Video Inside: Church Stabbing

Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)

WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.




Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.

Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!

Of Faith and Fuggery: Black Florida Politician says Slavery Was A Blessing

Billy Blanks, this is NOT how you come out of the closet.


If a picture is truly worth a thousand words, scream “Magenta!” about 80 dozen times and you’ll have this portrait about summed up. I could go further in on her day glo, all booberry-erythang blush/lip game, but fuck it. I see your Fashion Fair spokesmodel halo boo!

In case you were wondering – and if you have a normal functioning sex drive, you DEFINITELY were - this splendiferous sampling of southern ladyhood is Kimberly Daniels - a Florida minister, self-acclaimed “demon buster” and if I don’t miss my guess, vagina enthusiast *pearl clutch* who is currently running for city council in Jacksonville, Fla.

So you’re thinking, OK THN – other than favoring Billy Blanks with a six-piece Remy “Oprah” weave and Marge Simpson’s suit from that one episode where she changed clothes, what is this woman’s claim to fuggery fame?

THIS!

From The Huffington Post:

Perhaps, the most shocking quote from Daniels, who is African American, came when she portrayed slavery as a heavenly gift.
“I thank God for slavery," preached Daniels, in a sermon that was captured on video. "If it wasn't for slavery, I might be somewhere in Africa worshiping a tree."

Now see, that’s where you’re wrong. You would be a kang in Africa! Doesn’t she see how well they treated Muhammed Ali – a man with whom she shares exact physical dimensions? She could pass herself off as his seed and score a double-wide hut with central fanning and wall-to-wall mud floors faster than you can say chiseled jawline. Shit, she looks just Henry Cele, the actor from the old Shaka Zulu movie. You’d better get on over there and claim your 50 virgin wives girl!

Apparently this isn’t her first fuggery foray:

"I do not buy candy during the Halloween season," Daniels told Charisma magazine on October 27, 2009. "Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door-to-door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons can't tell the difference."

Well now on this, I must agree: Curses DEFINITELY travel through Tootsie Rolls. I’ve spent one too many nights undergoing intense Quilted Northern therapy to dispute that much!

It would seem the voters have had some demonic Butterfinger run ins too: HuffPo reports that on March 17th she received 43-percent of the vote and forced a May 17th run off with Republican David Taylor.

If that don’t be all.

Well, the good news is that, given Florida’s longstanding status as a top producer of fuckery, her election could do nothing to worsen the state’s sitcheeation.

ASHAY!

The bad news: If they don’t at least get this firewood choppin’ batch to cast off the demon of ProBuild 3000 – with which she is so CLEARLY waging a losing battle - a ‘roid rage incident is bound to occur in the council chambers.

And if her Marine-sized guns are any indication, domes will get cracked, chairs flipped and the overall environment will go Vibe Awards REAL quick.

She Hulk game proper!



You see it.

You Tried It: Nicki Minaj Covers Elle (Her Cakes Decline to Appear!)

You’ll never get to heaven with these sorts of stunts.

From HipHopWorld.com:

Minaj, usually known for her colorful wigs and bright makeup, is featured in Elle's Music Issue' as one of their “Gold Dust Women.” (I REFUSE to SEE that - THN)
As previously reported, the issue also features Jennifer Hudson, Aretha Franklin (YASSSS!) and Willow Smith speaking on their taste in music and own personal style.
In Nicki's spread she dons jet black liner, a simple black wig and designer pieces, a far cry from what her fans are used to.

Sooooo, riddle me this: Tweren’t the booty cheeks of Miss Nicki “Cakes-o-Plenty” Minaj JUST doubling as a moonbounce at the carnival last weekend?

Didn’t she hip-check Japan and cause 7.2 magnitude destruction for the entire nation like, LAST WEEK?

In other words, wasn’t she juuuuuust lookin’ like a 15-scoop sundae??? Sort of like this:


(I’m not here to talk about anybody’s stripper-going-to-the-library outfit, so I’ll just toss her a Snuggi and put this on my intensive prayer therapy list…)


Aaaaaaaand now you’re looking like a sample size 00? I know Elle is behind this – white fashion overlords won’t let Nicki’s Booty Pop ever fully be great! Now I don't live in an alternative universe - I know that many of our musical angels rely on the photoshop diet to fix Mother Nature's handiwork (not you Fantasia - I know that's ALL your jelly...).

But going from Amber Rose to Giselle Bundchen????

Girl, I. DO. NOT.

*hurls flaming butt pads at computer*

Logging off.

