And today in "Black People Ain't Got NOBODY But Kang Jaysus..."

In the words of our immortal drawstring compatriots and ambassadors of overexpressive hip gyrating melodies: Don't talk. Just listen.

There are moments, dear fans, when despite my obvious skills at divining the motives of assorted coons, it's clear to me that commentary is simply not needed to interpret the fuckshit. In other words:

 I AIN'T EVEN GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.

She be like:

 

and I be like...

So help me, this baby ain't got not NE'ER type of a chance...

PS: Expect to see the Cat AND his Hat on Maury - 'cause I'm 10 THOUSAND percent sure he IS the father! *starts doing the Ricky Bobby for good measure*

Video Inside: White child dresses as MLK for school = Chile, bye.

Fugshat ensues after Dr. Martin Luther King costume is ill-received (extended sigh)

 "I like black people - I don't want to be mean to them. It's just a costume!" - Errant caucasian dressed as Dr. Martin Luther King.
Could someone please direct me immediately to the hem of sweet White Jaysus's garment? I need something to cling to during times like this.

YouTube Clip Of The Day

YouTube Video Inside: Baltimore Ratchetry Goes Hollywood (It's raining sadness and chicken boxes...)

With screen icons like Ikea Whitlock and La'Nair Chase in the mix, how can you NOT see this????


Nevermind Shaquita delivering that dry ass "I'm sorry to tell you Derrick didn't make it" family notification with all the emotional passion of a CVS clerk announcing they're out of Tampax pearls (a tragedy indeed). I'd rather focus on how they shamwow'd Don Cornelious into the voice over...

Introducing Save the Hoes - A Campaign for America's Future! (Wet-n-wavy weave shenans inside...)

As the many noses of NeNe Leakes have no doubt shown us, fuckshit flung about recklessly can only beget more fuckshit (Ashe!) and for that reason, I have opted to come out of my self-imposed Caveman Valentine/Catwoman hibernation status to address the following...

Video Inside: Love and Hip Hop Preview (It's raining fugnuggets and honey...)

Jim. Jones. Mama.

Now that I have your attention, ready yourself as you may - though nothing in this lifetime could prepare you for the glorious dewdrops of fugnuggets preparing to burst forth unto your screen.

Imbibe:

Get More: Love And Hip Hop

Is it me or does Jim Jones' mom sound like an old pipe organ? She speaks=me turning to page 147 of my hymnal and singing Standing On the Promises.


Study Notes:

10) Is there anyone, ANYONE, who believes that Miss Chi-Cheekela La Boom, or "Kimbella" as she's currently known on Spring Street, is an XX? Girl hush. Night night, keep your tucks tight!

Soul 4 Real to Perform at Atlanta Prom; Also scheduled: Several unplanned, over 40 pregnancies...

Were you too busy being high/knocked up/imprisoned/one of Rick James' bottom-rung hoes to attend your prom? I know your pain - I was at Bodrow's Mac and Stack Shack (a combo salon and barbecued ribbery...)getting my stack curls together and damned if I didn't miss my ride to "Midnight Love: Let Me Ride That Donkey C/O 88!"

Oh the pain I have lived with!

Well rejoice dear readers - a new event will fill the void:

Video: X Factor's Prince doppelganger is coming to a TV near you! (And he's bringing his nuthuggers and his fiercest wrap...)

X Factor's Siameze Floyd Shopping Reality Show (Scroll down for preview of life...)

If you’re unfamiliar with the shimmering sex vornado of kitten heels, man cleavage and Lotta Body Wrap Spray that is Siameze Floyd (copyright 2011) consider your life empty indeed.

In case you missed it, gather your emotions, squeeze your legs together and prepare as the DJ brangs it back:



This burgeoning intersex icon took the world by storm on X Factor a few weeks back, simulatenously challenging batches everywhere to step up their unicorn/horsey kick game, while representing the Little People, Big World: Talent Division’s global debut (child hush, you were wondering about the proportions on that head too.)

What you didn’t know: Siameze Floyd was apparently raised by a harem of Rick James’ old backup hoes and is descendant from a line of “men” (shifty eyes) whose hair is laid like a canister of refrigerated leftover relaxer (you’ve done it bitch, don’t lie) and whose sexuality is more ambiguous than Nivea’s career.

Now that’s DEEP.

