Tuesday, February 1, 2011

RHOA wedding vs. Five Heartbeats (Nights like this, I wishhhhh raindrops would fallll!)

Bill Bojangles wants to be the first to welcome you to Black History Month - the most wonderful time of the year. Ready yourself and your kin for at least three TV One Good Times-a-thons, heighened BET fuggery, spontaneous Electric Slide flash mobs and generic coon spectacles erupting in a chocolate city near you.


While this joyous, monthlong step into darkness will certainly be a special time of celebration for the Hostile Negress, I would be remiss to overlook other pressing issues, and by that I mean resident ATL weave felon Housewife Cynthia Bailey's nuptials this past Sunday.

Nevermind her all silver ery'thang treetopper dress or the requisite weave shenanigans (10 watermelon blow pops and a fish sammich to anyone who can clarify why her weave was extensively curled only to be pulled into a mammy chignon at the last minute - almost certainly by Uncle Ben's request). We won't get into why Peter and everybody involved in this setup was gone off that Patron long before the "I Do's" were exchanged.

I'm willing even to overlook the not quite sureptitious efforts of mama 'nem to thwart the nuptials by "misplacing" the marriage certificate.

But I will NOT, NOT, NOT overlook the inclusion of Leon in the show.

*cools self with fan featuring image of Mahalia Jackson staring skyward* I said wasn't gonna teeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll nobodddddyyyyyy! But fuck it - I need to know:

WHAT IN THE HAYLE WAS GOING ON IN CYNTHIA'S LIFE WHEN SHE HOOKED UP WITH LEON? And just HOW did Bravo think they would slip him in there on the okey doke?

Mmmmhmmm, I saw you. I half expected him to rip off his coat and start singing nights like this, I wish raindrops would fall in an ratty old 1970s body suit. (best. part. ever.)

Now I know there are those of you cheap hoe bags lovelorn ladies who have expressed a love for this Five Heartbeats staple. And it is to you I ask: WHAT IN THE HAYLE ARE YOU SEEING IN THE BELL PEPPER NOSE THAT I AM NOT?

Please break this down for me. Because when I look at this man all I can see is a broad left mortgaging her house to cover excessive costs of Kleenex and chapstick.

I need comprehensive answers on this matter - and on why that poor baby of their'n gotta have the same jack-o-lantern nose as her daddy. (There is no God.)

Well in the end, at least Leon got a little screen time since 1991...


  1. Leon appeared in an earlier episode of the show. and he didn't sing "Nights Like This," in the ratty suit. That was Eddie Kane, Jr. Come on. You better than that.

  2. Leon did not sing it indeed - but you know what? Him and that other nagro look exactly alike. So I'm gonna roll with it!