Friday, February 25, 2011

Kidney transplant sisters released from Mississippi jail might be headed back behind Newports, pork rinds (Eff. Life.)

Sooooo, remember those ladies who were like, in jail for 10 million years or something because they stole a pair of draws but it was really because they were black and then they got out and the slaves all sang and the massa bought out a big pineapple upside down cake? This happened like, last month. Well whatevs, them batches is going back to jail!

From CBS:
There's a "complication" in the case of Mississippi ex-convicts sisters Jamie and Gladys Scott, who won their release from life prison terms on the grounds that one sister would give the other a kidney.

What is it? What could it be? Was there a loophole in the legal work? Is some racist judge accusing them of stealing Slim Jims now?

Nah boo. It comes down to Newports.

Jamie Scott said Wednesday that a doctor said she has to lose 100 pounds to receive the transplant. She said would-be donor Gladys must lose 60 pounds and stop smoking.
Barbour hasn't said whether he'll send the sisters back to prison if the transplant doesn't happen.

*In Martin Lawrence voice* Hole up. Hole up. Didn't I march for your ass with the signs and ERYTHANG? So now you basically telling me you have to curb the honeybaked ham sammiches and put the brakes on the Virginia Slims or your asses is going back to the jaily jail? AFter I wore down my loafers???

Looks at sisters:

Looks at honeybaked ham sammich:

They're going to jail

florida evans damn damn damn gif Pictures, Images and Photos

(Note: You KNOW I'm gonna use that punchbowl jawn whenever possible. I. Love. That. Shat.)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Today in irrelevance: Nelly and Kelly video remake is officially happening! (because if you're like me, you couldn't wait any longer)

I'm thinking there's gonna be some consequences and repurcussions when YMCA figures out what was goin' down in the senior pool.

From Necole Bitchie
Kelly and Nelly recently turned up the heat just a bit on the set of their new video for “Gone”, the sequel to “Dilemma”. According to Nelly, the video is an extension of the first video that was shot back in 2001 and will premiere early March.

The operative words here are "back in" and "2001". Time out: Wasn't this shat out when the Trade Centers were still up? New rule: No remaking of songs the terrorists might have had on their iPods!

But seriously, it's like somebody read my mind. For so many years I've struggled with this bizarre sense of emptiness. A hollow in my soul, the cause of which I couldn't quite place. I tried to fill it with the usual stuff - drugs, alcohol, 10 babies. And yet, nothing seemed to make it better.

Until now. There is truly a ribbon in the sky on this blessed Thursday. Now excuse me while I do The Worm to "Oh Happy Day."

Be concerned: Oral sex=oral cancer, Bobby Brown is back and Michael's kids are already startin' it up!

Around the web:

CBS says Oral Sex causing cancer
Fortunately, I stopped having sex of all varieties back in the late '70s, but Superhead and this girl named Neeka from 'round the way should proooobably start getting their affairs in order...

Rihanna skipped event to spare “vocal chords”
*drops to knees* Please, please lawdy lawd, don't let anything happen to Rihanna's vocal chords!!!

Bobby Brown and Bobby Valentino perform
Well Jaysus, I didn't even realize Bobby V had remade Bobby Brown's "Rock Wit'Chu" ... or that he was still around ... or that Bobby Brown was still around...

Willow Smith had a party and you weren't invited
That BETCH! This isn't over. By far. To the Fortress of Solitude!

Michael's children want to follow in dad's footsteps
Alls I'm saying is that one of them is 14, suckin' his thumb, speaking in monosyllables and refering to himself as Blanket. I suspect he's well on his way to Jackson glory. I'm at a loss for what these children's employment options will be other than some form of bizarre reclusivity. Maybe Ja Rule can get them on at Cinnabon after all! Nah, he never could get the icing right.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Hostile Negress Defines: Heirloom Weave (I'm going there. Today.)

HEIRLOOM WEAVE (Also: Hairloom Weave): An attachment of fake, wanna be Beyonce weave hair, typically matted, gnarled, dingy, involuntarily loc’ing or otherwise mangled, which has seen better days or possibly better centuries, yet continues to be the centerpiece of a female’s hair wardrobe; commonly seen among “ratchet” females and typically attached with bond glue. So-called because, like a treasured locket, a family Bible or Grammy’s quilt, this wet and wavy weave has been vacuum sealed and handed down through several generations of ratchet women until it landed on the present dome. Occasionally spotted on Antiques Scalawag Roadshow.

Example of its use:

Takwisha: Well you know, I mean, Foxy Boog’s hair isn’t really that bad if you look at it really fast, during sunset.

Aisha: Girl stop your lies! I believe in antiquing and I am SO glad her Nana stored that wet and wavy weave in her hope chest for all those years, but it’s time to let the Josephine Baker-era yaki go far, far away!

This was brought to you by the letter H. For Hostile. But you already knew that.

*humming and rocking* I said I wasn't gonna tellllll noobodddddddyyyyy!!!

Ja Rule recording new album, filming new reality show

I'm emphasizing "new" because I want you all to realize that I am indeed, NOT speaking to you from a vortex in the year 1999. With that said, I encourage you to slip into a Gordon's fisherman outfit, because this shat is about to get chest-deep.

So um er, before Ja Rule goes off to jaily jail, he has a few things he has to wrap up - one might assume settling affairs concerning his position with Cinnabon and ensuring all his small man clothing is in storage. Well one would be wrong.

Ja Rule is makin' moves son!

From AllHipHop:

Rapper Ja Rule is working on a new reality show, as he prepares to surrender to police in March, to start a 2 1/2 year prison sentence.
Ja, who is currently in Miami putting the finishing touches on his album Renaissance Project, is also busy filming the untitled reality series.

To quote Scooby Doo, bow rorrowoworrowww? New reality show? Hell, NEW ALBUM? Alright, which one of you wanted some more Ja-rhymes? Raise your hand up, it's ok. We won't judge you. But we will have to thrash you.

"My reality show, I like it because it's showing a strong black family going through a tough time," Ja Rule said. "And how we band together as a family and how my wife and kids, my moms and her moms, bond together during this tough time when I have to go in."
Although the series will deal with Ja Rule's upcoming bid, the rapper said the main focus of the show was about "black love." "It's really a good show and it shows black love in a good way," Ja Rule said.

*swan dives into casket*

And THAT is how you start your Wednesday!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

And still I gag: This week's Foxy Brown moment


According to TMZ, the female emcee was scheduled to perform on Wednesday (February 16th) at a Fashion Week event for designer Indashio that didn't go over so well with the party planners. The event was a fashion show after-party at New York City’s Red Bull Space. Foxy showed up minutes before the event closed, at 1:20 AM the next day (February 17th) completely intoxicated.

Foxy then locked herself in one of the restrooms and refused to come out. She was physically removed by a security guard and escorted off the premises.

I don't EVEN have time to be creative with this. I'm gonna start slapping these posts about The Truly Outrageous World of Inga Marchand up with about as much care and consideration as she shows toward her eyeliner.

Anyway, the crowning jewel of the evening, according to MissJia, was this:

Get. Your. Glamour. Shots. AWWWWWWNNNN!

This is all pretty rote - predictable and mechanical, you know, sorta like Rihanna's stage performances always being a chop. But what IS interesting is the notion of Foxy having a paying job and just who was ready to throw some coins on the table for a "performance" almost certain to start with Henny and end before a magistrate?

Well, wondering just what this Indashio was and whether s/he was on the same yayo as The Fox, I did a little sniffing around. I discovered a web site and pix that were quite ovah.

But like all coonery, the shazzam finally set in in the form of an "About Indashio" page that set me wayyyy back in my effort to stop coonin' and get my day started.

Celebrities that adore INDASHIO include Amber Rose, Aubrey O'day, Amerie, Amanda Lepore, Christina Milian, Eve, Kat De Luna, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Lindsey Wixson, Lil'Kim, Nicky Hilton, Patricia Field, Sessilee Lopez, Selita Ebanks, Shontelle, Theodora Richards, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Carlton, Vivica Fox to name a few.


Come get your stuff and don't call me. No mo.

CNN reports on black women and natural hair "trend" at Bronner Bros. show

Mmmmhmmm. THEM Bronner Bros.

Well it's official - natural hair has arrived! CNN said so! And the Bronner Bros. told them, so you KNOW it's as official as Oprah's thighs. I'm just sayin' what would we do if CNN didn't keep us in the know about the hottest, latest trends? I just read their piece on Kid-n-Play - it's hot shit!

Bronner Bros. show highlights natural hair

Someone keep my epinephrine pen on hand; I feel a few seizures coming on. Consider yourself blessed that I'm sparing you the slide show. The article is set at the Bronner Bros. latest coon-out (be EXTRA glad you were spared THAT) where apparently, naps had a cameo appearance:

... going natural, say several stylists and experts, is making a comeback.
There were education sessions for women who were curious about styling their natural curls in courses titled "Innovative Styling for Natural and Locked Hair" and "The Art of Natural Hair."
Several booths featured organic shampoos and styling tools for customers, many of whom stopped using chemical products after experiencing negative side effects such as hair loss or burns. Bronner Bros. is a family-owned black hair care product empire based in Marietta, Georgia.

This is why I love when CNN gets all "ethnic" with it. You see, to the common observer, it might seem like they're as late as a pair of all-red KSwiss and a Gumby (You rocked it ALL, don't try it). But an esteemed journalist such as myself can see that this is REALLY a very sophisticated news delivery mechanism in which CNN manages to beat the competition by posting the news AFTER it's already been news.

Ahhhhhhhhhh! Catch the elevator - they're on the next level boo!

Last year, young music star Willow Smith, daughter of musician-actor Will Smith and actress Jada Pinkett-Smith, debuted with the colorful, hair-tossing song "Whip My Hair," which encourages young girls to embrace their who they are -- and their manes.

See there. Yet again, they are breaking it all the way down. See, YOUR ignorant ass thought "Whip My Hair" was actually a part of Jada's continued plot for dramatic femmequeen dominance in the gay male ball scene. WRONG! It was an uplifting message about embracing your natural self, jauntily delivered by a 9 year old with a mohawk that tickles the top of her calves (when-I-take-the-pins-out-my-hair-drops-down-to-my-ass game proper). And it's funny because that's her natural hair. Yes. It is.

I loved this article when ______ wrote it back in _____.

I predict CNN will soon be covering the hell out of the breaking trend of rap music and name earrings.

You don't know n'aer news organization....

Songs in the key of fuggery: Egyptian man names child Facebook

Allah take the whee... you know what. Nevermind. *tosses sand into the air*

Huffington Post

No need to tell me - you didn't pay attention in Dimwali and your GED course didn't include Arab, so you have no idea what this sign says. Here's a clue: He's not asking you to visit his page.

No. He's ruining his child's life. One letter at a time.

From Tech Crunch:

A young man in his twenties wanted to express his gratitude about the victories the youth of 25th of January have achieved and chose to express it in the form of naming his firstborn girl "Facebook" Jamal Ibrahim (his name.) The girl's family, friends, and neighbors in the Ibrahimya region gathered around the new born to express their continuing support for the revolution that started on Facebook. "Facebook" received many gifts from the youth who were overjoyed by her arrival and the new name. A name [Facebook] that shocked the entire world.

And then there was this. I'm in a state of conflict, however, over this item. I mean, technically, Egypt IS in Africa. So under the traditional rules of the game, this DOES count as black folk fuckery. BUUUUUUUUUT, this guy seems Arab to me. And that means that The Browns would have to take ownership of this fine incident.

Either way, I think there's a brown baby somewhere whose first words will be along the lines of "Seriously though?"

The REAL joke is on the daddy: Facebook (pronounced in the vein of Sade and with a long AND short 'O' sound) happens to be the no. 1 name among black female babies born to ratchet mothers in Brooklyn this winter.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Kosher beef between two rappers - Drake and other Jew rapper fighting about being Jewish enough

From CNN

Why won't people just let me live in peace? I'm busy providing for my family of nonopulets on the pole, slangin' this dope, hatin' on hoes and offering 'round the clock coverage of LilKimPocolypse and ninjas wanna toss THIS in there?

Meanwhile, I don't understand why Drake's completely Lil Wayne doppelganger routine goes unchecked. I mean, can I TELL you how many times I said "Awwww yeah boeeeeey that Wayne jawn is fire" only to find out it was Schlomo, or whatever this ninja is calling himself?

Whatever. Who got beef???

From CNN:
In a new interview with TMZ, reggae rapper Matisyahu disses Drake as not being true to his roots.
"He's Jewish, but he's not representing Judaism," says the artist formerly known as Matthew Paul Miller.

Please don't let this devolve to a yarmulke-off.

"He happens to be Jewish, just like Bob Dylan happens to be Jewish, just like anyone happens to be Jewish. What I'm doing is really tapping into my roots and culture and trying to blend that with mainstream society and culture. So his being Jewish is just a byproduct, really. He's not representing that."

Hayle yeah son. He ain't representin' them streets mane. What he know about standing on them Brooklyn corners at 5 a.m., pushin' them dreidels so Nana can have some matza on the table????? What he know about having to celebrate Hannukah on Riker's Island????

While it appears Matisyahu may not be down with Drake's Jewishness, he does admit that he admires his talent.
"Drake is pretty good, man. He's got his thing but it's different than what I do. It's a different type of thing. As an MC, he's got me," he told TMZ. But he adds, "He doesn't have the reggae thing that I've got."

ERRRRRP. Wait a second. Did you just do a backup and U-turn it? Was this a bit of a stunt? *cancel the Hasidic lynch mob*

Replace with sad banana face.

Maryland lawmakers honor Chuck Brown, play go go music in Statehouse. No seriously.

'Cause that's how it is, and that's how it's gonna be.

Maryland, my Maryland. The Beiges had NO idea what they were doing when they UPS'd the Children of the Sun to your shores so wantonly. 400 years later, this type of shat unfolds with abandon:

Lawmakers Bust Loose With Chuck Brown (That headline alone deserves a choke slam):

On Friday, the Maryland General Assembly honored Chuck Brown, the godfather and creator of Go Go in the United States. WBAL-TV 11 News reporter David Collins said some lawmakers danced while some of Brown's music was played.


*Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, wit a parched texturizer on my dome and a pair of Stacy Adams shoes on my feet*

Now I love and respect our ancient and rapidly vanishing negroes and I believe we should make every effort possible to preserve them before they are but a memory. However, I'm just wondering about the scene in the statehouse when this was poppin' off. Delegates doing the heehaw? Lawmakers puttin' it in the pocket? Were congos involved? If there is a God, please tell me there were half smokes and deviled eggs.

But it gets better!

Brown donned a leather suit and snake-skin boots with metal tips along with his trademark glasses and wide-brimmed hat.

There was a picture of him standing in said shoes on the statehouse floor, but I love you all too much to post that.

Instead, I'll leave you with a selection from the Chuck Brown Don Diva Style Files and encourage your mind to run free with the remaining potentialies of Friday's coon show down.

My soul feels exactly like that shirt looks.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Waka Flaka Flame Press Conference (niggatry confirmed...)

I will encourage you to skip ahead to minute four where she explains that the bus was not "shooten."

The verbage to address this hot mess of a "press conference" escapes me at this moment.

So I will resort to a picture to express my emotions.

I miss the days when people's bangee moms would pop out the baby, get the check and do the slow fade into the background. PS: How are you refering to the child you birthed by his rap name? Even Thugnificent mama called him Otis Jenkins.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Hostile Negress Defines: Blackout (When A Negress Is Fed Up!)

BLACKOUT: The inevitable moment in a black, African-American, negro, person-of-color's life in which a person (often beige) crosses The Line, resulting in an epic ass-whooping, a string of profanity or some other profoundly uncomfortable moment of cultural dissonance typically ending with somebody's wig on sideways. So-called due to the verbal action of "blacking out" as well as the noun-like action of "blacking out" - as in passing out and awakening to find oneself clutching some errant batch's scalp.

Also refered to by some as a "nigga moment"

Examples -
Taquisha: Girl what happened between you and Megan? I noticed those endless nostril flares you've been giving her today.
Shante: Girl BYE, that batch raised her voice at me, tal'm 'bout, "Why isn't the coffee hot?" I blacked the FUG out on her, windmillin' all the way, or so they tell me. I just know she won't look me in the eye and I suddenly have a new brooch."

Situations that can lead to blackouts:
-Asking to touch a negress' hair
-Asking a negress to brush your hair
-Giving a negress the side eye

This was brought to you by the letter H. For hostile. But you knew that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Man accidentally kills wife (after he wrote a letter about killing her) behind STD

I'm gonna spare you the suspense and say from the jump:

Dude didn't have The Clap after all.

florida evans damn damn damn gif Pictures, Images and Photos

From The Baltimore Sun:
Four days before Cleaven L. Williams Jr. stabbed his wife seven times on a Baltimore street, he wrote a letter outlining plans to kill her, according to testimony he gave in court Monday.

"I figured that I had a [sexually transmitted disease] and I contracted it from my wife," Williams said, explaining that he wrote the undelivered letter because he was upset. "I write a lot, that's my vent."

Ummmmm yeah. I write a lot too. Grocery lists. Journal entries. But in terms of writing letters about killing my (in)significant other for giving me The Clap, I've managed to keep those down to a minimum.

Williams is charged with murder in the death of his wife, Veronica Williams, who received a restraining order against him moments before he attacked her in front of several witnesses on North Avenue on Nov. 17, 2008. She died three days later.

Well damn. I mean. Damn!

He also acknowledged that he was the attacker, however, saying that when he came to, he saw that they were "both lying in the street. … I realized that I stabbed her."

Oh well then shit, this guy is totally innocent! Can I tell you how many times THAT actually has happened to me? I woke up in the middle of downtown Baltimore, near Lexington Market, covered in blood and realized I had stabbed quite a few people actually. Luckily, Saiontz and Kirk and them helped me out but sheesh, talk about a bad case of the Mondays!

PS: I'm gonna reckon that naming someone "Cleaven" is pretty much ensuring that sooner or later, they're gonna have an unfortunate knife-type incident.

James Brown dancin' lessons AKA JB says Fug you Hostile Negress!

Forgive me father for I have sinned!

In my last post - all of about 20 minutes ago - I implied that among his many transgressions (including the blatant abuse of male perm kits, an obvious disregard for abdominal sculpting and an attitude toward plunging male necklines and man cleavage that can only be described as completely immoral) the man couldn't dance.

Indeed, I have until now considered James Brown the master of the shuffle-foot-shazzam, a move any child (or senior citizen) can conjure up when they need to pee OR which any random project dweller has had to perfect in times of a roach blitzreig.

But this video, this piece of visual platinum, has straightened me right the fuck out. *snatches back the curtain*

I am literally speechless. I mean. Did you SEE his pelvis? I mean did YOU SEE IT? That man could deliver a baby easy. Them's baby-deliverin hips.

