Saturday, April 16, 2011

UPDATE Coachella for Coloreds: Lauryn Hill shows up; Cee Lo shows out and Erykah's mic sounds (not so) nice?

UPDATE to the Coachella 2011 shenanigans:

Before I even get started, let me acknowledge for the record a number of sartorial missteps among the colored Coachella attendees - most notably Lauryn Hill and her appearance as a Rabbinical sailor with a heroin-slanging side gig (we won't EVER get her back, not for real) as well as my soul guru and fuggery icon Erykah Badu's efforts to channel Indira Gandhi and Gallagher:

(I know you see it)

Let me stop being a faux hater - I know I've been looking for a way to effectively incorporate an Indian table cloth and Sheera-style power cuffs all season. Anyway, sartorial shenanigans aside, am I the only one suspecting something is rotten in the chitlins with regards to all of The Blacks having their mics mysteriously shut down???

From LA Times:
“Keep in mind, I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my … ,” (Badu) said after having winced at the feedback from her microphone -- a glitch that recurred for the rest of the show...her patience, however, began to wane. She appeared to shoot some stern looks to workers resting on the side of the stage before seeming to abruptly cut her set nearly 20 minutes short.

Girl you'd better hit them with that Gadaffi glare. Coachella better get it together before a hex gets thrown! Badu will have you waking up with your legs and arms reversed - ask Andre 3000! Meanwhile, didn't the same Coachella antics cause the walking Jello pudding pop that is Cee Lo Lady Killer Green to roll out Friday? And now you won' test the queen of incense and baby daddies?

*picks up the big black phone* NAACP has been notified. An ineffective boycott is pending!!!! See how you Coachella folks feel when The Blacks stop coming to the event ... oh wait...

Whatevs. Kanye West is on tonight and they'd better have those mics sounding right and platters full of chicken wangs ON DECK - or else I predict there will be blood.

(And by that I mean, a stuntqueen showdown...)

And now back to the ORIGINAL post:

It's not just for white assholery anymore!

Dispatch the messy negro cleanup squad - we got Cee Lo Lady Killer Green actin' several types of monkey in aisles 14 through 17! Apparently my favorite living, breathing chocolate volcano cake turned to stuntqueen antics after his mic was mysteriously chopped during Day 1 of Coachella 2011.

Mmmmmhmmmm - I didn't give a damn about this three-day music festival/ bachannal of white jackassery neither (especially when I realized luxury purses were NOT involved) until my Beige American friend Frank Juice explained to me that the handful of black performers allowed to penetrate the festivities always includes at least one who cuts a plum ass, gains infinite blue side eyes and nearly plunges all of us back into slavery.

Fuckery, they name is Black Buddha!

From CNN:

Cee Lo Green, who's been all over the airwaves recently in his latest incarnation of "The Lady Killer," was 30 minutes late for his late afternoon set... just as he was apologizing to the crowd for being late, saying it wasn't his fault because his plane had just landed - the audio to his microphone was abruptly cut.
... Finally, he put a white towel on top of his bald head, walked off stage, and threw the towel to the ground - never to be seen again by Friday's Coachella audience.

Well, hell, that's how I leave my office everyday. Stop being dramatic CNN!

Meanwhile, in other coon news you can use from Coachella 2011, Lauryn Hill apparently both showed up to her set AND played songs from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill that did NOT sound like a Lady Gaga remix with assist from the Swiss Yoddling All-Stars.

PRAISE HIM! I knew if I just hummed and rocked hard enough, change was gon' come!

From Deadbolt News:

Grammy Award winning singer Lauryn Hill turned up at Coachella on Friday to give fans a live set filled with some of best songs that made Hill a hit with fans after going solo from The Fugees.

Although Lauryn Hill has been known to give unpredictable shows in the past few years, Hollywood Reporter reveals that Hill raised her musical game and didn't disappoint the crowd at Coachella after singing some of her most memorable songs."

Well let me put on my goggles and pop the collar on my heavenly robe because now I KNOW the sky will be parting and Jaysus will be rapturing us all any second!

In case you've never paid any mind to Coachella - it's a multi-day desert fest where our Ivory brothers and sisters dance badly, drink copiously and generally embarass their forefathers and the entire GOP.

And in case you had any doubts about its potential as a hotspot for negro shenanigans, let me present you with evidence from Coachella 2010:

In one of 2010’s more spectacular displays of buckras (and an incident for which he was later named Grand Puba of Elite Fuckery - Region III) 70's soul icon Sly (you know, and the Family Stone) showed up four hours late wearing Village People fetish wear and ranting about living in a car, needing new shoes and other random factoids that typically indicate somebody’s ready for Shady Pines Homes.

(Oh, and did I mention bitch wore my wig!???)

Mmmm hmmm, and you thought Lauryn Hill started that shit. WRONG – Sly is the originator of broke down star antics.

Lauryn’s just one of the rusters!

Next negro in the coachella 2011 lineup: Kanye with special guest appearance from his unbridled anger.

I don't' know about you, but I've already hidden my kids and wife!

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