Thursday, November 25, 2010

Daily Kee Kee

How did I miss Nicki Minaj comin' in for Lil Kim directly? With regards to Ms. Hardcore herself:

Every time you’re in the news, you are getting at somebody. Put your music out and when I see your name on Billboard that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that. Goodbye!”


More at Necole Bitchie

Stop. Drop. AND ROLL. LMAO LMAO

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

And now, this ... racial double take of the day



Just when you thought the Washington City Paper had it together. Just when you're settling in with a warm cup of cocoa and your slippers are tickling the soles of your weary feet just so and your beloved hound looks at you wistfully from in front of the crackling fire and you slip on your reading glasses to peruse an article on beloved Washington Post black commentator Courtland Milloy. That's when you see THIS boondoggle:


Milloy listens raptly, wrinkles deepening. A handsome, straight-featured black man, he shows no hint of writerly condescension as he works a room full of all those ordinary citizens that media strategists are so perpetually keen on reaching.


Who put what on the why now?? What does "straight-featured" mean WCP??? What. Does. It. Mean? Straight-featured as in he has the presumed features of a "straight" man? Like he wears a lot of Brut and likes to mow the lawn?

Because I just KNOW we're not implying wonderment at the fact that this man doesn't have a bell pepper nose and hair reminiscent of desert underbrush!

WCP - FAIL!!!!!!

2 Hostile Negress tickets and a copious serving of week old chitterlings.

The Great Debate aka you just GOT to be right?!?!

Raises her saber to the sky and with a thunderous crash of cacaphony declares: Dammmned if I’m about to get into a debate with your ass todayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

So I’m hoping that the person who has triggered this post never sees this. And if she does, bless her heart, I’ll buy her a rhutabaga pie to make up for it all. She's really a sweet, smart girl. But on this November afternoon, I’m about to let it fly and she started it. The topic: information debaters.

These people really wrinkle The Hostile Negress’s ample nose.

I’m sure my reader(s) have encountered someone of this ilk once before. This is the friend who is contrarian. Not “’70s superfly jacket with chuck tailors and ballgown because you won’t stop me” contrarian. Not “oh, hair is a woman’s glory, eh? I’m cuttin ALL OF THIS OFF TODAY!” contrarian. No, those are the quaint contrarian idiosyncrocies of yours truly, which are almost certain to result in some type of hippie/revolutionary lifestyle before it’s all said and done. And yes, the hair probably will go in some type of dramatic in your face showdown as well.

No, I’m talking about someone who is always there to challenge the information you’ve just provided. Doesn’t matter if the information is there in black and white. Doesn't matter if you just watched the incident under debate take place. They’re there to yell CHALLLLLLLLEEEEENGE with regards to your statement of the facts.

Example: The Hostile Negress, in her effort to remember why she thought Florida would be a good place to call home, decides to take a caravan of sorts to a certain out of control city where it’s always about 4000 degrees and apparently, the laws and language of North America are completely unapplicable.

HN: Yeah I’m on my way down there, looking forward to it.
Great Debater: How long is it going to take?
HN: About two hours.
Great Debater: Really? Because I think that’s a four-hour drive.
(Insert that this drive is being made from an area just south of Orlando to said city, Miami)
HN: Looking directly at highway sign. Well it’s only 180 miles.
Great Debater: Well I’ve done a lot of long distance driving and I remember that being about four hours, but ok.

Girl boo bye stop drop and die. What. Are. You. Talking about???? In what universe is 180 miles a four-hour journey? Even Gilligan got there in less time! This is the type of thing that just gets under my pelt - I mean you're just being ridic right now, seriously.

Incident No. 2 – upon my announcement of a long awaited trip to the birthplace of all negroes, Maryland.

HN: So yeah, I’m going back up to Maryland this weekend. Really looking forward to it!
Great Debater: Oh cool bring me back a snowball.
HN: Um, girl it’s not snowing there.
Great Debater: Really? Because my friend lives there and she said she got snow.

Now, at this point I should outpoint that while The Hostile Negress has been a mainstay in the South for the past few years (something I will rectify relatively soon) I was born* and raised in Maryland. I got some years under my belt in the Old Line state son. I KNOW what Maryland weather does and doesn’t do. And what it doesn’t do is snow at all, and certainly not to a point of having massive snowball fights, in mid November. Stop the madness.

How did this convo end? Girl it didn’t – I’m still getting texts about it as we speak. I'm just going to concede and tell her I'm packing a snowsuit and checking to make sure TSA will let me bring a carrot and two coal eyes for my snowman.

Another entry with no point other than to illuminate the side eye that has become my life lately.

Good. Day.


*The Hostile Negress was technically born at Alexandria Hospital, in (deep shudder) Virginia. But she’ll cut you QUICK if you ever bring up the V-word.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today in irrelevance


Rapper DMX arrested again on parole violation

Embattled rapper DMX is in trouble with the law again - the hip-hop star was arrested in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday on suspicion of parole violation.

The rap star - real name Earl Simmons - has served two stints in prison this year and most recently walked free in August after serving 18 days of a 90-day sentence in connection with a reckless driving conviction from 2002.
More here.


In other news: Remind me, when did this man last make music? Have I fallen back into some sort of 1996 vortex? *patting head, rubbing legs* No, I don't have a weave and I'm not wearing one of those SWV-style Adidas skirt sets. So I do indeed think we remain in 2010.

WHY IS THIS MAN STILL RELEVANT??????

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Free Nino!!!!

We're not going to talk about why you're not looking at a Florida Classic blog right now. Because it would just be impolite for you to press me out about that, and I just KNOW my faithful readers (muffled laugh) wouldn't want to make me lose my composure :)

Moving on. Today in coonery: Wesley Snipes is jail bound.




For those of us unfamiliar (and what's the rent like under that rock?) the Vampire in Brooklyn himself has been sentenced to three years in prison after an ongoing battle over tax evasion or some such.

Now, far be it from the Hostile Negress to kee kee as Captain Darkness prepares to enter the tossed salad camp, even if he DID say he'd rather date himself in drag than than waste his delicate good looks on the coonettes of the world. After all, midnight marauders need love too and deep down, the blackettes know they're having no parts of Mr. Snipes. Why be upset if the feeling is mutual? White women for everybody! I digress. While I won't mock the man who regularly showed up for breathless attorney meetings at my old Atlanta office, I WILL take a moment to offer a severe, third degree squinch eye to the myriad of black male celebs who recently decided on jail as the next logical career step.

Wayne, T.I. I'm looking directly at you. Gucci, I would be looking at you, but I don't have the stomach for that this evening.

Newsflash: Nobody needs you to prove your street cred. We all know you sleep on stacks of money and aren't out on the cold streets of anywhere hustling. You've got people for that!

So why don't you have people around to take the fall for your criminal "misunderstandings"? I definitely have someone to hold my cocaina AND my pills, no shade. I can't be gettin' yanked up - I have albums to drop!

The greater questions:

a) Is there an age when this gets old? Because I'm thinking Snipes has possibly passed that age. And Wayne too, no shade (I know 30s when I see 30s...)

and

b) Tax evasion? Is that really what's taking Nino Brown down? The old man with the shaky gun was much more entertaining. Can we at least get a shoot out? Ok, ok, I'll settle for Christopher Williams singing "Don't wake me, I'm dreaminnnn!"

For his sake, I hope Snipes recalls a little bit of that jiu jitsu from his Blockbuster hits. Donning one of T.I.'s Cosby sweaters and some erudite personality glasses is advised; he's also still got time to rescue a would-be jumper!


"Nino Brown, your presence is required in hell" game proper!!!!


(*lest we forget, Lil Wayne actually has used the Nino Brown moniker for a series of direct to street films. Black progress in action people!)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Old school why?

Let me first start out with this random: The Jules/Smokey Robinson connection is undeniable. We're on to you Solange. It is what it is.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

One of the biggest hangups The Hostile Negress has had in starting her rant log has hisotrically been, well, how to start. Should the initial posting be witty and informative, luring readers in only to spring the hostility forth like a cobra pouncing from beneath a basket? Should it be a short intro into my world of sour looks and sideways comments? I haven't answered these questions and don't plan to. The effort, frankly, makes my nostrils flare and has delayed the earnest start of this shout fest for at least six months. Instead, I'm just gonna jump right out the window on this one and just go in on whatever strikes my fancy. Today children, that is a very serious cultural question involving the relevance of Chubb Rock.

These are the topics that keep great minds up at night.

Having been recently excommunicated to the Island of Yesternegro, also known as Florida (more on that never), I almost immediately began searching for ways to curb my sudden desire to hum negro spirituals whilst shucking corn. That's when I learned of a little something called the Florida Classic. A Battle of the Bands. Bethune Cookman involved. Rick Ross somehow in the swirl. (Patience grasshopper, at least two blogs on the attendant coonery are forthcoming this weekend.) What more could one ask for? I'll tell you what more - an after party headlined by Kid n Play (blank stare), Monie Love, Black Sheep and Chubb Rock. This will be popping off in Central Florida this weekend.

Being equal in my hostility, I will express general disturbance at all of these 40 somethings getting on stage to do something that will invariably sadden me for a spread of Original Recipe and a chance at regaining the glamorest life (side eyes on the prize.) But I have to offer a special hell and no to the Chubb Rock inclusion. He had ONE SONG. It was in 1990- he says it right there in the first verse, lest you forget how many presidents have passed since this man held a mic. To put things in perspective, in 1990:

- High top fades were still viable
- Bobby Brown had a career
- Hammer pants were being worn
- Better yet, patent leather shoes with lace ribbons were being worn
- 227 and Amen were on tv (don't do that, you watched then and you watch now!)

Even as I approach my 400th year, I simply still can't align myself with the old school concerts. I have no interest in shaking my shimmy to anything put out before I had a menstrual cycle. And my spirit and the spirits of my ancestors will NOT let me support this Chubb Rock shenanigan. I can't, I won't, you can't make me. Let's join hands and pray about it.

Now pardon me while I rock my hips to something from the Obama years - Gucci!!