And that Camelwalk. Between the those spandex-ass pants (I can see the outline of his pubes I swear) his glistening man tits and the shear unmitigated hot dripping sex on a platter that is called The Camelwalk, I stand utterly dumbfounded and corrected.

If I whip out that Camelwalk, draws is comin' AWWWWF ya heard?

I salute thee James Brown. And your hips.

*Softly collapses into fresh snow, as blood pours from my neck and lotus blossoms gently fall onto my slain body.*

Al Sharpton turns down Dancing With The Stars - Again (All kinds of shat wrong with this)

From TMZ:

Rev. Al Sharpton just turned down ANOTHER offer to join "Dancing with the Stars" ... but not because he's scared of the competition -- in fact, Al insists, "I've got moves ... I'D BLOW 'EM OUT!!"


I mean, I guess I never figured this dude for doing a mean G5 or crankin' dat solja boy or tearing it up on the "Hit Dat Hoe" so I had no idea he was being heavily courted by DWTS which, btw, I consider the dumbest shat ever. I don't care if Master P can dance! I wanna know when I'm gonna get more Mama Mia beats! (that was low) Anywho, there's video to allegedly prove Sharpton's James Brownesque skills.

At the risk of having the remaining corner of my black African-American negro of color membership card immediately shredded I'm gonna go ahead and say that I have never, EVER understood the obsession with James Brown dancing.

Seem like he's just shuffling his feet to me! Hell I can slide around in some hard bottoms - did that shat at Shoppers Food Warehouse the other day!


Monday, February 14, 2011

The Hostile Negress Speaks IV: Why I got to have mesothelioma though???

My pisstivity having reached levels not seen since your cousins from the Congo realized they were indeed NOT going on a three-hour tour, I went ahead and hooked up a Hostile Negress Speaks for y'all fine folks.

Douse it behind your ears and all that.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

VH1 show featuring *cough* Jim Jones battles with Baltimore Inmate Wives for settin' back the race dominance

I'm gonna put down my goblet of cranapple and level with you: I had zero intention of posting a daaaaaamn thing this evern, especially since I see that certain ungrateful negreaux (this means you man in the mirror) fall way off when a sistah isn't supplying you with a continuous stream of coonanigans.

Mmmmhmmm. 75 hits when I conjure up tails of weaves gone wrong. And one hit when a batch takes a nap. Shat like this is why I'm joining the Klan.

But 'tis Black History Month. And I have duties to find gems of fuggery for the masses. It just so happens that today, care of Miss Jia and my fave Crunk and Disorderly booka Freshalina, I have happened upon a trove indeed.

Now, and I remember when there used to be something called scripted TV. But nowadays all it takes is a wonk eye and a bad quick weave (hey NeNe!) and you're a "star." And THAT is precisely what's to blame for Baltimore Inmate Housewives. And I swear to Big Baby Osiris Jesus that I wish I made this up.

I ABSOLUTELY demand that you direct your eyes to the background ambiance. Did someone just empty their purse everywhere in that house? It smells like catfish and coconut hairgrease in there. That's not an interrogative - I'm presenting that as a solid, verified statement.

Not to be outdone by the likes of Charm City, VH1 is polishign off some elite jungleboogie fuckery - and you KNOW it's real when Mashonda AND Olivia are involved.

I almost peed - did this heaux just ask Jim "Keep soap alive" Jones to marry her? Jim "15'oclock Shadow" Jones? Jim "Bump be gone ain't do shat for my throat" Jones?? THAT NIG????

I refuse to address his basso profundo-voiced moms besides saying that I want to see her, Frankie and Alan Iverson's mama in a cage match IMMEDIATELY.

Negrodamus told me that this will be the most outrageous February yet. And if this continues, I may end the month in adult diapers.

Don't judge. They'll be kente cloth.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tyler Perry's latest missive against the Negreaux AKA More Madea!

And this is why we as a people can't get ahead.

At some point, the estate of Weezy Jefferson is gonna want some guap for the repeated and unauthorized use of her figure for this character. Real talk.

Now, having met Mr. Perry, far be it from me to imply that the man is gay. Sure he spends a LOT of time in dresses. Don't we all? Sure, he seems to enjoy donning fake breasts with some level of frequency. Don't we all?

His transgression is not being a closeted rainbow tribal priest (closeted used lightly...) No, his transgression is being a purveyor of monkey antics.

But hell, with the Wayans brothers out of commission, somebody's gotta do it.

Will you see another Madea film? I mean, I'm there no doubt. But I'm just askin what YOUR plans are!

*harlem shakin' That's why there's Madea! That's why there's Madeaaaaa!*

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Fried, dyed and laid to the side - A "because I can" moment

Tell the DJ bring it back.

No, you don't get any type of explainer on this shat. I'm posting this just because I'm an out of control negress who should never have been freed and certainly shouldn't have been given Interweb access.

