Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Watch This: Lil Mama's New Video Scrawberry

Lil Mama (or Lil Lhama if you're nasty) Has New Music Out!

End times children, end times.

This is one of those moments in which I feel so thoroughly conflicted as a celebrity shade blogger.

On the one claw, I feel like I SHOULD inform you that this is happening - and by "this" I mean Lil Mama and her continued insistence on a career.

And yet, on the other claw, I really don't want to be responsible for your trip to The Upper Room should you be foolish enough to press play and commit visual sin in your heart (since you will almost certainly succumb to the overwhelming allure of Lil Lama in 42 Dollar Bin wigs and drowned puppy-like breastlets - drowned puppies being among the saddest things on earth...)

I'm not ready to make such decisions, so I'll just lay the cyanide pills on your dresser and walk out quietly, "what your girl don't know what hurt her" style.

More Lil Mama acts of music below.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Beyonce's pregnant and thangs (I'm sporting a commemorative camel toe in tribute...)

Beyonce pregnancy = Countdown to Camel!

Beyonce pregnant
Note to Willow Smith: This child is already up for an in-utero grammy. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Let Countdown to Camel Calf 2012 officially begin!!!! (I’m already hawking commemorative camel paw-printed Beyonce pregnant pictures...)

I,like you dear reader(s?), sat semi-rapt in the VMA music awards last night, wondering why Queen Creole High Kicker picked this occasion to give a random fashion tribute to the Temptations.

And then it happened – the moment that destroyed the careers of Fantasia Barrino AND Mariah Carey's spawn:

Beyonce unbuttoned her David Ruffin couture blazer to reveal the distinct in-utero hump of an even-toed ungulate. That’s right: BABY CAMEL IS HAPPENING!!!!!!

*Jay Z releases a powerful nay heard 'round the world*

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

BREAKING: Earth tries to kill The Hostile Negress! (Tired queen...)

earthquake, end of world, 2012, East Coast earthquake

SHITCRAP, Md. (FNN) - The Hostile Negress escaped uninjured Tuesday after The Earth, a skew-eyed moldy femme queen of the tiredest variety, attempted to shake her like a Polaroid picture, authorities said.

Reached by the Fuggery News Network, The Hostile Negress said that Earth "has been trying me for decades" and promised that "this clear attempt on my life will be avenged batch.
"It's not my fault your weave is asymmetric. Proper, honorable weaves are available to all Americans. You've made your hairline choices. Trying to Harlem-shake a sista to death is pointless!"

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Lesbian charged after beating partner with strap on penis/dildo

Police: Lesbian couple argued before dildo domestic violence (doves crying)

When I tell you nights like this I wish raindrops would fall...

First of all, Georgia folks, you can relax: This is some bonafide Florida Fuggery, so you're off the hook this time. Second of all, Popeye's I need you to screen your employees better! If this sister is laying her Ike Turner smack down with the silicon sausage, I have some SERIOUS questions about what she might be doing with the extra crispy drums.

You'd better stop and think about it!

Arresting officers: YouTube is NOT a circumcision guide...

Black woman arrested following YouTube tutorial botched circumcision attempt (CTRL-ALT-DEL life...)

black woman botches circumcision, black woman arrested, Keemonta Peterson
You mad? Yeah, YOU MAD!

If you've been paying attention to life then you know that behind Wikipedia, YouTube tutorials are THEE go-to reference for getting all of your important life lessons - you know, how to recreate a Beyonce Video Phone lip or learn how to drive a car or deliver a baby.

Hell, I was scheduled to use YouTube to perform an emergency vocal chord removal on Rihanna just last week, before I fug around and dropped my best butter knife behind the stove! (THIS LIFE!!!!)

Well word on the skreet is that you apparently want to go ahead and pass on the circumcision YouTube-torials. Mmmhmm - something about man-meat not being amenable to being snipped with safety scissors and a dab of Icy Hot (to dull the pain). Who knew!

From The Grio via AP:

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Video Inside: Church Stabbing

Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)

WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.

Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.

Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Today's Sadness Sammich...

Christopher "Kid" Reid Arrested, Video Link (and sadness sammich) Inside

Christopher Kid Reid, Christopher Reid, rapper, Kid-n-play, Roots

Jaysus be a cozy tanning bed and a gang of Banana Boat extra bronze, sun-baked goodness tanning oil.

Apparently Powder / The Ghost of Rap Careers Past / Batman villain "Hyperwhite" /Christopher "Kid" Reid, of Kid-n-Play fame (involuntary bowel movement - pardon me) has gone the route so well beaten by the likes of Tupac, Ja Rule, DMX, Gucci Mane (and lips), T.I. etc. -- HE'S ALL UP IN THE JAILY JAIL!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Video: Watch Patti LaBelle Stir It Up with Chaka Khan, Whitney Houston, Maya Angelou, Whitney Houston and friends (Spoiler: No wigs were tilted...)

Who knew that the pre-eminent divas of negress womanhood all gathered at Patti LaBelle’s chamber of sequins for marmalade, heel kicking and other random voulez-vous shenanigans? And more importantly:

Where the fug were the invites for me and Ciara?

We invested in copious Beyonce weave and had our Adam’s apples shaved down in advance and we get nada – no ribs, no Glory green goodness? Patti Labelle if only you knew: Brother CiCi ain’t happy. I would invest in a shield if I were you – her femurs are long and her back is country strong!

Ciara, black woman, singer
Take note batch!

Fortunately, the entire soiree was memorialized on YouTube for us nonfactors to bask in the glory of their golden weaved excellence digitally – Beyonce, Diana Ross, Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Rihanna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston (Nippy if you’re nasty- THN) all are there spilling tea, swinging ponytails and taking names.

Phenomenal woman ( ?) Maya Angelou even spits a verse in Nipsy Russel register – GLORY!

Sadly, The Braxtons were left out on the porch holding Halloween pails and wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop – you know, the norm for their Saturday evening. (If only they would repent of their wet and wavy weave sins they too could be welcomed into the kabal…)

Hit play, clutch the hem of His garment and prepare to let the shade blow your hair back!

(Spoiler: Favorite quotes would be a tie between “You look like you ate Eve AND Adam’s apples” and “Hakuna Matada bitch!”)