Friday, December 31, 2010

Foxy Brown diss album moved up! I know I'll be in line!


Please add that dress to our sick and shut in list.

Hot off the presses:

With the song still unheard, has learned that Foxy Brown is expected to release her Lil' Kim diss on another holiday - New Year's Day. The song is said to be called "U Ain't Ruff Enough," and features Lower East Side, New York emcee Rekage.

I don't know that there's anything else that needs to be said on that note.

I know what you're saying - I mean, after you recomposed yourself upon learning that Santa DOES exist after all, and readying a spot in your prized cassette tape tower for the Foxy Brown single you'll be coppin' from Waxie Maxie's tomorrow (I mean, hell, let's go ALL the way back in time...). You're thinking: THN never lets up on the Foxy Hound. Well you know what? You're right.

You may be a shiftless sofa jockey who wants nothing more than a pineapple soda and paternity results from Maury, but I am a serious journalist who is documenting one of the most important stories of our time - the loss of our historic hip hop scalawags.

Where's my Pulitzer?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Ice skating negress superstars UNITE!!! (pop the top for video...)

And what were YOU doing over the holidaze?! If it wasn't pop lock and droppin' on the icy dance floor, kill yourself.

The Blacks will take ANYTHING there. I blame Abraham Lincoln directly for this.

And you thought Willow locked it down. WRONG - until she's cuttin' it up on the ice in special fitted Chuck Taylor blades, tooted up Hooker Jr. butter cutter shorts and a unicorn mistress head piece, she really ain't that impressive.

Surya Bonaly is somewhere wiping a bar top and wondering what happened to her life.

Die whore - this is the FUTURE!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Woman uses sex toy to beat cop - and other tales to ruin Christmas dinner

A Lake County judge on Thursday issued a warrant for the arrest of a woman charged with attacking a Gurnee police officer with a sex toy.

Nevermind that this woman slightly resembles a shriveled peen.

There are times, my children, when I think I'm just gonna lay down and give up this struggle. Like, it's time for me to just go on to glory. And when the words "rigid, glass, feminine pleasure device" coincide in a story with the phrases "dine and dash" and "Joe's Crab Shack," I feel like it's time to electric slide into my casket and shut the door tight.

Bildsten reached into a dresser drawer for what the officer thought was money to pay her bill, but instead pulled out the “pleasure device” and charged toward the officer with the sex toy raised over her head, Patrick said.

I'm going to overlook the obvious concerns about, ahem, personal fluids and why this cop was fool enough to let her go in the drawer in the first place (I would have busted out with the shotty and blew him right on down, but I'm hostile so, you know...) and cut right to the question that I know is really rockin' your socks: Since WHEN did Joe's Crab Shack start sending cops to your door behind skipped bills? And moreover, is Red Lobster's following suit????

This apparent crackdown on seafood filchery could devastate the black community. The moral of the story, dear hearts, is that clam bakes and dungeness crab legs cost money and Phillip's ain't playin'.

Oh, and don't turn to dildoes for personal protection. (But I could've told you that...)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Fall back blacks! Secession fever spreads...

My 2011 wish: That CERTAIN folks (looking directly at you my white brother) just let things go. You imported The Blacks, they spread like kudzu and now one's in the Oval Office. It's over. Go make a bologna sammich and stop this nonsense before there's a reenactment of how Haiti was founded. And you KNOW how that turns out...

From The Root:

The Florida Secession Convention event is just one of many such spectacles planned over the next five years as the children of the Lost Cause revive ghosts of the Civil War. In Georgia they will re-enact the state's 1861 Secession Convention. Alabama will hold a mock swearing-in of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. People in Charleston, S.C., have organized a gala ball with period dress.

Don't you wish great granddaddy Rawls had just gone fishin' on that boat instead?

Insert hostile white folk antics in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Coonin'

Just in time for the holidays!!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Foxy Brown to release Lil Kim dis record. In other news: Entire world somehow teleported back to '97...

Now that your children have finished crying over the picture to my immediately left, care of Crunk and Disorderly...
From TheSource:

Looks like Lil Kim now has another female rapper to shake off. Foxy Brown is reportedly dropping a diss record toward Kim Christmas Eve. Set to be released at a holiday party held at Brooklyn’s Club Jelani, “Christmas Massacre” will address her problems with the Queen Bee. This wouldn’t be the first though. Foxy released a low-key diss track toward Lil Kim earlier this year entitled “Let Em Know,” where she went at Kim’s stint on “Dancing With The Stars.” She spits, “I’d rather be at a club at the bar than to disrespect my hood, you ‘Dancing With The Stars’/Nah, I’m in the hood taking chances with the Gods.’ Not sure how I feel about Foxy’s motives on this one. 50, what do you think?