I just want you to marinate in it.

Meagan Good wants to play Whitney Houston (Kleenex available)

From Necole Bitchie

Let me just come out of the closet in saying that I absolutely have stood by Meagan Good through all of her many, MANY fashion missteps, errant hairstyles and tragic "acting." Why? Because I believe in my heart that she is simply a bad, bad batch and will one day inherit my pancake goddess crown.

But this sheat right chea? I mean, when you start talking about wanting to play Whitney Houston in a biopic? I just about spit my bland ass McDonald's oatmeal out, Three Stooges style (side note: Don't buy that shat. Ever.)

From an upcoming Vibe interview care of Necole Bitchie:

I’m kind of coming to the acceptance that [playing Aaliyah] maybe that might not happen.

You know I'm gonna go ahead and stop right there. Because as much as I love that heau, Aliyah tweren't nobody to be dreaming of playing. Hell, the batch was only alive for 21 years and spent half of that being lambasted as R-Kelly's potentially cross eyed nutsac minder. REAL. TALK.

Oh but there's more.

Right now, I’m focused on doing Whitney Houston’s life story. That’s my personal dream role. I grew up with Ray J. I know a lot of people that know her. I think it’s something that can definitely be a realization should I sit down with her and start developing it. Even though I know her story’s definitely not done by any means, I think what she’s already been through and to come out on the other side is a story all in itself.

Girl stop the world's rotation right. this. INSTANT. Booming Wizard of Oz-like laugh.

And there you have it. Somewhere, someone truly let this child of god down. When your goal is to play Whitney Houston - a role that will almost certainly involve diving into a piling of white powder or falling head first from a stage, I mean, there's really nothing else that can be said.

No. No I'm not going to leave it at that. If Tatiana Ali can be resurrected from the depths of 1991 to have that tired ass "Look what I can do with Sony Vegas 9" TV show (show in airquotes) then we can get Megan a job.

Who will join me in this today? I'm talkin' full on - rallies, prayer circles and possibly heading down to Alabama for a march across the Pettus bridge. We can't allow this!

First they came for Chipotle and we said nothing. Then they came for Meagan Good and we said nothing. What's next?????

Put down those pig's feet and DO SOMETHING!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You TOO can smell like a Kardashodum!

They had me at "Available at Perfumania"

I have only one question: How is this a fragrance for both sexes? I was under the impression Lamar and that other guy were a same sex couple? I may bust up some shat if I find out I spent $80 on a ROYGBIV cake at Pastry Pizzazz for nothing!

*roll up the banners. Gay pride is canceled this year*

$20 says this smells like Rap Musk (don't EVEN act like you didn't spritz yourself with that shat in 1994) and printer ink, with the subtlest touch of olive juice.

PS: This ad made me want to stop having sex. Forever.

Bishop Magic Don Juan's church days exposed (please nail me to my cross now)

I can't do this shat no more but you can press play and have the soul of Kunta roused inside of you if you dare.

I am reminded of a time in my life, lo just about four years ago, when I found myself at what was ostensibly a gospel conference (clearly recruiting for the Prince of Darkness) and stumbled upon a treasure trove of church gear. Oh it was vests. Space hats. Cuff lanks (yes, with an a). Gators. Pocket squares. I almost shat right then and there, in the Majestic Hall of Church Coonery.

And still I held on. Until this. I suspect this fuggery was born of the early 80s, but nowadays, hell there ain't no tellin'. This could've popped off in a Macon Motel 6 last week.

I just want the sale of those fu-manchu robes to cease. THAT, dear readers, is what I believe is behind all this ministerial fragganacklery.

DC/VA/MD Chipotle chains facing illegal immigration investigation (arms being taken up as we speak!)

And the toilet paper industry wept.

Chipotle Facing Illegal-Immigration Crackdown

This ain't nothin' but that bullshit. Someone gets one understuffed burrito, ONE, and now Lupe and them gots to go back to Guatamala and where is THN left huh, HUH?

Without any effin veggie bowls, that's where!

Take in the outrage!

The Chipotle restaurant chain is the focus of the latest government crackdown on undocumented workers.

The Mexican-inspired grill has received U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) notices of inspection for all of its restaurants in the District of Columbia and Virginia.

The notices means Chipotle must prove all employees are eligible for employment in the U.S.

"We want employers to understand that the integrity of their employment records is just as important as their tax records," said an ICE spokesperson.

Look, Chipotle is doing a service here. I get chewy, moisty, deliciously seasoned meat and vegetables. Hipster music. Funky neo industrial atmosphere. Pom-cherry juice for Christ sakes. AND the cool clear cutlery - I'm real particular about my cutlery. Jesus gets $4.95 an hour or sumpin like that and he and his 15 roomates are able to live the American dream in Huntington.

This is a win-win for everybody!

