And today in "Black People Ain't Got NOBODY But Kang Jaysus..."

In the words of our immortal drawstring compatriots and ambassadors of overexpressive hip gyrating melodies: Don't talk. Just listen.

There are moments, dear fans, when despite my obvious skills at divining the motives of assorted coons, it's clear to me that commentary is simply not needed to interpret the fuckshit. In other words:

 I AIN'T EVEN GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.

She be like:

 

and I be like...

So help me, this baby ain't got not NE'ER type of a chance...

PS: Expect to see the Cat AND his Hat on Maury - 'cause I'm 10 THOUSAND percent sure he IS the father! *starts doing the Ricky Bobby for good measure*

Video Inside: White child dresses as MLK for school = Chile, bye.

Fugshat ensues after Dr. Martin Luther King costume is ill-received (extended sigh)

 "I like black people - I don't want to be mean to them. It's just a costume!" - Errant caucasian dressed as Dr. Martin Luther King.
Could someone please direct me immediately to the hem of sweet White Jaysus's garment? I need something to cling to during times like this.

Love and Hip Hop: The Case Against Chrissy Lampkin's Linebacker Ass...

Let's start with the most obvious question -



WHERE THE HELL HAS THN BEEN???????

Two words: Rikers. Island.

Just know that seafood restaurants take their tank lobsters VERY seriously. Now, let us never speak of this again.

In my absence, I understand that the world has been changing. Jordans are back! Kobe's a hoe! Beyonce is to bear a Christ Child!

And apparently Mean Joe Green is back and working the reality show circuit under the alias "Chrissy Lampkin!" (I know it's you boo, those log-haulin' shoulders ain't foolin' NOBODAY!)

In between delousing myself and readjusting to "home food," I've been catching up on Love and Hip Hop. And I must say, were it not for the soothing baritone of Jim Jones mama Nancy Jones (accompanied by  the Love Unlimited Orchestra), I would scarcely be able to get through an episode without hurling my Arthur Treacher's fish nugget platter at the screen.

The reason: I. HATE. CHRISSY.

Chrissy Lampkin reminds me of something you set large traps for.
Chrissy Lampkin looks like something you find in the back of your freezer and aren't sure what it is.
Chrissy Lampkin looks like something you and your kids ride to soccer practice.
Chrissy Lampkin is shaped like a bag full of George Foreman grills.

In sum:

I unequivocably do NOT fug with that beerback, trapezoid-bodied, bowl weaved, Willie Hutch lookin'  strong bodied batch!  

And get that mighty mole removed whore!

Here's the case against Chrissy/Christopher:

• She's a batch without a cause: I'm all for bitchery. But this hoe is just an ass for the sake of being an ass. I declare I've watched that episode of her summarily mollywoppin' Kimbella again and again and I'm gonna state this plainly: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY KIMBELLA WAS WRONG. Consider this - had Kimbella NOT said anything, it would've came out later and that werewolf lookin' whore would've been howling over how Kimbella "Sat up in your party eatin' your chitlins and shit knowing she was playing tilt-a-whirl on your man's thang!" So homie went ahead and said something. And what happened? She got run over by Truck Turner. Emily claimed she was over Fab, so from where I stand, this was the perfect time for Kimbella to casually mention playing tonsil golf with her baby's father. Just slip that on in between munches of rib and keep in movin' ok?? What the problem is?

Whatever your opinion of the appropriateness of the timing, one can't deny: The conflict was not Chrissy's. I know that as a bonafide WWE champion, batch likes to keep her craft fresh. But there's no reason to charge helpless women (Ok, Kimbella's gender remains under review, but work with me here).

• Batch is shaped like a stackable washer dryer: No, that's not really any type of logical reason for my undying hatred of Chrissy Lampkin, but it makes sense to me. I am SICK SICK SICK of seeing that  Tasmanian Devil-shaped trapezoid of a "woman" in close ups, particularly when s/he's wrapped in those Starburst colored bandage dresses she keeps diggin' out of her "Get It Girl 2002" trunk. While I fully understand it must be difficult to find garments to accommodate the sundry angles and sharp turns of her gridiron body, my corneas deserve so much more!

• Batch is shady: Chrissy got two faces and both of them look like Jim Jones. One minute she's readin' Kimbella. The next she's side eyein' Emily. And she stays with an overall energy of disapproval. Wanna know what I disapprove of? THAT PORTABELLO MUSHROOM CAP PERCHED ABOVE HER LIP. There is absolutely no way I wouldn't come for that thang (is it a parasitic twin? a facial piercing gone wrong?? The Northern Star??) every muthaeffin' time that tank of a "woman" said something sideways to me. *with tissue in hand* "Chrissy you have something on your face, let me get that for you" game proper!

