Video Inside: Love and Hip Hop Preview (It's raining fugnuggets and honey...)

Jim. Jones. Mama.

Now that I have your attention, ready yourself as you may - though nothing in this lifetime could prepare you for the glorious dewdrops of fugnuggets preparing to burst forth unto your screen.

Imbibe:

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Is it me or does Jim Jones' mom sound like an old pipe organ? She speaks=me turning to page 147 of my hymnal and singing Standing On the Promises.


Study Notes:

10) Is there anyone, ANYONE, who believes that Miss Chi-Cheekela La Boom, or "Kimbella" as she's currently known on Spring Street, is an XX? Girl hush. Night night, keep your tucks tight!

Video: X Factor's Prince doppelganger is coming to a TV near you! (And he's bringing his nuthuggers and his fiercest wrap...)

X Factor's Siameze Floyd Shopping Reality Show (Scroll down for preview of life...)

If you’re unfamiliar with the shimmering sex vornado of kitten heels, man cleavage and Lotta Body Wrap Spray that is Siameze Floyd (copyright 2011) consider your life empty indeed.

In case you missed it, gather your emotions, squeeze your legs together and prepare as the DJ brangs it back:



This burgeoning intersex icon took the world by storm on X Factor a few weeks back, simulatenously challenging batches everywhere to step up their unicorn/horsey kick game, while representing the Little People, Big World: Talent Division’s global debut (child hush, you were wondering about the proportions on that head too.)

What you didn’t know: Siameze Floyd was apparently raised by a harem of Rick James’ old backup hoes and is descendant from a line of “men” (shifty eyes) whose hair is laid like a canister of refrigerated leftover relaxer (you’ve done it bitch, don’t lie) and whose sexuality is more ambiguous than Nivea’s career.

Now that’s DEEP.

Oh, and did I mention that this polyamorous family which clearly shares hair products across gender lines is also hoping to share its story with the world via a reality tv show?? Feast your eyes on the preview prize and click it for Jaysus:




YES. GAWD. THAT is what’s for dinner! Can you even BEGIN to imagine the type of capoeira-style hand to hand combat that erupts when the Pink Oil Moisturizer sheen spray supply dips low in that household???!!! Chile bye - I bet that's how the other three wives died...


I for one say the time is absolutely right for this show - this is a civil rights issue dear readers!

For too long Prince as been forced to carry the load of being a spokesperson for the intersex community on his petite shoulders alone. He’s had some notable help in more recent years:

()


Not to mention a couple of older gwerls:




Yet the community has remained largely underground, reliant on the occasional awards show or backup singer appearances (I see you Norwood...) to affirm their existence. And we won’t even begin to get into the trials these delicate rosebuds have suffered trying to obtain extra schmedium nuthugger jeans with adequate elasticity - another time, another place.

The production of this show would truly be a victory for the community. If you love me dear readers, call, text, email and provide sexual favors to anyone at VH1 to ensure that this spectacle of niggatry makes it to the tube.

If you won't do it for me


Do it for Mother Nick.


Ashe.

Coon Tunes: 300 lb. Man vs. Beyonce Run The World Choreography (chile stop playing and come watch this video!)

300 lbs + Beyonce Run The World video choreography = Damn life.

This is the type of shat that happens when you don't have a prayin' grandmother.

I blame Beyonce for every last bit of this.

Oh, and malfunctioning Gold N Hot flat irons - because that withered bob has my uterus in FULL TILT.

I was just in the midst of being completely unproductive when The Twitter informed me that a ratchet queen was somewhere in Birmingham shaking and jiggling it for jaysus to Beyonce's Run The World.

Against my better judgment, I clicked and was instantly taken to the bridge by the sensuous body rolls of the one I will henceforth refer to as Creole Jumbo.

After I broke free from the instant hypnosis triggered by his undulating manbreasts (Rick Ross, you have been dethroned boo. You might as well put a tube top on and pay it.) I was able to really get into what was happening, in particular, the unsolved mystery of those giblets jangling in Ms. Jumbo's ladypurse region.

We won't get into why this was filmed at Guantanamo. I haven't the time nor the investigative resources.

Body rolls at 2:53. Frantic riverdance stomping at 3:09. Death of 5,000 in 57.0 magnitude earth quake anticipated in 10 minutes.

This can't be life.