This is the type of shit that reminds me why I'm hostile! Grab me my pitchfork and torch - this shat will NOT go unavenged! (I need to get a burrito on the way ...)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Hostile Negress Realness: Revenge is a dish best served cold. And spiked with arsenic.

"If you don't like a bitch, snatch her wig off and toss it in her lap" - Freshalina.

Words to live by. I'm gonna keep "nam yoho renge kyo"ing that particular phrase until the charges are dropped.

Being the clearly sweet, docile, loving and home-oriented smiling negress that I am, I'm sure that it might surprise my readers to realize that violence can and does occasionally besmirch my thoughts (otherwise typically dominated by thoughts of pancake recipes and fantasies of The Upper Room).

Indeed, from time to time, even I have thoughts of slappin' a bitch silly with a hot spatula.

One such time occured in August-ish 2008. I - then a nubile young thang still in the pangs of hope and believing that life could indeed, not suck - had recently decided to relocate to the home of all negro fuggery, Atlanta. Just prior, I was invited to join my circle of furrow-browed black women at a sushi dinner.

All was going well - drinks being poured, conversations percolating. And THAT is when IT happened: Some boulder headed whore who had been trying my patience with her askance comments all evening made the insinuation that my ex (more on that never nosey batches) had indeed made the right decision to kick THN to the curb.

I stepped outside. I had a chat with a friend. I composed myself, lest I draw attention and the slave catchers find me.

And yet to this day I can't help but think


Rewinding yet further to 1994. THN is an innocent young waif, not yet hardened to the world and still not sharp of tongue (that wouldn't happen for at least another year...). I have recently transfered from private school (translation: Becca books, girls and boys buses and a LOT of puppetry) to public school. *cue Gangsta's Paradise theme*

After a few unfortunate incidents involving multi-colored shirts, yours truly was roundly tossed into the reject pile where the harassment commenced immediately. One, a fairly husky air compressor of a girl took special care in harassing me; in hindsight, I'm sure she was only lashing out in reaction to her anemic ponytail and tragic case of 8th grade jowls. Regardless - she harassed me, there was a fight, and THN lost.

And all these years later I still think to myself

I think I promised a question with this post - and if I didn't, fug it, I'm promising one now. How long do you hold a grudge?

As for me and mine, well I'm over 8th grade Boss Hog. If her middle-aged, middle school figure was any indication, the ravages of time have hooked her up pretttttty good.

But as for that other heffer, I'll be tossing a fruity cocktail in her face sometime this year I'm sure - cherry included.

Productive, no. Satisfying? Hells, yes.

PS: No seriosuly, I'mma get you batch!

Fashion police moving violation #236: And I have no words for this

Stop. Pause. Quit.

Whatever you were doing can wait. Now is the time for you to bow down and acknowledge the majesty that is Nikki Minaj in her triple decker, Spanx approved high waisters (Form. Fit. Fuckery) with the Lingerie by Rainbow Honeymoon Delights bra. (Side note: I feel so bad for any tittay that ever has to wriggle into one of those awful ass Rainbow bras - you know, the ones that hang so pitifully near the "If you like Cool Water, you'll love Lukewarm Punch" display. I'm 90 percent certain they all smell like wet cardboard)

If this wasn't before 1993, everybody involved is going straight to hell, and I mean on a bullet train, TODAY.

I'm not blind dear readers. I see that "other" entity in the picture. However, my retina pigmentosa - not to mention my latent aneurysm - are both bound to be activated by any attempts to explain that loveseat ass and those Carnival Cruise pants.

See there, now my ears are ringing. I told you I couldn't talk about this shit today.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Method Man hates your naps, and other fuggery that mattered mostly in 1996 or so

This just in: Method Man doesn't fug with your nappy headed ass.

I'm still picking up the pieces.

Ain't this cat like, 42? I'm concerned that he won't become a deacon at this rate...

A storybook romance: Shaq meet Hoops! (ointment please...)

From Necole Bitchie

I'm gonna give you a few moments to compose yourself.

Then I'll just hop out on a limb and say you have to be one rattlesnake of a nasty hoe to consider having sex with Shaquille O'Neal as a full-time or even part time, or even semi-quarterly vocation. I mean, the man's femur is the size of your spine. He has boogers the size of crepes. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, but suffice it to say, if you value your womb and fallopian situation - and perhaps even your kidney scenario - this is NOT a good look.

Then again, Hoopz is probably time enough for him in the bulky uterus department.

Let me tell it, this "woman" gives far to much Arab man tea for me to accept her XX status. But that's neither here nor there. I'd like to go ahead and give a shout out to Flavor Flav for transforming her into the world-renowned celebrity she has become. I know her career will amount to more than pogo stick rides soon. I feels it in my bones. Now if only she can stop lookin' like Mumrah...