And the final reason why I hate the hell out of Chrissy Lampkin's plow pullin' ass:

• Batch don't work anywhere, but stay judgin'!: Emily is a fake stylist. Olivia is a fake musician and possibly some type of wizard judging from the hook on her nose. Hell, even Kimbella's pumpkin-faced ass is clearly campaigning for empress of the lollipop kids (with her racially ambiguous, Tang-colored ass...). But to this DAY I have zero concept of what in all high holy fugs Chrissy Lampkin does for a living besides being a loudmouth and possibly a bodyguard. Yet she's callin' Kimbella a hoe. Let's see - she busts it open for money right? Andddd what does Chrissy do? Yep - THE SAME THING. At least Kimbella has a baby. Chrissy Lampkin's defensive linebacker lookin' ass ain't got nuthin' but a wagon hitched to Pigpen- who ain't even givin' her so much as a ring pop this decade, BTW.

Oop. Let me know how that works out for you boo!

Now let's be clear: I DO believe Kimbella is in fact stupid. If for no reason other than she should've knocked that wide-bodied SUV lookin' batch in the head with a sock full of batteries and cha cha slid into the sunset about three episodes back. Annnd I tend to believe Emily is also stupid, if only for her clear vulnerability to  the suggestive powers of Fabolous' slanty ass teeth (Oh shut up, you too were wonderin' why she was checkin' on his last millenium ass...).

But this Chrissy broad? I just can't take her ass. No literally - her ass is horrible. I can't take it.

And there you have it!

MC Hammer Launches Search Engine (We've got to pray...)

MC Hammer Searching for Income with New Search Engine

Damned if I didn't dream I was doing the typewriter across what remains of Ginuwine's career last night! That's the last time I watch "Life After: Light Skint Lovers Edition" before bed! Apparently MC Hammer, or Hammer, or Customer Service Agent #202 - whatever he's calling himself these days - is comin' at Google's neck.

From Media Bistro (which ain't shit for that picture, btw...)

Seriously. At first we thought Mashable been taken in by an article from The Onion, but this is really happening. MC Hammer introduced his new search engine, called WIREDoo, at the Web 2.0 Summit in San Francisco. The search engine will provide things that Google doesn’t, including what Hammer calls “deep search" a term applied both to search engine results and Hammer's career efforts over the past decade. And we don’t know what that is, but it sounds hot.

First Deion Sanders is shaming the race in all white erythang shilling DirecTV. Now Stanley's trying to bargain basement Google his way to the top.

This is a cross clutchin', standing on the promises week if I've ever seen one.

PS: I absolutely refuse to fug with MediaBistro behind this end quote:

"Now if Salt-N-Pepa would just launch a social networking site, my week would be complete."

Quietly, I hear those sisters are making some powerful moves in the shapewear industry. If you like Spanx, you'll love "Stuff Its"...

Anywho, while you were laughing at Hammer - and why not, the status of that jackal peen rat tail perched in his kitchen could launch a thousand evenings of keecackling easy - you overlooked an important fact: it was HIS WIFE, not Stanley, who was responsible for more of his fashion misgivings! Mmmhmm - the more ya know!

It's true because VH1 told me so on that hilarious MC Hammer bio movie a few years back. Stanley was happy living a lifestyle of tater tots, Oakland A's groupie hood and jiggin' for jaysus (with an occasional James Brown impression in the club for good measure) when his wife decided she wanted more than pork and beans burning on the grill.

She grabbed a throw pillow and her Singer, stitched up some droopy crotched pants and a generation of fashion fuggery was born.

It's truly a story of someone's reach exceeding their grasp; had the sister just been satisfied with his humble dreams, Stanley could have been a respectable Steve Harvey suit salesman and she could be dining on Skillet Sensations in a two-bedroom split level. Instead, she's cleaning up after 18 kids while Stanley struggles for relevance.

Yet every single time I consider forgiving MC Hammer for his transgressions (capes; the Pizza Head dude; countless sins against shoulder pads and velvet shoes over which Teddy Riley still weeps; abuse of Let's Jam gel and assorted other hair products) I recall the terror he unleashed upon us in the form of the "Can't Touch This" generation. And by that, I mean fuckshit like this:

Sly Stone is homeless, badly dressed and oh yes BATSHIT CRAZY (but you knew that)

This is what WTF is all about.


