Chris Rock Headed for CNN Newsroom? (Also in news: MLK Jr. Comes Back to Life, Dies Again of Aneurysm)

Ain't NATHAN workin’ out over at CNN. They’ve got their resident Crypt Keeper and the world’s oldest cracker Larry King (also the face model for all of the presidents on Mount Rushmore – news you can use!) retiring and taking his ice pick shoulders with him - shuttering all possibilities of their own spin off.

Ratings are down.

The network can’t rustle up any more braid slaves to get The Blacks to tune in and CNN news anchors ain’t cuttin’ it. Meanwhile, they’re facing stiff competition from the likes of VH1 and WE tv, all making heavy strides in the lucrative coonivision market with offerings like Braxton Family Values, Love and Hip Hop and other shows designed to slowly embarass The Blacks into finally catching a boat back to Africa.

I don’t know about you, but after the fuggery that was Tamar Braxton, I’ve got my oar in hand and my life vest collar fully popped!

Honestly, can’t some beauty shop owner toss the folks in the CNN newsroom (including Soledad O’Brien) a 2005 copy of Essence Magazine so they can break a “new” trend story?

Absent that option, the powers that be over at CNN tv news have cooked up a better plan: Chris Rock!

From the New York Post:

CNN brass are scrambling to find a new host for their troubled 7 p.m. timeslot, and trying to win back the African-American and Hispanic viewers sources say they've lost since the 2008 presidential campaign.
Hoping to accomplish both things at once, insiders said the network is interested in wooing African-American entertainers for the slot, currently held by "John King USA," and has mentioned comedian Chris Rock and former "Talk Soup" host Aisha Tyler as possibilities.

Churlllll. Get. Thee ENTIRE fuck out of here. What, comedian Tracy Morgan wasn’t available? Catch the double scoop of shade though:

CNN shot a pilot featuring Soledad O'Brien for the 7 p.m. slot, as we reported last month -- but sources tell us it was deemed unwatchable by CNN Worldwide president Jim Walton. However, some CNN suits haven't given up on the idea. "They are desperately trying to put together a show with Soledad at 7 p.m.," an insider told Page Six yesterday. "So she is getting another chance and will be shooting another pilot today."

SHITDAMN!

Word on the streets is that “It has been clearly articulated that they need to consider a host with an ethnic background for a prime-time slot” on the CNN schedule. That’s code for The Hostile Negress shamed us into ditching Guadalupe Soledad “Patron Saint of Nagger News” O’Brien and her yarns about being black in America.

Victory todaaaaayy isss miiiiinnnnne! But Chris Rock? Seriously? Hell, they might as well add a show with Chris Rock and Chris Tucker to the CNN schedule – and can we work tap shoes in there?? Didn’t we just go through this with Chocolate News?

If David Grier and his stroke face catch wind of this, there’s gonna be blood on the dance floor!

I could question why “black” and “comedy” seem to be synonymous when it comes to CNN tv, but that would just be pointless; I think the ENTIRE “CNN Black In America” shawshank – you know, when they showed us all those clappin’, sangin’ negreaux as examples of what it means to be black in America – exposed exactly what CNN’s take on The Blacks is.

Chris Rock Good Hair was cute. Chris Rock jokes are cute. Chris Rock CNN news anchors? Not cute. Well alls I know is if they DO debut a show with Chris Rock, I’ll make sure to skidaddle down to ATL for the inevitable sneak peak party. I’m certain chitlins will be on tap.

EEEYYYEAAAAAH GLORY!