Study: Black Women Have High Testosterone, Are Dudes (Oh, and they're ugly, but you knew that!)

Love Black Women? They're All High Testosterone-havin' Dudes (Sorry Boo!)

I knew this broad was going to blow our cover


Well it finally went and happened.

The jig is up black "women" – they’re on to us. You heard me right - they've figured out we're dudes! If you love black women, sorry.

Yes, it’s true. Black women are really just black men who got bored one day and wanted to expand the NBA – I tried to speak out against the scheme, but they just tossed me in a corner with some Wet-n-Wild Raspberry Oooh La La lipstick and said “Get the paintin’!”

Go ahead and take those socks out of your shirts, snatch those Tina Turner reject wigs off and drop your voice back down to The Temptations register. Take off the skirts – they’re not covering up that Refrigerator Perry figure anyhow.

Nicki Minaj, put those pads back in the couch boo.

It’s over. The dream has died. In a Psychology Today study, "Why are African American Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?", Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa has snatched our hip pads clean out:

Kanazawa (who is also the author of a book called Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters) speculates, "The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races."

I’m so glad I can finally untape my balls! Praise him!

I’m really surprised nobody got hip to our little scheme years ago – I mean, did people REALLY think those black women models Fashion Fair trots out were female?? (I mean really, how much high testosterone can you have and still be considered female..) How many times did YOU mistake one of their ads for a picture of Burt Reynolds?? *raises hand*

And I REALLY thought Omorosa and her steel jaw (I bet she can crack thee HAYLE out of some snow crab legs...) was gonna spill the beans.

Now the world knows - all of the famous black women you've known and loved are really dudes. Oprah? That's just Otis. Beyonce? Girl that's Brandon. And Wendy Williams? Well even I couldn't believe that one sneaked below the radar.

Even important black women in history were dudes: Harriet Tubman? That was Harry from the grocery store!



GIFSoup
PS: Florida was Florence...but you kind of figured that one on your own...


So nooooooow back to reality land: You know what’s more tired than this study? The fact that every time a study comes out, black women get all up in arms about it.

For the record, according to assorted studies over the years, black women:

- Are second only to Jabba the Hut in their massive obesity
- Pass most of the day in tree stands firing high powered crossbows at interracial couples
- Have 4,239 children – a year. (All with names ending in “-tae”)
- And are dying from breast cancer/heart attacks/diabetes/scrotal cancer/cancer of the entire body

Oh and those batches smell like Lysol and crawfish boil too! Annnnnnd they shop at Ross - tacky batches!

Here’s an idea: How about we just stop giving a rat’s ass about dumb ass studies advancing dumb ass theories done by dumb ass people who pay waaaaay too much attention to black women to be anything but completely, purely and unequivocably OBSESSED with them, k?

Stop giving these people the attention they crave and Dr. Kanazawa and all others of his ilk will return to their Ted Kazinsky style huts and watch child porn the way they do any other Tuesday.

And that’s the roundabout way of saying that me and my high testosterone are OVER IT.

Mariah Carey Finally Has Babies - But Won't Name Them Just Yet (Nothing Suspect There)

UPDATE: The names are in - and amazingly, they are not inspired by My Little Pony. From CNN -

Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon have finally revealed the names of their twins who were born in Los Angeles on Saturday.

Their son is named Moroccan Scott Cannon, with the nickname "Roc". Scott is Nick’s middle name, as well as his grandmother’s maiden name.

Their daughter’s name is Monroe Cannon. Mariah's rep says she does not have a middle name because Mariah herself does not have one. Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe, who has been an inspiration to Mariah her whole life.

Aha! Mariah Carey's ho steez is finally explained! As for naming the child after the ethnicity of the Canal Street scented oil man (you know, the one with oil holster): No comment.

As you were.

What you know: After the world's longest pregnancy (don't act like you didn't notice this ho carrying high in the neck for 15 months...) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have welcomed a pair of twin babies - a boy and a girl.

What you didn't know: They haven't named the children - a sure sign of fuggery to come.

From Digital Spy:

Cindi Berger, a representative for the couple, confirmed to The AP that Carey gave birth today at 12.07pm EDT at an unknown hospital in Los Angeles.
The singer's daughter was born first, weighing 5lb 3oz, followed closely by a boy, weighing 5lb 6oz.
"My wife just gave me the most incredible anniversary gift ever in life!" Cannon tweeted earlier today. "I won't ever be able to top this!" YOU'RE MAKING THIS TOO EASY FOR ME - LOVE THN
Although the couple have yet to name the new arrivals, they are expected to renew their wedding vows tomorrow, having celebrated three years of marriage today.

Amazingly, I was just days away from leading a CIA team to the Carey compound for an orchestrated snatching of the sack full of pink feathers I was convinced Mariah Carey was keeping under her ass-skimming dress when I got news that - praise JAYSUS! - she was safely delivered of two human babies!

And all this time, I had her pegged to deliver a cheesesteak and a liter of orange Fanta! This is the best news since America assassinated Osama and dumped his body in the sea (oh yea, you're detecting shade there...)

Now onto the more pressing issue of what these doomed blessed arrivals will be named.

*snatches back curtain* I submit my Top 3 Baby Names for Mariah Carey:

1) Unicorn and Rainbow: Appropriately captures the "I'm a 5-year-old princess" vibe that Mariah Carey has cultivated for the last 17 summers while injecting a unisexual vibe. I mean, a boy OR a girl could be named Rainbow, am I right or am I right?

2) Honey and Bunny: It rhymes. What more could you want from baby names?

and my final pick (and the one I seriously DO think will happen)

3)Nick and Mariah: I could SOOOOO see these two doing that. Those babies won't have a chance.

Please say a silent prayer for the babies born into the glittery fuggery that is the Carey-Cannon dynasty.

ASHAY.

New Report: Wet and Wavy Weave/Beyonce Weave Antics Ravaging Black Women's Hairlines!

You would think 3M makes some sort of Velcro product targeted directly at the sketchy hairline community.

In a blockbuster article almost certainly influenced by Naomi Campbell's coastal erosion edges (honorable mention for model Cynthia Bailey and her hologram hairline...), U.S. News and World Report this week reports that relentlessly tacky, unconvincing and overall ratchet weaves creative hair concoctions are resulting in a generation of butterball-headed negresses.

From U.S. News and World Report:

A new study of middle-aged black women finds that almost 30 percent suffer from baldness and scarring in the center of their scalps, possibly because braids and weaves pull their hair too tight.

I call bullshit - judging from the average urban fastfood drive thru window, the number is at least 67 percent! But I concede that my study methods (tallying the number of askance glances I direct at assorted golden arches hairlines daily) aren't exactly scientific.

I digress - the report's author goes on to blame a mixture of black hairbraiding styles, relaxers (aka scream cream), hot combs and an assortment of (ratchet) black hairstyles for snatching negresses the world over cleaner than Bobby Brown's wallet. Mmmmhmmm, where's your Mizani Butter Blend Relaxer now??

One thing is clear about the baldness, however: "Once you get it, it's permanent," Kyei said, and the hair doesn't come back. "That's why a lot of African Americans wear wigs or put something on their scalp to hide their hair." -- I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU CALL KELLY ROWLAND OUT LIKE THAT! - THN

So about now you might be thinking, but THN, how did they do the study? Did they just run up on assorted women with Mr. Drummond-type hairlines at the weave shop and say "Hey woman, hey woman - I noticed that your hairline is giving a slight Houdini affect, sort of now you see it, now you don't. What's tee?"

Batch, you know that's EXACTLY what they did:

In the new study, Cleveland Clinic researchers examined the hair of 326 black women who were approached at churches and a health fair in Cleveland. The women answered questions about their hair and their health.

And THAT I would have given up an entire year's worth of "This Is It!" buffalo wings (don't front, I see you gnawing on the honey goodness) to watch. Can you imagine how they convinced Sister Jenkins to lift off this:




(Praise him!)


To reveal THIS:



Someone break the glass on the emergency Holy Water vial over by the organ. And grab that Kemi Oyl out of Sister Hawkins' bra while you're at it - we're about to go to war for the LORD! Hairline missionaries, ACTIVATE!!!!!

The things people will do when promised a few Pantene samples and a coupon to Wong's Weave Hut.

In the words of Chris Brown: I'm done.

(PS: No I do NOT feel sorry for these people. They knew when they're hairline started giving a Count Chocula affect what time it was! I continue to advocate natural hair styles for black women, if only to keep my decorative afro pick racket going strong on Etsy. I'm just sayin'!)

New Ginuwine Video (mmmhmmm, that's what I said...)

*consider my pearls CLUTCHED*


I will temporarily disregard the fact that this man is clearly wearing a wedding suit ... or that these video heaux appear plucked from Lennox Mall ... or that from the looks of this "set" (In Riley voice: Real niggas don't have budgets!) some family in Ft. Washington, Md. was PISSED when they came home from vacation.

I can set all of that aside.

But did this ninja just say “You are my driiiiiiiiiiiink of choice"??????

Did he just say “I take you straaaaaaaaaaight with no chaser”????????

Because I’m about to break the glass on this cyanide pill I keep in my purse, if that is indeed the case.

Look into their eyes -

THE ANCESTORS ARE NOT AMUSED ELGIN!!!!!!

You know, I’m a firm believer of knowing when to fold ‘em. And when you last were a poster on someone’s dorm room wall in the previous millennium, I would argue that a fold is necessary.

Ok, Ok, let me be fair. I think it’s great that the stars of my pre-period high school years are finding their way back to the spotlight. I mean hayle, nuccas gotta eat and Softsheen Carson “Curl Control!” activator ain’t free. Plus this ninja has like, 40 kids with that hatchet-faced model wife of his, so he has to do something. It was either this or some Bojangles action down at the Jay Street Burroughs station and that’s currently MY plan C, and I DO NOT need a sidekick.

But I'm just saying: Whatever happened to the days when artists would just do the quiet, dignified fade away? They would realize that their time had come and gone, step to the left of the camera, and discretly fade into a life of alcohol abuse and eventual death in their bathtub. KIDDING! But seriously, folks like Teddy Riley and Michael Bivens kept it cute – transitioning into gigs as producers and writers, collecting their cheese and not making purety dingle donkeys of themselves being on the stage at 52 gyrating for jaysus.

Don’t nobody wanna ride your AARP pony boo.

I even heard from my good friend Blue over at bluecentric.com that Dru Hill is trying for a comeback. And that just hurts, you know what I’m saying?

I mean, DAMN, can’t I have my freshman college year memories intact? Nevermind that JLo is still holding on with - you guessed it - a new video! With Pitbull even!

When the Bar Kays make a come back, I'll know I've been changed.

James Brown dancin' lessons AKA JB says Fug you Hostile Negress!

Forgive me father for I have sinned!

In my last post - all of about 20 minutes ago - I implied that among his many transgressions (including the blatant abuse of male perm kits, an obvious disregard for abdominal sculpting and an attitude toward plunging male necklines and man cleavage that can only be described as completely immoral) the man couldn't dance.

Indeed, I have until now considered James Brown the master of the shuffle-foot-shazzam, a move any child (or senior citizen) can conjure up when they need to pee OR which any random project dweller has had to perfect in times of a roach blitzreig.

But this video, this piece of visual platinum, has straightened me right the fuck out. *snatches back the curtain*



I am literally speechless. I mean. Did you SEE his pelvis? I mean did YOU SEE IT? That man could deliver a baby easy. Them's baby-deliverin hips.