Ok seriously? Like, seriously? I can think of about fifty-leven things Inga (aka Foxy Hound) should be doing besides issuing a dis record; most of them involve weave bond glue and an Ab Roller. But dissin' Lil Kim? You mean Lil Kim who currently looks about one nostril pinch from being a Jackson? You mean Lil Kim who is valiantly fighting a near fatal case of the "can't takes" brought on by the kaleidescope wigs and spasms of Nicki Minaj? Are we talking about THAT Lil Kim? Because I'm fairly certain that the both of these chicks became ghosts a few presidents ago.

It's like a race to the irrelevance finishline! You really should stop beefin' post menopause. I'm just saying.

PS: I just hope the track fairy leaves something under this young lady's (?) pillow real soon. The rabid Argentinean prostitute hair is a no go!

A Curious Case of the Cottles - Tameka that is... (TI is the KANG!!!!)

In case you all haven't noticed, it's been quiet 'round these parts this week. Mmmmhmmm, slower than Soldier Boy's record sales. Nobody really cuttin' the fool or actin' the monkey at all this week, though I'm sure T-Payne is somewhere cooking something coontastic up, likely involving a top hat and a Sambo figurine.

Anywho, with nothing else to present, I shall simply direct your fixed gaze to the love below. Behold Beauty! Don't take it all in at once!

Now put THAT in your Summer's Eve applicator!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Hostile Negress Speaks Ep. 2: When bad weaves happen to good people

Yes, your fantasy has come true - THN is back with commentary on why life should probably be cancelled this season.

Feel free to joyfully skip through a field barefoot tossing posies from a basket!

Last-minute stocking stuffer: "Subs" garter belt keeps saggy pants off the ground

Do. Not. Want. (Why the model gotta be black tho'???)

(Photo from

CNN Reports:

Feeling frustrated with your sagging pants? Trying to achieve the perfect level of sagginess without your jeans falling to the ground? Well, does Harlem inventor Andrew Lewis have just the product for you!

Introducing "Subs" -- part garter belt, part suspenders. Perhaps part genius. For only $29.95, you or your loved ones can avoid a wardrobe malfunction and "feel free," just like the strapping Subs model.

Pardon me while I die.

funny animated gif

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Realness: Have you ever told someone you just didn't like their ass?

"If ya don't like the batch, snatch her wig off and toss it in her lap!"

Though I wish I could, I can't take credit for the above spark of brilliance - that goes to Freshalina, maven of Crunk and Disorderly and an icon of fuggery that I can only aspire to. But isn't it so true??? If only we could solve all our problems that way.

On to the Friday Realness Question of the Day (presented at 9 a.m. sharp CPT, which is apparently 4 p.m. Eastern)

Have you ever just told someone you didn't like them - straight up, no chaser, to their face, Do. Not. Want??? How'd they respond?

I'll be waiting patiently for the hoard of commentors to send their responses (sarcaaaaasm).

Meanwhile, get on into the slow mo wig snatch. In. The. NAME.

(Of course normally I would use this as an excuse to post up the trans beauty queen getting her peluca snatched for the gods in Brazil somewhere by the world's most evil runner up *two snaps in a circle* but I'm saving that for a rainy day)

Vivica Fox wants babies! (and other miracles Jesus won't be performing )

I don't know about you, but I'll sleep better knowing that Vivica Fox's womb won't be lonely!

From Necole Bitchie:

Vivica A. Fox sat down with her homegirl Wendy Williams recently and discussed getting married in the near future. Her boyfriend Slim was there in the audience showing support. Although, Viv is 46 years old, she tells Wendy she still plans on having kids. Peep how the conversation went:

Is he a keeper, do you want to have a baby and get married?
Viv: Absolutely. I think my career has been my baby for such a long time and I’ve done well by that. Now, I waited for God to send me a good man and he’s a good southern man.

Do you still get full menstrual cycles?
Viv: Yes, you have to worry about that.

I think I speak for us all in saying:

Apply that to the question, the answer and the miracle of St. Assissi that would have to happen for anything but an errant barnacle to grow in Viv's petrified womb at this point.

She should just get a luxury purse. Babies are real last season.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Damn damn dammmmmmmmmmn: DMX gets a year

I was so busy pressing my edges, I didn't even notice we had another Negro soldier down.

