin tells reporter Al Allen that the icon has cancer. Another relative says the family is very concerned.

(can we PLEASE take a moment to go awf about how cunt she looks in this photo???? YASSSSSS!)

I was listening to NPR last night - yes, we negresses do listen to NPR - and there was a discussion of how far cancer has come into the public eye. Apparently back in the '70s, you know, before things mattered, people wouldn't even admit to having cancer. "The Big C" they called it, according to the show, and I recall an episode of Good Times (you knew it was coming) in which Florida's boyfriend has cancer and calls it "The Big C."

Where am I going with this? Nowhere at all! Cancer sucks and Good Times was a great show. I'm just sayin'!

Oh, and I love the full length version of the Big Re Re Snickers commercial: