You Tried It: Nicki Minaj Covers Elle (Her Cakes Decline to Appear!)

You’ll never get to heaven with these sorts of stunts.

From HipHopWorld.com:

Minaj, usually known for her colorful wigs and bright makeup, is featured in Elle's Music Issue' as one of their “Gold Dust Women.” (I REFUSE to SEE that - THN)
As previously reported, the issue also features Jennifer Hudson, Aretha Franklin (YASSSS!) and Willow Smith speaking on their taste in music and own personal style.
In Nicki's spread she dons jet black liner, a simple black wig and designer pieces, a far cry from what her fans are used to.

Sooooo, riddle me this: Tweren’t the booty cheeks of Miss Nicki “Cakes-o-Plenty” Minaj JUST doubling as a moonbounce at the carnival last weekend?

Didn’t she hip-check Japan and cause 7.2 magnitude destruction for the entire nation like, LAST WEEK?

In other words, wasn’t she juuuuuust lookin’ like a 15-scoop sundae??? Sort of like this:


(I’m not here to talk about anybody’s stripper-going-to-the-library outfit, so I’ll just toss her a Snuggi and put this on my intensive prayer therapy list…)


Aaaaaaaand now you’re looking like a sample size 00? I know Elle is behind this – white fashion overlords won’t let Nicki’s Booty Pop ever fully be great! Now I don't live in an alternative universe - I know that many of our musical angels rely on the photoshop diet to fix Mother Nature's handiwork (not you Fantasia - I know that's ALL your jelly...).

But going from Amber Rose to Giselle Bundchen????

Girl, I. DO. NOT.

*hurls flaming butt pads at computer*

Logging off.

The Hostile Negress Defines: Heirloom Weave (I'm going there. Today.)

HEIRLOOM WEAVE (Also: Hairloom Weave): An attachment of fake, wanna be Beyonce weave hair, typically matted, gnarled, dingy, involuntarily loc’ing or otherwise mangled, which has seen better days or possibly better centuries, yet continues to be the centerpiece of a female’s hair wardrobe; commonly seen among “ratchet” females and typically attached with bond glue. So-called because, like a treasured locket, a family Bible or Grammy’s quilt, this wet and wavy weave has been vacuum sealed and handed down through several generations of ratchet women until it landed on the present dome. Occasionally spotted on Antiques Scalawag Roadshow.

Example of its use:

Takwisha: Well you know, I mean, Foxy Boog’s hair isn’t really that bad if you look at it really fast, during sunset.

Aisha: Girl stop your lies! I believe in antiquing and I am SO glad her Nana stored that wet and wavy weave in her hope chest for all those years, but it’s time to let the Josephine Baker-era yaki go far, far away!

This was brought to you by the letter H. For Hostile. But you already knew that.

*humming and rocking* I said I wasn't gonna tellllll noobodddddddyyyyy!!!

The Hostile Negress Speaks IV: Why I got to have mesothelioma though???

My pisstivity having reached levels not seen since your cousins from the Congo realized they were indeed NOT going on a three-hour tour, I went ahead and hooked up a Hostile Negress Speaks for y'all fine folks.

Douse it behind your ears and all that.

Fall back blacks! Secession fever spreads...

My 2011 wish: That CERTAIN folks (looking directly at you my white brother) just let things go. You imported The Blacks, they spread like kudzu and now one's in the Oval Office. It's over. Go make a bologna sammich and stop this nonsense before there's a reenactment of how Haiti was founded. And you KNOW how that turns out...

From The Root:

The Florida Secession Convention event is just one of many such spectacles planned over the next five years as the children of the Lost Cause revive ghosts of the Civil War. In Georgia they will re-enact the state's 1861 Secession Convention. Alabama will hold a mock swearing-in of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. People in Charleston, S.C., have organized a gala ball with period dress.

Don't you wish great granddaddy Rawls had just gone fishin' on that boat instead?

Insert hostile white folk antics in 5, 4, 3, 2...

The Hostile Negress Speaks Ep. 2: When bad weaves happen to good people

Yes, your fantasy has come true - THN is back with commentary on why life should probably be cancelled this season.

Feel free to joyfully skip through a field barefoot tossing posies from a basket!