Mmmmhmmm. Look directly at it. Take it all in. Let it work on ya.

If you haven't the strength to read this post without an orderly to hold you upright or a rocking chair with arms suitable for clinging, then just read this money quote and know in your heart that worse was yet to come:

From NY Post:

“My music is a format that will encourage you to have a song you won’t forget. That’s why I got so much money, that there are so many people around, and that’s why I am in court. Millions of dollars!” Stone says. “But now please tell everybody, please, to give me a job, play my music. I’m tired of all this s--t, man.”

This now? Primetime Deion Sanders is ... hanging on (Girl, it's a paycheck!)

No words. Just thoughts. And what I'm thinking is:

SO THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW DEION SANDERS???

Yeah, this is what we're doing now.





Bless Neon Deion Sanders heart.

Black woman author has book about ... Girl, just look at the picture and the Youtube!

I'm just gonna go ahead and let the beat rock on this one.

Friday Fail: Da Brat Launches Her Comeback Tour Tonight In Atlanta! (Insert blank stare...)

Da Brat Starts her Comeback Tour! Guuuuuuuurl....

Who says the rapture didn't happen!

Before you ask, no, I will NOT be explaining how I got my hands on such a flyer.

My vadge = my biz!

Just know that if you're in ATL, and you're a practicer of Sapphic Arts, steer clear of XS Ultra Lounge this Friday. Ain't no telling what kind of 1994 vortex you could be sucked into - what with Da Brat being so summarily irresistable!

I don't know about you, but I slithered out of my period draws the INSTANT I saw that tarantula eyelash affect! Girl you be killin' em with the baby pink Kangol action!

In all seriousness - since such ratchet foolniggary is really tearing the community apart - I'm going to ask you to join hands with me and send up a prayer that all future "comebacks" be limited to people who
a) Had viable careers in the immediate proceeding 10 years
and
b) Have opted to embrace clothing from the current century.

Ashe.

Today in White Coonery: Armed Robbery at Colorado Bank Involves Bandanna, AIDS Claims and a lot of Coughing

Female Bank Robber to Teller: I've got The AIDS! Gimme your coins!

Is this what we're doing to keep our Serenity overnight pad game tight Barb? Really?

Is this really what armed robbery has come to?

Let me start out by saying to any of you who have even the slightest intention of using the old "I got AIDS bitch!" routine to shake a sista down for her extra packets of deliriously tasty McDonald's limited edition sweet chili nugget sauce: Think Thee Fuck AGAIN!

I already got more diseases than a cheap hotel toilet seat in Calcutta - your HIV would immediately be chewed up, swallowed and summarily shat out in the fom of sugar cubes faster than you can say "platinum jawbones by Coco and Ice T!"

And with that said, I'd like to also preface this with a halleleujah little child - the negreaux are NOT involved with this!

(Naturally the negreaux would threaten a bank teller with something far more menacing - ie. a direct promise to send all of their ratchet cousins over to fill out bank loan apps and generally fuck up everybody's life for the next 24 hours.)

From this Reuters robbery article:

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday.
Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build."

What kind of description is that? A boney batch between the ages of 55 and 75? Batch that could be Heidi Klum, Linda Evangelista - hell, if she slapped you with a phone it could be Naomi Campbell (only if her hairline reminded you of a depleted rainforest of course.)

More:

"She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," (officials) said.
The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said.

Girl that didn't work at the line in Safeway and it won't work in a bank!

You know what, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I would ever have thought the blacks could be involved with this. After all, this person threatened to give a bank teller AIDS by coughing on them = fail. A black teller would have been unmoved by anything other than a threat to run her credit. Now THAT might have resulted in the immediate emptying of the vault, handing over of bank cards and any spare funds from the wet and wavy weave fund on hand.

White coonery is really on the come up!

I will say this much: Given as I keep finding myself sitting next to people smelling like doo doo balls (Suge Knight of Busboys and Poets, I am calling you to. the. mat.) I may need to invest in my own blue bandanna and perfect a Pookie-esque New Jack City-type drawl.

For the cause (of my nostrils).

PS: To the bank robber and Senor Doo Doo Balls:

Indian Tribe to Obama: Why'd You Nickname Osama bin Laden Gerononimo son?

Girl I don't.

Lest you think we here at THN were racist (my commitment to the exposure of The Whites' clear efforts at wresting the lucrative coonery market from the grips of The Blacks should be proof otherwise, but I know you all are shady bastards...) I present some special edition red skin coonery, care of our Native American brothers in fuggery.