Midget Stripper to Star in Rapper Plies Reality TV Series (With Video, of course...)

My mind's telling me no...


Pole dancers take heed - the revolution's a comin' and it has legs shaped like the letter C!

Don't expect me to shade Bushwick Bill's fraternal twin sister for being two apples tall dear readers - not when THN is but an inch taller than Kid from Kid-n-Play's high top fade at it's most elevated!

But I will definitely offer some awning-style extended shade to Plies for being the cultivator, purveyor and fuckery maestro responsible for bringing us this - and doubtless other assorted negro hijinks - through his highly (snort laugh) anticipated reality TV show "The Real Goonette."

I thought Foxy Brown had copyrighted that title???

According to Plies (whose 1998 curly collared polo shirts have set my eyelashes aflutter...) the term applies to "female hustlers" who are getting it "hard in the paint" (!) with style and grace.

And by style and grace, he means with a dollar on their forehead and buttcheek turned up to heaven!

And that's about where Lil V and her jumbo junk badunk comes in. Press play to see (t)highlights from her hot and heavy evenings at Club Toot It and Boot It making it jiggle for school supplies and explaining how she found it hard to obtain mainstream work while living with achondroplasia dwarfism. Her grown up ass on a toddler body steez has landed her gigs in several music videos - so a reality TV series was sure to follow. All I can say is girl preach - stripper jobs beat customer service anyday!


(WARNING: Not safe for life.)

Florida why do I see your fingerprints ALL OVER THIS?????


I can't knock chocolate mini mama's hustle - don't pretend like I'm the only one who's noticed these "Little People, Big World" types tend to have the double wide, extended cab booty game on permanent lock. Why not turn that econo-sized seatwarmer into a piggy bank???

As for her legs being on permanent cowboy stance? Well you can't have everythang! Hell if you know anything about dwarfism you know the leg sitch is part and parcel with the condish - or didn't you wonder why I always look like I'm squattin...

Quietly (and don't ask how I know this) I think Bridget the Midget has all but tapped the lucrative midget sex toy field. But if Lil V is determined, all I can say is swang one of those parentheses lookin' jawns up on that pole and get it how you live boo!

PS: I generally don't listen to Plies and will hold off on getting into why he has a reality TV series in another installation. I'll be needing a double dose of Benadryl and a shot of praise jaysus to sleep tonight as it is...

Of Faith and Fuggery: Black Florida Politician says Slavery Was A Blessing

Billy Blanks, this is NOT how you come out of the closet.


If a picture is truly worth a thousand words, scream “Magenta!” about 80 dozen times and you’ll have this portrait about summed up. I could go further in on her day glo, all booberry-erythang blush/lip game, but fuck it. I see your Fashion Fair spokesmodel halo boo!

In case you were wondering – and if you have a normal functioning sex drive, you DEFINITELY were - this splendiferous sampling of southern ladyhood is Kimberly Daniels - a Florida minister, self-acclaimed “demon buster” and if I don’t miss my guess, vagina enthusiast *pearl clutch* who is currently running for city council in Jacksonville, Fla.

So you’re thinking, OK THN – other than favoring Billy Blanks with a six-piece Remy “Oprah” weave and Marge Simpson’s suit from that one episode where she changed clothes, what is this woman’s claim to fuggery fame?

THIS!

From The Huffington Post:

Perhaps, the most shocking quote from Daniels, who is African American, came when she portrayed slavery as a heavenly gift.
“I thank God for slavery," preached Daniels, in a sermon that was captured on video. "If it wasn't for slavery, I might be somewhere in Africa worshiping a tree."

Now see, that’s where you’re wrong. You would be a kang in Africa! Doesn’t she see how well they treated Muhammed Ali – a man with whom she shares exact physical dimensions? She could pass herself off as his seed and score a double-wide hut with central fanning and wall-to-wall mud floors faster than you can say chiseled jawline. Shit, she looks just Henry Cele, the actor from the old Shaka Zulu movie. You’d better get on over there and claim your 50 virgin wives girl!

Apparently this isn’t her first fuggery foray:

"I do not buy candy during the Halloween season," Daniels told Charisma magazine on October 27, 2009. "Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door-to-door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons can't tell the difference."

Well now on this, I must agree: Curses DEFINITELY travel through Tootsie Rolls. I’ve spent one too many nights undergoing intense Quilted Northern therapy to dispute that much!

It would seem the voters have had some demonic Butterfinger run ins too: HuffPo reports that on March 17th she received 43-percent of the vote and forced a May 17th run off with Republican David Taylor.

If that don’t be all.

Well, the good news is that, given Florida’s longstanding status as a top producer of fuckery, her election could do nothing to worsen the state’s sitcheeation.

ASHAY!

The bad news: If they don’t at least get this firewood choppin’ batch to cast off the demon of ProBuild 3000 – with which she is so CLEARLY waging a losing battle - a ‘roid rage incident is bound to occur in the council chambers.

And if her Marine-sized guns are any indication, domes will get cracked, chairs flipped and the overall environment will go Vibe Awards REAL quick.

She Hulk game proper!



You see it.

Of ashy strippers and Miami Vice suits: I'm calling for a prayer circle 'round Chris Brown

Christ be a heavy blanket, a Xanax and a pistol. This 2012 end of the world shat is REAL. If you had ANY doubt:


What in $1.95 stripper hell? In the words of Riley Freeman: HELP US OBAAMAAAAAAA!!!!!!



Well I don't know about you, but I feel urged to slather shea butter all over my screen in a hopeless effort to moisturize that severely parched knee.

This young brother is truly truly troubled. I mean, his money can't buy better than that weave and those Rainbow boots? We need to just lift him up and annoint him. We'll leave Shontquashia's obvious spiritual needs for another day, but that tub of industrial strength shea butter will definitely be involved, as will the efforts of our Weave Ministry.

I'm just gonna go ahead let the one brother's face just say it all on this one. And from where I stand, his face is saying something about shame, ancestors, grandma nana, Dr. Martin Luther The Kang, debit cards and canola oil.

Gotdamn. I need to go lay down.

Waka Flaka Flame Press Conference (niggatry confirmed...)

I will encourage you to skip ahead to minute four where she explains that the bus was not "shooten."



The verbage to address this hot mess of a "press conference" escapes me at this moment.

So I will resort to a picture to express my emotions.




I miss the days when people's bangee moms would pop out the baby, get the check and do the slow fade into the background. PS: How are you refering to the child you birthed by his rap name? Even Thugnificent mama called him Otis Jenkins.

Tyler Perry's latest missive against the Negreaux AKA More Madea!

And this is why we as a people can't get ahead.



At some point, the estate of Weezy Jefferson is gonna want some guap for the repeated and unauthorized use of her figure for this character. Real talk.

Now, having met Mr. Perry, far be it from me to imply that the man is gay. Sure he spends a LOT of time in dresses. Don't we all? Sure, he seems to enjoy donning fake breasts with some level of frequency. Don't we all?

His transgression is not being a closeted rainbow tribal priest (closeted used lightly...) No, his transgression is being a purveyor of monkey antics.

But hell, with the Wayans brothers out of commission, somebody's gotta do it.

Will you see another Madea film? I mean, I'm there no doubt. But I'm just askin what YOUR plans are!

*harlem shakin' That's why there's Madea! That's why there's Madeaaaaa!*

Fashion police moving violation #236: And I have no words for this

Stop. Pause. Quit.

Whatever you were doing can wait. Now is the time for you to bow down and acknowledge the majesty that is Nikki Minaj in her triple decker, Spanx approved high waisters (Form. Fit. Fuckery) with the Lingerie by Rainbow Honeymoon Delights bra. (Side note: I feel so bad for any tittay that ever has to wriggle into one of those awful ass Rainbow bras - you know, the ones that hang so pitifully near the "If you like Cool Water, you'll love Lukewarm Punch" display. I'm 90 percent certain they all smell like wet cardboard)


If this wasn't before 1993, everybody involved is going straight to hell, and I mean on a bullet train, TODAY.

I'm not blind dear readers. I see that "other" entity in the picture. However, my retina pigmentosa - not to mention my latent aneurysm - are both bound to be activated by any attempts to explain that loveseat ass and those Carnival Cruise pants.

See there, now my ears are ringing. I told you I couldn't talk about this shit today.

A storybook romance: Shaq meet Hoops! (ointment please...)

From Necole Bitchie

I'm gonna give you a few moments to compose yourself.

