Video: X Factor's Prince doppelganger is coming to a TV near you! (And he's bringing his nuthuggers and his fiercest wrap...)

X Factor's Siameze Floyd Shopping Reality Show (Scroll down for preview of life...)

If you’re unfamiliar with the shimmering sex vornado of kitten heels, man cleavage and Lotta Body Wrap Spray that is Siameze Floyd (copyright 2011) consider your life empty indeed.

In case you missed it, gather your emotions, squeeze your legs together and prepare as the DJ brangs it back:



This burgeoning intersex icon took the world by storm on X Factor a few weeks back, simulatenously challenging batches everywhere to step up their unicorn/horsey kick game, while representing the Little People, Big World: Talent Division’s global debut (child hush, you were wondering about the proportions on that head too.)

What you didn’t know: Siameze Floyd was apparently raised by a harem of Rick James’ old backup hoes and is descendant from a line of “men” (shifty eyes) whose hair is laid like a canister of refrigerated leftover relaxer (you’ve done it bitch, don’t lie) and whose sexuality is more ambiguous than Nivea’s career.

Now that’s DEEP.

Oh, and did I mention that this polyamorous family which clearly shares hair products across gender lines is also hoping to share its story with the world via a reality tv show?? Feast your eyes on the preview prize and click it for Jaysus:




YES. GAWD. THAT is what’s for dinner! Can you even BEGIN to imagine the type of capoeira-style hand to hand combat that erupts when the Pink Oil Moisturizer sheen spray supply dips low in that household???!!! Chile bye - I bet that's how the other three wives died...


I for one say the time is absolutely right for this show - this is a civil rights issue dear readers!

For too long Prince as been forced to carry the load of being a spokesperson for the intersex community on his petite shoulders alone. He’s had some notable help in more recent years:

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Not to mention a couple of older gwerls:




Yet the community has remained largely underground, reliant on the occasional awards show or backup singer appearances (I see you Norwood...) to affirm their existence. And we won’t even begin to get into the trials these delicate rosebuds have suffered trying to obtain extra schmedium nuthugger jeans with adequate elasticity - another time, another place.

The production of this show would truly be a victory for the community. If you love me dear readers, call, text, email and provide sexual favors to anyone at VH1 to ensure that this spectacle of niggatry makes it to the tube.

If you won't do it for me


Do it for Mother Nick.


Ashe.

Police: Man Cuts Off Woman's Hair At Bus Stop (Related: Foxy Brown Wanted...)

Police: Thief chopped off, stole woman's waist-long ponytail at bus stop

Does anybody know where the Braxton sisters were this weekend? I'm just sayin...

I was just coming to terms with Saturday's rapture fail (We're not going to talk about how I ended up $850 in the hole behind an all-white-erythang couture homegoing wardrobe - Jaysus I am hate you so much right now...) and accepting that, as confirmed by Phaedra Parks' continued presence on Earth, the rapture did NOT happen after all, when I received this dispatch.

End times may have kicked off after all! In the immortal words of Aunt Esther, eeeyeahhhh glory!

From AP:

SAO PAULO — Brazilian police say a thief cut off and stole a woman’s long hair while she waited at a bus stop.
Police say the hair was virgin, meaning it had not been chemically treated, and will probably be sold for the production of wigs.

They creeping through your windows, snatching your ponytails up!

I'm shocked that Foxy Brown hadn't thought of this years ago, quite frankly.

Inspector Jose Carlos Bezerra da Silva said Friday to Globo TV’s G1 website that the woman was waiting for a bus in the central city of Goiania when the man used a knife-like weapon to cut the hair, which reached past her waist. She said she thought the man was going to steal her purse so she turned her back to him.

Nevermind the herpes and rampant poverty that come as part of your "So you wanna live in Brazil" gift basket, you now have to worry about getting an involuntary pixie cut while waiting for the A29???

Good. Day.

PS: How swift does a ninja have to be to slice the pony off and keep steppin'?!? GUTTA. I bet Mary J. Blige's agents were involved.

This is EXACTLY why I advocate Remy's breakaway banjee ponytail line - specially designed for the ratchet socialite's needs. Laugh now dear reader - but sources tell me McDonald's has revived its sweet chili nugget dipping sauce and you KNOW how tightly they monitor that shat. By next Friday, batches are gonna be scrapping in drivethru's across the nation behind that elusive second packet! (Don't act like you haven't raised your voice behind the nugget sweetness...)

I suggest you have your vaseline and stunt ponytail TOGETHA - or end up like Lupe rockin' the Webster 'fro!

Police: Burglars Bypassing Cash, Stealing Wet and Wavy Weave Nationwide

Police: Criminals Ignoring Cash, Stealing Thousands in Remy Weave Nationwide

I hate every last thing about this – and I especially hate that the first image that popped into my head was that of a Set It Off style showdown, complete with Vivica Fox getting brain juice splattered on her chin for being too slow on the gotdamned register.


*Stop screaming and put the Sensationnel 22-inch party ponytail in the bag - I got BINGO tonight whore!*

According to The New York Times (More on their devolution into chroniclers of elite coonery later…):

(The thieves) "did not give the safe or cash register a second look.
Instead they went straight for what was most valuable: human hair...During the past two months alone, robbers in quest of human hair have killed a beauty shop supplier in Michigan and carried out heists nationwide in which they have made off with tens of thousands of dollars of hair at a time. “

Note to The Weave Shop: Invest in copious Biz Markie portraits pit bulls TODAY!

I'm telling you straight off: Iffen I end up dead on the floor of "Thank Jaysus The Loan Came Through Miraculous Heavenly Hands Beauty Salon and Check Cashing" behind some Beyonce weave, I'm coming back to haunt ERY damned body, you smell me?

Beyonce weave straight claiming lives. Sensationnel instant weave got folks headed to the drive-thru mortuary.

Logging. Off.

I knew wet and wavy weave was destroying this community one scalp at a time. But I figured the end would look more like Tamar Braxton’s wig vault or Naomi Campbell’s parched ass hairline as it lays on the salon floor clutching its neck and gasping for air.

I never figured on some Juice type shat behind Remy weave. Bishop play too much!

More here:

In addition to the $150,000 Houston robbery this month, thieves have recently taken $10,000 in hair from a San Diego shop; $85,000 from a business in Missouri City, Tex.; $10,000 from a shop in Dearborn, Mich.; and $60,000 from a business in San Leandro, Calif.

Notice that the Asians aren’t included in this story. Why? Because Wong and them BEEN hip to the Children of the Sun’s fuckery and prepared themselves with an assortment of weaponry for that ass years ago. You make a move on some Remy weave in any Korean-owned, inner city hair mart if you wanna – you’ll have a ninja star in your retina and a numchuck up the ass faster than you can say "Chung’s Weave Emporium-n-Daycare don’t even get down like that son!"

I speak from experience!

I too was about to pull down my ski mask and get crunk and disorderly behind a wet and wavy weave drawstring pony, before I learned that I could dutty wine just as effectively with a head full of Afghan hound as with human hair weave. The more you know! Haters can stay on their job - the kennel has done me well and I haven't had to violate probation.

Why is President Obama chasing after terrorists when we have a crisis of epic proportions right here on American shores??? Gas costs $10,000 a gallon and batches pockets are looking anemic. None of which negates the need for wet and wavy weave splendor.

Sistas gotta work the Beyonce weave out! And that means there will be blood Mr. President. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.



PS: I know in my heart that each Toni Braxton sister is involved with this. Hell, from the looks of those cheap weave catastrophes, I NEED them to be involved with this...