From the Daily Beast:

The Fort Sill Apache Tribe asked for an apology Thursday from President Obama for using "Geronimo" as a code name for Osama bin Laden. “Right now Native American children all over this country are facing the reality of having one of their most revered figures being connected to a terrorist and murderer of thousands of innocent Americans,” said Fort Sill Apache Tribal Chairman Jeff Houser. Geronimo is a legend among Apaches and other Native American tribes for fiercely defending his land from the U.S. and Mexican Armies.

Shouldn't you all be somewhere going extinct or something??? Ok that was just TIRED!

*standing in corner picking chitlins from teeth*

Now normally I would wholeheartedly support the agitations of my cherry-skinned brethren - after all, America defined shade by its decimation of their entire community and for that, their eye rolling and tongue clicking stunts are forever justified. However, how are you going to come after President Barack Obama for using Geronimo and not sue the entire Looney Tunes franchise? Because I'm 99.999 percent sure I heard Bugs Bunny or somebody utter about 50-leven "Geronimos" a second on those cartoons.

Don't you have bigger problems, like trying to keep existing????

Somebody toss them a check for $10,000 and a row of seats. No shade, they'd better settle down before someone shoots them in the eye and buries them at sea... I hear that's what ninjas are doin' in the streets these days!

I guess I can't shade the obvious grab for a moment of shine. I'm not fooled either: Geronimo The Movie is clearly in the works (likely with some Native American Madea action) and they're trying to get press. Can't knock the hustle. Expect Mya and Ja Rule to work their unnoticed asses into this somehow in 5-4-3-2...

Drive Thru Mortuary Makes Viewing Dead Convenient. (Sadly, Fries and Sundaes Unavailable)

Drive. Thru. Mortuary.

In the words of Ike Turner's stunt double Chris Brown: I'm done.

 


From The LA Times:

Adams funeral parlor, a fixture in Compton since 1974, brings to the business of death a convenience of the living: drive-thru viewing of the dead.
Visitors are greeted by a huge red-lettered sign above the entrance of the stone building on East Palmer Street. In the reception lounge, gold chandeliers dangle so low that tall visitors have to duck. Plastic swathes the pink upholstered seats.

So much fuckery. So little time. Just once, ONCE, can I PLEASE click on something like this and The Blacks not be involved? Can't it be like, Rosie Perez and them? Meanwhile, I would like to go on the record right here, now and TODAY as putting my family on notice -

YOU'D BETTER NOT EVEN THINK OF REDUCING ME TO THE STATUS OF A BACONATOR AFTER I'VE BEEN ASSASSINATED!

I urge you, dear reader, to make your family aware of your post-mortem wishes as well -- or risk a funeral service that involves a side of seasoned fries and a sweet iced tea. You will NOT get sweet and sour sauce on my home-going outfit! Meanwhile, is it me, or does this give an odd corpse zoo affect (as opposed to, you know, a NOT odd corpse zoo affect)?

There's more:

"It's a unique feature that sets us aside from other funeral parlors," said (owner)Peggy Scott Adams..."You can come by after work, you don't need to deal with parking, you can sign the book outside and the family knows that you paid your respects," said Scott Adams. "It's a convenience thing."

Did she just imply that you could scoot on through in the Cutlass Supreme and view Grandma Nana on the way to Laquisha's Clip-n-Weave????? Well hell, since we're talking about convenience, why not just rig up one of those vacuum tubes like they have at the bank drive thru? Just stuff the body in the container, and ZIP ZOOM - Cousin Mookie is gone home to the Upper Room!

In the spirit of the Pulitzers, I'm going to go ahead and give this patron saint of shazzamery a 2011 Golden Coon Award. The ancestors are truly stunned right now.

*wanders off singing "you's a window shoooooper!" - since I'm a drop dead asshole*

Chris Rock Headed for CNN Newsroom? (Also in news: MLK Jr. Comes Back to Life, Dies Again of Aneurysm)

Ain't NATHAN workin’ out over at CNN. They’ve got their resident Crypt Keeper and the world’s oldest cracker Larry King (also the face model for all of the presidents on Mount Rushmore – news you can use!) retiring and taking his ice pick shoulders with him - shuttering all possibilities of their own spin off.

Ratings are down.

The network can’t rustle up any more braid slaves to get The Blacks to tune in and CNN news anchors ain’t cuttin’ it. Meanwhile, they’re facing stiff competition from the likes of VH1 and WE tv, all making heavy strides in the lucrative coonivision market with offerings like Braxton Family Values, Love and Hip Hop and other shows designed to slowly embarass The Blacks into finally catching a boat back to Africa.