DMX Gets One Year in Prison

(I will NOT talk about why his hair resembles the fur of a very well-loved teddy bear OR the James Evans hairline OR him suddenly being a Baby Boomer. You can't make me.)

Court officials in Arizona say the rapper known as DMX has had his probation revoked and is heading to prison for one year.
The Maricopa County Superior Court issued the ruling Thursday against the rapper, whose real name is Earl Simmons.

Is anybody seriously surprised by this? In addition to having caught the train to Irrelevancy Land years ago, he's obviously been divorced from his sanity since the '90s. You love him. You want a comeback. IT AIN'T HAPPENING. Negro's nuttier than a Whatchumacallit and deeply committed to Mission Self Destruct. Lauryn Hill syndrome. I might try it some day - it looks like fun, except for the whole becoming a mockery of your former self, losing your money and dying in pissy draws in a van down by the river in Cleveland part.

Former glory AKA "Can't nobody sang like Eddie Kane" game proper!

Think you gotta let it go - look like another (drug) TKO!

Long sigh: Brothers in Ohio Fight Over Chicken

Judge not lest ye be judged: Who among us hasn't thrown a bow over an extra crispy thigh?? Read this and find yourself quickly enraptured in a dramatic tale of family strife (spoiler: The mom and her trifling ways are COMPLETELY to blame for the stitches and short term memory loss this poultry pounding surely triggered...)

An Akron man suffered severe head injuries after police said he was attacked by his brother, who wielded a crowbar during a fight ignited over a half-eaten piece of fried chicken.
A warrant was issued Sunday for Tony Morris, 37, of Akron. He is charged with felonious assault, domestic violence and menacing. Police say they were called to a home on Wildwood Avenue where the men were visiting their mother Sunday afternoon. The brothers were watching TV in separate rooms when Thomas Morris, 41, said a piece of chicken was tossed in his direction.

OK I'm also guilty of tossing a half-eaten leg into a crowd before, you know, just to see how quickly folks would scatter.

The mother, 57, who admitted she ate the chicken, called 911. Before leaving, Tony Morris threatened to return with a gun and shoot his brother, police said. Thomas Morris was taken to a local hospital.

And the culprit is discovered. ALL. HER. FAULT. Now the man can't remember to wear his draws on the inside, not the outside of his pants - all because you had to sample the viddles.

*damn Gina, are you happy now?? *

Bed Intruder Christmas Carol - They Rapin' Errrryboday!

You didn't think I was going to forget my Christmas spirit did you? What kind of negress do you think I AM. I've been whippin' up holiday pancakes all morning and practicing for the plantation recital! But I wanted to take a break to bring you this special message from Liberty University. Yes, THAT Liberty (Falwell, white, racist, crazy Christian, maniacal - THAT one.)

I'll hold your egg nog while you lean and rock with it.

Negro Please Alert: Michael Vick wants a family dog (with video)

Michael Vick: A new dog could help my rehabilitation

Sometimes my ability to throw shade escapes me - no rest for the weary as long as some of Us are around. I'm just gonna go sit in a rocking chair, lay a blanket over my lap and cling to the old rugged cross on this one.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wednesday Foolywang: NAACP goes white with it! (I blame Eminem)

Here's some foolywang, fragganackle shazzamery for ya. Why? Well duh, it's WEDNESDAY!

JSU's new NAACP president is not of color

One of the Mississippi Chapters of the National Association For The Advancement of Colored People has a new leader, and he is white.Michael Teasley is the new president of the JSU Chapter of the NAACP.

And HERE'S where I dropped my stack of pancakes:

Teasley says the selection of a white man to lead one of the organization's chapters shows its real mission to represent more than one race.

Who would've thunk it? This entire time I thought the goal of the NAACP was to keep the Klan and them off my ass. Well I guess I had it all mixed up.

And it took a white guy to tell me. Shout out Paul Wall, Eminem and This Guy.

How low can she go indeed: Bobbi Kristina hits the spiral

Jesus be a warm glass of milk.

The wild child daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is going party-crazy – and sources say her train-wreck parents have now stepped in to try to prevent her from developing addiction problems like them.

I'm not really surprised by this at all - I mean, you get Bobby Brown's sneer and you're bound to get his other ways. (Sidenote: How long before his gut arrives under her Christmas tree as well...)

I'm just trying to understand why DFACS or some agency hasn't stepped in here a long time ago, you know, back when I'm pretty sure they had this poor child sweeping up remnants of their Tony Montagna-eque piles of cocaina following nightlong snow parties.

