And today in "Black People Ain't Got NOBODY But Kang Jaysus..."

In the words of our immortal drawstring compatriots and ambassadors of overexpressive hip gyrating melodies: Don't talk. Just listen.

There are moments, dear fans, when despite my obvious skills at divining the motives of assorted coons, it's clear to me that commentary is simply not needed to interpret the fuckshit. In other words:

 I AIN'T EVEN GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS HERE.

She be like:

 

and I be like...

So help me, this baby ain't got not NE'ER type of a chance...

PS: Expect to see the Cat AND his Hat on Maury - 'cause I'm 10 THOUSAND percent sure he IS the father! *starts doing the Ricky Bobby for good measure*

Video Inside: White child dresses as MLK for school = Chile, bye.

Fugshat ensues after Dr. Martin Luther King costume is ill-received (extended sigh)

 "I like black people - I don't want to be mean to them. It's just a costume!" - Errant caucasian dressed as Dr. Martin Luther King.
Could someone please direct me immediately to the hem of sweet White Jaysus's garment? I need something to cling to during times like this.

Faithful fuggery: Jaysus is like soup and thangs...

Worshipper: "Jesus is like Campbell soup - he's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD" (DEAD)

Jaysus has delivered The Blacks through 400 years of slavery. That part on the side of Nelson Mandela's head. And several seasons of Lester's teeth on 227. Yet this, THIS, is how you thank him? THIS is how we're bringing in the new year???

Exasperated sigh with Charlie Brown frustration eyes.

Though I too have felt the need to hit a mean halleleujah shoulder hunch after a particularly delectable bowl of chicken soup with Spongebob-shaped noodles, I've managed to keep my jubilance contained.

Not this heavenly soldier!

The worst part is not her reference to "carrot soup" - something I think Bugs Bunny tried to cook on a cartoon at some point ...

It's not the inherent mystery presented by her jiggling marsupial pouch threatening to steal the show ...

Nor is it the ivory glory of those lips, so chicly powdered with the finest in Entemann's donuts...

No. THE WORST PART is that I'm not entirely sure what she's communicating - is she trying to say De Lawd is good? I mean, I can't make heads or tails of it. She needs to be more direct, maybe try repeating herself and adding some of that sing songy preaching The Blacks like to do. Praise dancers might also help...

Campbell's soup has been notified. A spokesperson failed to see the humor in any of this.

Oh and this guy was pissed off too, but you know he's ALWAYS feelin' some type of way...

Michael Jackson had herpes????

Trial of Michael Jackson doctor Conrad Murray Begins (Oh and herpes accusations are in the mix...)

Michael Jackson's personal pubic hair stylist took the stand Wednesday (a side part for all seasons...) - TMZ


In case you haven't been keeping up - and really, what could POSSIBLY take precedence over waiting with baited breath to capture a glimpse of Jermaine Jackson in all his leathern-faced glory - the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray has begun.

This is the former doctor of Michael Jackson who killed him dead suffered some difficulty saving the Great White One resulting in him currently being deader than a mofo. TMZ is on the case, and if you thought some fuckery would result from this trial you were absolutely correct.

The defense has already begun insinuating The Great White Hope killed himself, Jermaine is already shilling books dressed as a goth nutcracker, our friend above is sitting on the stand lookin' like an extra from Harlem Nights and oh yes, Jermaine's hair is looking like this:

 


Oh - and it's being implied that Michael Jackson either had herpes or some type of addiction to a potentially fatal creme of cocaine. Or possibly both.

From TMZ:

Williams said after he learned of Michael's death, Murray came up to him and said there was "some cream Michael wouldn't want the world to know about." Murray asked him to drive him to the home so he could retrieve the "cream."

Excuse me while I take this to Kang Jaysus...

Sly Stone is homeless, badly dressed and oh yes BATSHIT CRAZY (but you knew that)

This is what WTF is all about.


Mmmmhmmm. Look directly at it. Take it all in. Let it work on ya.

If you haven't the strength to read this post without an orderly to hold you upright or a rocking chair with arms suitable for clinging, then just read this money quote and know in your heart that worse was yet to come:

From NY Post:

“My music is a format that will encourage you to have a song you won’t forget. That’s why I got so much money, that there are so many people around, and that’s why I am in court. Millions of dollars!” Stone says. “But now please tell everybody, please, to give me a job, play my music. I’m tired of all this s--t, man.”

Black woman author has book about ... Girl, just look at the picture and the Youtube!

I'm just gonna go ahead and let the beat rock on this one.

Today's Sadness Sammich...

Christopher "Kid" Reid Arrested, Video Link (and sadness sammich) Inside

FREE THE IRRIDESCENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jaysus be a cozy tanning bed and a gang of Banana Boat extra bronze, sun-baked goodness tanning oil.

Apparently Powder / The Ghost of Rap Careers Past / Batman villain "Hyperwhite" /Christopher "Kid" Reid, of Kid-n-Play fame (involuntary bowel movement - pardon me) has gone the route so well beaten by the likes of Tupac, Ja Rule, DMX, Gucci Mane (and lips), T.I. etc. -- HE'S ALL UP IN THE JAILY JAIL!!!

CNN: Black Women Tired of Having Hair Touched

Lawd jaysus, jaysus lawd.

While I've been over here brainstorming on gifts appropriate for a woman's 74th baby (I got you Lauryn, trust) C(oon)N(ews)N(etwork) has sneaked out another riveting examination of the lifestyles of Kunta's cousins!

This time it's provocatively titled "Can I touch it?" and it has absolutely nothing to do with Jermaine Jackson or his Braille-inspired cheeks.

Rather it's an examination of why certain people insist on touching black women's natural hair.

It opens with the recounting of a "close call" (Heather reaches out to touch afro puff, Shawnte pulls out numchuks, police intervene) and goes on to talk about how many black women have thrown their boxes of Optimum to the wind and are instead letting their natural whodunits out to play:

Rather than use chemical straighteners known as relaxers (also sometimes called "creamy crack" for both the damage it can do to black hair as well as the inability of some women to live without it) YOU TRIED THAT - Love, THN some women wear their hair in its natural state.
Natural hair can be described as curly, kinky, wavy, or -- the sometimes dreaded and considered by some to be an offensive word -- nappy. FURTHER CHEST CLUTCH - Love, THN

The story goes on to discuss how the act of trying to touch a black woman's hair is inherently racist.

As usual, the Children of the Sun are clearly confused. There's no racism here - rather, this is our white brethren and sistren performing a standard weave check. Sure it's nappy - but is it yourn? Given E Badu's lengthy record of manipulating beard trimmings, pubes and dryer lint into mountains of faux 'fro, can you really blame The Whites for being confused about whether your naps are your own? Kelly wasn't trying to embarrass you Bookika - she was just keepin' things authentic!

Thank you Whites!

As a card carrying owner of Team Busted Combs, I haven't ever had the pleasure of being petted. If I were, however, I like to think I wouldn't consider it so much a moment of cultural dissonance as a fiscal opportunity.

Because you will NAUGHT lovingly caress my naps for free!

Anyways, I'd like to take a moment to thank CNN for it's continued efforts at telling the story of the Children of the Sun. Whether it's informing us that natural hair has indeed come into style (Who knew?!) or confirming that black women remain the most unattractive option for marriage (Phew, I was worried our status might be threatened given the Mexican influx...) CNN remains on top of negro news. Thanks for lettin' us know CNN!

PS: Click the video and have your soul rocked by the Dark and Lovely glory of that Shalamar-era whoop-de-swoop in Honey Glazed Gold - MY SOULLLLLLL!!!!

Drive Thru Mortuary Makes Viewing Dead Convenient. (Sadly, Fries and Sundaes Unavailable)

Drive. Thru. Mortuary.

In the words of Ike Turner's stunt double Chris Brown: I'm done.

 


From The LA Times:

Adams funeral parlor, a fixture in Compton since 1974, brings to the business of death a convenience of the living: drive-thru viewing of the dead.
Visitors are greeted by a huge red-lettered sign above the entrance of the stone building on East Palmer Street. In the reception lounge, gold chandeliers dangle so low that tall visitors have to duck. Plastic swathes the pink upholstered seats.

So much fuckery. So little time. Just once, ONCE, can I PLEASE click on something like this and The Blacks not be involved? Can't it be like, Rosie Perez and them? Meanwhile, I would like to go on the record right here, now and TODAY as putting my family on notice -

YOU'D BETTER NOT EVEN THINK OF REDUCING ME TO THE STATUS OF A BACONATOR AFTER I'VE BEEN ASSASSINATED!

I urge you, dear reader, to make your family aware of your post-mortem wishes as well -- or risk a funeral service that involves a side of seasoned fries and a sweet iced tea. You will NOT get sweet and sour sauce on my home-going outfit! Meanwhile, is it me, or does this give an odd corpse zoo affect (as opposed to, you know, a NOT odd corpse zoo affect)?

There's more:

"It's a unique feature that sets us aside from other funeral parlors," said (owner)Peggy Scott Adams..."You can come by after work, you don't need to deal with parking, you can sign the book outside and the family knows that you paid your respects," said Scott Adams. "It's a convenience thing."

Did she just imply that you could scoot on through in the Cutlass Supreme and view Grandma Nana on the way to Laquisha's Clip-n-Weave????? Well hell, since we're talking about convenience, why not just rig up one of those vacuum tubes like they have at the bank drive thru? Just stuff the body in the container, and ZIP ZOOM - Cousin Mookie is gone home to the Upper Room!

In the spirit of the Pulitzers, I'm going to go ahead and give this patron saint of shazzamery a 2011 Golden Coon Award. The ancestors are truly stunned right now.

*wanders off singing "you's a window shoooooper!" - since I'm a drop dead asshole*

Jesse Jackson Jr. Blames iPad For Jobs Lost (Stocks in Black Shame Rise...)

In a move cleverly calculated to secure the Jackson family’s dominance as the nation’s lead producer of political fuckery and general race shame, Jesse Jackson Jr. (Jesse Jackson son no. 4,000) is personally blaming the iPad for destroying the economy – mmmmhmm, Steve Jobs and his magical fun screen are lowering book store sales > shutting down jobs > taking fish nuggets DIRECTLY out of the mouth of little Raheems across Brooklyn.

Don't deny the correlation!

From Engadget:

Publishers, librarians, and booksellers are losing their jobs and It's all entirely the iPad's fault. Forget the Kindle's millions of sales, the iPad did it. In a technophobic rant to rival all technophobic rants that have come before it, Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. accuses the iPad's popularity for the current level of unemployment in his nation, before proceeding to sculpt a rickety argument about how the First Amendment to the US Constitution is being exploited for the benefit of China.

(PS: I love this term, “technophobe” – it has an updated hatey ring to it I think today’s modern bigots will like. I’ll see if we can get the Westboro people onboard!)


Well I for one totally agree with Jackson. I mean, black folks have a looooong history of dominating the librarian industry. And have you BEEN to a bookstore this decade? They’re virtually CRAWLING with blacks, long known for our high reading SAT scores and general love of books and knowledge. I hear the KKK is a leading investor in Kindle technology for just that reason!



Gadaffi. Side. Eye.


Ok, besides stepping their hair game up to at least a 1999 level of relevance, the Jacksons can be a lot more useful if they focus on the things that really ARE problems – ie. The fact that too many black youths and hell, even their parents, are tech illiterate outside of knowing how to download the latest Travis Porter ringtone. Back about 50 million years ago, the push was getting computers into inner city communities. Well that era is OVER – it’s not enough to have a clunky Rayovac-type PC/paper weight in a Chicago community center serving as an oversized typewriter. Push to get some tech training into these inner city communities so that rather than crying about blacks losing low-paying bookstore jobs (which, PS, really aren’t heavily populated by the Children of The Sun) folks can be celebrating how many blacks are getting jobs with Apple – and commensurate salaries!