Oh, and did I mention that this polyamorous family which clearly shares hair products across gender lines is also hoping to share its story with the world via a reality tv show?? Feast your eyes on the preview prize and click it for Jaysus:




YES. GAWD. THAT is what’s for dinner! Can you even BEGIN to imagine the type of capoeira-style hand to hand combat that erupts when the Pink Oil Moisturizer sheen spray supply dips low in that household???!!! Chile bye - I bet that's how the other three wives died...


I for one say the time is absolutely right for this show - this is a civil rights issue dear readers!

For too long Prince as been forced to carry the load of being a spokesperson for the intersex community on his petite shoulders alone. He’s had some notable help in more recent years:

()


Not to mention a couple of older gwerls:




Yet the community has remained largely underground, reliant on the occasional awards show or backup singer appearances (I see you Norwood...) to affirm their existence. And we won’t even begin to get into the trials these delicate rosebuds have suffered trying to obtain extra schmedium nuthugger jeans with adequate elasticity - another time, another place.

The production of this show would truly be a victory for the community. If you love me dear readers, call, text, email and provide sexual favors to anyone at VH1 to ensure that this spectacle of niggatry makes it to the tube.

If you won't do it for me


Do it for Mother Nick.


Ashe.

This now? Primetime Deion Sanders is ... hanging on (Girl, it's a paycheck!)

No words. Just thoughts. And what I'm thinking is:

SO THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW DEION SANDERS???

Yeah, this is what we're doing now.





Bless Neon Deion Sanders heart.

Watch This: Lil Mama's New Video Scrawberry

Lil Mama (or Lil Lhama if you're nasty) Has New Music Out!

End times children, end times.

This is one of those moments in which I feel so thoroughly conflicted as a celebrity shade blogger.

On the one claw, I feel like I SHOULD inform you that this is happening - and by "this" I mean Lil Mama and her continued insistence on a career.

And yet, on the other claw, I really don't want to be responsible for your trip to The Upper Room should you be foolish enough to press play and commit visual sin in your heart (since you will almost certainly succumb to the overwhelming allure of Lil Lama in 42 Dollar Bin wigs and drowned puppy-like breastlets - drowned puppies being among the saddest things on earth...)

I'm not ready to make such decisions, so I'll just lay the cyanide pills on your dresser and walk out quietly, "what your girl don't know what hurt her" style.

More Lil Mama acts of music below.





INFINITE SIGH.

Lesbian charged after beating partner with strap on penis/dildo

Police: Lesbian couple argued before dildo domestic violence (doves crying)

When I tell you nights like this I wish raindrops would fall...


First of all, Georgia folks, you can relax: This is some bonafide Florida Fuggery, so you're off the hook this time. Second of all, Popeye's I need you to screen your employees better! If this sister is laying her Ike Turner smack down with the silicon sausage, I have some SERIOUS questions about what she might be doing with the extra crispy drums.

You'd better stop and think about it!

Arresting officers: YouTube is NOT a circumcision guide...

Black woman arrested following YouTube tutorial botched circumcision attempt (CTRL-ALT-DEL life...)

You mad? Yeah, YOU MAD!


If you've been paying attention to life then you know that behind Wikipedia, YouTube tutorials are THEE go-to reference for getting all of your important life lessons - you know, how to recreate a Beyonce Video Phone lip or learn how to drive a car or deliver a baby.

Hell, I was scheduled to use YouTube to perform an emergency vocal chord removal on Rihanna just last week, before I fug around and dropped my best butter knife behind the stove! (THIS LIFE!!!!)

Well word on the skreet is that you apparently want to go ahead and pass on the circumcision YouTube-torials. Mmmhmm - something about man-meat not being amenable to being snipped with safety scissors and a dab of Icy Hot (to dull the pain). Who knew!

From The Grio via AP:

Video Inside: Church Stabbing

Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)

WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.




Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.

Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!

Today in YouTube Fuggery: Pelvic rolls for Jaysus!!!

How yummy are those vocals??? Patti, Mariah, Alecia, et. al: Have several rows of seats! Ratchet, Ga. is hummin' comin' at cha!

We'll temporarily set aside all questions about this manboy's neutral gender (because I'm certainly gettin' 1997-era TraxxGirls tea all over this...) AND overlook the apparent mystery of whose daughter is pelvic rotating for Jaysus all up and thru this piece...

ANNND ignore questions of when somebody, anybody, will step in to prevent the further YouTube abuse of drop clothes...
ANNNNND hold off all queries about whether boo rockin' the sideways peacock spray pony (I see you Richmond!) is actually paid to watch this child....