This child of the kingdom has been through enough. So I'll let that A&P weave slide, along with any attendant questions about the bikini selection and her choice of "pose" (BodyMagic much?)

PS: This part= YAAAAAS.
... parents have now stepped in to try to prevent her from developing addiction problems like them.

Toss the flowers on the casket now!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

S.C. Secession Ball Stirs Controversy AKA Secess Jam 2011 comin' to YOUR town!

Yaaaaaassss. This. Right. Here. PLEASE let me do the flyers.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans plan to hold a $100-per-person "Secession Ball" on Dec. 20 in Gaillard Municipal Auditorium. It will feature a play highlighting key moments from the signing of South Carolina's Ordinance of Secession 150 years ago, an act that severed the state's ties to the Union and put the nation on the path to the Civil War.

I'll let you dig up the part where they discuss the playing of "Dixie" which, sidepoint, is my ring tone.

Uh oh, here come the blacks starting up trouble:

NAACP members and supporters plan to hold a peaceful march in downtown Charleston the day of the ball, on Dec. 20, followed by a meeting and question-and-answer session focusing on slavery. Participants will watch segments of “Birth of a Nation,” a 1915 silent film that portrayed Ku Klux Klan members as heroes.

The Blacks are always being so touchy! This is that one or two bad blacks that strip club owner was tal'm 'bout earlier today. You know, the one who put up the "No Negro's" sign? He probably just wanted to have his own Secess Ball and The Black shut him down.

Why won't you let outrageous crackers be great?? Seriously, having live in La South for the past five years, I feel confident in saying that this type of antic is probably unfolding in a lot more places tha you want to think.

I don't know about you, but I already know what I'm wearing (hint: Red checked aprons are the new Little Black Dress)

Strip club owner posts “No Negroes Allowed” sign - because that's not a problem at all!

No shade, I'm about to get my own "No Negro's Allowed" sign if some of y'all keep it up.

Strip club owner posts “No Negroes Allowed” sign
"I'm going to stick to my guns because I think I have the right as a business owner to reject service to anyone. It's not all the black people there are just a few bad ones," Prior says of his problems in the past.

Well I'm just glad he made it clear that there are only a few bad blacks. Ya gots to CLARIFY these types of things. Meanwhile, am I the only one who wants to know what the rest of that sign says? You know what, if that 1924-lookin' window into Christmas past is any indication, nevermind.

Outrageous Ornery Crackers: 10
Bad Blacks: 0

Monday, December 13, 2010

Today in Irrelevance...

Pic from Ja Rule's website (muffled laughter)

UPDATE: Ja Rule Gets Two Years, or sumpin' like that. Well I don't know about you, but I'm gonna have to take a few days off work.

Blank stare. This right here is devastating. I'm serious - I may need to hum and rock with it because I'm not sure how the community is going to rebound.

Rapper Ja Rule's future in hip-hop may be in jeopardy as a pending gun trial is set to begin as early as this week with jury selection reportedly taking place today.

I mean, WTF. We just lost Wesley (I'm collecting soaps, apple jelly and lip gloss for a Pelican Bay gift basket, BTW), DMX is actin' up and now this? I mean, Ja Rule brought up soooo many hits. Who can forget _____ . And then there was _______.

And I know exactly where I was when I first heard _________.

I implore you White America, don't take Ja Rule from us. Now excuse me while I go hum it out.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Racist cupcake commercial raises questions

Dear White People:

I'm pullin' so hard for you all. I want this reconcilliation thing to happen. Being hostile all the time is exhausting. I thought we might be united via Justin Beiber. Then you go and pull a stunt like this.

And sully the name of cupcakes too?

Food manufacturer Duncan Hines has found itself in some hot water with a promo for their microwaveable Amazing Glazes. The ad in question was called 'Hip-Hop Cupcakes' and features a set of vanilla cupcakes that get topped with a chocolate glaze and then morph into cartoon characters that clearly resemble racist minstrel imagery.

Friday, December 10, 2010

YouTube: The Hostile Negress Speaks!

I promised all my faithful little lambs a surprise this week and here it is - The Hostile Negress Speaks - an occasional indulgence for your eyes!

Divert your attention from my orange security blanket and my two-strands that are trying to transform into freeform locs. I'm natural batches!


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Aretha's Got the Big C (and I don't mean cream pie you jerk!)

