Friday, March 4, 2011

Da Brat is out and her milkshake is intact (Macarena celebration jam Saturday!)

(Does anyone else get a "not without my Herpecin!" vibe from this pic? I'm just sayin. Valtrex is an option.)

Let me start by stating the obvious: Until all of my sisters are free from the horror of cheap wigs, none of us has truly overcome.

Anywho, while I was in the bathroom "reducing," the gays sneaked this on me. Mmmhmm Da Brat (yes, the 36-year-old yesterapper who is clinging to 1993 like the last scoop of chitlins in the bowl)is out. Awwwwww snap - Cleveland pride is gonna be CRUNK this year!!!!

Meanwhile, where was CNN to cover this???? FUCKIN. UP.

From Boombox:

Fresh off her release from prison, Da Brat is excited to get back into the swing of things. The female rapper is prepping tons of new projects including new music, a book, and getting up to speed on Twitter. Earlier this week, the 36-year-old completed a three-year bid for assaulting a waitress with an alcohol bottle back in 2007, and her new found freedom has changed her outlook on just about everything.

Insert booming Wizard of Oz laughter. Am I truly an evil to the core bitch for keekeeing my shoes clean off my feet at every third word in this paragraph? PS: 10 packs of cigarettes says the book title involves the words "relevance" "struggle" and "pork chop."

Speaking of which, I could've sworn I had ordered a pork chop drop for her release.

Exactly three years to the day Monday, sweet, sticky slabs of meat were supposed to rain down over the prison exit millionth-customer style; I knew Shawntae would look to the heavens, open her mouth and thank me for the show of solidarity. *Cue SWV Rain video*

Whatevs. More please:

Da Brat spoke with about her newfound freedom after being released from prison on Monday, Feb. 28. Now the rapper is discussing what life was like behind bars and how she was the top dog on every cell block.

Uh oh. This is veering. The wheel is turning. Slowly. Slowly. Yes - IT HAS OFFICIALLY GONE TO THE LEFT OF SANITY.

Man, they kept me on lockdown there because they all would be singing my song. They would be in a line and I’d walk through that joint and they would be like ‘what do you like.’ And,the officers would be like ‘yo, yo fall in line,' but they wouldn’t listen,” said Brat. “... They shipped me outta there in a week.”

Ehh hemmm. I see. Yes. Shipped you out. Pandemonium you say?

It was crazy! I mean all the officers and counselors told me that the girls never bought so much makeup and got in trouble for tight pants,” explained Brat. “It was so funny. I was rollin’ off that s---. Everybody was trying to be homies and friends. Wash my clothes, do my hair, and just everything. I was a boss b---- in that m-----------.

Judge not lest ye be judged - Da Brat just wants you to know her milkshake still brings all the girls to the yard! Mmmmmk. Something tells me the only thing she got in trouble for was hoarding Cup O'Noodles, galavanting around in Lil Bow Wow braids and just generally refusing to leave the Clinton era and enter the Obama years.

But you didn't hear that from me.

If she starts coming for Nikki Minaj (Booty Mirage) talm bout her stolen "shine" Japanese ritual suicide won't be far behind for me.

Bury me a G.

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