New SWV Video ...?

Look Inside: New SWV Video aka The Side Eye Felt Around The World

You all think SO little of me - I know damn well you clicked on this in full expectation of my reading SWV down. Mmmmhmmm, you expected copious comments on Taj's clear love affair with Mrs. Winners. You expected a heaping serving of side eyes directed at the Totally Hair Barbie weave action.

And naturally, you counted on open speculation about how low the RushCard balances had to get before this "situation" became an option.

WELL YOU WERE WRONG!

Though yes, I do admit that the actors in this jammie could use some tips from The Africa Channel ... AND I admit that the fur vest had my eyebrow arched mightily ... I actually DO think this lil song is cute and they look pretty good!

That's not to say I didn't note the obvious - ie.
why is Coko singing romantically to her son
did she mean to say "wifey and some grandkids?"
was LeLee doing the grandma rock
why they didn't at least spritz these girls' joints with a lil WD40 before proppin' them up in front of the camera

And yes, fine, I'll admit that I mistook Taj and her power jowls for San Francisco 49r Delanie Walker.

But I declare, with Cynthia Bailey's Poetic InJustice braids as my witness, that's all the scattered, capped and smothered shade I have for this ditty!

See how I'm growing!

(and I will NOT ask whether LeLee is storing additional truck jewelry - you SAW IT - in her pouch, no matter how hard you press the issue...)

Video Inside: Love and Hip Hop Preview (It's raining fugnuggets and honey...)

Jim. Jones. Mama.

Now that I have your attention, ready yourself as you may - though nothing in this lifetime could prepare you for the glorious dewdrops of fugnuggets preparing to burst forth unto your screen.

Imbibe:

Get More: Love And Hip Hop

Is it me or does Jim Jones' mom sound like an old pipe organ? She speaks=me turning to page 147 of my hymnal and singing Standing On the Promises.


Study Notes:

10) Is there anyone, ANYONE, who believes that Miss Chi-Cheekela La Boom, or "Kimbella" as she's currently known on Spring Street, is an XX? Girl hush. Night night, keep your tucks tight!

Today in White Coonery: KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church - because some shat is just inappropriate!

White supremacist KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist church

I would go ahead and apologize for my semi-delayed holiday absence, but I was getting my cooch relined – and the glorious temptation of having a wall-to-wall angora fur-lined snatch overcame my greater blogging sensibilities. I’m sure you understand.

Anyway, I was rattled from my post-cooch revamp rest when I learned from CNBC that stocks of coonery (NYSE: COON) had risen this week on news that The Whites have yet AGAIN staged a clear push for dominance of the foolywang antics market:

Hours before President Barack Obama led the nation's Memorial Day observances at the Tomb of the Unknowns, three Westboro Church protestors were challenged by others who disagreed with them -- including members claiming to be from the Ku Klux Klan.
"It's the soldier that fought and died and gave them that right to free speech," said Dennis LaBonte, the self-described "Imperial Wizard" of the KKK group that he said he formed several years ago.

You'd better solja boy tell'em Grand Klud! I see your white robe swag!

Abigail Phelps, the daughter of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps said "They have no moral authority on anything.
"People like them say it's white power ... white supremacy," Phelps said. "The Bible doesn't say anywhere that it's an abomination to be born of a certain gender or race."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Westboro Church protests and their overall brand of the crazies, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas is comprised of a group of cornfed West Virginia-type Hackfield/McKoy whaggers (white naggers) who should probably be somewhere brewing up some corn liquor but instead occupy most of their days railing about The Queers and jaysus’ masterplan to kill them off by sending them to war. Or something – my ability to hear fuggery is really starting to dim.

Westboro Baptist Church protests are fairly legendary in the media world – they send block letter, all cap press releases to newspapers pretty much daily and generally sprinkle their crazy dust for weeks before they show up in your town.

Now THAT is what I call PR!

The KKK today, meanwhile, has faded. Membership has sank as The Republicans have gained more of a foothold as the premiere trendy social group of choice among the elite racist cracker set.

*sigh* Those crackers can be so fickle. I feel your pain KKK, really, I do. But let’s face it: You haven’t had a decent klan rally since my beloved Chaka Khan had a waistline. The klan robe is boxy and that A-line shape is unflattering. Westboro Baptist Church protests, meanwhile, are all-the-way turnt up and their commitment to truck stop fashion is legendary.

Step your game up Ku Klux Klan!

Honestly seeing this kind of split in the longstanding hateocracy movement is saddening. Ku Klux Klan says hate the naggers. Westboro Baptist Church says hate the queers.

I say: Why not just hate the queer naggers and call it a day? Done and done.

But the real question here is why can’t The Whites let The Blacks be great? For years they’ve had everything – money, dogs, sushi – and The Blacks have maintained their own fiefdom, dominating the lucrative professional basketball, malt liquor and foolywang fraganackle bullshat markets (icons include honored unicoon Marion Barry – but you already knew that…)

Now The Whites want to take coonery too! Where is Al Sharpton – this has to be stopped!

UPDATE Coachella for Coloreds: Lauryn Hill shows up; Cee Lo shows out and Erykah's mic sounds (not so) nice?

UPDATE to the Coachella 2011 shenanigans:

Before I even get started, let me acknowledge for the record a number of sartorial missteps among the colored Coachella attendees - most notably Lauryn Hill and her appearance as a Rabbinical sailor with a heroin-slanging side gig (we won't EVER get her back, not for real) as well as my soul guru and fuggery icon Erykah Badu's efforts to channel Indira Gandhi and Gallagher:


(I know you see it)


Let me stop being a faux hater - I know I've been looking for a way to effectively incorporate an Indian table cloth and Sheera-style power cuffs all season. Anyway, sartorial shenanigans aside, am I the only one suspecting something is rotten in the chitlins with regards to all of The Blacks having their mics mysteriously shut down???