And instead move on to the more pressing question:


WHERE IS THEIR SOUL TRAIN AWARD????

Today in White Coonery: Armed Robbery at Colorado Bank Involves Bandanna, AIDS Claims and a lot of Coughing

Female Bank Robber to Teller: I've got The AIDS! Gimme your coins!

Is this what we're doing to keep our Serenity overnight pad game tight Barb? Really?

Is this really what armed robbery has come to?

Let me start out by saying to any of you who have even the slightest intention of using the old "I got AIDS bitch!" routine to shake a sista down for her extra packets of deliriously tasty McDonald's limited edition sweet chili nugget sauce: Think Thee Fuck AGAIN!

I already got more diseases than a cheap hotel toilet seat in Calcutta - your HIV would immediately be chewed up, swallowed and summarily shat out in the fom of sugar cubes faster than you can say "platinum jawbones by Coco and Ice T!"

And with that said, I'd like to also preface this with a halleleujah little child - the negreaux are NOT involved with this!

(Naturally the negreaux would threaten a bank teller with something far more menacing - ie. a direct promise to send all of their ratchet cousins over to fill out bank loan apps and generally fuck up everybody's life for the next 24 hours.)

From this Reuters robbery article:

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday.
Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build."

What kind of description is that? A boney batch between the ages of 55 and 75? Batch that could be Heidi Klum, Linda Evangelista - hell, if she slapped you with a phone it could be Naomi Campbell (only if her hairline reminded you of a depleted rainforest of course.)

More:

"She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," (officials) said.
The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said.

Girl that didn't work at the line in Safeway and it won't work in a bank!

You know what, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I would ever have thought the blacks could be involved with this. After all, this person threatened to give a bank teller AIDS by coughing on them = fail. A black teller would have been unmoved by anything other than a threat to run her credit. Now THAT might have resulted in the immediate emptying of the vault, handing over of bank cards and any spare funds from the wet and wavy weave fund on hand.

White coonery is really on the come up!

I will say this much: Given as I keep finding myself sitting next to people smelling like doo doo balls (Suge Knight of Busboys and Poets, I am calling you to. the. mat.) I may need to invest in my own blue bandanna and perfect a Pookie-esque New Jack City-type drawl.

For the cause (of my nostrils).

PS: To the bank robber and Senor Doo Doo Balls:

Va Inmate Sues for Sex Change Surgery (After man meat home removal fails…)

I thought Esther Rolle was gone on to glory????
Jaysus be a powerful sedative. I urge you to have a seat in a rocking chair with arms suitable for clutching. I would offer you my old rugged cross, but I’m busy clinging to it.

Ready your eyes for this riveting tale (wonderfully executed by my former co-worker – REAL TALK!) of mistaken man meat, prison razors and RuPaul aspirations.

Full disclosure: As an alternative woman (birth name: Kwame Kwaku Jenkins-Harris IV) I can completely relate to gender dysphoria and this story. I have no words to express the frustration I have felt with being constantly refered to as “sir” and being denied my rightful title in the NFL hall of fame as the second woman to play for the Giants (Wendy Williams being the first.)

From reports:

DILLWYN, Va. – Crouched in her cell, Ophelia De'lonta hoped three green disposable razors from the prison commissary would give her what the Virginia Department of Corrections will not — a sex change.

Interjection: I absolutely dare you to read further!

It had been several years since she had felt the urges, but she had been fighting them for weeks. But like numerous other times, she failed to get rid of what she calls "that thing" between her legs, the last evidence she was born a male.
Months after the October castration attempt, De'lonta filed a federal lawsuit Friday claiming the state has failed its duty to provide adequate medical care because it won't give her the operation. If she loses, she says she will continue to try self-surgery — acknowledging another attempt could kill her.

Bless the heart of this missionary in the fight against unwanted peens. We all have to start somewhere; I hear even Jermaine Jackson began his journey to abstract facial glory with putty knives and alcohol. Girl, you better chop that lumber off and get your vagina power on!

While many with gender identity disorder wish to get rid of their genitals, the majority never act — often because hormones and other treatments help make them feel more comfortable, (one expert) said. (Translation: Duct tape changes thangs! I’m a believer!)

Inmate: State-sponsored Male to Female Gender Reassignment = My American Right Boo!

