Faithful fuggery: Jaysus is like soup and thangs...

Worshipper: "Jesus is like Campbell soup - he's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD" (DEAD)

Jaysus has delivered The Blacks through 400 years of slavery. That part on the side of Nelson Mandela's head. And several seasons of Lester's teeth on 227. Yet this, THIS, is how you thank him? THIS is how we're bringing in the new year???

Exasperated sigh with Charlie Brown frustration eyes.

Though I too have felt the need to hit a mean halleleujah shoulder hunch after a particularly delectable bowl of chicken soup with Spongebob-shaped noodles, I've managed to keep my jubilance contained.

Not this heavenly soldier!

The worst part is not her reference to "carrot soup" - something I think Bugs Bunny tried to cook on a cartoon at some point ...

It's not the inherent mystery presented by her jiggling marsupial pouch threatening to steal the show ...

Nor is it the ivory glory of those lips, so chicly powdered with the finest in Entemann's donuts...

No. THE WORST PART is that I'm not entirely sure what she's communicating - is she trying to say De Lawd is good? I mean, I can't make heads or tails of it. She needs to be more direct, maybe try repeating herself and adding some of that sing songy preaching The Blacks like to do. Praise dancers might also help...

Campbell's soup has been notified. A spokesperson failed to see the humor in any of this.

Oh and this guy was pissed off too, but you know he's ALWAYS feelin' some type of way...

Arresting officers: YouTube is NOT a circumcision guide...

Black woman arrested following YouTube tutorial botched circumcision attempt (CTRL-ALT-DEL life...)

You mad? Yeah, YOU MAD!


If you've been paying attention to life then you know that behind Wikipedia, YouTube tutorials are THEE go-to reference for getting all of your important life lessons - you know, how to recreate a Beyonce Video Phone lip or learn how to drive a car or deliver a baby.

Hell, I was scheduled to use YouTube to perform an emergency vocal chord removal on Rihanna just last week, before I fug around and dropped my best butter knife behind the stove! (THIS LIFE!!!!)

Well word on the skreet is that you apparently want to go ahead and pass on the circumcision YouTube-torials. Mmmhmm - something about man-meat not being amenable to being snipped with safety scissors and a dab of Icy Hot (to dull the pain). Who knew!

From The Grio via AP:

THN Likely To Close After Rapture (PS: You're Not Invited To Heaven...)

That great getting up morning has finally come! So the world is ending tomorrow.

Eyyyyeahhhh GlORY!

That shat really sneaked up on a sister mane! The movies told me I had at least until 2012. I had so many more tilted wigs to snatch – so many more batches to slap. I’d only gotten up through 1988! Le sigh.

Eh well. It’s really about damned time the credits rolled on this piece. I mean, all the clues have been there – or did you think JLo and her insistence upon making “music” was NOT a sign of end times? I saw two horsemen run behind her in that last video…

Hell, the emergence of Donald Trump as a political contender was directly referenced in the New Testament! (And there shall arise one of withered peen and flapping jowl and he shall wear a crown of dryer lint…)

You’d better check your Revelations heathen!

Since I’m among the hardest Mahalia Jackson fan-flapping jaysus enthusiasts out there (halle-LEU-jah!) , I have no doubt I shall be getting sucked up in the heavenly vortex and doing the cha cha slide with Marvin Gaye around this time tomorrow – you know, while you’re back here enduring all the pestilence and destruction that your persistent abuse of weave products has brought upon you. (I offered you help heathen, and yet you continued to abuse the wet and wavy….)

I must admit that there are a few things I will miss – mostly to do with food products and the joy that comes from telling someone to go to hell (in due time, in due time…) I w ill also miss my cat, who’s been backslidden for years and will NOT be coming to heaven to be entertained by the Winans and served mojitos made from jaysus’ tears.

But there are plenty of things I won’t miss. Among them:

Flo-Rida’s hairline: Among my very few sins has been the negligence I have shown in not giving the full press coverage to one of the most offensive hairlines to emerge in decades. When that man teamed up with Brandy “Invisi-temples” Norwood, it was like a dream team of hairline shazzamery. I truly won’t miss the many furrough-browed nights I’ve spent struggling to divine the mystery of why this man would allow his hairline to be shaped like the letter W.

