Saturday, December 25, 2010

Woman uses sex toy to beat cop - and other tales to ruin Christmas dinner

A Lake County judge on Thursday issued a warrant for the arrest of a woman charged with attacking a Gurnee police officer with a sex toy.

Nevermind that this woman slightly resembles a shriveled peen.

There are times, my children, when I think I'm just gonna lay down and give up this struggle. Like, it's time for me to just go on to glory. And when the words "rigid, glass, feminine pleasure device" coincide in a story with the phrases "dine and dash" and "Joe's Crab Shack," I feel like it's time to electric slide into my casket and shut the door tight.

Bildsten reached into a dresser drawer for what the officer thought was money to pay her bill, but instead pulled out the “pleasure device” and charged toward the officer with the sex toy raised over her head, Patrick said.

I'm going to overlook the obvious concerns about, ahem, personal fluids and why this cop was fool enough to let her go in the drawer in the first place (I would have busted out with the shotty and blew him right on down, but I'm hostile so, you know...) and cut right to the question that I know is really rockin' your socks: Since WHEN did Joe's Crab Shack start sending cops to your door behind skipped bills? And moreover, is Red Lobster's following suit????

This apparent crackdown on seafood filchery could devastate the black community. The moral of the story, dear hearts, is that clam bakes and dungeness crab legs cost money and Phillip's ain't playin'.

Oh, and don't turn to dildoes for personal protection. (But I could've told you that...)

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