The hormones and other treatments had kept her urges in check for years. She snapped Oct. 8 when an officer used a male pronoun toward her, despite a court order that prison workers refer to her as a woman.
"I screamed `She, damnit!' becoming so overwhelmed it was hard to breathe," De'lonta said.

YAAAAAAASSSS! Do you have ANY idea how many times this exact same shat has happened to me? My sloping brow, Anthony Weineresque jawline (I know you see it – I’m certain that praying mantis lookin’ ninja can husk the hell out of some corn…) and coifed goatee are NO EXCUSE for you to refer to me as anything but a delicate evening blossom of feminine exuberance. I had to turn a Bob’s Big Boy OUT after a cashier refered to me as Sir. When I tell you French fries and quick weaves were scattered! I can’t go to the state of Missouri anymore, but it was all worth it in the fight for acceptance of alternative women, such as myself, Omarosa and now, De’lonta!
*joins paw-like, square hands with other alternative women*

By God as my witness, you will NOT deny our vaginas their seat at the table!!!

Using knowledge gained from mail-order anatomy books (Another Nikki Minaj secret revealed…) De'lonta cut on and off for three hours before she passed out. It took 21 stitches to repair the damage.
De'lonta first tried to cut herself when she was 12. By 17, she was robbing banks with the hopes of getting enough money to have a sex change operation.

I get the thinking behind this – after all, I understand it’s exactly what led to Remy Ma’s life of crime. But there are more productive methods, you know, like launching a blockbuster music career, hosting a talk show or getting on the reality TV carousel, to fund your switch.

My enrollment in the alt-woman relocation program won’t allow me to reveal who I know to have followed that path. So I’ll just look directly at Wendy Williams and let you make the conclusions…

Today in Race Embarrassment: 2 Live Crew Front Man Uncle Luke Running For Mayor

Uncle Luke for mayor! Ass shots for all!

“I’m not no career politician and I ain’t gonna act like no career politician”

This absolutely cannot happen in America.

Uncle Luke – yes, the curly-collar polo shirt wearing former front man of ‘80s ass music vendors 2 Live Crew - is running for Mayor of Miami and, according to this report, he’s “As serious as he wants to be.”

Pardon me while I drop thee fuck dead.

I’d seen this a while back dear readers, but I was far too busy getting my updo tightened and my talons slathered in OPI’s To God Be The Glory (a fetching shade of opalescent white) in preparation for the rapture of love to pay attention to any gap-toothed political ambitions, such as they aren’t. We all know what happened when jaysus got high and forgot to teleport all of us believers to The Upper Room last week, so we won't get salty about THAT shazzamery all again. *side eye to the sky*

Anyway, when I saw the video of this my mind was changed. In the spirit of metropolitan transit authorities across the country, I felt motivated to speak out. If you see something, say something game proper!

THIS:


He wants all meetings recorded eh? Mmmmhmm, that’s a trap. Be warned council members - you all go on camera if you wanna. Someone will pour a bottle of champagne over your head and run a dusty ATM card between your cheeks about four minutes in – THEN sell it at a flea market in Little Haiti.

And that’s just not what jaysus had in mind children.

This, people, is coonetry done right. Martin Luther The Kang did not die in vain!

Midget Stripper to Star in Rapper Plies Reality TV Series (With Video, of course...)

My mind's telling me no...


Pole dancers take heed - the revolution's a comin' and it has legs shaped like the letter C!

Don't expect me to shade Bushwick Bill's fraternal twin sister for being two apples tall dear readers - not when THN is but an inch taller than Kid from Kid-n-Play's high top fade at it's most elevated!

But I will definitely offer some awning-style extended shade to Plies for being the cultivator, purveyor and fuckery maestro responsible for bringing us this - and doubtless other assorted negro hijinks - through his highly (snort laugh) anticipated reality TV show "The Real Goonette."

I thought Foxy Brown had copyrighted that title???

According to Plies (whose 1998 curly collared polo shirts have set my eyelashes aflutter...) the term applies to "female hustlers" who are getting it "hard in the paint" (!) with style and grace.

And by style and grace, he means with a dollar on their forehead and buttcheek turned up to heaven!

And that's about where Lil V and her jumbo junk badunk comes in. Press play to see (t)highlights from her hot and heavy evenings at Club Toot It and Boot It making it jiggle for school supplies and explaining how she found it hard to obtain mainstream work while living with achondroplasia dwarfism. Her grown up ass on a toddler body steez has landed her gigs in several music videos - so a reality TV series was sure to follow. All I can say is girl preach - stripper jobs beat customer service anyday!


