Video Inside: White child dresses as MLK for school = Chile, bye.

Fugshat ensues after Dr. Martin Luther King costume is ill-received (extended sigh)

 "I like black people - I don't want to be mean to them. It's just a costume!" - Errant caucasian dressed as Dr. Martin Luther King.
Could someone please direct me immediately to the hem of sweet White Jaysus's garment? I need something to cling to during times like this.

Today in White Coonery: Armed Robbery at Colorado Bank Involves Bandanna, AIDS Claims and a lot of Coughing

Female Bank Robber to Teller: I've got The AIDS! Gimme your coins!

Is this what we're doing to keep our Serenity overnight pad game tight Barb? Really?

Is this really what armed robbery has come to?

Let me start out by saying to any of you who have even the slightest intention of using the old "I got AIDS bitch!" routine to shake a sista down for her extra packets of deliriously tasty McDonald's limited edition sweet chili nugget sauce: Think Thee Fuck AGAIN!

I already got more diseases than a cheap hotel toilet seat in Calcutta - your HIV would immediately be chewed up, swallowed and summarily shat out in the fom of sugar cubes faster than you can say "platinum jawbones by Coco and Ice T!"

And with that said, I'd like to also preface this with a halleleujah little child - the negreaux are NOT involved with this!

(Naturally the negreaux would threaten a bank teller with something far more menacing - ie. a direct promise to send all of their ratchet cousins over to fill out bank loan apps and generally fuck up everybody's life for the next 24 hours.)

From this Reuters robbery article:

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday.
Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build."

What kind of description is that? A boney batch between the ages of 55 and 75? Batch that could be Heidi Klum, Linda Evangelista - hell, if she slapped you with a phone it could be Naomi Campbell (only if her hairline reminded you of a depleted rainforest of course.)

More:

"She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," (officials) said.
The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said.

Girl that didn't work at the line in Safeway and it won't work in a bank!

You know what, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I would ever have thought the blacks could be involved with this. After all, this person threatened to give a bank teller AIDS by coughing on them = fail. A black teller would have been unmoved by anything other than a threat to run her credit. Now THAT might have resulted in the immediate emptying of the vault, handing over of bank cards and any spare funds from the wet and wavy weave fund on hand.

White coonery is really on the come up!

I will say this much: Given as I keep finding myself sitting next to people smelling like doo doo balls (Suge Knight of Busboys and Poets, I am calling you to. the. mat.) I may need to invest in my own blue bandanna and perfect a Pookie-esque New Jack City-type drawl.

For the cause (of my nostrils).

PS: To the bank robber and Senor Doo Doo Balls:

Today in White Coonery: KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church - because some shat is just inappropriate!

White supremacist KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist church

I would go ahead and apologize for my semi-delayed holiday absence, but I was getting my cooch relined – and the glorious temptation of having a wall-to-wall angora fur-lined snatch overcame my greater blogging sensibilities. I’m sure you understand.

Anyway, I was rattled from my post-cooch revamp rest when I learned from CNBC that stocks of coonery (NYSE: COON) had risen this week on news that The Whites have yet AGAIN staged a clear push for dominance of the foolywang antics market:

Hours before President Barack Obama led the nation's Memorial Day observances at the Tomb of the Unknowns, three Westboro Church protestors were challenged by others who disagreed with them -- including members claiming to be from the Ku Klux Klan.
"It's the soldier that fought and died and gave them that right to free speech," said Dennis LaBonte, the self-described "Imperial Wizard" of the KKK group that he said he formed several years ago.

You'd better solja boy tell'em Grand Klud! I see your white robe swag!

Abigail Phelps, the daughter of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps said "They have no moral authority on anything.
"People like them say it's white power ... white supremacy," Phelps said. "The Bible doesn't say anywhere that it's an abomination to be born of a certain gender or race."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Westboro Church protests and their overall brand of the crazies, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas is comprised of a group of cornfed West Virginia-type Hackfield/McKoy whaggers (white naggers) who should probably be somewhere brewing up some corn liquor but instead occupy most of their days railing about The Queers and jaysus’ masterplan to kill them off by sending them to war. Or something – my ability to hear fuggery is really starting to dim.

Westboro Baptist Church protests are fairly legendary in the media world – they send block letter, all cap press releases to newspapers pretty much daily and generally sprinkle their crazy dust for weeks before they show up in your town.

Now THAT is what I call PR!

The KKK today, meanwhile, has faded. Membership has sank as The Republicans have gained more of a foothold as the premiere trendy social group of choice among the elite racist cracker set.

*sigh* Those crackers can be so fickle. I feel your pain KKK, really, I do. But let’s face it: You haven’t had a decent klan rally since my beloved Chaka Khan had a waistline. The klan robe is boxy and that A-line shape is unflattering. Westboro Baptist Church protests, meanwhile, are all-the-way turnt up and their commitment to truck stop fashion is legendary.

Step your game up Ku Klux Klan!