The Braxton Sisters: As much as I seem to love talking about these graceful creatures and their broomstick weaves, the fact of the matter is that it’s exhausting! I mean, every time I figure I’ve said all there is to say, BOOM, one of them turns up wearing hot pink lipstick with red lipliner and a pineapple shaped quick weave. My soul is weary. As weary as that sideways Pocahontas braid that one child keeps rockin’…

The entire District of Columbia: You know what our problems are. And you’d better be lucky I’m rolling out on the Glory Express tomorrow morning or it would be you and me whorebitch! I’ve got my Vaseline on my cheeks, my rings on my finger and the tiger in my eyes!

Coons: I was speaking to a friend yesterday about why coons continue to populate the earth. It’s like they come from a factory with the world's highest output and no plans on recalls. There’s no way to get rid of them – you shoot coons with a silver bullet, two more spring up. I had just shared with her my idea to rid the world of coons – a gun that shoots jobs instead of bullets… - when I got the telegram that plan “get thee fug out” was indeed going down tomorrow. A great idea that won’t come to fruition. At least I won’t have to deal with coons anymore – that I won’t miss.

Alright well I have packing to do. I hear they will provide me with a svelte robe and golden cord with which to tie it - it's couture, get you a piece slut! – but I’m going to try and sneak my judgey pants in anyway.


Eyeeeeeah glory!

Of Faith and Fuggery: Black Florida Politician says Slavery Was A Blessing

Billy Blanks, this is NOT how you come out of the closet.


If a picture is truly worth a thousand words, scream “Magenta!” about 80 dozen times and you’ll have this portrait about summed up. I could go further in on her day glo, all booberry-erythang blush/lip game, but fuck it. I see your Fashion Fair spokesmodel halo boo!

In case you were wondering – and if you have a normal functioning sex drive, you DEFINITELY were - this splendiferous sampling of southern ladyhood is Kimberly Daniels - a Florida minister, self-acclaimed “demon buster” and if I don’t miss my guess, vagina enthusiast *pearl clutch* who is currently running for city council in Jacksonville, Fla.

So you’re thinking, OK THN – other than favoring Billy Blanks with a six-piece Remy “Oprah” weave and Marge Simpson’s suit from that one episode where she changed clothes, what is this woman’s claim to fuggery fame?

THIS!

From The Huffington Post:

Perhaps, the most shocking quote from Daniels, who is African American, came when she portrayed slavery as a heavenly gift.
“I thank God for slavery," preached Daniels, in a sermon that was captured on video. "If it wasn't for slavery, I might be somewhere in Africa worshiping a tree."

Now see, that’s where you’re wrong. You would be a kang in Africa! Doesn’t she see how well they treated Muhammed Ali – a man with whom she shares exact physical dimensions? She could pass herself off as his seed and score a double-wide hut with central fanning and wall-to-wall mud floors faster than you can say chiseled jawline. Shit, she looks just Henry Cele, the actor from the old Shaka Zulu movie. You’d better get on over there and claim your 50 virgin wives girl!

Apparently this isn’t her first fuggery foray:

"I do not buy candy during the Halloween season," Daniels told Charisma magazine on October 27, 2009. "Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door-to-door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons can't tell the difference."

Well now on this, I must agree: Curses DEFINITELY travel through Tootsie Rolls. I’ve spent one too many nights undergoing intense Quilted Northern therapy to dispute that much!

It would seem the voters have had some demonic Butterfinger run ins too: HuffPo reports that on March 17th she received 43-percent of the vote and forced a May 17th run off with Republican David Taylor.

If that don’t be all.

Well, the good news is that, given Florida’s longstanding status as a top producer of fuckery, her election could do nothing to worsen the state’s sitcheeation.

ASHAY!

The bad news: If they don’t at least get this firewood choppin’ batch to cast off the demon of ProBuild 3000 – with which she is so CLEARLY waging a losing battle - a ‘roid rage incident is bound to occur in the council chambers.

And if her Marine-sized guns are any indication, domes will get cracked, chairs flipped and the overall environment will go Vibe Awards REAL quick.

She Hulk game proper!



You see it.