Tuesday, June 28, 2011

American Hoodery Exported: Nigerian Music, "Crank that Naija Boy" Makes The Rounds


*No Zamundans were harmed in the filming of these videos!*

You know it has to be serious if I risked my life gnawing through twine and busting out of the the cage in which Chris Brown has held me for the past three weeks (custom constructed from Rihanna’s hair and bones, respectively) to bring you this post.

But this, dear readers, is serious. I am a soldier in the war against ratchetery and I will go down fighting before I allow the forces of banjiness to destroy this beautiful planet!

From weave to shining weave!!!

With that, I bring you this - some type of Africanized Soulja Boy hybrid that features congos, Muslim robes and a heavy dose of Jaysus tears.

Naija Boy up in this hoe ... watch me shake my ass like so.”

You know, YouTube has been a repeat offender and corporal in the Elite Coonery Squadron for at least four years but this ... wait, I hear my cell phone. Hello.

Who is this? It’s who? The ancestors calling from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? What are you saying - wait calm down, calm down stop yelling!! Ok, got it.

Kunta and them said they did NOT endure the Middle Passage for you and Matumbe to be posted up on an ‘88 Honda talm’ ‘bout Zulu-mannin’ that hoe while your cousin breakbacks it to congos in the background!

Shaka is going to fug. you. up.

So for those of you who aren’t aware, apparently Naija is a cutesy term for Nigerian which is a cutesy term for ratchet charlatan who will try to get you to wire them $5,000 to help them secure the future of their kingdom.

Yup, I’m that batch. Bring it on Naija Boyz!

In addition to cooking up some of the most HEELARIOUS direct-to-DVD Nigerian movies you could ever hope to see (don’t act like you haven’t scanned the back cover of “Ajila’s Choice” while gnawing on a goat nugget at the African swap meet...) apparently Naijas also enjoy remaking videos of the American hood variety.

I could go on about the trials and tribulations of Nigerian music, but the power of grayskull won’t let me. So I’ll just post the videos and let you sift through your emotions.

Tissues are in the drawer.

*Warning: These Naija videos include several disturbing images of Motherland hoodery.

Naija Girls (Proof that the horrors of $50 sew ins have indeed hit the Motherland)

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you: I've been fascinated by the banginess of African pop culture for at least a century. More than once The African Channel's soap operas have left me posted up on a couch for hours on end, determined to figure out if Mnuembe really DID get it on with Onyeka after the Naija Boyz concert in Lagos!

If you've got a hankering for more ratchetry, and let's face it, you're ignorant so you definitely do, check out NaijaTube and prepare for uncontrollable weeping and kee kees. In that order.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday Fail: Da Brat Launches Her Comeback Tour Tonight In Atlanta! (Insert blank stare...)

Da Brat Starts her Comeback Tour! Guuuuuuuurl....

Who says the rapture didn't happen!

Before you ask, no, I will NOT be explaining how I got my hands on such a flyer.

My vadge = my biz!

Just know that if you're in ATL, and you're a practicer of Sapphic Arts, steer clear of XS Ultra Lounge this Friday. Ain't no telling what kind of 1994 vortex you could be sucked into - what with Da Brat being so summarily irresistable!

I don't know about you, but I slithered out of my period draws the INSTANT I saw that tarantula eyelash affect! Girl you be killin' em with the baby pink Kangol action!

In all seriousness - since such ratchet foolniggary is really tearing the community apart - I'm going to ask you to join hands with me and send up a prayer that all future "comebacks" be limited to people who
a) Had viable careers in the immediate proceeding 10 years
b) Have opted to embrace clothing from the current century.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Today in White Coonery: Armed Robbery at Colorado Bank Involves Bandanna, AIDS Claims and a lot of Coughing

Female Bank Robber to Teller: I've got The AIDS! Gimme your coins!

Is this what we're doing to keep our Serenity overnight pad game tight Barb? Really?

Is this really what armed robbery has come to?

Let me start out by saying to any of you who have even the slightest intention of using the old "I got AIDS bitch!" routine to shake a sista down for her extra packets of deliriously tasty McDonald's limited edition sweet chili nugget sauce: Think Thee Fuck AGAIN!

I already got more diseases than a cheap hotel toilet seat in Calcutta - your HIV would immediately be chewed up, swallowed and summarily shat out in the fom of sugar cubes faster than you can say "platinum jawbones by Coco and Ice T!"

And with that said, I'd like to also preface this with a halleleujah little child - the negreaux are NOT involved with this!

(Naturally the negreaux would threaten a bank teller with something far more menacing - ie. a direct promise to send all of their ratchet cousins over to fill out bank loan apps and generally fuck up everybody's life for the next 24 hours.)

From this Reuters robbery article:
A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday.
Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build."

What kind of description is that? A boney batch between the ages of 55 and 75? Batch that could be Heidi Klum, Linda Evangelista - hell, if she slapped you with a phone it could be Naomi Campbell (only if her hairline reminded you of a depleted rainforest of course.)

"She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," (officials) said.
The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said.

Girl that didn't work at the line in Safeway and it won't work in a bank!

You know what, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I would ever have thought the blacks could be involved with this. After all, this person threatened to give a bank teller AIDS by coughing on them = fail. A black teller would have been unmoved by anything other than a threat to run her credit. Now THAT might have resulted in the immediate emptying of the vault, handing over of bank cards and any spare funds from the wet and wavy weave fund on hand.

White coonery is really on the come up!

I will say this much: Given as I keep finding myself sitting next to people smelling like doo doo balls (Suge Knight of Busboys and Poets, I am calling you to. the. mat.) I may need to invest in my own blue bandanna and perfect a Pookie-esque New Jack City-type drawl.

For the cause (of my nostrils).

PS: To the bank robber and Senor Doo Doo Balls:

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Va Inmate Sues for Sex Change Surgery (After man meat home removal fails…)

I thought Esther Rolle was gone on to glory????

Jaysus be a powerful sedative. I urge you to have a seat in a rocking chair with arms suitable for clutching. I would offer you my old rugged cross, but I’m busy clinging to it.

Ready your eyes for this riveting tale (wonderfully executed by my former co-worker – REAL TALK!) of mistaken man meat, prison razors and RuPaul aspirations.

Full disclosure: As an alternative woman (birth name: Kwame Kwaku Jenkins-Harris IV) I can completely relate to gender dysphoria and this story. I have no words to express the frustration I have felt with being constantly refered to as “sir” and being denied my rightful title in the NFL hall of fame as the second woman to play for the Giants (Wendy Williams being the first.)

From reports:
DILLWYN, Va. – Crouched in her cell, Ophelia De'lonta hoped three green disposable razors from the prison commissary would give her what the Virginia Department of Corrections will not — a sex change.

Interjection: I absolutely dare you to read further!

It had been several years since she had felt the urges, but she had been fighting them for weeks. But like numerous other times, she failed to get rid of what she calls "that thing" between her legs, the last evidence she was born a male.
Months after the October castration attempt, De'lonta filed a federal lawsuit Friday claiming the state has failed its duty to provide adequate medical care because it won't give her the operation. If she loses, she says she will continue to try self-surgery — acknowledging another attempt could kill her.

Bless the heart of this missionary in the fight against unwanted peens. We all have to start somewhere; I hear even Jermaine Jackson began his journey to abstract facial glory with putty knives and alcohol. Girl, you better chop that lumber off and get your vagina power on!

While many with gender identity disorder wish to get rid of their genitals, the majority never act — often because hormones and other treatments help make them feel more comfortable, (one expert) said. (Translation: Duct tape changes thangs! I’m a believer!)

Inmate: State-sponsored Male to Female Gender Reassignment = My American Right Boo!

The hormones and other treatments had kept her urges in check for years. She snapped Oct. 8 when an officer used a male pronoun toward her, despite a court order that prison workers refer to her as a woman.
"I screamed `She, damnit!' becoming so overwhelmed it was hard to breathe," De'lonta said.