Honestly seeing this kind of split in the longstanding hateocracy movement is saddening. Ku Klux Klan says hate the naggers. Westboro Baptist Church says hate the queers.

I say: Why not just hate the queer naggers and call it a day? Done and done.

But the real question here is why can’t The Whites let The Blacks be great? For years they’ve had everything – money, dogs, sushi – and The Blacks have maintained their own fiefdom, dominating the lucrative professional basketball, malt liquor and foolywang fraganackle bullshat markets (icons include honored unicoon Marion Barry – but you already knew that…)

Now The Whites want to take coonery too! Where is Al Sharpton – this has to be stopped!

Today in White Coonery: Romanian Dancing Politician Edmond Talmacean Teachs YOU How to Dougie!

So you think you can dance???? Watch the stellar example of white coonery that is Romanian politician Edmond Talmacean breaking it down JB style, and prepare to have your soul float off into the sunset. He conjured up Michael Jackson, Chubbie Checker and that lil weird shoulder hunchin’ character on Charlie Brown (you know, the one who’s always in the background giving you fits) to bring you the reason for the season.

You’d better go on and get you some free babushka!

But you know The Whites (including Fox anchor Shep Smith and Studio B)are trying to supress his dance fever -

From Fox Boston:

Edmond Talmacean, was on a TV show when he busted out this Michael Jackson inspired dance. Not everyone enjoyed his performance though. The nation’s Tourism and Regional Development Minister, says she thinks Talmacean should avoid any encore performances. The video has been great for Talmacean’s political blog, which has soared in viewership.

Why can’t they let that man be great??? He’s giving you everything you ever needed - national policy AND the Cupid Shuffle! A plan to balance the budget - AND a shoulder lean! Haters stay hatin’ when they need to be note takin' - Barrack and Michelle Obama had both better prepare to crank that soulja boy hellafied if they have ANY chance of remaining in the White House for a second presidential term, that’s for damn sure!

Meanwhile, honorable mention to Shep Smith for his dramatic pause, eyelash flutter -his tight jaw and shady queen antics give me extended fever every time! The day me, him and Moamar Gadaffi’s shady glance flingin’ ass stilleto pump in the club is the day many MANY scores will be settled, OK??? But until that great getting up morning, I’m just gonna keep watching this video and working on my moonwalk-backwards-slickety-scooch with the touch of Kid-n-Play that he does about 20 seconds in.

PS: You know I couldn’t end this post without outpointing that this video is in direct competition with my prior archival footage of James Brown and his fuppa camel walkin’ to glory:



His hips. That man cleavage. I ain’t built for this life.


Who do you think broke it down better???

Today in White Coonery: Kotex to design "couture" pads. (Cooch stylists rejoice!)

Dear Life:

I quit you.

Sincerely,
THN (smooches!)

From the Den of Fuckery:

U by Kotex looks to one-up its iconoclastic rollout of 2010 by hiring a big-name stylist for the introduction of new haute sanitary pads -- and enlisting girls and women to design their own.

And THEN it gets a little ridiculous:

TV ads behind the campaign from Ogilvy & Mather, New York, show young women, put off by a dull ad for a bland, white sanitary pad on the side of a building, taking up spray paint and brushes to create a "Take a Stand Against Bland" mural over it.

Got+damn=This. Seriously, these are end times. I mean, whatever happened to the days of just stuffing a roll of Quilted Northern in your draws and keepin' it movin'?

Whatevs. My cooch wants NATHAN to do with this ... wait...she's texting me ... she says if she can get one with mud flaps, lace detailing and a Juicy charm she's down.

She's so banjee.

White coonery: Roethlisberger Turns 29 (29 in what, rhino years?)

Did ya miss me?

Oh what, you thought I had hung up the "closed for business" sign? Were waiting for them to set the couches and shat from The Hostile Negress headquarters out on the corner for you to peruse? A batch can't take a few days off?

*And on the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and part of the 10th days, she rested*

Whatevs. Back to fuckery - brought to you by the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. There was some lead in to this but for realz, it doesn't matter. This is what matters:

... Selection Wednesday, which just happens to be Ben Roethlisberger's 29th birthday. That makes the approaching weekend Big Ben's birthday weekend, which you may have noticed has the potential of a real newsmaker, particularly in small college towns in the Deep South.

*flag on the field*

I'm gonna go ahead and call this white coonery. Why? Because this bama is not twenty-ANYTHING and I'm tired of this myth continuing to be perpetuated. I got eyes. I went to college. I can add AND subscract. Ninja is 49 if he's a day. Bret Favre should be outraged - why is he left carrying the banner of old, wrankled, playin-football-when-he-needs-to-have-a-seat-and-go-chop-some-firewood cracker all by his lonesome?



You look at that face and tell me this bama didn't drive a Camaro in 1983.

I demand a birth certificate and pictures of his mother in labor with his father holding up a newspaper with a visibile date before I accept that he's not a product of the '60s and his first toy wasn't a Pet Rock.

*strolls off into the sunset*