Tuesday, July 26, 2011

CNN: Black Women Tired of Having Hair Touched

Lawd jaysus, jaysus lawd.

While I've been over here brainstorming on gifts appropriate for a woman's 74th baby (I got you Lauryn, trust) C(oon)N(ews)N(etwork) has sneaked out another riveting examination of the lifestyles of Kunta's cousins!

This time it's provocatively titled "Can I touch it?" and it has absolutely nothing to do with Jermaine Jackson or his Braille-inspired cheeks.

Rather it's an examination of why certain people insist on touching black women's natural hair.

It opens with the recounting of a "close call" (Heather reaches out to touch afro puff, Shawnte pulls out numchuks, police intervene) and goes on to talk about how many black women have thrown their boxes of Optimum to the wind and are instead letting their natural whodunits out to play:

Rather than use chemical straighteners known as relaxers (also sometimes called "creamy crack" for both the damage it can do to black hair as well as the inability of some women to live without it) YOU TRIED THAT - Love, THN some women wear their hair in its natural state.
Natural hair can be described as curly, kinky, wavy, or -- the sometimes dreaded and considered by some to be an offensive word -- nappy. FURTHER CHEST CLUTCH - Love, THN

The story goes on to discuss how the act of trying to touch a black woman's hair is inherently racist.

As usual, the Children of the Sun are clearly confused. There's no racism here - rather, this is our white brethren and sistren performing a standard weave check. Sure it's nappy - but is it yourn? Given E Badu's lengthy record of manipulating beard trimmings, pubes and dryer lint into mountains of faux 'fro, can you really blame The Whites for being confused about whether your naps are your own? Kelly wasn't trying to embarrass you Bookika - she was just keepin' things authentic!

Thank you Whites!

As a card carrying owner of Team Busted Combs, I haven't ever had the pleasure of being petted. If I were, however, I like to think I wouldn't consider it so much a moment of cultural dissonance as a fiscal opportunity.

Because you will NAUGHT lovingly caress my naps for free!

Anyways, I'd like to take a moment to thank CNN for it's continued efforts at telling the story of the Children of the Sun. Whether it's informing us that natural hair has indeed come into style (Who knew?!) or confirming that black women remain the most unattractive option for marriage (Phew, I was worried our status might be threatened given the Mexican influx...) CNN remains on top of negro news. Thanks for lettin' us know CNN!

PS: Click the video and have your soul rocked by the Dark and Lovely glory of that Shalamar-era whoop-de-swoop in Honey Glazed Gold - MY SOULLLLLLL!!!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Monday (booty bounce) Fuggery: Can someone please tap New Orleans on the Shoulder?

Scion A/V Presents: Big Freedia - Excuse from Scion A/V on Vimeo.

Lawd black people ain't got nothin' but Jaysus...

There are those among us who would have you believe that New Orleans and yay, the entire 18th century sugar plantation state known as Louisiana is not full of nuclear level fuggery unfolding faster than you can say newborn with gold fronts and a tattoo.

There are those of us who will remain unnamed - and by that I mean Autumn! - who would try to convince us that the specter of booty poppin' shenanigans no longer hangs over the Crescent City, that indeed, only respectable negroes of an advanced "I Shop At Target, NOT Walmart" calibur live therein.

Those people - and I do mean you, Autumn! - are full of lies, sweet tea and beignets!

Stare into the black hole of fuggery that is Big Freesia and her booty bounce of despair. Does this NOT look recent? I entreat you to click and click often. Don't look away. This is the state of Louisiana. These folks need care packages and prayer.

I know in my heart my dear unnamed friend (Autumn!) is somewhere poppin' her glutes to this and getting misty eyed. It may be too late for her, but I'm gonna send up some prayers anyway (I stay prayed up, btw)

I would like to add this: If Louisiana continues to export this flim flammery to the remainder of the nation, we'll be forced to expel them. You see what happened to Mississippi.

Make your choices Louisiana!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Today in YouTube Fuggery: Pelvic rolls for Jaysus!!!

How yummy are those vocals??? Patti, Mariah, Alecia, et. al: Have several rows of seats! Ratchet, Ga. is hummin' comin' at cha!

We'll temporarily set aside all questions about this manboy's neutral gender (because I'm certainly gettin' 1997-era TraxxGirls tea all over this...) AND overlook the apparent mystery of whose daughter is pelvic rotating for Jaysus all up and thru this piece...

ANNND ignore questions of when somebody, anybody, will step in to prevent the further YouTube abuse of drop clothes...
ANNNNND hold off all queries about whether boo rockin' the sideways peacock spray pony (I see you Richmond!) is actually paid to watch this child....

And instead move on to the more pressing question: