Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Oprah's got a little (?) sister and I'm comin' out!

I'm sure by now you've all seen or heard of the latest addition to the Winfrey empire - and no, I don't mean another lesbian love muffin doubles partner best friend a la Gayle - but rather her long lost little (audible tittering) sister.

It's a family afffffffaaaaaaaiiiiiiiir!!!!

For review:

I don't know about you, but I had hoped that (in the spirit of International Drag Month) Oprah's big secret would involve her removal of certain female acoutrements set to the tune of "I'm Comin' Out" but I guess that's too much to ask. So instead we're treated to a Sister Sledge type of set up, replete with tears and hand holding.

Awwwwwwww, black love :)

Now far be it from The Hostile Negress to turn a moment of ebony familial bliss into an opportunity to focus on money. After all, I myself do this for the love of shade - and for an extra shake or three of fry seasoning by my homies at Bojangles. But I'm gonna just go ahead and state the obvious -

This hoe is about to be filthy, stankin' assed rich.

Jackpot! Boogers to baguettes! Fuck work! BALLLLLLLIIIIIIINNNNN'!

Don't act like you didn't think about it. This broad is gonna be donning a bathing suit and swimming in Oprah's Ebenezer McScroogesque pool of hundreds faster than you can say "Fuck Indian hair - Italian weave only from now on!"

Recognizing the genius of the ole long lost relative routine, yours truly has thought up her own scheme, er, plan to reunite a family.

Until now, I have kept this factoid pretty far under my hat, lest the media bombard my peeps. But I feel like now is the time to come out:

I am the long lost daughter of Ashford and Simpson

(and don't you DARE insult my father's chest ringlets!)

The year was 1980. The incident involved the windswept duo, a beach and a gang of Tanqueray. Months later, I am told, I washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan in a bedazzled hat box, with a bottle of activator tucked under my tiny arm.

I am proud to assume the A and S throne and all of the responsibilities and benefits that come along with it, including (I presume) roughly $500.

The floor is now open for musical requests!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Flavor Flav's chicken joint is open for bidnass!

Dear God, It's Me Hostile Negress:

I know you're busy up there rallying your troops against Antoine Dodson, annointing Monique's legs and meditating on how to handle the "Toya situation" but I need you now more than ever.

I think it's time for you to call Flavor Flav home. He's done his duty here and has been an amazing ambassador to coonery. The blacks won't ever recover.

Do you think you could rapture him now? I'd sure appreciate it.



This moment brought to you by Steve Harvey's teeth whitening trays


I don't know about you, but this couple screams pure, unmitigated sex appeal to me.

Laugh now. But one of these days Bugsy Seigel's ghost is finally gonna catch up with this nucca and the score will be SETTLED.

*walks away humming "speak lawd, speak to me"*

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Red Alert Coonery: Cocaine, meet pastry

Photo care of Necole Bitchie

I knooooow you see it. I'm so tempted to just slap this photo up here and allow you to self-tragedize. But that would be neglecting my duties as sergeant in arms against the spread of foolwangary and a publically elected documentor of coonanigans (Trademarked).

Soooo, I was in the midst of my normal morning routine as of late - downing of a mug of vodka while mumbling bitterly about The Man and perusing the latest submissions for Coon of the Year, when I stumbled upon the above photo, snapped at Ray J's 30th birthday.

Ray J. Yes, that. We won't delve into how he remains relevant anywhere on planet Earth; I will leave these mysteries to be solved by the likes of Stephen Hawkings, who has recieved a detailed WTF query.

Anywho, I was just about to move on when something about the cake caught my eye: Are those cocaine bricks atop the cake???

Nevermind that this fool would be summarily ground into a fine powder and distributed by the likes of Gucci Mane iffen he EVER set foot in an establishment peddling such bricks. (I won't even begin to address the "Pure" sign...) Nevermind that he has no familiarity with the monetary currency represented on the cake.

No, those are the obvious offenses. The real question is who made the cake? I thought Desserts by Latrell was closed?