The Hostile Negress Fashion Ministry Presents: Easter's Finest

Easter is a comin' and if I know my audience like I KNOW my audience, you're all good, Christian, church-goin' folks.

*raises hands to the sky and shouts * EYEEEEAH GLORY!!!!!!

We all know Easter means just one thing - well maybe a few things something to do with blood of the lamb and resurrection or some jazz - but PRIMARILY one thing: Church. Fashion.



Halleleuuuuujah!


Well we here at THN like to take care of our audience. You don't think I would have you falling up in the pews of Ebenezer Holy Ghost Touched By An Angel Bethanny Bible Holy Gospel Trinity AME lookin' a hot steamy mess do you? No - my soul won't allow it!I put my Fashion Ministry on the case and dug up some looks for you (call me at 424-555-2033-30303 for deets)

You don't have to thank me - I do it for the love of the game:



Killin' 'em oh so softly with the lavendar...


Better yet the magenta (all magenta ERYTHANG game proper...)


Shittin' on these batches from high above...


...and layin' batches down low with the hat game! (Cicely Tyson stand BACK.)

And last but not least, I'm gonna toss a little bonus in there for ya:


BLAM!

Ok, that last one was just some seedy tea I tossed in there because I'm a pure bastard in my heart. But I promise if one of you all shows up to Easter services with Patra's old errand-running braid wig on, I will drop and give you 50 ON THE SPOT.

In the interim between now and THAT particular episode, feel free to call me about any of the above fashions, and make sure to work on your calesthenics in preparation for the annual aisle dance.

EYEEEEEAHHH GLORY!

Gaddafi is runway ready - and so is Mandela (please bury me facing due west...)

YOU. DO. NOT. WANT. NONE.

Can we PLEASE set aside our morning muffin tops and international shade to embrace the stunning optical glory that is Muammar Gadaffi?

I mean, sure, from my understanding, this gentlesquire may have been involved with some type of chicanary of the dictatorship sort. Haven’t we ALL?

And yes, there may be a few thousand deaths or tortures or disembowelments or something that he’s loosely connected to. Aren’t we ALL?

But even Michelle Obama herself can’t deny the unwavering swag-magoria of this exquisite fashion horse.

Pale yellow inaugural ball gown my chafed ass – what does SHE know about that nite-glo purple, satin night sheet/throw that doubles as a couture monk’s robe, with the Eddie Murphy "Raw" pillbox hat to match?


TELL THE DJ BRANG IT BACK

Mother Gadaffi, the rest of the world may be aligned against you, but I know what's really going on - they can't take your fashion misfitry. So many times I too have fallen up in the club in my full length, Mmbaka Couture cape (with lion's mane hood) and Terminator shades only to hear these likes of Obama and the rest of these ignorant UN types keekeeing at my style. They can't take us girl, they can't. take. us.

Speaking of fashion, the negroes did THIS today:


(nobody will win in this scenario, I promise you)

From So Jones -

The Mandela Foundation is coming out with a clothing line. Named after Mandela’s inmate number at Robben Island Prison (oooof!) the 46664 Apparel Line was announced yesterday.
The profits from this project will help sustain the foundation’s charitable gifts and at the same time boost South Africa’s textile and clothing industry which has been in trouble for quite some time.

Is this what they call serendipity? I mean, I’ve been wracking my brain for months now on how I could pull off a 1993 African lollipop kid soccer player look (reminiscent of Arsenio Hall’s outfit in the morning exercise scene of “Coming to America”) in shades of ROYGBIV. If this comes with croquet mallots, summer 2011 is gonna be all the way turnt up on my end. (I predict this will be VERY popular at Capital Pride...)

Just out of curiousity, aren’t there some nations that Mandela and them need to be freeing or some people that need to be unoppressed or something?

Because all I’m seeing here is more opportunity for fashion oppression. Haven’t Africans been dressing badly long enough – don’t be offended dear reader, you know you have a Ntzake or a Kwaku or a Tesfaye in your life who won’t let that hard bottom shoe and sweat pants combo go softly into the night! (Don’t they set it AWF with a sweater… so 3008)

This is the biggest disappointment since my Lil Flip sneakers got lost in snail mail… AND my Jeezy snowman fanny pack was ruined in that freak “This Is It” wing sauce incident … AND I lost my AKOO tampon case at Six Flags.

Why won’t life let me be great???

(PS: With the entire cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as my witness, one day I too will be rich enough to afford to have my body reupholstered in head to toe suede.)