Then I'll just hop out on a limb and say you have to be one rattlesnake of a nasty hoe to consider having sex with Shaquille O'Neal as a full-time or even part time, or even semi-quarterly vocation. I mean, the man's femur is the size of your spine. He has boogers the size of crepes. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, but suffice it to say, if you value your womb and fallopian situation - and perhaps even your kidney scenario - this is NOT a good look.

Then again, Hoopz is probably time enough for him in the bulky uterus department.


Let me tell it, this "woman" gives far to much Arab man tea for me to accept her XX status. But that's neither here nor there. I'd like to go ahead and give a shout out to Flavor Flav for transforming her into the world-renowned celebrity she has become. I know her career will amount to more than pogo stick rides soon. I feels it in my bones. Now if only she can stop lookin' like Mumrah...

Though I can hear you sniffling into your grammy's handkerchief behind that photo alone (the knuckles will set. you. FREE.) I'm gonna have to ask that you take just one more step into the light and review their "meeting" as told to The Boston Globe, which is clearly hanging on by a thread more slender than Teyanna Taylor's odds at a non porn-related career lately:

Hoopz, 28 (STOP) met the 38 year old Diesel (who is almost 2 feet taller than her) numerous times while on the scene ("on the scene" Girl I guess). It wasn’t until she was visiting a photographer friend in St. Louis that she saw an autographed poster of Shaq on his wall. She mentioned to her friend that she had met him a few times and that friend texted Shaq and told him Hoopz said “Hi” (Translation: Hoopz said remember Cancun?). Shaq immediately texted back and asked him if she had a boyfriend and the friendship began from there.

I for one am always impressed by tales of oral sex turned storybook romance. It continues:

Their first date was in Las Vegas (the two were in town for two separate events) and they immediately hit it off. “I knew he was a goofball. We’re the same. We’re both goofballs.’’ He then visited her home turf of Tennessee (where she had moved with her last boyfriend before they split) and the two went fishing, visited the Waffle House and she made him listen to her favorite musicians like Brad Paisley and Taylor Swift.

Is it me or does this ho keep a suitcase packed by the door? Girl don't hate - you better be ready to make that move to Albuquerque if the money's right.

It was a culture shock for Shaq but it ended well and solidified his relationship with Hoopz who made turkey for his mom and three kids on Thanksgiving and ran around Boston with Shaq dressed as a pimp on Halloween. Shaq describes Hoopz as his “first male best friend besides my mother”.

First male best friend, besides my mother? *tosses University of Maryland degree into flames* clearly I didn't go to the right school because that made zero sense to me. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you will NOT drag the name of Waffle House into this.

Jaysus told me from the other side that this tragedy will be taken up on judgment day. For now, I just want Shaq to hit those harsh lookin' knuckles with a double shot of shea butter, so my heart can go on.

Foxy Brown diss album moved up! I know I'll be in line!

(HIPHOPDX)

Please add that dress to our sick and shut in list.

Hot off the presses:

With the song still unheard, AllHipHop.com has learned that Foxy Brown is expected to release her Lil' Kim diss on another holiday - New Year's Day. The song is said to be called "U Ain't Ruff Enough," and features Lower East Side, New York emcee Rekage.

I don't know that there's anything else that needs to be said on that note.

I know what you're saying - I mean, after you recomposed yourself upon learning that Santa DOES exist after all, and readying a spot in your prized cassette tape tower for the Foxy Brown single you'll be coppin' from Waxie Maxie's tomorrow (I mean, hell, let's go ALL the way back in time...). You're thinking: THN never lets up on the Foxy Hound. Well you know what? You're right.

You may be a shiftless sofa jockey who wants nothing more than a pineapple soda and paternity results from Maury, but I am a serious journalist who is documenting one of the most important stories of our time - the loss of our historic hip hop scalawags.

Where's my Pulitzer?

A Curious Case of the Cottles - Tameka that is... (TI is the KANG!!!!)

In case you all haven't noticed, it's been quiet 'round these parts this week. Mmmmhmmm, slower than Soldier Boy's record sales. Nobody really cuttin' the fool or actin' the monkey at all this week, though I'm sure T-Payne is somewhere cooking something coontastic up, likely involving a top hat and a Sambo figurine.

Anywho, with nothing else to present, I shall simply direct your fixed gaze to the love below. Behold Beauty! Don't take it all in at once!





Now put THAT in your Summer's Eve applicator!