Love and Hip Hop: The Case Against Chrissy Lampkin's Linebacker Ass...

Let's start with the most obvious question -



WHERE THE HELL HAS THN BEEN???????

Two words: Rikers. Island.

Just know that seafood restaurants take their tank lobsters VERY seriously. Now, let us never speak of this again.

In my absence, I understand that the world has been changing. Jordans are back! Kobe's a hoe! Beyonce is to bear a Christ Child!

And apparently Mean Joe Green is back and working the reality show circuit under the alias "Chrissy Lampkin!" (I know it's you boo, those log-haulin' shoulders ain't foolin' NOBODAY!)

In between delousing myself and readjusting to "home food," I've been catching up on Love and Hip Hop. And I must say, were it not for the soothing baritone of Jim Jones mama Nancy Jones (accompanied by  the Love Unlimited Orchestra), I would scarcely be able to get through an episode without hurling my Arthur Treacher's fish nugget platter at the screen.

The reason: I. HATE. CHRISSY.

Chrissy Lampkin reminds me of something you set large traps for.
Chrissy Lampkin looks like something you find in the back of your freezer and aren't sure what it is.
Chrissy Lampkin looks like something you and your kids ride to soccer practice.
Chrissy Lampkin is shaped like a bag full of George Foreman grills.

In sum:

I unequivocably do NOT fug with that beerback, trapezoid-bodied, bowl weaved, Willie Hutch lookin'  strong bodied batch!  

And get that mighty mole removed whore!

Here's the case against Chrissy/Christopher:

• She's a batch without a cause: I'm all for bitchery. But this hoe is just an ass for the sake of being an ass. I declare I've watched that episode of her summarily mollywoppin' Kimbella again and again and I'm gonna state this plainly: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY KIMBELLA WAS WRONG. Consider this - had Kimbella NOT said anything, it would've came out later and that werewolf lookin' whore would've been howling over how Kimbella "Sat up in your party eatin' your chitlins and shit knowing she was playing tilt-a-whirl on your man's thang!" So homie went ahead and said something. And what happened? She got run over by Truck Turner. Emily claimed she was over Fab, so from where I stand, this was the perfect time for Kimbella to casually mention playing tonsil golf with her baby's father. Just slip that on in between munches of rib and keep in movin' ok?? What the problem is?

Whatever your opinion of the appropriateness of the timing, one can't deny: The conflict was not Chrissy's. I know that as a bonafide WWE champion, batch likes to keep her craft fresh. But there's no reason to charge helpless women (Ok, Kimbella's gender remains under review, but work with me here).

• Batch is shaped like a stackable washer dryer: No, that's not really any type of logical reason for my undying hatred of Chrissy Lampkin, but it makes sense to me. I am SICK SICK SICK of seeing that  Tasmanian Devil-shaped trapezoid of a "woman" in close ups, particularly when s/he's wrapped in those Starburst colored bandage dresses she keeps diggin' out of her "Get It Girl 2002" trunk. While I fully understand it must be difficult to find garments to accommodate the sundry angles and sharp turns of her gridiron body, my corneas deserve so much more!

• Batch is shady: Chrissy got two faces and both of them look like Jim Jones. One minute she's readin' Kimbella. The next she's side eyein' Emily. And she stays with an overall energy of disapproval. Wanna know what I disapprove of? THAT PORTABELLO MUSHROOM CAP PERCHED ABOVE HER LIP. There is absolutely no way I wouldn't come for that thang (is it a parasitic twin? a facial piercing gone wrong?? The Northern Star??) every muthaeffin' time that tank of a "woman" said something sideways to me. *with tissue in hand* "Chrissy you have something on your face, let me get that for you" game proper!

And the final reason why I hate the hell out of Chrissy Lampkin's plow pullin' ass:

• Batch don't work anywhere, but stay judgin'!: Emily is a fake stylist. Olivia is a fake musician and possibly some type of wizard judging from the hook on her nose. Hell, even Kimbella's pumpkin-faced ass is clearly campaigning for empress of the lollipop kids (with her racially ambiguous, Tang-colored ass...). But to this DAY I have zero concept of what in all high holy fugs Chrissy Lampkin does for a living besides being a loudmouth and possibly a bodyguard. Yet she's callin' Kimbella a hoe. Let's see - she busts it open for money right? Andddd what does Chrissy do? Yep - THE SAME THING. At least Kimbella has a baby. Chrissy Lampkin's defensive linebacker lookin' ass ain't got nuthin' but a wagon hitched to Pigpen- who ain't even givin' her so much as a ring pop this decade, BTW.

Oop. Let me know how that works out for you boo!

Now let's be clear: I DO believe Kimbella is in fact stupid. If for no reason other than she should've knocked that wide-bodied SUV lookin' batch in the head with a sock full of batteries and cha cha slid into the sunset about three episodes back. Annnd I tend to believe Emily is also stupid, if only for her clear vulnerability to  the suggestive powers of Fabolous' slanty ass teeth (Oh shut up, you too were wonderin' why she was checkin' on his last millenium ass...).

But this Chrissy broad? I just can't take her ass. No literally - her ass is horrible. I can't take it.

And there you have it!