Video: X Factor's Prince doppelganger is coming to a TV near you! (And he's bringing his nuthuggers and his fiercest wrap...)

X Factor's Siameze Floyd Shopping Reality Show (Scroll down for preview of life...)

If you’re unfamiliar with the shimmering sex vornado of kitten heels, man cleavage and Lotta Body Wrap Spray that is Siameze Floyd (copyright 2011) consider your life empty indeed.

In case you missed it, gather your emotions, squeeze your legs together and prepare as the DJ brangs it back:



This burgeoning intersex icon took the world by storm on X Factor a few weeks back, simulatenously challenging batches everywhere to step up their unicorn/horsey kick game, while representing the Little People, Big World: Talent Division’s global debut (child hush, you were wondering about the proportions on that head too.)

What you didn’t know: Siameze Floyd was apparently raised by a harem of Rick James’ old backup hoes and is descendant from a line of “men” (shifty eyes) whose hair is laid like a canister of refrigerated leftover relaxer (you’ve done it bitch, don’t lie) and whose sexuality is more ambiguous than Nivea’s career.

Now that’s DEEP.

Oh, and did I mention that this polyamorous family which clearly shares hair products across gender lines is also hoping to share its story with the world via a reality tv show?? Feast your eyes on the preview prize and click it for Jaysus:




YES. GAWD. THAT is what’s for dinner! Can you even BEGIN to imagine the type of capoeira-style hand to hand combat that erupts when the Pink Oil Moisturizer sheen spray supply dips low in that household???!!! Chile bye - I bet that's how the other three wives died...


I for one say the time is absolutely right for this show - this is a civil rights issue dear readers!

For too long Prince as been forced to carry the load of being a spokesperson for the intersex community on his petite shoulders alone. He’s had some notable help in more recent years:

()


Not to mention a couple of older gwerls:




Yet the community has remained largely underground, reliant on the occasional awards show or backup singer appearances (I see you Norwood...) to affirm their existence. And we won’t even begin to get into the trials these delicate rosebuds have suffered trying to obtain extra schmedium nuthugger jeans with adequate elasticity - another time, another place.

The production of this show would truly be a victory for the community. If you love me dear readers, call, text, email and provide sexual favors to anyone at VH1 to ensure that this spectacle of niggatry makes it to the tube.

If you won't do it for me


Do it for Mother Nick.


Ashe.

Video: Watch Patti LaBelle Stir It Up with Chaka Khan, Whitney Houston, Maya Angelou, Whitney Houston and friends (Spoiler: No wigs were tilted...)

Who knew that the pre-eminent divas of negress womanhood all gathered at Patti LaBelle’s chamber of sequins for marmalade, heel kicking and other random voulez-vous shenanigans? And more importantly:

Where the fug were the invites for me and Ciara?


We invested in copious Beyonce weave and had our Adam’s apples shaved down in advance and we get nada – no ribs, no Glory green goodness? Patti Labelle if only you knew: Brother CiCi ain’t happy. I would invest in a shield if I were you – her femurs are long and her back is country strong!



Take note batch!


Fortunately, the entire soiree was memorialized on YouTube for us nonfactors to bask in the glory of their golden weaved excellence digitally – Beyonce, Diana Ross, Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Rihanna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston (Nippy if you’re nasty- THN) all are there spilling tea, swinging ponytails and taking names.

Phenomenal woman ( ?) Maya Angelou even spits a verse in Nipsy Russel register – GLORY!

Sadly, The Braxtons were left out on the porch holding Halloween pails and wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop – you know, the norm for their Saturday evening. (If only they would repent of their wet and wavy weave sins they too could be welcomed into the kabal…)

Hit play, clutch the hem of His garment and prepare to let the shade blow your hair back!

(Spoiler: Favorite quotes would be a tie between “You look like you ate Eve AND Adam’s apples” and “Hakuna Matada bitch!”)

Today in White Coonery: Romanian Dancing Politician Edmond Talmacean Teachs YOU How to Dougie!

So you think you can dance???? Watch the stellar example of white coonery that is Romanian politician Edmond Talmacean breaking it down JB style, and prepare to have your soul float off into the sunset. He conjured up Michael Jackson, Chubbie Checker and that lil weird shoulder hunchin’ character on Charlie Brown (you know, the one who’s always in the background giving you fits) to bring you the reason for the season.

You’d better go on and get you some free babushka!

But you know The Whites (including Fox anchor Shep Smith and Studio B)are trying to supress his dance fever -

From Fox Boston:

Edmond Talmacean, was on a TV show when he busted out this Michael Jackson inspired dance. Not everyone enjoyed his performance though. The nation’s Tourism and Regional Development Minister, says she thinks Talmacean should avoid any encore performances. The video has been great for Talmacean’s political blog, which has soared in viewership.

Why can’t they let that man be great??? He’s giving you everything you ever needed - national policy AND the Cupid Shuffle! A plan to balance the budget - AND a shoulder lean! Haters stay hatin’ when they need to be note takin' - Barrack and Michelle Obama had both better prepare to crank that soulja boy hellafied if they have ANY chance of remaining in the White House for a second presidential term, that’s for damn sure!