Though I can hear you sniffling into your grammy's handkerchief behind that photo alone (the knuckles will set. you. FREE.) I'm gonna have to ask that you take just one more step into the light and review their "meeting" as told to The Boston Globe, which is clearly hanging on by a thread more slender than Teyanna Taylor's odds at a non porn-related career lately:

Hoopz, 28 (STOP) met the 38 year old Diesel (who is almost 2 feet taller than her) numerous times while on the scene ("on the scene" Girl I guess). It wasn’t until she was visiting a photographer friend in St. Louis that she saw an autographed poster of Shaq on his wall. She mentioned to her friend that she had met him a few times and that friend texted Shaq and told him Hoopz said “Hi” (Translation: Hoopz said remember Cancun?). Shaq immediately texted back and asked him if she had a boyfriend and the friendship began from there.

I for one am always impressed by tales of oral sex turned storybook romance. It continues:

Their first date was in Las Vegas (the two were in town for two separate events) and they immediately hit it off. “I knew he was a goofball. We’re the same. We’re both goofballs.’’ He then visited her home turf of Tennessee (where she had moved with her last boyfriend before they split) and the two went fishing, visited the Waffle House and she made him listen to her favorite musicians like Brad Paisley and Taylor Swift.

Is it me or does this ho keep a suitcase packed by the door? Girl don't hate - you better be ready to make that move to Albuquerque if the money's right.

It was a culture shock for Shaq but it ended well and solidified his relationship with Hoopz who made turkey for his mom and three kids on Thanksgiving and ran around Boston with Shaq dressed as a pimp on Halloween. Shaq describes Hoopz as his “first male best friend besides my mother”.

First male best friend, besides my mother? *tosses University of Maryland degree into flames* clearly I didn't go to the right school because that made zero sense to me. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you will NOT drag the name of Waffle House into this.

Jaysus told me from the other side that this tragedy will be taken up on judgment day. For now, I just want Shaq to hit those harsh lookin' knuckles with a double shot of shea butter, so my heart can go on.

You ARE the father! - A Maury moment

Of all the endless thoughts that typically bombard me whilst watching Basketball Wives (ie. How did the One of Jagged Tooth land herself a high earner and yet, still no corrective canine filing; what IS that trying to erupt from Eric William's head...) one thought has increasingly tugged at the Hostile Negress's sleeve:

There is a bonafide Maury moment unfolding every time those celebrity skeet catchers glide across the screen. I needn't go into deep explainers. The photos will say it all.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

(far right- as though you needed guidance)

In the words of Yung Joc, I knoooooooooow you seee it....

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

RHOA wedding vs. Five Heartbeats (Nights like this, I wishhhhh raindrops would fallll!)

Bill Bojangles wants to be the first to welcome you to Black History Month - the most wonderful time of the year. Ready yourself and your kin for at least three TV One Good Times-a-thons, heighened BET fuggery, spontaneous Electric Slide flash mobs and generic coon spectacles erupting in a chocolate city near you.


While this joyous, monthlong step into darkness will certainly be a special time of celebration for the Hostile Negress, I would be remiss to overlook other pressing issues, and by that I mean resident ATL weave felon Housewife Cynthia Bailey's nuptials this past Sunday.

Nevermind her all silver ery'thang treetopper dress or the requisite weave shenanigans (10 watermelon blow pops and a fish sammich to anyone who can clarify why her weave was extensively curled only to be pulled into a mammy chignon at the last minute - almost certainly by Uncle Ben's request). We won't get into why Peter and everybody involved in this setup was gone off that Patron long before the "I Do's" were exchanged.

I'm willing even to overlook the not quite sureptitious efforts of mama 'nem to thwart the nuptials by "misplacing" the marriage certificate.

But I will NOT, NOT, NOT overlook the inclusion of Leon in the show.

*cools self with fan featuring image of Mahalia Jackson staring skyward* I said wasn't gonna teeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll nobodddddyyyyyy! But fuck it - I need to know:

WHAT IN THE HAYLE WAS GOING ON IN CYNTHIA'S LIFE WHEN SHE HOOKED UP WITH LEON? And just HOW did Bravo think they would slip him in there on the okey doke?

Mmmmhmmm, I saw you. I half expected him to rip off his coat and start singing nights like this, I wish raindrops would fall in an ratty old 1970s body suit. (best. part. ever.)

Now I know there are those of you cheap hoe bags lovelorn ladies who have expressed a love for this Five Heartbeats staple. And it is to you I ask: WHAT IN THE HAYLE ARE YOU SEEING IN THE BELL PEPPER NOSE THAT I AM NOT?

Please break this down for me. Because when I look at this man all I can see is a broad left mortgaging her house to cover excessive costs of Kleenex and chapstick.

I need comprehensive answers on this matter - and on why that poor baby of their'n gotta have the same jack-o-lantern nose as her daddy. (There is no God.)

Well in the end, at least Leon got a little screen time since 1991...