Soul 4 Real to Perform at Atlanta Prom; Also scheduled: Several unplanned, over 40 pregnancies...

Were you too busy being high/knocked up/imprisoned/one of Rick James' bottom-rung hoes to attend your prom? I know your pain - I was at Bodrow's Mac and Stack Shack (a combo salon and barbecued ribbery...)getting my stack curls together and damned if I didn't miss my ride to "Midnight Love: Let Me Ride That Donkey C/O 88!"

Oh the pain I have lived with!

Well rejoice dear readers - a new event will fill the void:

Views You Can't Use: Eddie Murphy Is Winning!

THIS:




And there you have it.

American Hoodery Exported: Nigerian Music, "Crank that Naija Boy" Makes The Rounds

Disclaimer:

*No Zamundans were harmed in the filming of these videos!*


You know it has to be serious if I risked my life gnawing through twine and busting out of the the cage in which Chris Brown has held me for the past three weeks (custom constructed from Rihanna’s hair and bones, respectively) to bring you this post.

But this, dear readers, is serious. I am a soldier in the war against ratchetery and I will go down fighting before I allow the forces of banjiness to destroy this beautiful planet!

From weave to shining weave!!!

With that, I bring you this - some type of Africanized Soulja Boy hybrid that features congos, Muslim robes and a heavy dose of Jaysus tears.


Naija Boy up in this hoe ... watch me shake my ass like so.”


You know, YouTube has been a repeat offender and corporal in the Elite Coonery Squadron for at least four years but this ... wait, I hear my cell phone. Hello.

Who is this? It’s who? The ancestors calling from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? What are you saying - wait calm down, calm down stop yelling!! Ok, got it.

Kunta and them said they did NOT endure the Middle Passage for you and Matumbe to be posted up on an ‘88 Honda talm’ ‘bout Zulu-mannin’ that hoe while your cousin breakbacks it to congos in the background!



Shaka is going to fug. you. up.


So for those of you who aren’t aware, apparently Naija is a cutesy term for Nigerian which is a cutesy term for ratchet charlatan who will try to get you to wire them $5,000 to help them secure the future of their kingdom.

Yup, I’m that batch. Bring it on Naija Boyz!

In addition to cooking up some of the most HEELARIOUS direct-to-DVD Nigerian movies you could ever hope to see (don’t act like you haven’t scanned the back cover of “Ajila’s Choice” while gnawing on a goat nugget at the African swap meet...) apparently Naijas also enjoy remaking videos of the American hood variety.

I could go on about the trials and tribulations of Nigerian music, but the power of grayskull won’t let me. So I’ll just post the videos and let you sift through your emotions.

Tissues are in the drawer.

*Warning: These Naija videos include several disturbing images of Motherland hoodery.



Naija Girls (Proof that the horrors of $50 sew ins have indeed hit the Motherland)





I'm not going to sit here and lie to you: I've been fascinated by the banginess of African pop culture for at least a century. More than once The African Channel's soap operas have left me posted up on a couch for hours on end, determined to figure out if Mnuembe really DID get it on with Onyeka after the Naija Boyz concert in Lagos!

If you've got a hankering for more ratchetry, and let's face it, you're ignorant so you definitely do, check out NaijaTube and prepare for uncontrollable weeping and kee kees. In that order.

Ho Burger is a hit in Texas. In other news: "Life" canceled, "Hope" returned to sender

Personally I prefer "Ho Burger" but I understand Amber Rose has copyrighted that name, and given her considerable status as a relentless golddigger and opportunist businesswoman, she would be highly likely to sue.

Is Mya at least making a little money off this? Lil Wayne? Any of the nation's pre-eminent whores?

'Fat Ho Burgers' Opens in Texas: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

From Fox Houston:

WACO, Texas - You can get hot, juicy burgers with crispy tots or fries at a new restaurant in Waco, Texas. But it’s not the food that’s getting the attention at Fat Ho Burgers. That’s right. The restaurant is named after a fat (as in hefty) ho (not the garden tool). .

I mean, really? Where is my vial full of The Blood. I feel an annointing coming on.

"It’s not calling people a ho. It’s just like they say, 'Oooh that ho is big,' or, 'That ho is tight!’” said Lakita Evans, the restaurant’s owner.

The 23-year-old worked her way through college to open her burger joint and said the name is mostly a bit of humor in an otherwise serious world.

Ok, Ok, bet. I mean, Lakita has a point. And more importantly, Lakita has not allowed her outrageously ratchet name circumstance to limit her job opportunities to pole dancing. To that I say, ashe.

Oh wait. She said this too:

"Look what’s going on in Japan. It’s like clear this world is not gonna get any better. Why cry and be depressed? The economy is bad. Somebody gotta keep a sense of humor around here,” Evans said. For now, that means grilled favorites including the Sloppy Ho Brisket or the Supa Dupa Fly Ho with Chz for a lunch crowd that’s spilling out of the front door.

And that's what we're working with nowadays.

I hate black people so much right now. Obama, I thought you were gonna fix this???

PS: Do they have carmelized onions? Because if they do, well then that might change things...

Kidney transplant sisters released from Mississippi jail might be headed back behind Newports, pork rinds (Eff. Life.)

Sooooo, remember those ladies who were like, in jail for 10 million years or something because they stole a pair of draws but it was really because they were black and then they got out and the slaves all sang and the massa bought out a big pineapple upside down cake? This happened like, last month. Well whatevs, them batches is going back to jail!

From CBS:

There's a "complication" in the case of Mississippi ex-convicts sisters Jamie and Gladys Scott, who won their release from life prison terms on the grounds that one sister would give the other a kidney.

What is it? What could it be? Was there a loophole in the legal work? Is some racist judge accusing them of stealing Slim Jims now?

Nah boo. It comes down to Newports.

Jamie Scott said Wednesday that a doctor said she has to lose 100 pounds to receive the transplant. She said would-be donor Gladys must lose 60 pounds and stop smoking.
Barbour hasn't said whether he'll send the sisters back to prison if the transplant doesn't happen.

*In Martin Lawrence voice* Hole up. Hole up. Didn't I march for your ass with the signs and ERYTHANG? So now you basically telling me you have to curb the honeybaked ham sammiches and put the brakes on the Virginia Slims or your asses is going back to the jaily jail? AFter I wore down my loafers???

Looks at sisters:


Looks at honeybaked ham sammich:




They're going to jail



(Note: You KNOW I'm gonna use that punchbowl jawn whenever possible. I. Love. That. Shat.)

Songs in the key of fuggery: Egyptian man names child Facebook

Allah take the whee... you know what. Nevermind. *tosses sand into the air*



Huffington Post


No need to tell me - you didn't pay attention in Dimwali and your GED course didn't include Arab, so you have no idea what this sign says. Here's a clue: He's not asking you to visit his page.

No. He's ruining his child's life. One letter at a time.


From Tech Crunch:

A young man in his twenties wanted to express his gratitude about the victories the youth of 25th of January have achieved and chose to express it in the form of naming his firstborn girl "Facebook" Jamal Ibrahim (his name.) The girl's family, friends, and neighbors in the Ibrahimya region gathered around the new born to express their continuing support for the revolution that started on Facebook. "Facebook" received many gifts from the youth who were overjoyed by her arrival and the new name. A name [Facebook] that shocked the entire world.

And then there was this. I'm in a state of conflict, however, over this item. I mean, technically, Egypt IS in Africa. So under the traditional rules of the game, this DOES count as black folk fuckery. BUUUUUUUUUT, this guy seems Arab to me. And that means that The Browns would have to take ownership of this fine incident.

Either way, I think there's a brown baby somewhere whose first words will be along the lines of "Seriously though?"


The REAL joke is on the daddy: Facebook (pronounced in the vein of Sade and with a long AND short 'O' sound) happens to be the no. 1 name among black female babies born to ratchet mothers in Brooklyn this winter.

RHOA wedding vs. Five Heartbeats (Nights like this, I wishhhhh raindrops would fallll!)

Bill Bojangles wants to be the first to welcome you to Black History Month - the most wonderful time of the year. Ready yourself and your kin for at least three TV One Good Times-a-thons, heighened BET fuggery, spontaneous Electric Slide flash mobs and generic coon spectacles erupting in a chocolate city near you.

The UPPPER ROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

While this joyous, monthlong step into darkness will certainly be a special time of celebration for the Hostile Negress, I would be remiss to overlook other pressing issues, and by that I mean resident ATL weave felon Housewife Cynthia Bailey's nuptials this past Sunday.

Nevermind her all silver ery'thang treetopper dress or the requisite weave shenanigans (10 watermelon blow pops and a fish sammich to anyone who can clarify why her weave was extensively curled only to be pulled into a mammy chignon at the last minute - almost certainly by Uncle Ben's request). We won't get into why Peter and everybody involved in this setup was gone off that Patron long before the "I Do's" were exchanged.

I'm willing even to overlook the not quite sureptitious efforts of mama 'nem to thwart the nuptials by "misplacing" the marriage certificate.

But I will NOT, NOT, NOT overlook the inclusion of Leon in the show.

*cools self with fan featuring image of Mahalia Jackson staring skyward* I said wasn't gonna teeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll nobodddddyyyyyy! But fuck it - I need to know:

WHAT IN THE HAYLE WAS GOING ON IN CYNTHIA'S LIFE WHEN SHE HOOKED UP WITH LEON? And just HOW did Bravo think they would slip him in there on the okey doke?

Mmmmhmmm, I saw you. I half expected him to rip off his coat and start singing nights like this, I wish raindrops would fall in an ratty old 1970s body suit. (best. part. ever.)

Now I know there are those of you cheap hoe bags lovelorn ladies who have expressed a love for this Five Heartbeats staple. And it is to you I ask: WHAT IN THE HAYLE ARE YOU SEEING IN THE BELL PEPPER NOSE THAT I AM NOT?

Please break this down for me. Because when I look at this man all I can see is a broad left mortgaging her house to cover excessive costs of Kleenex and chapstick.



I need comprehensive answers on this matter - and on why that poor baby of their'n gotta have the same jack-o-lantern nose as her daddy. (There is no God.)

Well in the end, at least Leon got a little screen time since 1991...

This moment brought to you by Steve Harvey's teeth whitening trays

This.


I don't know about you, but this couple screams pure, unmitigated sex appeal to me.

Laugh now. But one of these days Bugsy Seigel's ghost is finally gonna catch up with this nucca and the score will be SETTLED.

*walks away humming "speak lawd, speak to me"*

Queen Latifah gives Kate Middleton (that's the would-be queen of England or something) advice on being a royal

Mmmmhmmm. I DID bring that hat up.

For those of us not completely versed in the world of white people news, Prince Harry or Charles or whichever of Diana's two sons is getting married to one Kate Middletown, AKA some other immensely wealthy white person who has little to no relevance in my daily quests for hot sauce and pigs feet.

Where I DO become interested is the point at which Dana Owens decides to rely on her extensive first hand experience as a "royal" - cough stutter - to advise the young couple:

From NBC Los Angeles:

"Make sure you have a sanctuary, because everybody in the world is going to be in your business,” she advised to Middleton. "He happened to be born a prince; you happened to go to college and meet him. You're two kids who fell in love. I just hope you have a happy life. And don't take anything personally."

From her throne to your ears. I'm glad Dana had time to reflect on this in between the more important things in her life, namely, securing her pride season appearances and working on her line of extra wide shouldered, women's blazers.

I would say I hope she's touched by an angel soon, but I'll settle for her just not flipping another of those lamp shades onto her head in 2011.

Bed Intruder Christmas Carol - They Rapin' Errrryboday!

You didn't think I was going to forget my Christmas spirit did you? What kind of negress do you think I AM. I've been whippin' up holiday pancakes all morning and practicing for the plantation recital! But I wanted to take a break to bring you this special message from Liberty University. Yes, THAT Liberty (Falwell, white, racist, crazy Christian, maniacal - THAT one.)



I'll hold your egg nog while you lean and rock with it.

Botswana President: Husky chicks need not apply!

You know, we here at The Hostile Negress are a fair sort. We believe in shedding light on negro shenaniganry among American AND African brown folk.

And in that vein I present:

Botswana President Explains "No Fatties" Policy

Botswana President Ian Kharma says he doesn't want a fat wife, because "she may fail to pass through the door, breaking furniture with her heavy weight and even break the vehicle's shock absorbers." Read more

Yes lawd. Don't you just love how Africans can be so polite and straight forward? He's not a hater folks. He is just concerned that she may fail to pass through doorways. He's no politically incorrect. He's just concerned about his ride.

I mean, what's the problem here? You, my dear misguidedly politically correct soul, YOU are the problem. Now stop eating that baconator right this instant. My Cutlass can't take it.

Seriously, where are the PR folks in Africa???