Meanwhile, honorable mention to Shep Smith for his dramatic pause, eyelash flutter -his tight jaw and shady queen antics give me extended fever every time! The day me, him and Moamar Gadaffi’s shady glance flingin’ ass stilleto pump in the club is the day many MANY scores will be settled, OK??? But until that great getting up morning, I’m just gonna keep watching this video and working on my moonwalk-backwards-slickety-scooch with the touch of Kid-n-Play that he does about 20 seconds in.

PS: You know I couldn’t end this post without outpointing that this video is in direct competition with my prior archival footage of James Brown and his fuppa camel walkin’ to glory:



His hips. That man cleavage. I ain’t built for this life.


Who do you think broke it down better???

Gaddafi is runway ready - and so is Mandela (please bury me facing due west...)

YOU. DO. NOT. WANT. NONE.

Can we PLEASE set aside our morning muffin tops and international shade to embrace the stunning optical glory that is Muammar Gadaffi?

I mean, sure, from my understanding, this gentlesquire may have been involved with some type of chicanary of the dictatorship sort. Haven’t we ALL?

And yes, there may be a few thousand deaths or tortures or disembowelments or something that he’s loosely connected to. Aren’t we ALL?

But even Michelle Obama herself can’t deny the unwavering swag-magoria of this exquisite fashion horse.

Pale yellow inaugural ball gown my chafed ass – what does SHE know about that nite-glo purple, satin night sheet/throw that doubles as a couture monk’s robe, with the Eddie Murphy "Raw" pillbox hat to match?


TELL THE DJ BRANG IT BACK

Mother Gadaffi, the rest of the world may be aligned against you, but I know what's really going on - they can't take your fashion misfitry. So many times I too have fallen up in the club in my full length, Mmbaka Couture cape (with lion's mane hood) and Terminator shades only to hear these likes of Obama and the rest of these ignorant UN types keekeeing at my style. They can't take us girl, they can't. take. us.

Speaking of fashion, the negroes did THIS today:


(nobody will win in this scenario, I promise you)

From So Jones -

The Mandela Foundation is coming out with a clothing line. Named after Mandela’s inmate number at Robben Island Prison (oooof!) the 46664 Apparel Line was announced yesterday.
The profits from this project will help sustain the foundation’s charitable gifts and at the same time boost South Africa’s textile and clothing industry which has been in trouble for quite some time.

Is this what they call serendipity? I mean, I’ve been wracking my brain for months now on how I could pull off a 1993 African lollipop kid soccer player look (reminiscent of Arsenio Hall’s outfit in the morning exercise scene of “Coming to America”) in shades of ROYGBIV. If this comes with croquet mallots, summer 2011 is gonna be all the way turnt up on my end. (I predict this will be VERY popular at Capital Pride...)

Just out of curiousity, aren’t there some nations that Mandela and them need to be freeing or some people that need to be unoppressed or something?

Because all I’m seeing here is more opportunity for fashion oppression. Haven’t Africans been dressing badly long enough – don’t be offended dear reader, you know you have a Ntzake or a Kwaku or a Tesfaye in your life who won’t let that hard bottom shoe and sweat pants combo go softly into the night! (Don’t they set it AWF with a sweater… so 3008)

This is the biggest disappointment since my Lil Flip sneakers got lost in snail mail… AND my Jeezy snowman fanny pack was ruined in that freak “This Is It” wing sauce incident … AND I lost my AKOO tampon case at Six Flags.

Why won’t life let me be great???

(PS: With the entire cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as my witness, one day I too will be rich enough to afford to have my body reupholstered in head to toe suede.)

Today in irrelevance: Nelly and Kelly video remake is officially happening! (because if you're like me, you couldn't wait any longer)

I'm thinking there's gonna be some consequences and repurcussions when YMCA figures out what was goin' down in the senior pool.

From Necole Bitchie

Kelly and Nelly recently turned up the heat just a bit on the set of their new video for “Gone”, the sequel to “Dilemma”. According to Nelly, the video is an extension of the first video that was shot back in 2001 and will premiere early March.

The operative words here are "back in" and "2001". Time out: Wasn't this shat out when the Trade Centers were still up? New rule: No remaking of songs the terrorists might have had on their iPods!

But seriously, it's like somebody read my mind. For so many years I've struggled with this bizarre sense of emptiness. A hollow in my soul, the cause of which I couldn't quite place. I tried to fill it with the usual stuff - drugs, alcohol, 10 babies. And yet, nothing seemed to make it better.

Until now. There is truly a ribbon in the sky on this blessed Thursday. Now excuse me while I do The Worm to "Oh Happy Day."

The Hostile Negress Defines: Blackout (When A Negress Is Fed Up!)

BLACKOUT: The inevitable moment in a black, African-American, negro, person-of-color's life in which a person (often beige) crosses The Line, resulting in an epic ass-whooping, a string of profanity or some other profoundly uncomfortable moment of cultural dissonance typically ending with somebody's wig on sideways. So-called due to the verbal action of "blacking out" as well as the noun-like action of "blacking out" - as in passing out and awakening to find oneself clutching some errant batch's scalp.

