Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Oprah's got a little (?) sister and I'm comin' out!

I'm sure by now you've all seen or heard of the latest addition to the Winfrey empire - and no, I don't mean another lesbian love muffin doubles partner best friend a la Gayle - but rather her long lost little (audible tittering) sister.

It's a family afffffffaaaaaaaiiiiiiiir!!!!

For review:

I don't know about you, but I had hoped that (in the spirit of International Drag Month) Oprah's big secret would involve her removal of certain female acoutrements set to the tune of "I'm Comin' Out" but I guess that's too much to ask. So instead we're treated to a Sister Sledge type of set up, replete with tears and hand holding.

Awwwwwwww, black love :)

Now far be it from The Hostile Negress to turn a moment of ebony familial bliss into an opportunity to focus on money. After all, I myself do this for the love of shade - and for an extra shake or three of fry seasoning by my homies at Bojangles. But I'm gonna just go ahead and state the obvious -

This hoe is about to be filthy, stankin' assed rich.

Jackpot! Boogers to baguettes! Fuck work! BALLLLLLLIIIIIIINNNNN'!

Don't act like you didn't think about it. This broad is gonna be donning a bathing suit and swimming in Oprah's Ebenezer McScroogesque pool of hundreds faster than you can say "Fuck Indian hair - Italian weave only from now on!"

Recognizing the genius of the ole long lost relative routine, yours truly has thought up her own scheme, er, plan to reunite a family.

Until now, I have kept this factoid pretty far under my hat, lest the media bombard my peeps. But I feel like now is the time to come out:

I am the long lost daughter of Ashford and Simpson

(and don't you DARE insult my father's chest ringlets!)

The year was 1980. The incident involved the windswept duo, a beach and a gang of Tanqueray. Months later, I am told, I washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan in a bedazzled hat box, with a bottle of activator tucked under my tiny arm.

I am proud to assume the A and S throne and all of the responsibilities and benefits that come along with it, including (I presume) roughly $500.

The floor is now open for musical requests!

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