Study: Black Women Have High Testosterone, Are Dudes (Oh, and they're ugly, but you knew that!)

Love Black Women? They're All High Testosterone-havin' Dudes (Sorry Boo!)

I knew this broad was going to blow our cover


Well it finally went and happened.

The jig is up black "women" – they’re on to us. You heard me right - they've figured out we're dudes! If you love black women, sorry.

Yes, it’s true. Black women are really just black men who got bored one day and wanted to expand the NBA – I tried to speak out against the scheme, but they just tossed me in a corner with some Wet-n-Wild Raspberry Oooh La La lipstick and said “Get the paintin’!”

Go ahead and take those socks out of your shirts, snatch those Tina Turner reject wigs off and drop your voice back down to The Temptations register. Take off the skirts – they’re not covering up that Refrigerator Perry figure anyhow.

Nicki Minaj, put those pads back in the couch boo.

It’s over. The dream has died. In a Psychology Today study, "Why are African American Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?", Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa has snatched our hip pads clean out:

Kanazawa (who is also the author of a book called Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters) speculates, "The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races."

I’m so glad I can finally untape my balls! Praise him!

I’m really surprised nobody got hip to our little scheme years ago – I mean, did people REALLY think those black women models Fashion Fair trots out were female?? (I mean really, how much high testosterone can you have and still be considered female..) How many times did YOU mistake one of their ads for a picture of Burt Reynolds?? *raises hand*

And I REALLY thought Omorosa and her steel jaw (I bet she can crack thee HAYLE out of some snow crab legs...) was gonna spill the beans.

Now the world knows - all of the famous black women you've known and loved are really dudes. Oprah? That's just Otis. Beyonce? Girl that's Brandon. And Wendy Williams? Well even I couldn't believe that one sneaked below the radar.

Even important black women in history were dudes: Harriet Tubman? That was Harry from the grocery store!



GIFSoup
PS: Florida was Florence...but you kind of figured that one on your own...


So nooooooow back to reality land: You know what’s more tired than this study? The fact that every time a study comes out, black women get all up in arms about it.

For the record, according to assorted studies over the years, black women:

- Are second only to Jabba the Hut in their massive obesity
- Pass most of the day in tree stands firing high powered crossbows at interracial couples
- Have 4,239 children – a year. (All with names ending in “-tae”)
- And are dying from breast cancer/heart attacks/diabetes/scrotal cancer/cancer of the entire body

Oh and those batches smell like Lysol and crawfish boil too! Annnnnnd they shop at Ross - tacky batches!

Here’s an idea: How about we just stop giving a rat’s ass about dumb ass studies advancing dumb ass theories done by dumb ass people who pay waaaaay too much attention to black women to be anything but completely, purely and unequivocably OBSESSED with them, k?

Stop giving these people the attention they crave and Dr. Kanazawa and all others of his ilk will return to their Ted Kazinsky style huts and watch child porn the way they do any other Tuesday.

And that’s the roundabout way of saying that me and my high testosterone are OVER IT.

VH1 show featuring *cough* Jim Jones battles with Baltimore Inmate Wives for settin' back the race dominance

I'm gonna put down my goblet of cranapple and level with you: I had zero intention of posting a daaaaaamn thing this evern, especially since I see that certain ungrateful negreaux (this means you man in the mirror) fall way off when a sistah isn't supplying you with a continuous stream of coonanigans.

Mmmmhmmm. 75 hits when I conjure up tails of weaves gone wrong. And one hit when a batch takes a nap. Shat like this is why I'm joining the Klan.

But 'tis Black History Month. And I have duties to find gems of fuggery for the masses. It just so happens that today, care of Miss Jia and my fave Crunk and Disorderly booka Freshalina, I have happened upon a trove indeed.

Now, and I remember when there used to be something called scripted TV. But nowadays all it takes is a wonk eye and a bad quick weave (hey NeNe!) and you're a "star." And THAT is precisely what's to blame for Baltimore Inmate Housewives. And I swear to Big Baby Osiris Jesus that I wish I made this up.



I ABSOLUTELY demand that you direct your eyes to the background ambiance. Did someone just empty their purse everywhere in that house? It smells like catfish and coconut hairgrease in there. That's not an interrogative - I'm presenting that as a solid, verified statement.

Not to be outdone by the likes of Charm City, VH1 is polishign off some elite jungleboogie fuckery - and you KNOW it's real when Mashonda AND Olivia are involved.

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I almost peed - did this heaux just ask Jim "Keep soap alive" Jones to marry her? Jim "15'oclock Shadow" Jones? Jim "Bump be gone ain't do shat for my throat" Jones?? THAT NIG????

I refuse to address his basso profundo-voiced moms besides saying that I want to see her, Frankie and Alan Iverson's mama in a cage match IMMEDIATELY.

Negrodamus told me that this will be the most outrageous February yet. And if this continues, I may end the month in adult diapers.

Don't judge. They'll be kente cloth.

