Monday, October 24, 2011

Video Inside: Love and Hip Hop Preview (It's raining fugnuggets and honey...)

Jim. Jones. Mama.


Now that I have your attention, ready yourself as you may - though nothing in this lifetime could prepare you for the glorious dewdrops of fugnuggets preparing to burst forth unto your screen.

Imbibe:



Is it me or does Jim Jones' mom sound like an old pipe organ? She speaks=me turning to page 147 of my hymnal and singing Standing On the Promises.


Study Notes:

10) Is there anyone, ANYONE, who believes that Miss Chi-Cheekela La Boom, or "Kimbella" as she's currently known on Spring Street, is an XX? Girl hush. Night night, keep your tucks tight!





9) Whose wig was miss boo swinging on that floor? You know, after Chrissy sucker punched her and they were on the floor kicking and screaming for filth, like they both reached for the last pack of Van De Kamps fish sticks? She was clutchin one of Aunt Esther's old runnin' to Publix wigs and I wanna know whose it was...or is Vh1 doing stunts and just tossing wigs in the mix for kicks? I can't lie - I've been known to throw an old piece of carpet in the mix and yell "she got her hair!" just to see what happens. Judge me batch!

8) How many times is Chrissy gonna threaten to leave Jim Jones? They're like the black Honeymooners, with his apostrophe lookin' nose. Mira - you ain't gonna do no better than Jim. You're shaped like a Maytag and your hairline makes me uncomfortable. If Chrissy leaves Jim Jones, she'll be eatin' cereal out of a bag faster than you can say drawstring pony. She'd better stay with Pigpen - he may not be much and soap might cause him to morph into a gorgon, but at least he keeps General Mills on the shelf!

7) When will someone notify these broads that past a D, breast implants stop having a sexy effect and start lending themselves to an NFL effect? I mean, I feel like these bitches are going to blitz me at any given moment. I'mma start calling them The Force. I don't know about any career aspirations, but I got them broads rackin' up four or five Superbowl rangs before it's all over...

6) Speaking of Cheekela La Boom, when did Original Recipe become a desirable skin tone? I feel called to turn this batch over and begin highlighting a document.

5) Maurice gettin' shaded on the runway = my death

4) I see you Jim Jones and Olivia givin' us that raw uncut emotion! I can't speak for PigPen, but Olivia is headed for big thangs on Telemundo ...

3) When will bitches stop going after the hair? When it comes to brawlin', the hell with hair grabbin'. Listen, let that broad grab your hair and try to keep you down - and while you're down there, you need to be taggin that midsection UP! She got your head down right in perfect position! Now from the looks of the Truck Turner thoraxes on some of these bitches, you might need to plan on those Mike Tyson punches, but you get the message regardless!

2) The wardrobe=The Price Ain't Right.

1) Can we please take a moment to discuss Jim Jones' moms' WHOLE ENTIRE EVERYTHANG???

Where is her Cover Girl contract???

At least with Frankie we got an explanation. With Mother Lead Windpipes of Divine Snow, we've gone through a couple of seasons and STILL no explanation for why this woman sounds like she has a catalytic converter in her chest.

I'M AN AMERICAN. I deserve answers.

While conducting the intense research I underwent for this blog post *ocean of side eyes* I discovered that many of you all seem to think it might be a good idea to get her and Frankie together. That's where you're wrong - they'd doubtless tear the entire room apart trying to prove who's the dominant spider monkey queen at best, and open a portal to a new dimension of global fuggery at worst.

And how will YOU explain that to your children?? It's gonna be hard enough explaining this show in The Upper Room...

PS:


gremlin, female gremlin, sexy gremlin
I know you see it.

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