I don’t know about you, but after the fuggery that was Tamar Braxton, I’ve got my oar in hand and my life vest collar fully popped!

Honestly, can’t some beauty shop owner toss the folks in the CNN newsroom (including Soledad O’Brien) a 2005 copy of Essence Magazine so they can break a “new” trend story?

Absent that option, the powers that be over at CNN tv news have cooked up a better plan: Chris Rock!

From the New York Post:

CNN brass are scrambling to find a new host for their troubled 7 p.m. timeslot, and trying to win back the African-American and Hispanic viewers sources say they've lost since the 2008 presidential campaign.
Hoping to accomplish both things at once, insiders said the network is interested in wooing African-American entertainers for the slot, currently held by "John King USA," and has mentioned comedian Chris Rock and former "Talk Soup" host Aisha Tyler as possibilities.

Churlllll. Get. Thee ENTIRE fuck out of here. What, comedian Tracy Morgan wasn’t available? Catch the double scoop of shade though:

CNN shot a pilot featuring Soledad O'Brien for the 7 p.m. slot, as we reported last month -- but sources tell us it was deemed unwatchable by CNN Worldwide president Jim Walton. However, some CNN suits haven't given up on the idea. "They are desperately trying to put together a show with Soledad at 7 p.m.," an insider told Page Six yesterday. "So she is getting another chance and will be shooting another pilot today."

SHITDAMN!

Word on the streets is that “It has been clearly articulated that they need to consider a host with an ethnic background for a prime-time slot” on the CNN schedule. That’s code for The Hostile Negress shamed us into ditching Guadalupe Soledad “Patron Saint of Nagger News” O’Brien and her yarns about being black in America.

Victory todaaaaayy isss miiiiinnnnne! But Chris Rock? Seriously? Hell, they might as well add a show with Chris Rock and Chris Tucker to the CNN schedule – and can we work tap shoes in there?? Didn’t we just go through this with Chocolate News?

If David Grier and his stroke face catch wind of this, there’s gonna be blood on the dance floor!

I could question why “black” and “comedy” seem to be synonymous when it comes to CNN tv, but that would just be pointless; I think the ENTIRE “CNN Black In America” shawshank – you know, when they showed us all those clappin’, sangin’ negreaux as examples of what it means to be black in America – exposed exactly what CNN’s take on The Blacks is.

Chris Rock Good Hair was cute. Chris Rock jokes are cute. Chris Rock CNN news anchors? Not cute. Well alls I know is if they DO debut a show with Chris Rock, I’ll make sure to skidaddle down to ATL for the inevitable sneak peak party. I’m certain chitlins will be on tap.

EEEYYYEAAAAAH GLORY!

There's a special place in hell for people who abuse pastry.


You know, one would think that at a birthday party for Q from 112 at Justin's in Atlanta (pardon me while I slip into a floppy Foxy Brown type hat - what with it being 1996 and all...) there would be all KINDS of fuckery to latch on to.

And if the YBF shots are any indication, there was: Jazze Pha was there channeling Big Pun; someone from the group Next had crept out of the wax museum (quoth Scooby, bowrow row row?) and oh yes Q FROM 112 WAS HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY, fuckery enough on it's own.

But nothing - not even the notion of this ninja's JELLO pudding pop-era sweater wth the elbow pads (I can't relive that so you get no photo - be glad.) - can top the grand shawshank that is this cake.

I'm really starting to think there needs to be some type of "pastry for the ratchet and needy" program - something to prevent candy from being abused this way.

I mean won't ANYBODY think of the Twizzlers???

I would be willing to excuse the inclusion of red rope candy, as well as the overall practice cake vibe of this pastry, up to and including the fact that whoever put those letters on there was clearly suffering from severe wonk eye (NeNe Leakes is baking now?). But there's one thing I will NOT overlook:

DID YOU SERIOUSLY SNATCH A PICTURE OFF MISS NANCY'S MANTLE AND PUT IT ATOP THIS CAKE????

Fingerprints all OVER the frame. Nobody had Windex? Hell, A BABY WIPE?

Why won't negros let themselves be great? And all this time I thought Ray J's Colombian cartel-inspired cake had the red alert coonery baked goods game on lock.

This cake rains pre-eminent fuckitude all. over. that.

Checkmate. Game. OVER.