*somewhere in the distance, an old black man rocks on his pew*

Girl, sometimes THN gots to take ya to the bridge!

Seriously, I’m a little disappointed that no matter how much we spray for them, no matter how many times Terminix is called, the Jacksons keep coming back to wave their magic fuckery wands. It’s bad enough we won’t likely get The Whites drunk enough to elect another Obama this millennium; you keep saying shat like this, and deportations to the Ivory Coast might begin next week!

Oh wait, there’s more:

Jackson, himself an iPad owner, expanded on his statement by pointing to the recent bankruptcy of Borders Books...

WTF??? Meanwhile, he uses the Interweb??!! The Interweb is directly responsible for the destruction of the formerly lucrative “Town Crier” industry, once a heavy employer of negreaux across America. Loud-mouthed, hollerin’ ninjas the nation over are now reduced to just being noisy bastards in McDonald’s lines and movie theaters.

You’re part of the problem Jackson. You. Are. Part. Of. The. PROBLEM!!!!

PS: Don’t fuck with Steve Jobs. He’ll have you AND your Steve Harvey-style box fade rubbed out faster than you can say keep hope alive. Just sayin’…

Chris Rock Headed for CNN Newsroom? (Also in news: MLK Jr. Comes Back to Life, Dies Again of Aneurysm)

Ain't NATHAN workin’ out over at CNN. They’ve got their resident Crypt Keeper and the world’s oldest cracker Larry King (also the face model for all of the presidents on Mount Rushmore – news you can use!) retiring and taking his ice pick shoulders with him - shuttering all possibilities of their own spin off.

Ratings are down.

The network can’t rustle up any more braid slaves to get The Blacks to tune in and CNN news anchors ain’t cuttin’ it. Meanwhile, they’re facing stiff competition from the likes of VH1 and WE tv, all making heavy strides in the lucrative coonivision market with offerings like Braxton Family Values, Love and Hip Hop and other shows designed to slowly embarass The Blacks into finally catching a boat back to Africa.

I don’t know about you, but after the fuggery that was Tamar Braxton, I’ve got my oar in hand and my life vest collar fully popped!

Honestly, can’t some beauty shop owner toss the folks in the CNN newsroom (including Soledad O’Brien) a 2005 copy of Essence Magazine so they can break a “new” trend story?

Absent that option, the powers that be over at CNN tv news have cooked up a better plan: Chris Rock!

From the New York Post:

CNN brass are scrambling to find a new host for their troubled 7 p.m. timeslot, and trying to win back the African-American and Hispanic viewers sources say they've lost since the 2008 presidential campaign.
Hoping to accomplish both things at once, insiders said the network is interested in wooing African-American entertainers for the slot, currently held by "John King USA," and has mentioned comedian Chris Rock and former "Talk Soup" host Aisha Tyler as possibilities.

Churlllll. Get. Thee ENTIRE fuck out of here. What, comedian Tracy Morgan wasn’t available? Catch the double scoop of shade though:

CNN shot a pilot featuring Soledad O'Brien for the 7 p.m. slot, as we reported last month -- but sources tell us it was deemed unwatchable by CNN Worldwide president Jim Walton. However, some CNN suits haven't given up on the idea. "They are desperately trying to put together a show with Soledad at 7 p.m.," an insider told Page Six yesterday. "So she is getting another chance and will be shooting another pilot today."

SHITDAMN!

Word on the streets is that “It has been clearly articulated that they need to consider a host with an ethnic background for a prime-time slot” on the CNN schedule. That’s code for The Hostile Negress shamed us into ditching Guadalupe Soledad “Patron Saint of Nagger News” O’Brien and her yarns about being black in America.

Victory todaaaaayy isss miiiiinnnnne! But Chris Rock? Seriously? Hell, they might as well add a show with Chris Rock and Chris Tucker to the CNN schedule – and can we work tap shoes in there?? Didn’t we just go through this with Chocolate News?

If David Grier and his stroke face catch wind of this, there’s gonna be blood on the dance floor!