Normally I would eviscerate Ms. Franklin. Not because I'm an evil Hostile Negress who should never have been freed, but for very obvious reasons that involve malappropriated spaghetti straps. But this here? Not funny at all madame.

The Soul Diva herself has The Cancer. Or so they say:

FOX 2 News in Detroit has learned that the "Queen of Soul" has cancer. A relative of Aretha Franklin tells reporter Al Allen that the icon has cancer. Another relative says the family is very concerned.

(can we PLEASE take a moment to go awf about how cunt she looks in this photo???? YASSSSSS!)

I was listening to NPR last night - yes, we negresses do listen to NPR - and there was a discussion of how far cancer has come into the public eye. Apparently back in the '70s, you know, before things mattered, people wouldn't even admit to having cancer. "The Big C" they called it, according to the show, and I recall an episode of Good Times (you knew it was coming) in which Florida's boyfriend has cancer and calls it "The Big C."

Where am I going with this? Nowhere at all! Cancer sucks and Good Times was a great show. I'm just sayin'!

Oh, and I love the full length version of the Big Re Re Snickers commercial:

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

KFC to expand in Africa. Nothin' to see here folks!

I'm so glad they're bringing this to the Mother Land. Nothing offensive here folks!!! (side eyes on the prize)

Yum Brands Inc. now sees Africa as its next international jewel.
By 2014, the Louisville, Ky., restaurant-holding company expects to double its number of KFC outlets in Africa to 1,200.

I would like to take this moment to express my boundless joy with the tastenificent golden delight that is Original Recipe. Punks jump up to get beatdown@Popeyes. You'll never match the herbs and spices.

Snipes Watch 2010: Take it to Kang Jesus!

The thing with going to jail is, you want to NOT concede that you're afraid.

From CNN:
Actor Wesley Snipes said he was nervous about going to jail on Thursday, but was hopeful that his prayers would be answered.

"We still have prayers out there. We still believe in miracles. So don't send me up the river yet," Snipes said in an interview on CNN's "Larry King Live" Tuesday night.

Prayers? Don't send him up the river? There's still hope?

Ninja you're going to jail TOMORROW. Your chances of getting a last minute miracle are about as real as Nicki Minaj's ass. And that's not very. (Don't attack stans, don't attack! I love the Barbie Queen!)

I suggest you watch a whole LOT of "Locked Up" on MSNBC tonight. They got all kinds of tips for making shanks and toting things anally - or as I like to call it, "shoot stashin'" (Copyright Hostile Negress 2010), and generally good background on appropriate jail gangs to join.

PS: Did you watch the video dear reader? Oh, but you must. If only for the suit. If only for the suit.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Botswana President: Husky chicks need not apply!

You know, we here at The Hostile Negress are a fair sort. We believe in shedding light on negro shenaniganry among American AND African brown folk.

And in that vein I present:

Botswana President Explains "No Fatties" Policy

Botswana President Ian Kharma says he doesn't want a fat wife, because "she may fail to pass through the door, breaking furniture with her heavy weight and even break the vehicle's shock absorbers." Read more

Yes lawd. Don't you just love how Africans can be so polite and straight forward? He's not a hater folks. He is just concerned that she may fail to pass through doorways. He's no politically incorrect. He's just concerned about his ride.

I mean, what's the problem here? You, my dear misguidedly politically correct soul, YOU are the problem. Now stop eating that baconator right this instant. My Cutlass can't take it.

Seriously, where are the PR folks in Africa???

Monday, December 6, 2010

Tragic Visual #2,384,899, Sexy Santa

Why was this allowed to happen?

And when will we address that Mariah is not getting bigger in the stomach, but everywhere else? Eyebrow raise... Methinks she will soon give birth to a 7lb, 4oz. bag of tortilla chips.

CNN busts open braid slave trade! (put down your Kemi oil and do something!)

*singing* Lawd lawwd lawd laaaaaaaaawd! I thought we overcame!!!???

From CNN:

Held as slaves, now free

The girls' families sent them to the United States after being assured they would receive a better education. But once they arrived, they were forced to work in hair braiding shops across the Newark area -- just a short drive from New York City, right in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty...

Let me shout out E-Marvelous (we’ll get into why you’re not following me on Blogger over cyber tea ... ) for outpointing this tremendous tale of human slavery, as told by CNN, our brothers in the struggle.
Don’t sniggle colored people. Today, right now, in plain sight, Africans are being enslaved – as hair braiders. You read that right – Kembe and Yetembi and them are being chained to chairs, beaten with rattan rods and ravished so that YOU can have some Senegalese twists. Africans bagged up and shipped out for YOUR Shenehneh braid whims. Now don’t you feel like the filthy, yet well-coiffed individual you are???