Of ashy strippers and Miami Vice suits: I'm calling for a prayer circle 'round Chris Brown

Christ be a heavy blanket, a Xanax and a pistol. This 2012 end of the world shat is REAL. If you had ANY doubt:


What in $1.95 stripper hell? In the words of Riley Freeman: HELP US OBAAMAAAAAAA!!!!!!



Well I don't know about you, but I feel urged to slather shea butter all over my screen in a hopeless effort to moisturize that severely parched knee.

This young brother is truly truly troubled. I mean, his money can't buy better than that weave and those Rainbow boots? We need to just lift him up and annoint him. We'll leave Shontquashia's obvious spiritual needs for another day, but that tub of industrial strength shea butter will definitely be involved, as will the efforts of our Weave Ministry.

I'm just gonna go ahead let the one brother's face just say it all on this one. And from where I stand, his face is saying something about shame, ancestors, grandma nana, Dr. Martin Luther The Kang, debit cards and canola oil.

Gotdamn. I need to go lay down.

Hostile Negress calls for a moratorium on man nipples (yesterday!)

His nipples. My eyes. The future of our nation.

I feel almost as violated as that poor wooden lion tucked stuffed snuggly in the boglike sweatbox of his muscle crotch. *In Uncle Ruckus voice* Why lawd, why??????? If there is a Heaven in the sky, I hope he owns that damn thang.

I'm not gonna try to break this down for you. I'm too busy finishin' up a grape twin pop and singing "We've got to pray just to make it today!"

Just let this be a warning of what happens when you don't tithe - don't give Jaysus his dough, and he'll snatch up your sight like THAT!

Tell me you won't see this in your sleep tonight! My face will be origami'd for life.

Meanwhile, there's a Steve Harvey link to this fuckery.



(PS: I disagree with Jamie's usually spot on analysis. Steve Harvey, while strongly resembling a youthful James Earl Jones, is NOT shaped like a busted hot water bottle. He's actually shaped like a hot water HEATER. Way different.)

Small screen fuggery: Love and Hip Hop debuts Monday (clip - and community shame - inside)

Love & Hip Hop |Olivia Longott |Somaya Reece |Mashonda Tifrere

“My name is Chrissy and Jim Jones is my man.”

Jesus keep me near to thee.

Well don’t just stand there with a KFC Mighty Wing in your hand and a Q-tip hanging out your ear -- dial up Red Cross or toss a bucket of cold water in this bitch face or shake her real hard or something – that was a cry for help if I’ve ever heard one!

From The Root:

Love & Hip Hop, premiering Monday evening, will follow the lives of four women bonded by their connection to the hip-hop world through their men and their careers.

I'll just go ahead and addend that to include that the four women are the girlfriends of Fabolous, Jim Jones, Some Other No-Count Ninja and oh yeah, (N)Olivia, that G-Unit broad 50 and them tried to shazzam us with a few summers back.

To quote a panelist at a recent forum I shaded attended: This is nothing but a trap from Satan!

In the era of Basketball Wives, Football Wives, Housewives of Atlanta, New Jersey, Beverly Hills, New York, North Kakalakee and Sri Lanka, I guess it was only a matter of time before a “Sidepiece Jump Offs of Washed Up Former Rappers Currently Workin’ Down At The Carwash” type reality docu-soap popped off.

And yet, for some reason, my soul won’t let me believe a person would voluntarily have sex with Jim Jones. Not without some sort of body condom. I won’t act like I haven’t shook my bon bon to Pig Pen’s musical stylings in “Blow Your Smoke.” I just don’t want that ninja standing next to me.

He looks like he smells of vagrancy, Black and Milds, cheap cologne, E&J, lint and booty chips. In that exact order. AND I bet the back of his neck is dirty all to be damned.

But I digress.

There are some fairly grievous offenses here, not the least of which being (N)Olivia’s presence overall (Side note: there should really be some sort of G-Unit recovery program. 50 Cent is about as bad as P-Diddy when it comes to tossing former “stars” against the wall like a well-used condom, but I guess he’s busy trying to figure out how he’s gonna keep his own self in men’s camisoles nowadays. Meanwhile Young Buck is busy worrying about the future of his anal cavity... ).

Then there's the entire weave situation (it’s generally bad when your hair resembles spun sugar or one of those Italian pasta nests).

And let's not forget said Jones jumpoff trying to mollywop a broad in a random Den of Despair strip club about two minuts into the clip, all whilst sporting a halter top and a Jolly Rancher red bra that gives all kinds of “I got it at Ross” tea.

Those are all just the basic offenses one expects at this level of coonery.