(WARNING: Not safe for life.)

Florida why do I see your fingerprints ALL OVER THIS?????


I can't knock chocolate mini mama's hustle - don't pretend like I'm the only one who's noticed these "Little People, Big World" types tend to have the double wide, extended cab booty game on permanent lock. Why not turn that econo-sized seatwarmer into a piggy bank???

As for her legs being on permanent cowboy stance? Well you can't have everythang! Hell if you know anything about dwarfism you know the leg sitch is part and parcel with the condish - or didn't you wonder why I always look like I'm squattin...

Quietly (and don't ask how I know this) I think Bridget the Midget has all but tapped the lucrative midget sex toy field. But if Lil V is determined, all I can say is swang one of those parentheses lookin' jawns up on that pole and get it how you live boo!

PS: I generally don't listen to Plies and will hold off on getting into why he has a reality TV series in another installation. I'll be needing a double dose of Benadryl and a shot of praise jaysus to sleep tonight as it is...

Warren G Promotes Male (ahem) "Enhancement" Pill (We're not praying hard enough, clearly..)

He said "As you can see, I take my Affirm XL and now it's time to regulate."

What's that I hear in the distance? Oh yes, JAYSUS WEEPING. Clearly Warren G didn't have a prayin' grandmother...







It would appear that the bust up of the beloved Nate Dogg and Warren G team (you know, after Nate Dogg exited for The Upper Room recently...) has hit Warren G hard (nevermind the 20-odd recordless years of surviving on bologna sammiches and Fanta waiting to get put back on...) and his wang has taken it hardest.

Or softest.

It's too early in the morning for this shat.

From TheRoot:

The supplement's website includes three spots starring him -- and even working in a hip-hop reference for anyone who couldn't quite place the almost 40-year-old rapper

*clutches chest Redd Fox funeral style* It's the big one! I'm coming to join you Elizabeth - with a 15-year-old Warren G cassette in my hand and one of Hugh Hefner's ratty smoking jackets on my back!

Time to regulate indeed.

Nevermind the subtle shade implied in the notion that someone couldn't quite place him ("Who is this coon? Oh wait, he's the cat who be down at the Wash-n-Go on Crenshaw...") The question on my mind is exactly how is Warren G, by all accounts a 90s rap "star" who hasn't been relevant in a few presidential administrations, qualified to shill male enhancement pills?

Why would anybody buy a male enhancement pill from a someone whose peen probably hasn't seen any action since the 2 Live Crew "Barbeque and Balls Bash" of summer 1995????

Hell, let me stop: Some class of 93 former Bonita Applebum-turned-mama of 17 probably gave Warren G her considerably stale cookies behind a Circle K just last week. The shat people do for a chance to share a sammich *shakes head*

But that doesn't change that we haven't seen a Warren G album of relevance since the Real World was a legitimate show, and Regulators - though celebrated as a 90s rap hit - was really just Warren G and Nate Dogg moaning about some shat that would be forgettable had the song not been carried by the dope Michael McDonald background beat. Boom. KAK even.

Hell, ninja NEED to be taking a CAREER enhancement pill...I ain't lyin'!

THN Verdict: President Obama is Fuggin' Up (And not just because he's clearly in Al-Qaida...)

President Barack Obama birther debate is officially out of control

So I had just donned my special Cee Lo/Wizard of Oz robe and was about to lead a 14-hour weave intervention for the Braxton sisters (pray for them ya’ll, their yaki sins are numerous and their scalps are weary) when I heard that Obama was holding a press conference to announce the release of his long form birth certificate and confirm that he was, in fact, born in America.

From live reports:

The president said officials in Hawaii had been persuaded to make an exception and release the full 'long form' version of the documents because the debate had become a sideshow.
'We're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers,' he said. (The strategic arrangement of mustache clippings that comprises Donald Trump’s hair does indeed count as a sideshow – THN )
…'We've got some big challenges ahead,' he said.
'We're not going to be able to do it if we just make stuff up and pretend that facts are not facts. We do not have time for this kind of silliness.'

We sure as hell do NOT – not as long as gas is priced by the carat and I have to pawn a ring to go to the club! I need a team getting on top of this $4 gas sitch STAT because if I’m forced to fill up for $45 once more, wigs will get SNATCHED, ya hear? But I digress.