Apparently this has been poppin’ off in Newark, New Jersey, where, though I’ve never visited, I am 90 percent confident many people feel they too are enslaved. The two girls in the video were trundled off from Africa with promises of wealth and video ho status (my add) and instead emerged from their transcontinental flight to find themselves sleeping on pissy mattresses by night and poppin’ buckshots by day. That's happened to me at least twice.

Now, The Hostile Negress isn’t about downplaying the terror of slavery. I’ll leave that to CNN. Seriously, are you comparing the systematic, centuries long pandemic of Africans being abducted, raped, tortured, beaten and made to sleep with creepy old white men to this? Because seriously, while it’s way jacked up that these girls had to do dukey braids for free, I’m gonna say it falls just a little short of the scale of the Middle Passage. Moreover (don’t you love that word) I have to question the timing of this: The case is over and at no point during her oddly punchy delivery does the reporter explain why we’re suddenly talking about this. Better yet – has CNN never been to Harlem or New York in general? You can’t ride the MTA without being assaulted by throngs of dead-eyed African girls demanding that you come in for some discount straightbacks. Take a walk down 123rd and peek into a couple of those “salons” – hell I feel enslaved just lookin’ in those dirty places!

Where’s my CNN expose damnit.

The Hostile Negress is growing increasingly concerned with the pattern of negro "mess"poses over at CNN. Lest we forget the recent “ministry or minstrels” piece about shouting preachers; the piece on whether the black church keeps black women single or hell really just the entire Black in America series. I'm starting to wonder whether these kee kees are on purpose!

A few notations:
- Is anyone else catching the irony of one of the “slave girls” having braids? Kizuwanda better not have had anything to do with this. The cycle continues!!
- And did anybody else find themselves distracted by that weave of many colors? I was fascinated.
- Can we discuss the younger girl’s clear victimization at the hands of eyelash weave traffickers? This isn’t funny so don’t you dare laugh – women in my family are dropping like flies at the hands of these people. They must be stopped! #giraffegameproper
- And did nobody catch the REAL reason why this happened? One look at the ringleader and we see what the issue was: Her snatched back hairline is clearly suffering the devastating ravages of too many braids. She was simply seeking justice for her decimated edges, targeting one tight-gripped braider at a time.
Can anyone blame her?No justice, no (hair)piece!!!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

U.S. Rep. Frederica Wilson heads off hat trouble - Florida -

U.S. Rep. Frederica Wilson heads off hat trouble - Florida -

Why can't we do better? I'm just getting into the yellow cowgirl action. Seriously?

Didn't Mary J. wear that in the "All That I Can Say" video? Hated it then, hate it now.

What's trying my already limited patience is the fact that this is far from the first black female lawmaker I've encountered with the "church lady syndrome."

Girl I don't!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Women Hide Merchandise Under Their Fat Folds During A Shoplifting Spree!

*singing* Circles circles, round and round and while you're doing me so wrong I just keep holding you down!!!

Negro community, why hast thou forsaken me?

In the folds of your fat? Under the tittays? I blame Jack Johnson's wife for starting this.

Meanwhile Shmeco lookin' like "What? Oh, I guess I shouldn't have done that huh?"

I know this much: They ain't NE'ER gonna find the pig feet. *smug grin*

Get money!!!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Daily Kee Kee

How did I miss Nicki Minaj comin' in for Lil Kim directly? With regards to Ms. Hardcore herself:

Every time you’re in the news, you are getting at somebody. Put your music out and when I see your name on Billboard that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that. Goodbye!”

More at Necole Bitchie


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

And now, this ... racial double take of the day

Just when you thought the Washington City Paper had it together. Just when you're settling in with a warm cup of cocoa and your slippers are tickling the soles of your weary feet just so and your beloved hound looks at you wistfully from in front of the crackling fire and you slip on your reading glasses to peruse an article on beloved Washington Post black commentator Courtland Milloy. That's when you see THIS boondoggle:

Milloy listens raptly, wrinkles deepening. A handsome, straight-featured black man, he shows no hint of writerly condescension as he works a room full of all those ordinary citizens that media strategists are so perpetually keen on reaching.

Who put what on the why now?? What does "straight-featured" mean WCP??? What. Does. It. Mean? Straight-featured as in he has the presumed features of a "straight" man? Like he wears a lot of Brut and likes to mow the lawn?