I could question why “black” and “comedy” seem to be synonymous when it comes to CNN tv, but that would just be pointless; I think the ENTIRE “CNN Black In America” shawshank – you know, when they showed us all those clappin’, sangin’ negreaux as examples of what it means to be black in America – exposed exactly what CNN’s take on The Blacks is.

Chris Rock Good Hair was cute. Chris Rock jokes are cute. Chris Rock CNN news anchors? Not cute. Well alls I know is if they DO debut a show with Chris Rock, I’ll make sure to skidaddle down to ATL for the inevitable sneak peak party. I’m certain chitlins will be on tap.

EEEYYYEAAAAAH GLORY!

New Report: Wet and Wavy Weave/Beyonce Weave Antics Ravaging Black Women's Hairlines!

You would think 3M makes some sort of Velcro product targeted directly at the sketchy hairline community.

In a blockbuster article almost certainly influenced by Naomi Campbell's coastal erosion edges (honorable mention for model Cynthia Bailey and her hologram hairline...), U.S. News and World Report this week reports that relentlessly tacky, unconvincing and overall ratchet weaves creative hair concoctions are resulting in a generation of butterball-headed negresses.

From U.S. News and World Report:

A new study of middle-aged black women finds that almost 30 percent suffer from baldness and scarring in the center of their scalps, possibly because braids and weaves pull their hair too tight.

I call bullshit - judging from the average urban fastfood drive thru window, the number is at least 67 percent! But I concede that my study methods (tallying the number of askance glances I direct at assorted golden arches hairlines daily) aren't exactly scientific.

I digress - the report's author goes on to blame a mixture of black hairbraiding styles, relaxers (aka scream cream), hot combs and an assortment of (ratchet) black hairstyles for snatching negresses the world over cleaner than Bobby Brown's wallet. Mmmmhmmm, where's your Mizani Butter Blend Relaxer now??

One thing is clear about the baldness, however: "Once you get it, it's permanent," Kyei said, and the hair doesn't come back. "That's why a lot of African Americans wear wigs or put something on their scalp to hide their hair." -- I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU CALL KELLY ROWLAND OUT LIKE THAT! - THN

So about now you might be thinking, but THN, how did they do the study? Did they just run up on assorted women with Mr. Drummond-type hairlines at the weave shop and say "Hey woman, hey woman - I noticed that your hairline is giving a slight Houdini affect, sort of now you see it, now you don't. What's tee?"

Batch, you know that's EXACTLY what they did:

In the new study, Cleveland Clinic researchers examined the hair of 326 black women who were approached at churches and a health fair in Cleveland. The women answered questions about their hair and their health.

And THAT I would have given up an entire year's worth of "This Is It!" buffalo wings (don't front, I see you gnawing on the honey goodness) to watch. Can you imagine how they convinced Sister Jenkins to lift off this:




(Praise him!)


To reveal THIS:



Someone break the glass on the emergency Holy Water vial over by the organ. And grab that Kemi Oyl out of Sister Hawkins' bra while you're at it - we're about to go to war for the LORD! Hairline missionaries, ACTIVATE!!!!!

The things people will do when promised a few Pantene samples and a coupon to Wong's Weave Hut.

In the words of Chris Brown: I'm done.

(PS: No I do NOT feel sorry for these people. They knew when they're hairline started giving a Count Chocula affect what time it was! I continue to advocate natural hair styles for black women, if only to keep my decorative afro pick racket going strong on Etsy. I'm just sayin'!)

Ho Burger is a hit in Texas. In other news: "Life" canceled, "Hope" returned to sender

Personally I prefer "Ho Burger" but I understand Amber Rose has copyrighted that name, and given her considerable status as a relentless golddigger and opportunist businesswoman, she would be highly likely to sue.

Is Mya at least making a little money off this? Lil Wayne? Any of the nation's pre-eminent whores?

'Fat Ho Burgers' Opens in Texas: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

From Fox Houston:

WACO, Texas - You can get hot, juicy burgers with crispy tots or fries at a new restaurant in Waco, Texas. But it’s not the food that’s getting the attention at Fat Ho Burgers. That’s right. The restaurant is named after a fat (as in hefty) ho (not the garden tool). .