Thank goodness they weren't black moment: Hammer vs. Stick robbery

Every now and again I come across a piece of fuggery and think to myself "Glory be, I'm so glad my cousins weren't involved!" This epic drama, sugarplums, is just such an item:




I'm sure if you're Mustafa dusting off old pantyhose and rearranging stale hotdogs on the third shift at Gas n Go, there ain't much funny about this. But for the rest of us this is the reason for the season indeed.

A few study questions:

- Why'd he come bursting through the door weilding that branch like a double shotty?
- Exactly how was the hammer going to be effective?
- How did he even GET that big ass miniature tree?
- Why the bags on the feet???

Jesus take the wheel.

Woman uses sex toy to beat cop - and other tales to ruin Christmas dinner

A Lake County judge on Thursday issued a warrant for the arrest of a woman charged with attacking a Gurnee police officer with a sex toy.

Nevermind that this woman slightly resembles a shriveled peen.

There are times, my children, when I think I'm just gonna lay down and give up this struggle. Like, it's time for me to just go on to glory. And when the words "rigid, glass, feminine pleasure device" coincide in a story with the phrases "dine and dash" and "Joe's Crab Shack," I feel like it's time to electric slide into my casket and shut the door tight.

Bildsten reached into a dresser drawer for what the officer thought was money to pay her bill, but instead pulled out the “pleasure device” and charged toward the officer with the sex toy raised over her head, Patrick said.

I'm going to overlook the obvious concerns about, ahem, personal fluids and why this cop was fool enough to let her go in the drawer in the first place (I would have busted out with the shotty and blew him right on down, but I'm hostile so, you know...) and cut right to the question that I know is really rockin' your socks: Since WHEN did Joe's Crab Shack start sending cops to your door behind skipped bills? And moreover, is Red Lobster's following suit????

This apparent crackdown on seafood filchery could devastate the black community. The moral of the story, dear hearts, is that clam bakes and dungeness crab legs cost money and Phillip's ain't playin'.

Oh, and don't turn to dildoes for personal protection. (But I could've told you that...)

How low can she go indeed: Bobbi Kristina hits the spiral

Jesus be a warm glass of milk.

The wild child daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is going party-crazy – and sources say her train-wreck parents have now stepped in to try to prevent her from developing addiction problems like them.

I'm not really surprised by this at all - I mean, you get Bobby Brown's sneer and you're bound to get his other ways. (Sidenote: How long before his gut arrives under her Christmas tree as well...)

I'm just trying to understand why DFACS or some agency hasn't stepped in here a long time ago, you know, back when I'm pretty sure they had this poor child sweeping up remnants of their Tony Montagna-eque piles of cocaina following nightlong snow parties.

This child of the kingdom has been through enough. So I'll let that A&P weave slide, along with any attendant questions about the bikini selection and her choice of "pose" (BodyMagic much?)

PS: This part= YAAAAAS.

... parents have now stepped in to try to prevent her from developing addiction problems like them.

Toss the flowers on the casket now!

Today in Irrelevance...

Pic from Ja Rule's website (muffled laughter)

UPDATE: Ja Rule Gets Two Years, or sumpin' like that. Well I don't know about you, but I'm gonna have to take a few days off work.


Blank stare. This right here is devastating. I'm serious - I may need to hum and rock with it because I'm not sure how the community is going to rebound.

Rapper Ja Rule's future in hip-hop may be in jeopardy as a pending gun trial is set to begin as early as this week with jury selection reportedly taking place today.

I mean, WTF. We just lost Wesley (I'm collecting soaps, apple jelly and lip gloss for a Pelican Bay gift basket, BTW), DMX is actin' up and now this? I mean, Ja Rule brought up soooo many hits. Who can forget _____ . And then there was _______.

And I know exactly where I was when I first heard _________.

I implore you White America, don't take Ja Rule from us. Now excuse me while I go hum it out.

Aretha's Got the Big C (and I don't mean cream pie you jerk!)

Normally I would eviscerate Ms. Franklin. Not because I'm an evil Hostile Negress who should never have been freed, but for very obvious reasons that involve malappropriated spaghetti straps. But this here? Not funny at all madame.

The Soul Diva herself has The Cancer. Or so they say:

FOX 2 News in Detroit has learned that the "Queen of Soul" has cancer. A relative of Aretha Franklin tells reporter Al Allen that the icon has cancer. Another relative says the family is very concerned.

(can we PLEASE take a moment to go awf about how cunt she looks in this photo???? YASSSSSS!)

I was listening to NPR last night - yes, we negresses do listen to NPR - and there was a discussion of how far cancer has come into the public eye. Apparently back in the '70s, you know, before things mattered, people wouldn't even admit to having cancer. "The Big C" they called it, according to the show, and I recall an episode of Good Times (you knew it was coming) in which Florida's boyfriend has cancer and calls it "The Big C."

Where am I going with this? Nowhere at all! Cancer sucks and Good Times was a great show. I'm just sayin'!

Oh, and I love the full length version of the Big Re Re Snickers commercial:

Tragic Visual #2,384,899, Sexy Santa

Why was this allowed to happen?

And when will we address that Mariah is not getting bigger in the stomach, but everywhere else? Eyebrow raise... Methinks she will soon give birth to a 7lb, 4oz. bag of tortilla chips.