And at this point, dear readers, I shall fold up my laptop, fold myself into 44 pieces, and await the mushroom cloud.

I suggest you do the same.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Fashion police moving violation #235: When glitter and pastel attack

Photo care of Getty Images and a really bad Mariah Carey acid trip.

So I'm not going to pretend that I watched the Golden Globes - I was way too busy eating french fries and plotting world takeover on the couch. But this little piece of butterfly beauty has been making the rounds and I'm sure I don't have to say why.

I am, quite frankly, a stan of Sidibe. Yes, her size might, in certain circles, qualify her for statehood. And yes, the wig situation will likely be the topic of an emergency United Nations meeting in the near future. Annnnd yes, each of her wrists is equivalant in circumferance to a small pineapple.

But why dwell on the obvious. She's effin HILARIOUS and I would love to hang out with her.

And despite everybody's thoughts to the contrary, I see where she was going with this dress.

Sure, right now it just looks like a star spangled mumu. But with the addition of a cape, sash and wand, it's perfect. What else would you have the tooth fairy rock after all?

You better get those molars girl!

Fashion police moving violation #234: Psychadelic dungaree theft

Well sho' ya right.

Look at the picture above. Now look at this picture:

Now back at the first picture.

Now at me:

funny gifs

I've stood by idle, as Kimberly Jones has abused padded panties, shat all over the dynasty of immaculate pancake makeup Lil Richard spent years building and made an obvious mockery of Jermaine Jackson-style facial reconstruction.

But I draw the LINE at the theft of intergallactic fashion. Bootsy Collins has spent countless blood, sweat and glitter on building his wardrobe of Huggy Bear stack shoes and tin foil pasties.

Was it all for naught???

Meanwhile, a very large and I suspect very cranky camel is somewhere missing its toes.

In the immortal words of one of my readers: Shiggity. Wiggity.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Special Delivery! GDEP go to jail, do not pass go!

Yes, I too had to scour my memory banks.

We'll just overlook the fact that GDep enjoyed approximately 22 seconds of fame before retiring to a career as a Frosty technologist - especially since, in Bad Boy years, that makes him one of the longer lasting artists.

Instead we'll just pretend it's 2001 and this person remains a star - otherwise this would just be a posting about another shiftless negro who shot some fool in an argument that was almost certainly linked to a Jesus piece.

From WSJ:
Onetime Bad Boy rapper G. Dep pleaded not guilty yesterday to killing a man in 1993. That's just "procedural," since he walked into a police station and confessed to the crime last month, "likely...while under the influence of drugs."

Well there you have it. I know I've confessed to murders that I didn't commit under the influence of chamomile tea or some other powerful narcotic.

As you were.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Get that new Fox jawn right here! (you know you wanna hear it...)

In a few words: This. Ain't. It.

What kind of roving reporter would I be if I didn't bless my readers with a snippet of that hotly anticipated, BK raw, Machine Gun Kelly Fox Brown jawn! Hot fire, buck buck buck buck!

*takes long, exaggerated swig of chamomile tea*

That was so dope. She's about to go platinum just off of the clip.

Isn't there some sort of ghost or something that can come snatchin' these retired batches back into the '90s? Even this beat sounds like something that was pumpin' when I wore a training bra.

My ears are PISSED that they can't unhear this.

I have no more patience for Inga and Kim. I want the real shat. Something you can feel shat. I mean none other than the long anticipated MC Lyte comeback!

*and I don't mean that AT. ALL. *

Two Men Charged With Sexually Assaulting Woman With Live Snake

I reckon there's gonna be trouble when the eggs hatch. Move your body like a snake ma! (that was IGNORANT)

From HipHopWired:
Two Wisconsin men are in police custody after authorities say they sexually assaulted a woman with a live snake.
John Bullock, 24, and Damonta Jones, 25, were arrested for the incident that reportedly took place in November at Jones' home.

