Friday, February 4, 2011

A storybook romance: Shaq meet Hoops! (ointment please...)

From Necole Bitchie

I'm gonna give you a few moments to compose yourself.

Then I'll just hop out on a limb and say you have to be one rattlesnake of a nasty hoe to consider having sex with Shaquille O'Neal as a full-time or even part time, or even semi-quarterly vocation. I mean, the man's femur is the size of your spine. He has boogers the size of crepes. I'll leave the rest to your imagination, but suffice it to say, if you value your womb and fallopian situation - and perhaps even your kidney scenario - this is NOT a good look.

Then again, Hoopz is probably time enough for him in the bulky uterus department.

Let me tell it, this "woman" gives far to much Arab man tea for me to accept her XX status. But that's neither here nor there. I'd like to go ahead and give a shout out to Flavor Flav for transforming her into the world-renowned celebrity she has become. I know her career will amount to more than pogo stick rides soon. I feels it in my bones. Now if only she can stop lookin' like Mumrah...

Though I can hear you sniffling into your grammy's handkerchief behind that photo alone (the knuckles will set. you. FREE.) I'm gonna have to ask that you take just one more step into the light and review their "meeting" as told to The Boston Globe, which is clearly hanging on by a thread more slender than Teyanna Taylor's odds at a non porn-related career lately:

Hoopz, 28 (STOP) met the 38 year old Diesel (who is almost 2 feet taller than her) numerous times while on the scene ("on the scene" Girl I guess). It wasn’t until she was visiting a photographer friend in St. Louis that she saw an autographed poster of Shaq on his wall. She mentioned to her friend that she had met him a few times and that friend texted Shaq and told him Hoopz said “Hi” (Translation: Hoopz said remember Cancun?). Shaq immediately texted back and asked him if she had a boyfriend and the friendship began from there.

I for one am always impressed by tales of oral sex turned storybook romance. It continues:

Their first date was in Las Vegas (the two were in town for two separate events) and they immediately hit it off. “I knew he was a goofball. We’re the same. We’re both goofballs.’’ He then visited her home turf of Tennessee (where she had moved with her last boyfriend before they split) and the two went fishing, visited the Waffle House and she made him listen to her favorite musicians like Brad Paisley and Taylor Swift.

Is it me or does this ho keep a suitcase packed by the door? Girl don't hate - you better be ready to make that move to Albuquerque if the money's right.

It was a culture shock for Shaq but it ended well and solidified his relationship with Hoopz who made turkey for his mom and three kids on Thanksgiving and ran around Boston with Shaq dressed as a pimp on Halloween. Shaq describes Hoopz as his “first male best friend besides my mother”.

First male best friend, besides my mother? *tosses University of Maryland degree into flames* clearly I didn't go to the right school because that made zero sense to me. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you will NOT drag the name of Waffle House into this.

Jaysus told me from the other side that this tragedy will be taken up on judgment day. For now, I just want Shaq to hit those harsh lookin' knuckles with a double shot of shea butter, so my heart can go on.

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