The truest fuckery emerges when Jim Jones describes his employment as a hustler – which he spells, for the record “H-U-S-L.”

This promises to offer a smorgasbord of coonery the likes of which might very well raise Coretta, Martin AND Malcolm from the grave.

*Tosses hands up and walks away from life *

New Ginuwine Video (mmmhmmm, that's what I said...)

*consider my pearls CLUTCHED*


I will temporarily disregard the fact that this man is clearly wearing a wedding suit ... or that these video heaux appear plucked from Lennox Mall ... or that from the looks of this "set" (In Riley voice: Real niggas don't have budgets!) some family in Ft. Washington, Md. was PISSED when they came home from vacation.

I can set all of that aside.

But did this ninja just say “You are my driiiiiiiiiiiink of choice"??????

Did he just say “I take you straaaaaaaaaaight with no chaser”????????

Because I’m about to break the glass on this cyanide pill I keep in my purse, if that is indeed the case.

Look into their eyes -

THE ANCESTORS ARE NOT AMUSED ELGIN!!!!!!

You know, I’m a firm believer of knowing when to fold ‘em. And when you last were a poster on someone’s dorm room wall in the previous millennium, I would argue that a fold is necessary.

Ok, Ok, let me be fair. I think it’s great that the stars of my pre-period high school years are finding their way back to the spotlight. I mean hayle, nuccas gotta eat and Softsheen Carson “Curl Control!” activator ain’t free. Plus this ninja has like, 40 kids with that hatchet-faced model wife of his, so he has to do something. It was either this or some Bojangles action down at the Jay Street Burroughs station and that’s currently MY plan C, and I DO NOT need a sidekick.

But I'm just saying: Whatever happened to the days when artists would just do the quiet, dignified fade away? They would realize that their time had come and gone, step to the left of the camera, and discretly fade into a life of alcohol abuse and eventual death in their bathtub. KIDDING! But seriously, folks like Teddy Riley and Michael Bivens kept it cute – transitioning into gigs as producers and writers, collecting their cheese and not making purety dingle donkeys of themselves being on the stage at 52 gyrating for jaysus.

Don’t nobody wanna ride your AARP pony boo.

I even heard from my good friend Blue over at bluecentric.com that Dru Hill is trying for a comeback. And that just hurts, you know what I’m saying?

I mean, DAMN, can’t I have my freshman college year memories intact? Nevermind that JLo is still holding on with - you guessed it - a new video! With Pitbull even!

When the Bar Kays make a come back, I'll know I've been changed.

Da Brat is out and her milkshake is intact (Macarena celebration jam Saturday!)

(Does anyone else get a "not without my Herpecin!" vibe from this pic? I'm just sayin. Valtrex is an option.)

Let me start by stating the obvious: Until all of my sisters are free from the horror of cheap wigs, none of us has truly overcome.

Anywho, while I was in the bathroom "reducing," the gays sneaked this on me. Mmmhmm Da Brat (yes, the 36-year-old yesterapper who is clinging to 1993 like the last scoop of chitlins in the bowl)is out. Awwwwww snap - Cleveland pride is gonna be CRUNK this year!!!!

Meanwhile, where was CNN to cover this???? FUCKIN. UP.

From Boombox:

Fresh off her release from prison, Da Brat is excited to get back into the swing of things. The female rapper is prepping tons of new projects including new music, a book, and getting up to speed on Twitter. Earlier this week, the 36-year-old completed a three-year bid for assaulting a waitress with an alcohol bottle back in 2007, and her new found freedom has changed her outlook on just about everything.

Insert booming Wizard of Oz laughter. Am I truly an evil to the core bitch for keekeeing my shoes clean off my feet at every third word in this paragraph? PS: 10 packs of cigarettes says the book title involves the words "relevance" "struggle" and "pork chop."

Speaking of which, I could've sworn I had ordered a pork chop drop for her release.

Exactly three years to the day Monday, sweet, sticky slabs of meat were supposed to rain down over the prison exit millionth-customer style; I knew Shawntae would look to the heavens, open her mouth and thank me for the show of solidarity. *Cue SWV Rain video*

Whatevs. More please:

Da Brat spoke with xxlmag.com about her newfound freedom after being released from prison on Monday, Feb. 28. Now the rapper is discussing what life was like behind bars and how she was the top dog on every cell block.

Uh oh. This is veering. The wheel is turning. Slowly. Slowly. Yes - IT HAS OFFICIALLY GONE TO THE LEFT OF SANITY.