And that Camelwalk. Between the those spandex-ass pants (I can see the outline of his pubes I swear) his glistening man tits and the shear unmitigated hot dripping sex on a platter that is called The Camelwalk, I stand utterly dumbfounded and corrected.

If I whip out that Camelwalk, draws is comin' AWWWWF ya heard?

I salute thee James Brown. And your hips.

*Softly collapses into fresh snow, as blood pours from my neck and lotus blossoms gently fall onto my slain body.*

Great travesties in black film: The Heart Specialist (the devil is a liar!)

All. Star. Cast.

While you all were busy analyzing Linethia's RHOA hair sculpture, they slipped the above on us.

How glorious will this be? Take a peek and tell me:




In the name of the father, son, holy ghost and Sherman Helmsley, I want to say I officially BIND everybody involved with this. The actors. The directors. The writers. The grips. The people in charge of teasin' Marla's wigs and attaching her to the system of ropes and pullies that's surely keeping her ancient ass upright.

I will, however, send an economy sized bag of cheetos and a jar of Blue Magic to the makeup artist who spackled Jasmine Guy. Making her look 50 is truly a feet that deserves a danish or a Soul Train award or some type of recognition.

Haven't heard of this one? Apparently you're not the only one: While this is allegedly supposed to come out in two weeks (In theatres. In North America.) it still hasn't been rated.

Where they do THAT at?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, what pre-Armageddon planetary alignment has occured that created this particular slate of black "stars" (cough)? Mya and Method Man is already TRYING IT. Marla Gibbs, Terence J and Jennifer Lewis made me take my belt off.

But did they conjure up LEON???

I won't take on Avon Barksdale, since I know times have been hard since The Wire went night night, but I must give a misty side eye to Ed Asner. Dayum, what's REALLY going on there!

Again, I say, I BIND thee! The devil is a liar! This ain't over - expect to hear from my lawyer AND my ancestors behind this shenaniganry. Now let's just see which one of you all goes to see it. Tell ya what, you do that, and I'll be at home doing this:



GIFSoup

Ice skating negress superstars UNITE!!! (pop the top for video...)

And what were YOU doing over the holidaze?! If it wasn't pop lock and droppin' on the icy dance floor, kill yourself.



The Blacks will take ANYTHING there. I blame Abraham Lincoln directly for this.

And you thought Willow locked it down. WRONG - until she's cuttin' it up on the ice in special fitted Chuck Taylor blades, tooted up Hooker Jr. butter cutter shorts and a unicorn mistress head piece, she really ain't that impressive.

Surya Bonaly is somewhere wiping a bar top and wondering what happened to her life.


Die whore - this is the FUTURE!

Aretha's Got the Big C (and I don't mean cream pie you jerk!)

Normally I would eviscerate Ms. Franklin. Not because I'm an evil Hostile Negress who should never have been freed, but for very obvious reasons that involve malappropriated spaghetti straps. But this here? Not funny at all madame.

The Soul Diva herself has The Cancer. Or so they say:

FOX 2 News in Detroit has learned that the "Queen of Soul" has cancer. A relative of Aretha Franklin tells reporter Al Allen that the icon has cancer. Another relative says the family is very concerned.

(can we PLEASE take a moment to go awf about how cunt she looks in this photo???? YASSSSSS!)

I was listening to NPR last night - yes, we negresses do listen to NPR - and there was a discussion of how far cancer has come into the public eye. Apparently back in the '70s, you know, before things mattered, people wouldn't even admit to having cancer. "The Big C" they called it, according to the show, and I recall an episode of Good Times (you knew it was coming) in which Florida's boyfriend has cancer and calls it "The Big C."

Where am I going with this? Nowhere at all! Cancer sucks and Good Times was a great show. I'm just sayin'!

Oh, and I love the full length version of the Big Re Re Snickers commercial: