SHITCRAP, Md. (FNN) - The Hostile Negress escaped uninjured Tuesday after The Earth, a skew-eyed moldy femme queen of the tiredest variety, attempted to shake her like a Polaroid picture, authorities said.
Reached by the Fuggery News Network, The Hostile Negress said that Earth "has been trying me for decades" and promised that "this clear attempt on my life will be avenged batch.
"It's not my fault your weave is asymmetric. Proper, honorable weaves are available to all Americans. You've made your hairline choices. Trying to Harlem-shake a sista to death is pointless!"
Authorities pinpointed the assassination attempt to roughly 2:15 p.m. Hostile tells authorities she was flat ironing, waxing and sheening her handlebar mustache in preparation for the International Competitive Beard meet (Go BeardTeam USA!) when she began to feel a powerful rumbling.
Originally mistaking the shaking for a serious case of rumble guts resulting from possibly spoiled hog maws consumed earlier, Hostile tells FNN that she continued with her facial hair grooming.
Moments later, the celebrity blogger said she recognized the shaking to be Earth's distinctively late voguing attempts.
Earth did not get her 10s.
"When I catch up with that batch, I'm gonna choke slam her ocean-covered, equator-waisted ass to infinity and beyond," Hostile said, immediately adding, "Praise Jaysus!"
Roflmbao!!!!
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