Man, they kept me on lockdown there because they all would be singing my song. They would be in a line and I’d walk through that joint and they would be like ‘what do you like.’ And,the officers would be like ‘yo, yo fall in line,' but they wouldn’t listen,” said Brat. “... They shipped me outta there in a week.”

Ehh hemmm. I see. Yes. Shipped you out. Pandemonium you say?

It was crazy! I mean all the officers and counselors told me that the girls never bought so much makeup and got in trouble for tight pants,” explained Brat. “It was so funny. I was rollin’ off that s---. Everybody was trying to be homies and friends. Wash my clothes, do my hair, and just everything. I was a boss b---- in that m-----------.

Judge not lest ye be judged - Da Brat just wants you to know her milkshake still brings all the girls to the yard! Mmmmmk. Something tells me the only thing she got in trouble for was hoarding Cup O'Noodles, galavanting around in Lil Bow Wow braids and just generally refusing to leave the Clinton era and enter the Obama years.

But you didn't hear that from me.

If she starts coming for Nikki Minaj (Booty Mirage) talm bout her stolen "shine" Japanese ritual suicide won't be far behind for me.

Bury me a G.

Today in irrelevance: Nelly and Kelly video remake is officially happening! (because if you're like me, you couldn't wait any longer)

I'm thinking there's gonna be some consequences and repurcussions when YMCA figures out what was goin' down in the senior pool.

From Necole Bitchie

Kelly and Nelly recently turned up the heat just a bit on the set of their new video for “Gone”, the sequel to “Dilemma”. According to Nelly, the video is an extension of the first video that was shot back in 2001 and will premiere early March.

The operative words here are "back in" and "2001". Time out: Wasn't this shat out when the Trade Centers were still up? New rule: No remaking of songs the terrorists might have had on their iPods!

But seriously, it's like somebody read my mind. For so many years I've struggled with this bizarre sense of emptiness. A hollow in my soul, the cause of which I couldn't quite place. I tried to fill it with the usual stuff - drugs, alcohol, 10 babies. And yet, nothing seemed to make it better.

Until now. There is truly a ribbon in the sky on this blessed Thursday. Now excuse me while I do The Worm to "Oh Happy Day."

CNN reports on black women and natural hair "trend" at Bronner Bros. show

Mmmmhmmm. THEM Bronner Bros.

Well it's official - natural hair has arrived! CNN said so! And the Bronner Bros. told them, so you KNOW it's as official as Oprah's thighs. I'm just sayin' what would we do if CNN didn't keep us in the know about the hottest, latest trends? I just read their piece on Kid-n-Play - it's hot shit!

Bronner Bros. show highlights natural hair

Someone keep my epinephrine pen on hand; I feel a few seizures coming on. Consider yourself blessed that I'm sparing you the slide show. The article is set at the Bronner Bros. latest coon-out (be EXTRA glad you were spared THAT) where apparently, naps had a cameo appearance:

... going natural, say several stylists and experts, is making a comeback.
There were education sessions for women who were curious about styling their natural curls in courses titled "Innovative Styling for Natural and Locked Hair" and "The Art of Natural Hair."
Several booths featured organic shampoos and styling tools for customers, many of whom stopped using chemical products after experiencing negative side effects such as hair loss or burns. Bronner Bros. is a family-owned black hair care product empire based in Marietta, Georgia.

This is why I love when CNN gets all "ethnic" with it. You see, to the common observer, it might seem like they're as late as a pair of all-red KSwiss and a Gumby (You rocked it ALL, don't try it). But an esteemed journalist such as myself can see that this is REALLY a very sophisticated news delivery mechanism in which CNN manages to beat the competition by posting the news AFTER it's already been news.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Catch the elevator - they're on the next level boo!

Last year, young music star Willow Smith, daughter of musician-actor Will Smith and actress Jada Pinkett-Smith, debuted with the colorful, hair-tossing song "Whip My Hair," which encourages young girls to embrace their who they are -- and their manes.

See there. Yet again, they are breaking it all the way down. See, YOUR ignorant ass thought "Whip My Hair" was actually a part of Jada's continued plot for dramatic femmequeen dominance in the gay male ball scene. WRONG! It was an uplifting message about embracing your natural self, jauntily delivered by a 9 year old with a mohawk that tickles the top of her calves (when-I-take-the-pins-out-my-hair-drops-down-to-my-ass game proper). And it's funny because that's her natural hair. Yes. It is.

I loved this article when ______ wrote it back in _____.

I predict CNN will soon be covering the hell out of the breaking trend of rap music and name earrings.

You don't know n'aer news organization....