Because I just KNOW we're not implying wonderment at the fact that this man doesn't have a bell pepper nose and hair reminiscent of desert underbrush!

WCP - FAIL!!!!!!

2 Hostile Negress tickets and a copious serving of week old chitterlings.

The Great Debate aka you just GOT to be right?!?!

Raises her saber to the sky and with a thunderous crash of cacaphony declares: Dammmned if I’m about to get into a debate with your ass todayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

So I’m hoping that the person who has triggered this post never sees this. And if she does, bless her heart, I’ll buy her a rhutabaga pie to make up for it all. She's really a sweet, smart girl. But on this November afternoon, I’m about to let it fly and she started it. The topic: information debaters.

These people really wrinkle The Hostile Negress’s ample nose.

I’m sure my reader(s) have encountered someone of this ilk once before. This is the friend who is contrarian. Not “’70s superfly jacket with chuck tailors and ballgown because you won’t stop me” contrarian. Not “oh, hair is a woman’s glory, eh? I’m cuttin ALL OF THIS OFF TODAY!” contrarian. No, those are the quaint contrarian idiosyncrocies of yours truly, which are almost certain to result in some type of hippie/revolutionary lifestyle before it’s all said and done. And yes, the hair probably will go in some type of dramatic in your face showdown as well.

No, I’m talking about someone who is always there to challenge the information you’ve just provided. Doesn’t matter if the information is there in black and white. Doesn't matter if you just watched the incident under debate take place. They’re there to yell CHALLLLLLLLEEEEENGE with regards to your statement of the facts.

Example: The Hostile Negress, in her effort to remember why she thought Florida would be a good place to call home, decides to take a caravan of sorts to a certain out of control city where it’s always about 4000 degrees and apparently, the laws and language of North America are completely unapplicable.

HN: Yeah I’m on my way down there, looking forward to it.
Great Debater: How long is it going to take?
HN: About two hours.
Great Debater: Really? Because I think that’s a four-hour drive.
(Insert that this drive is being made from an area just south of Orlando to said city, Miami)
HN: Looking directly at highway sign. Well it’s only 180 miles.
Great Debater: Well I’ve done a lot of long distance driving and I remember that being about four hours, but ok.

Girl boo bye stop drop and die. What. Are. You. Talking about???? In what universe is 180 miles a four-hour journey? Even Gilligan got there in less time! This is the type of thing that just gets under my pelt - I mean you're just being ridic right now, seriously.

Incident No. 2 – upon my announcement of a long awaited trip to the birthplace of all negroes, Maryland.

HN: So yeah, I’m going back up to Maryland this weekend. Really looking forward to it!
Great Debater: Oh cool bring me back a snowball.
HN: Um, girl it’s not snowing there.
Great Debater: Really? Because my friend lives there and she said she got snow.

Now, at this point I should outpoint that while The Hostile Negress has been a mainstay in the South for the past few years (something I will rectify relatively soon) I was born* and raised in Maryland. I got some years under my belt in the Old Line state son. I KNOW what Maryland weather does and doesn’t do. And what it doesn’t do is snow at all, and certainly not to a point of having massive snowball fights, in mid November. Stop the madness.

How did this convo end? Girl it didn’t – I’m still getting texts about it as we speak. I'm just going to concede and tell her I'm packing a snowsuit and checking to make sure TSA will let me bring a carrot and two coal eyes for my snowman.

Another entry with no point other than to illuminate the side eye that has become my life lately.

Good. Day.

*The Hostile Negress was technically born at Alexandria Hospital, in (deep shudder) Virginia. But she’ll cut you QUICK if you ever bring up the V-word.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Today in irrelevance

Rapper DMX arrested again on parole violation

Embattled rapper DMX is in trouble with the law again - the hip-hop star was arrested in Phoenix, Arizona on Thursday on suspicion of parole violation.

The rap star - real name Earl Simmons - has served two stints in prison this year and most recently walked free in August after serving 18 days of a 90-day sentence in connection with a reckless driving conviction from 2002.
More here.

In other news: Remind me, when did this man last make music? Have I fallen back into some sort of 1996 vortex? *patting head, rubbing legs* No, I don't have a weave and I'm not wearing one of those SWV-style Adidas skirt sets. So I do indeed think we remain in 2010.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Free Nino!!!!

We're not going to talk about why you're not looking at a Florida Classic blog right now. Because it would just be impolite for you to press me out about that, and I just KNOW my faithful readers (muffled laugh) wouldn't want to make me lose my composure :)

Moving on. Today in coonery: Wesley Snipes is jail bound.