I mean, really? Where is my vial full of The Blood. I feel an annointing coming on.

"It’s not calling people a ho. It’s just like they say, 'Oooh that ho is big,' or, 'That ho is tight!’” said Lakita Evans, the restaurant’s owner.

The 23-year-old worked her way through college to open her burger joint and said the name is mostly a bit of humor in an otherwise serious world.

Ok, Ok, bet. I mean, Lakita has a point. And more importantly, Lakita has not allowed her outrageously ratchet name circumstance to limit her job opportunities to pole dancing. To that I say, ashe.

Oh wait. She said this too:

"Look what’s going on in Japan. It’s like clear this world is not gonna get any better. Why cry and be depressed? The economy is bad. Somebody gotta keep a sense of humor around here,” Evans said. For now, that means grilled favorites including the Sloppy Ho Brisket or the Supa Dupa Fly Ho with Chz for a lunch crowd that’s spilling out of the front door.

And that's what we're working with nowadays.

I hate black people so much right now. Obama, I thought you were gonna fix this???

PS: Do they have carmelized onions? Because if they do, well then that might change things...

Of ashy strippers and Miami Vice suits: I'm calling for a prayer circle 'round Chris Brown

Christ be a heavy blanket, a Xanax and a pistol. This 2012 end of the world shat is REAL. If you had ANY doubt:


What in $1.95 stripper hell? In the words of Riley Freeman: HELP US OBAAMAAAAAAA!!!!!!



Well I don't know about you, but I feel urged to slather shea butter all over my screen in a hopeless effort to moisturize that severely parched knee.

This young brother is truly truly troubled. I mean, his money can't buy better than that weave and those Rainbow boots? We need to just lift him up and annoint him. We'll leave Shontquashia's obvious spiritual needs for another day, but that tub of industrial strength shea butter will definitely be involved, as will the efforts of our Weave Ministry.

I'm just gonna go ahead let the one brother's face just say it all on this one. And from where I stand, his face is saying something about shame, ancestors, grandma nana, Dr. Martin Luther The Kang, debit cards and canola oil.

Gotdamn. I need to go lay down.

Songs in the key of fuggery: Egyptian man names child Facebook

Allah take the whee... you know what. Nevermind. *tosses sand into the air*



Huffington Post


No need to tell me - you didn't pay attention in Dimwali and your GED course didn't include Arab, so you have no idea what this sign says. Here's a clue: He's not asking you to visit his page.

No. He's ruining his child's life. One letter at a time.


From Tech Crunch:

A young man in his twenties wanted to express his gratitude about the victories the youth of 25th of January have achieved and chose to express it in the form of naming his firstborn girl "Facebook" Jamal Ibrahim (his name.) The girl's family, friends, and neighbors in the Ibrahimya region gathered around the new born to express their continuing support for the revolution that started on Facebook. "Facebook" received many gifts from the youth who were overjoyed by her arrival and the new name. A name [Facebook] that shocked the entire world.

And then there was this. I'm in a state of conflict, however, over this item. I mean, technically, Egypt IS in Africa. So under the traditional rules of the game, this DOES count as black folk fuckery. BUUUUUUUUUT, this guy seems Arab to me. And that means that The Browns would have to take ownership of this fine incident.

Either way, I think there's a brown baby somewhere whose first words will be along the lines of "Seriously though?"


The REAL joke is on the daddy: Facebook (pronounced in the vein of Sade and with a long AND short 'O' sound) happens to be the no. 1 name among black female babies born to ratchet mothers in Brooklyn this winter.

VH1 show featuring *cough* Jim Jones battles with Baltimore Inmate Wives for settin' back the race dominance

I'm gonna put down my goblet of cranapple and level with you: I had zero intention of posting a daaaaaamn thing this evern, especially since I see that certain ungrateful negreaux (this means you man in the mirror) fall way off when a sistah isn't supplying you with a continuous stream of coonanigans.

