Monday, April 18, 2011

Drive Thru Mortuary Makes Viewing Dead Convenient. (Sadly, Fries and Sundaes Unavailable)

Drive. Thru. Mortuary.

In the words of Ike Turner's stunt double Chris Brown: I'm done.

 


From The LA Times:
Adams funeral parlor, a fixture in Compton since 1974, brings to the business of death a convenience of the living: drive-thru viewing of the dead.
Visitors are greeted by a huge red-lettered sign above the entrance of the stone building on East Palmer Street. In the reception lounge, gold chandeliers dangle so low that tall visitors have to duck. Plastic swathes the pink upholstered seats.


So much fuckery. So little time. Just once, ONCE, can I PLEASE click on something like this and The Blacks not be involved? Can't it be like, Rosie Perez and them? Meanwhile, I would like to go on the record right here, now and TODAY as putting my family on notice -

YOU'D BETTER NOT EVEN THINK OF REDUCING ME TO THE STATUS OF A BACONATOR AFTER I'VE BEEN ASSASSINATED!


I urge you, dear reader, to make your family aware of your post-mortem wishes as well -- or risk a funeral service that involves a side of seasoned fries and a sweet iced tea. You will NOT get sweet and sour sauce on my home-going outfit! Meanwhile, is it me, or does this give an odd corpse zoo affect (as opposed to, you know, a NOT odd corpse zoo affect)?

There's more:

"It's a unique feature that sets us aside from other funeral parlors," said (owner)Peggy Scott Adams..."You can come by after work, you don't need to deal with parking, you can sign the book outside and the family knows that you paid your respects," said Scott Adams. "It's a convenience thing."


Did she just imply that you could scoot on through in the Cutlass Supreme and view Grandma Nana on the way to Laquisha's Clip-n-Weave????? Well hell, since we're talking about convenience, why not just rig up one of those vacuum tubes like they have at the bank drive thru? Just stuff the body in the container, and ZIP ZOOM - Cousin Mookie is gone home to the Upper Room!

In the spirit of the Pulitzers, I'm going to go ahead and give this patron saint of shazzamery a 2011 Golden Coon Award. The ancestors are truly stunned right now.

*wanders off singing "you's a window shoooooper!" - since I'm a drop dead asshole*

1 comment:

  1. *dead*

    I cannot believe this!! Chile!

    "...Well hell, since we're talking about convenience, why not just rig up one of those vacuum tubes like they have at the bank drive thru? Just stuff the body in the container, and ZIP ZOOM - Cousin Mookie is gone home to the Upper Room!"

    *howling*

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