Sooooo basically the woman is lured into the home to "look at pictures of Jones children" (red flag no.2, with no. 1 being his swoop-de-woop afro - always a sign of trouble) and was bonked over the head with something. Foolywangery ensued:

Jones, she recalled, then said, “I'm going to get the snake” and the victim reports that she “suddenly “felt something inside of her.”
The woman, whose identity is being withheld, reports that she believed the snake may have bitten her because she felt a very sharp pain and heard the men say, ‘Pull it out.'”

That, in my mind, is a pretty good sign you were just snake-raped and possibly had your inner cooch gnawed on by a python. Worst date EVER! I'm no scientist or anything though so you might want to consult with Jack Hannah.

Some people take the putting of the p* in a sarcophagus a bit too seriously I see. At least there won't be much disputing who the daddy is on Maury, what with little Je'Maceo, Tavareon and Quincette having their fathers' scales.

I quit. Turn out the light when you're done.

(changing diapers is gonna be a fool...)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Great travesties in black film: The Heart Specialist (the devil is a liar!)

All. Star. Cast.

While you all were busy analyzing Linethia's RHOA hair sculpture, they slipped the above on us.

How glorious will this be? Take a peek and tell me:

In the name of the father, son, holy ghost and Sherman Helmsley, I want to say I officially BIND everybody involved with this. The actors. The directors. The writers. The grips. The people in charge of teasin' Marla's wigs and attaching her to the system of ropes and pullies that's surely keeping her ancient ass upright.

I will, however, send an economy sized bag of cheetos and a jar of Blue Magic to the makeup artist who spackled Jasmine Guy. Making her look 50 is truly a feet that deserves a danish or a Soul Train award or some type of recognition.

Haven't heard of this one? Apparently you're not the only one: While this is allegedly supposed to come out in two weeks (In theatres. In North America.) it still hasn't been rated.

Where they do THAT at?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, what pre-Armageddon planetary alignment has occured that created this particular slate of black "stars" (cough)? Mya and Method Man is already TRYING IT. Marla Gibbs, Terence J and Jennifer Lewis made me take my belt off.

But did they conjure up LEON???

I won't take on Avon Barksdale, since I know times have been hard since The Wire went night night, but I must give a misty side eye to Ed Asner. Dayum, what's REALLY going on there!

Again, I say, I BIND thee! The devil is a liar! This ain't over - expect to hear from my lawyer AND my ancestors behind this shenaniganry. Now let's just see which one of you all goes to see it. Tell ya what, you do that, and I'll be at home doing this:


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Foxy Brown now getting sued! Code Poo Poo Brown issued in response

So many sammiches ago.

Alright, Inga, this nonsense is getting just as predictable as your Argentinian- hooker-caught-in-the-rain weave stunts.

HipHopWired says:
While Foxy Brown continues to prep her return to music, her former manager is lashing out against her with a $100,000 lawsuit.

Said manager goes on to make what is surely the first viable bid for understatement of 2011:

According to her ex-boss however Foxy just needs to get help for her “self destructive” behavior.

Meanwhile, Foxy brought on this latest Shamwow during a late-night Twitter tirade involving pork rinds, Hennessy and a lot of delusions:

In addition to calling out Brennan, Foxy also previously addressed rumors that her Christmas Massacre diss was aimed solely at Lil Kim and not Nicki Minaj saying,
“And contrary to the bulls--t that was posted…”Christmas Massacre” is NOT supporting homegirl and dissin' shorty! “Massacre” is the response to b*tches thinkin' its sweet insinuating my name in that beef! “Machine Gun Kelly” b*tch!! I am the streets! I aint' taking NO sides….FOX stand alone!"

I'm just gonna go ahead and issue an Anna Nicole Smith Alert, Code PooPoo Brown for this sister. That's the international alert for when a ninja is spinning out of control and fading away faster than Naomi Campbell's hairline. This alert has previously been issued for the likes of Lauryn Hill and Young MC*.

*I just wanted to toss Young MC out there for no particular reason.

I know I've previously called for prayer circles to be formed around the tatters of Inga's edges career, and placed more than one of her chronically stressed dresses on our sick and shut in list. But I want to go farther.

Yes. I am taking the unprecedented step of issuing an eclessiastical proclamation and a final call to arms to right the oceanliner that has become Foxy Brown. Christian soldiers, I implore you to meet me at the back of Foo Yah's Yaki Depot, on 123rd in Harlem by the chicken box shack, Friday morning. Bring crosses, armor, annointing oils and patience.

We're gonna get Foxy together!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Thank goodness they weren't black moment: Hammer vs. Stick robbery

Every now and again I come across a piece of fuggery and think to myself "Glory be, I'm so glad my cousins weren't involved!" This epic drama, sugarplums, is just such an item:

I'm sure if you're Mustafa dusting off old pantyhose and rearranging stale hotdogs on the third shift at Gas n Go, there ain't much funny about this. But for the rest of us this is the reason for the season indeed.

A few study questions:

- Why'd he come bursting through the door weilding that branch like a double shotty?
- Exactly how was the hammer going to be effective?
- How did he even GET that big ass miniature tree?
- Why the bags on the feet???

Jesus take the wheel.

The Hostile Negress Speaks - New Year's Edition

Figured I'd dust this little diatribe off for you all - only about four days late, but you know how the Children of the Sun get down; you're lucky you got a New Year's jawn in January!

Spread liberally!

Look out for Auntie Viv's wedding invites - and the other signs of apocolypse

From NY Post:

Vivica Fox got engaged to her younger boyfriend, Atlanta club promoter Omar "Slim" White, 27, during the holidays. A source told us that White proposed to Fox, 46, on Dec. 26 with an 8-karat stunner while the two were staying at the Ritz Carlton in South Beach. Fox and White, who've been dating for just over a year, spent New Year's Eve with Dwyane Wade, Gabrielle Union and Sanaa Lathan at a bash hosted by Chris Bosh. It will be Fox's second marriage. Her rep confirmed the engagement.

Well I for one believe this marriage is gonna work! And I mean that about as much as you think I do.

So just for the record, the last few days have seen:

- The falling of roughly 5,000 birds from the sky over Arkansas or some other flyover state
- The release of a Foxy Brown diss track

and now this.

I'm not gonna say it. I'll let the picture do the talkin:

Pardon me while I head down to my bunker...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Queen Latifah gives Kate Middleton (that's the would-be queen of England or something) advice on being a royal

Mmmmhmmm. I DID bring that hat up.

For those of us not completely versed in the world of white people news, Prince Harry or Charles or whichever of Diana's two sons is getting married to one Kate Middletown, AKA some other immensely wealthy white person who has little to no relevance in my daily quests for hot sauce and pigs feet.

Where I DO become interested is the point at which Dana Owens decides to rely on her extensive first hand experience as a "royal" - cough stutter - to advise the young couple:

From NBC Los Angeles:

"Make sure you have a sanctuary, because everybody in the world is going to be in your business,” she advised to Middleton. "He happened to be born a prince; you happened to go to college and meet him. You're two kids who fell in love. I just hope you have a happy life. And don't take anything personally."

From her throne to your ears. I'm glad Dana had time to reflect on this in between the more important things in her life, namely, securing her pride season appearances and working on her line of extra wide shouldered, women's blazers.

I would say I hope she's touched by an angel soon, but I'll settle for her just not flipping another of those lamp shades onto her head in 2011.

Triple wide mouth yawn: The latest chapter in Weavepocalypse 2011

I don't really have a whole lot to say about Lil Kim taking the stage to declare herself and Mary J. Blige will now be involved in a diss track against Nikki Minaj and Keyshia Coles (caught-you-sleepin-in-church side eye)- mostly because I'm busy thinking up concepts for my own diss track against all of this tomfoolery.

Now someone help me hot glue some foam and mattresses to the inside of my garage so I can pop this thang off Hustle and Flow like. Expect copious references to peroxide.

(Is it wrong that I didn't know the blonde item was a person until about 35 seconds in?)