Mmmmhmmm. 75 hits when I conjure up tails of weaves gone wrong. And one hit when a batch takes a nap. Shat like this is why I'm joining the Klan.

But 'tis Black History Month. And I have duties to find gems of fuggery for the masses. It just so happens that today, care of Miss Jia and my fave Crunk and Disorderly booka Freshalina, I have happened upon a trove indeed.

Now, and I remember when there used to be something called scripted TV. But nowadays all it takes is a wonk eye and a bad quick weave (hey NeNe!) and you're a "star." And THAT is precisely what's to blame for Baltimore Inmate Housewives. And I swear to Big Baby Osiris Jesus that I wish I made this up.



I ABSOLUTELY demand that you direct your eyes to the background ambiance. Did someone just empty their purse everywhere in that house? It smells like catfish and coconut hairgrease in there. That's not an interrogative - I'm presenting that as a solid, verified statement.

Not to be outdone by the likes of Charm City, VH1 is polishign off some elite jungleboogie fuckery - and you KNOW it's real when Mashonda AND Olivia are involved.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

I almost peed - did this heaux just ask Jim "Keep soap alive" Jones to marry her? Jim "15'oclock Shadow" Jones? Jim "Bump be gone ain't do shat for my throat" Jones?? THAT NIG????

I refuse to address his basso profundo-voiced moms besides saying that I want to see her, Frankie and Alan Iverson's mama in a cage match IMMEDIATELY.

Negrodamus told me that this will be the most outrageous February yet. And if this continues, I may end the month in adult diapers.

Don't judge. They'll be kente cloth.

Fried, dyed and laid to the side - A "because I can" moment

Tell the DJ bring it back.


No, you don't get any type of explainer on this shat. I'm posting this just because I'm an out of control negress who should never have been freed and certainly shouldn't have been given Interweb access.

I just want you to marinate in it.

Flavor Flav's chicken joint is open for bidnass!

Dear God, It's Me Hostile Negress:

I know you're busy up there rallying your troops against Antoine Dodson, annointing Monique's legs and meditating on how to handle the "Toya situation" but I need you now more than ever.

I think it's time for you to call Flavor Flav home. He's done his duty here and has been an amazing ambassador to coonery. The blacks won't ever recover.

Do you think you could rapture him now? I'd sure appreciate it.

Thanks

-HN

This moment brought to you by Steve Harvey's teeth whitening trays

This.


I don't know about you, but this couple screams pure, unmitigated sex appeal to me.

Laugh now. But one of these days Bugsy Seigel's ghost is finally gonna catch up with this nucca and the score will be SETTLED.

*walks away humming "speak lawd, speak to me"*

Red Alert Coonery: Cocaine, meet pastry

Photo care of Necole Bitchie

I knooooow you see it. I'm so tempted to just slap this photo up here and allow you to self-tragedize. But that would be neglecting my duties as sergeant in arms against the spread of foolwangary and a publically elected documentor of coonanigans (Trademarked).

Soooo, I was in the midst of my normal morning routine as of late - downing of a mug of vodka while mumbling bitterly about The Man and perusing the latest submissions for Coon of the Year, when I stumbled upon the above photo, snapped at Ray J's 30th birthday.

Ray J. Yes, that. We won't delve into how he remains relevant anywhere on planet Earth; I will leave these mysteries to be solved by the likes of Stephen Hawkings, who has recieved a detailed WTF query.

Anywho, I was just about to move on when something about the cake caught my eye: Are those cocaine bricks atop the cake???

Nevermind that this fool would be summarily ground into a fine powder and distributed by the likes of Gucci Mane iffen he EVER set foot in an establishment peddling such bricks. (I won't even begin to address the "Pure" sign...) Nevermind that he has no familiarity with the monetary currency represented on the cake.

No, those are the obvious offenses. The real question is who made the cake? I thought Desserts by Latrell was closed?

And at this point, dear readers, I shall fold up my laptop, fold myself into 44 pieces, and await the mushroom cloud.

I suggest you do the same.