YAAAAAAASSSS! Do you have ANY idea how many times this exact same shat has happened to me? My sloping brow, Anthony Weineresque jawline (I know you see it – I’m certain that praying mantis lookin’ ninja can husk the hell out of some corn…) and coifed goatee are NO EXCUSE for you to refer to me as anything but a delicate evening blossom of feminine exuberance. I had to turn a Bob’s Big Boy OUT after a cashier refered to me as Sir. When I tell you French fries and quick weaves were scattered! I can’t go to the state of Missouri anymore, but it was all worth it in the fight for acceptance of alternative women, such as myself, Omarosa and now, De’lonta!
*joins paw-like, square hands with other alternative women*

By God as my witness, you will NOT deny our vaginas their seat at the table!!!
Using knowledge gained from mail-order anatomy books (Another Nikki Minaj secret revealed…) De'lonta cut on and off for three hours before she passed out. It took 21 stitches to repair the damage.
De'lonta first tried to cut herself when she was 12. By 17, she was robbing banks with the hopes of getting enough money to have a sex change operation.
I get the thinking behind this – after all, I understand it’s exactly what led to Remy Ma’s life of crime. But there are more productive methods, you know, like launching a blockbuster music career, hosting a talk show or getting on the reality TV carousel, to fund your switch.

My enrollment in the alt-woman relocation program won’t allow me to reveal who I know to have followed that path. So I’ll just look directly at Wendy Williams and let you make the conclusions…

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Today in White Coonery: KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church - because some shat is just inappropriate!

White supremacist KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist church

I would go ahead and apologize for my semi-delayed holiday absence, but I was getting my cooch relined – and the glorious temptation of having a wall-to-wall angora fur-lined snatch overcame my greater blogging sensibilities. I’m sure you understand.

Anyway, I was rattled from my post-cooch revamp rest when I learned from CNBC that stocks of coonery (NYSE: COON) had risen this week on news that The Whites have yet AGAIN staged a clear push for dominance of the foolywang antics market:

Hours before President Barack Obama led the nation's Memorial Day observances at the Tomb of the Unknowns, three Westboro Church protestors were challenged by others who disagreed with them -- including members claiming to be from the Ku Klux Klan.
"It's the soldier that fought and died and gave them that right to free speech," said Dennis LaBonte, the self-described "Imperial Wizard" of the KKK group that he said he formed several years ago.

You'd better solja boy tell'em Grand Klud! I see your white robe swag!

Abigail Phelps, the daughter of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps said "They have no moral authority on anything.
"People like them say it's white power ... white supremacy," Phelps said. "The Bible doesn't say anywhere that it's an abomination to be born of a certain gender or race."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Westboro Church protests and their overall brand of the crazies, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas is comprised of a group of cornfed West Virginia-type Hackfield/McKoy whaggers (white naggers) who should probably be somewhere brewing up some corn liquor but instead occupy most of their days railing about The Queers and jaysus’ masterplan to kill them off by sending them to war. Or something – my ability to hear fuggery is really starting to dim.

Westboro Baptist Church protests are fairly legendary in the media world – they send block letter, all cap press releases to newspapers pretty much daily and generally sprinkle their crazy dust for weeks before they show up in your town.

Now THAT is what I call PR!

The KKK today, meanwhile, has faded. Membership has sank as The Republicans have gained more of a foothold as the premiere trendy social group of choice among the elite racist cracker set.

*sigh* Those crackers can be so fickle. I feel your pain KKK, really, I do. But let’s face it: You haven’t had a decent klan rally since my beloved Chaka Khan had a waistline. The klan robe is boxy and that A-line shape is unflattering. Westboro Baptist Church protests, meanwhile, are all-the-way turnt up and their commitment to truck stop fashion is legendary.

Step your game up Ku Klux Klan!

Honestly seeing this kind of split in the longstanding hateocracy movement is saddening. Ku Klux Klan says hate the naggers. Westboro Baptist Church says hate the queers.

I say: Why not just hate the queer naggers and call it a day? Done and done.

But the real question here is why can’t The Whites let The Blacks be great? For years they’ve had everything – money, dogs, sushi – and The Blacks have maintained their own fiefdom, dominating the lucrative professional basketball, malt liquor and foolywang fraganackle bullshat markets (icons include honored unicoon Marion Barry – but you already knew that…)

Now The Whites want to take coonery too! Where is Al Sharpton – this has to be stopped!