Also refered to by some as a "nigga moment"

Examples -
Taquisha: Girl what happened between you and Megan? I noticed those endless nostril flares you've been giving her today.
Shante: Girl BYE, that batch raised her voice at me, tal'm 'bout, "Why isn't the coffee hot?" I blacked the FUG out on her, windmillin' all the way, or so they tell me. I just know she won't look me in the eye and I suddenly have a new brooch."

Situations that can lead to blackouts:
-Asking to touch a negress' hair
-Asking a negress to brush your hair
-Giving a negress the side eye

This was brought to you by the letter H. For hostile. But you knew that.

Man accidentally kills wife (after he wrote a letter about killing her) behind STD

I'm gonna spare you the suspense and say from the jump:

Dude didn't have The Clap after all.



From The Baltimore Sun:

Four days before Cleaven L. Williams Jr. stabbed his wife seven times on a Baltimore street, he wrote a letter outlining plans to kill her, according to testimony he gave in court Monday.

"I figured that I had a [sexually transmitted disease] and I contracted it from my wife," Williams said, explaining that he wrote the undelivered letter because he was upset. "I write a lot, that's my vent."

Ummmmm yeah. I write a lot too. Grocery lists. Journal entries. But in terms of writing letters about killing my (in)significant other for giving me The Clap, I've managed to keep those down to a minimum.

Williams is charged with murder in the death of his wife, Veronica Williams, who received a restraining order against him moments before he attacked her in front of several witnesses on North Avenue on Nov. 17, 2008. She died three days later.

Well damn. I mean. Damn!

He also acknowledged that he was the attacker, however, saying that when he came to, he saw that they were "both lying in the street. … I realized that I stabbed her."

Oh well then shit, this guy is totally innocent! Can I tell you how many times THAT actually has happened to me? I woke up in the middle of downtown Baltimore, near Lexington Market, covered in blood and realized I had stabbed quite a few people actually. Luckily, Saiontz and Kirk and them helped me out but sheesh, talk about a bad case of the Mondays!


PS: I'm gonna reckon that naming someone "Cleaven" is pretty much ensuring that sooner or later, they're gonna have an unfortunate knife-type incident.

Fashion police moving violation #235: When glitter and pastel attack

Photo care of Getty Images and a really bad Mariah Carey acid trip.

So I'm not going to pretend that I watched the Golden Globes - I was way too busy eating french fries and plotting world takeover on the couch. But this little piece of butterfly beauty has been making the rounds and I'm sure I don't have to say why.

I am, quite frankly, a stan of Sidibe. Yes, her size might, in certain circles, qualify her for statehood. And yes, the wig situation will likely be the topic of an emergency United Nations meeting in the near future. Annnnd yes, each of her wrists is equivalant in circumferance to a small pineapple.

But why dwell on the obvious. She's effin HILARIOUS and I would love to hang out with her.

And despite everybody's thoughts to the contrary, I see where she was going with this dress.

Sure, right now it just looks like a star spangled mumu. But with the addition of a cape, sash and wand, it's perfect. What else would you have the tooth fairy rock after all?

You better get those molars girl!

Ice skating negress superstars UNITE!!! (pop the top for video...)

And what were YOU doing over the holidaze?! If it wasn't pop lock and droppin' on the icy dance floor, kill yourself.



The Blacks will take ANYTHING there. I blame Abraham Lincoln directly for this.

And you thought Willow locked it down. WRONG - until she's cuttin' it up on the ice in special fitted Chuck Taylor blades, tooted up Hooker Jr. butter cutter shorts and a unicorn mistress head piece, she really ain't that impressive.

Surya Bonaly is somewhere wiping a bar top and wondering what happened to her life.


Die whore - this is the FUTURE!

A Curious Case of the Cottles - Tameka that is... (TI is the KANG!!!!)

In case you all haven't noticed, it's been quiet 'round these parts this week. Mmmmhmmm, slower than Soldier Boy's record sales. Nobody really cuttin' the fool or actin' the monkey at all this week, though I'm sure T-Payne is somewhere cooking something coontastic up, likely involving a top hat and a Sambo figurine.

Anywho, with nothing else to present, I shall simply direct your fixed gaze to the love below. Behold Beauty! Don't take it all in at once!





Now put THAT in your Summer's Eve applicator!

Botswana President: Husky chicks need not apply!

You know, we here at The Hostile Negress are a fair sort. We believe in shedding light on negro shenaniganry among American AND African brown folk.

And in that vein I present:

Botswana President Explains "No Fatties" Policy

Botswana President Ian Kharma says he doesn't want a fat wife, because "she may fail to pass through the door, breaking furniture with her heavy weight and even break the vehicle's shock absorbers." Read more

Yes lawd. Don't you just love how Africans can be so polite and straight forward? He's not a hater folks. He is just concerned that she may fail to pass through doorways. He's no politically incorrect. He's just concerned about his ride.

I mean, what's the problem here? You, my dear misguidedly politically correct soul, YOU are the problem. Now stop eating that baconator right this instant. My Cutlass can't take it.

Seriously, where are the PR folks in Africa???