President Barack Obama, YOU ARE FUGGIN UP

Mmmmhmmm. I said it. Obama is responding to ignorance with seriousness – always a bad idea. You have to meet jackassery WITH jackassery. Didn’t this cat go to Harvard University????

The birthers say you weren’t born in the states, ok, cool breeze. Dignifying their crazy, I’ve-got-a-bunker-in-my-basement asses by digging into Hawaii’s super secret birth certificate vault (where they keep ALL the terrorist birth records) and digging up your credentials = YOU’RE LOSING.

Let me tell you something – those people will only be satisfied when Mama Obama has submitted to an intravaginal excavation, led by a United Nations team accompanied by world class spelunkers. And if they don't turn up weapons of mass destruction, they'll claim the entire procedure has to be repeated!

Don't believe me? Just look what popped up in the LA Times about an hour or so after President Obama spoke:

Orly Taitz, self-annointed leader of the so-called "birther" movement, says she welcomes the White House’s decision to release President Obama’s long-form birth certificate but still has questions about his past that would put his eligibility to hold office in doubt.

I propose in the grand tradition of jackassery, that Obama should have BEEN embraced this birther situation with full on sarcasm. That would involve:

1) Suddenly requiring that Secret Service agents wear camouflage and carry assault rifles
2) Demanding to be referred to as “Barack X”
3) Abandoning the White House to instead live in a series of tents on the White House grounds
And
4) Holding all press conferences in Arabic, which you “picked up” while studying in Iran Colorado. Yeah, that’s it, Colorado.

Oh and how could I forget – he should show up to all presidential events dressed like this:



Of course, President Obama would probably not fair well in the 2012 election. But sometimes, you've just got to act a monkey.

Meanwhile, can someone, anyone, PLEASE explain to me how Donald Trump manages to be taken seriously in this matter?

Newsflash - The man is looking people in the eyes with this on his head:



I repeat – he has ticker tape or some type of gossamer silk on his head passing as hair. (I would refer to this as dryer lint, dear readers, but that would be a direct insult to dryer lint, which is infinitely thicker and more lustrous.)

How in thee WORLD does this man get to comment on a DAMNED THING???

I’m sorry, at the point at which your hair starts resembling spun sugar, I can no longer hear anything you say. My ears reject it – it’s the damnedest thing. I can just barely hear Tamar Braxton over her swisher sweet fringe bangs.

Look, when I need advice on how to turn gossamer silk into a semi-passable hair piece, I’ll holler at Donald Trump.

Otherwise, PAYIN’ IT! (as in no attention…)

Braxton Family Values (Advanced Placement Fuggery - Get Ready for Your Test!!)

UPDATE: May the spirit of wet and wavy weave rest upon this family.

I just have no earthly idea why these womens' hair consistantly looks like dryer lint, but every SINGLE time I see them I feel the need to hand someone a hijab.

Meanwhile - can we get Tamar Braxton on the adoption market? It's not too late. I'm sure a Pimp Named Silky will take her on.

And perhaps he'll be willing to press her out. Everybody wins!!!!

As for Toni Braxton - no shade, I need the key to unlock the mystery of her swole up cheek situation STAT.



Forgive me father for I have sinned!

In a highly uncharacteristic show of selfish concern with the future livelihood of my vagina, last Tuesday, I went on a date rather than staying at home and tending to my exhaulted coon-monitoring duties. The result: No Twitter, THN or any type of coverage of the split end, wet and wavy weave fest that is Braxton Family Values.

FOR SHAME THN. FOR. SHAME.


No more! I have learned the error of my ways and the power of my duties as a documenter of the age-old fuggery of the children of the sun.

So tonight, tune in here for live blogging (I can see you setting your phone reminder – I love you too baby!) as I continue to take notes on the destruction of the negro race artistic posturing that is Braxton Family Values.

I wish I could give you a review of the second week, dear reader, but as I mentioned, I was off galavanting with lust in my heart and ky jelly in my purse. But I feel secure in saying it definitely involved a lot of Tamar in full sail dramatic cunt mode; her husband sittin' her down in still HIGHER dramatic cunt mode (proving that he is indeed the mother of the house and his children SHALL obey) and the rest of her sisters desperately searching for their respective relevancies, possibly with the aid of a private eye. Oh and Toni being pie-faced and over the fact that this is her life.

Take a look at the initial episode trailer - and tell me that's NOT what happened...


See you all at 9 loveboogers!