For those of us unfamiliar (and what's the rent like under that rock?) the Vampire in Brooklyn himself has been sentenced to three years in prison after an ongoing battle over tax evasion or some such.

Now, far be it from the Hostile Negress to kee kee as Captain Darkness prepares to enter the tossed salad camp, even if he DID say he'd rather date himself in drag than than waste his delicate good looks on the coonettes of the world. After all, midnight marauders need love too and deep down, the blackettes know they're having no parts of Mr. Snipes. Why be upset if the feeling is mutual? White women for everybody! I digress. While I won't mock the man who regularly showed up for breathless attorney meetings at my old Atlanta office, I WILL take a moment to offer a severe, third degree squinch eye to the myriad of black male celebs who recently decided on jail as the next logical career step.

Wayne, T.I. I'm looking directly at you. Gucci, I would be looking at you, but I don't have the stomach for that this evening.

Newsflash: Nobody needs you to prove your street cred. We all know you sleep on stacks of money and aren't out on the cold streets of anywhere hustling. You've got people for that!

So why don't you have people around to take the fall for your criminal "misunderstandings"? I definitely have someone to hold my cocaina AND my pills, no shade. I can't be gettin' yanked up - I have albums to drop!

The greater questions:

a) Is there an age when this gets old? Because I'm thinking Snipes has possibly passed that age. And Wayne too, no shade (I know 30s when I see 30s...)


b) Tax evasion? Is that really what's taking Nino Brown down? The old man with the shaky gun was much more entertaining. Can we at least get a shoot out? Ok, ok, I'll settle for Christopher Williams singing "Don't wake me, I'm dreaminnnn!"

For his sake, I hope Snipes recalls a little bit of that jiu jitsu from his Blockbuster hits. Donning one of T.I.'s Cosby sweaters and some erudite personality glasses is advised; he's also still got time to rescue a would-be jumper!

"Nino Brown, your presence is required in hell" game proper!!!!

(*lest we forget, Lil Wayne actually has used the Nino Brown moniker for a series of direct to street films. Black progress in action people!)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Old school why?

Let me first start out with this random: The Jules/Smokey Robinson connection is undeniable. We're on to you Solange. It is what it is.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

One of the biggest hangups The Hostile Negress has had in starting her rant log has hisotrically been, well, how to start. Should the initial posting be witty and informative, luring readers in only to spring the hostility forth like a cobra pouncing from beneath a basket? Should it be a short intro into my world of sour looks and sideways comments? I haven't answered these questions and don't plan to. The effort, frankly, makes my nostrils flare and has delayed the earnest start of this shout fest for at least six months. Instead, I'm just gonna jump right out the window on this one and just go in on whatever strikes my fancy. Today children, that is a very serious cultural question involving the relevance of Chubb Rock.

These are the topics that keep great minds up at night.

Having been recently excommunicated to the Island of Yesternegro, also known as Florida (more on that never), I almost immediately began searching for ways to curb my sudden desire to hum negro spirituals whilst shucking corn. That's when I learned of a little something called the Florida Classic. A Battle of the Bands. Bethune Cookman involved. Rick Ross somehow in the swirl. (Patience grasshopper, at least two blogs on the attendant coonery are forthcoming this weekend.) What more could one ask for? I'll tell you what more - an after party headlined by Kid n Play (blank stare), Monie Love, Black Sheep and Chubb Rock. This will be popping off in Central Florida this weekend.

Being equal in my hostility, I will express general disturbance at all of these 40 somethings getting on stage to do something that will invariably sadden me for a spread of Original Recipe and a chance at regaining the glamorest life (side eyes on the prize.) But I have to offer a special hell and no to the Chubb Rock inclusion. He had ONE SONG. It was in 1990- he says it right there in the first verse, lest you forget how many presidents have passed since this man held a mic. To put things in perspective, in 1990:

- High top fades were still viable
- Bobby Brown had a career
- Hammer pants were being worn
- Better yet, patent leather shoes with lace ribbons were being worn
- 227 and Amen were on tv (don't do that, you watched then and you watch now!)

Even as I approach my 400th year, I simply still can't align myself with the old school concerts. I have no interest in shaking my shimmy to anything put out before I had a menstrual cycle. And my spirit and the spirits of my ancestors will NOT let me support this Chubb Rock shenanigan. I can't, I won't, you can't make me. Let's join hands and pray about it.

Now pardon me while I rock my hips to something from the Obama years - Gucci!!