Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Jermaine Jackson penning Michael Jackson book - and other shameless efforts to make money off the dead

I take a few days off to have my lady bits serviced and take my cat to the psychic, come back and find Nate Dogg done died, Japan exploded and Jermaine Jackson (henceforth refered to as JermJack) and his Bart-Simpson-Gumbie hybrid hair are back on the scene.

I thought I told Dr. Mephisto to lock the lab UP afterward?!

From AP:

Touchstone announced Wednesday that Jermaine Jackson's "You Are Not Alone: Michael: Through a Brother's Eye" will be released this fall. Touchstone, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, promises a "faithful and loving portrait," but one with "no subject off limits."
Jackson spoke in 2003 of wanting to write a memoir and reports surfaced again after Michael's death, in 2009.
Sisters Janet Jackson and La Toya Jackson also have books out this year.

At the risk of exposing myself for the cynical, bitter, rude bastard I am, I’m going to go ahead and ask: Am I the only person who really doesn’t think there’s much more to learn about Michael Jackson that we don’t already know? I mean, this book could reveal that he was intersexed, bipolar, had a Maury Povich-style-hiding-behind-the-dresser clown phobia and married his pet mouse Ben in a ceremony at the Mormon Temple in Bethesda overseen by the Rev. Run and featuring Bubbles as his best man and I would be like

Nucca was on another level that is as of yet discovered by most humans. I think that much is clear.

The real question is why the Jackson family refuses to give us what we REALLY want, indeed, what generations of NASA scientists the world over have been clamoring for: A clear, concise, scientifically sound and decisive explanation of what comprises Jermaine Jackson’s hair. Sure we have our theories – Let’s Jam hair gel mixed with shoe polish. Magic Marker. An industrial grade polymer-clay-gel mixture trademarked as Plasticine. But why can’t we get a true answer?

Instead we get denials that there’s been, ahem, a “transition.” Review:

Exhibit A:

Normal negritude. Nose prevalent yet not offensive. Hair of moderate napp-tencity. (Imma just leave Mike’s camisole with the bow on it right where it is…)

Exhibit B:

Transitional negritude. Still identifiable as a human, though gender specification increasingly unclear. Though showing signs of early shellacking, head covering still identifiable as "hair."

And finally *snatches off sheet*

Exhibit C:

Negritude still apparent; nose has taken on three-pronged scrotal appearance. Skin-like substance apparent; evidence of extensive sand blasting. Industrial-strength shellack apparent along sides of heaed with high-performance gel and or Japanese hand-pressing technique employed.

Now you tell me we don't deserve some answers!

The only Jackson book I’m paying for will be penned buy JermJack’s hair or Joe Jackson’s (henceforth refered to as Blow Joe) Lucifer-lookin’ eyebrows.

Otherwise, I can’t be bothered to set aside my sandwich.

1 comment:

  1. I randomly came across your blog on my own eternal quest to discover just what the actual living fuck is on JermJack's head, and thank God I did! I haven't laughed so hard in ages! You are hilarious girl! Next stop: John Travolta's toupee!