From LA Times:

“Keep in mind, I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my … ,” (Badu) said after having winced at the feedback from her microphone -- a glitch that recurred for the rest of the show...her patience, however, began to wane. She appeared to shoot some stern looks to workers resting on the side of the stage before seeming to abruptly cut her set nearly 20 minutes short.

Girl you'd better hit them with that Gadaffi glare. Coachella better get it together before a hex gets thrown! Badu will have you waking up with your legs and arms reversed - ask Andre 3000! Meanwhile, didn't the same Coachella antics cause the walking Jello pudding pop that is Cee Lo Lady Killer Green to roll out Friday? And now you won' test the queen of incense and baby daddies?

*picks up the big black phone* NAACP has been notified. An ineffective boycott is pending!!!! See how you Coachella folks feel when The Blacks stop coming to the event ... oh wait...

Whatevs. Kanye West is on tonight and they'd better have those mics sounding right and platters full of chicken wangs ON DECK - or else I predict there will be blood.

(And by that I mean, a stuntqueen showdown...)


And now back to the ORIGINAL post:



It's not just for white assholery anymore!

Dispatch the messy negro cleanup squad - we got Cee Lo Lady Killer Green actin' several types of monkey in aisles 14 through 17! Apparently my favorite living, breathing chocolate volcano cake turned to stuntqueen antics after his mic was mysteriously chopped during Day 1 of Coachella 2011.

Mmmmmhmmmm - I didn't give a damn about this three-day music festival/ bachannal of white jackassery neither (especially when I realized luxury purses were NOT involved) until my Beige American friend Frank Juice explained to me that the handful of black performers allowed to penetrate the festivities always includes at least one who cuts a plum ass, gains infinite blue side eyes and nearly plunges all of us back into slavery.

Fuckery, they name is Black Buddha!

From CNN:

Cee Lo Green, who's been all over the airwaves recently in his latest incarnation of "The Lady Killer," was 30 minutes late for his late afternoon set... just as he was apologizing to the crowd for being late, saying it wasn't his fault because his plane had just landed - the audio to his microphone was abruptly cut.
... Finally, he put a white towel on top of his bald head, walked off stage, and threw the towel to the ground - never to be seen again by Friday's Coachella audience.

Well, hell, that's how I leave my office everyday. Stop being dramatic CNN!

Meanwhile, in other coon news you can use from Coachella 2011, Lauryn Hill apparently both showed up to her set AND played songs from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill that did NOT sound like a Lady Gaga remix with assist from the Swiss Yoddling All-Stars.

PRAISE HIM! I knew if I just hummed and rocked hard enough, change was gon' come!

From Deadbolt News:

Grammy Award winning singer Lauryn Hill turned up at Coachella on Friday to give fans a live set filled with some of best songs that made Hill a hit with fans after going solo from The Fugees.

Although Lauryn Hill has been known to give unpredictable shows in the past few years, Hollywood Reporter reveals that Hill raised her musical game and didn't disappoint the crowd at Coachella after singing some of her most memorable songs."

Well let me put on my goggles and pop the collar on my heavenly robe because now I KNOW the sky will be parting and Jaysus will be rapturing us all any second!

In case you've never paid any mind to Coachella - it's a multi-day desert fest where our Ivory brothers and sisters dance badly, drink copiously and generally embarass their forefathers and the entire GOP.

And in case you had any doubts about its potential as a hotspot for negro shenanigans, let me present you with evidence from Coachella 2010:




In one of 2010’s more spectacular displays of buckras (and an incident for which he was later named Grand Puba of Elite Fuckery - Region III) 70's soul icon Sly (you know, and the Family Stone) showed up four hours late wearing Village People fetish wear and ranting about living in a car, needing new shoes and other random factoids that typically indicate somebody’s ready for Shady Pines Homes.


(Oh, and did I mention bitch wore my wig!???)


Mmmm hmmm, and you thought Lauryn Hill started that shit. WRONG – Sly is the originator of broke down star antics.

Lauryn’s just one of the rusters!

Next negro in the coachella 2011 lineup: Kanye with special guest appearance from his unbridled anger.




I don't' know about you, but I've already hidden my kids and wife!

Advanced Placement Fuggery: Braxtons New Reality TV Show

Braxtons New Reality TV Show

(I ain't built for this shit...)


I would have written something earlier dear readers, but the Tuesday night coonivision choke slam that was Braxton Family Values (the new Toni Braxton reality show) left me incapacitated: I spent most of the last 24 hours sitting in a corner, clutchin' a hot pink unbreakable comb and muttering incoherently about the weave shop.


That's what a sea kelp-lookin' wet and wavy weave will do to a batch! I had visions of whithered hairlines all. damned. night.

Thankfully, a couple of parishioners came over and fanned me back upright and I'm once again sane and able to document negro antics.

Like I said, I owe my convulsive episode to the fuggery extravaganza that is Braxton Family Values. Premiering Tuesday, the new reality tv show follows '90s soul diva Toni Braxton's attempts to revitalize a career ravaged by bankruptcy, personal and family illness and just general hard knocks.

From the top of the r&b charts to poppin' it in Las Vegas. See what Satan does!

In the meantime, we the drama hungry curious and deserving public are treated to a veritable waterfall of shenanigans care of each careerless hangers on Toni Braxton sister.


There's Trina and Tasia, and Tito ... something like that, hell I don't know, I just know all the Braxton sisters sit in the backseat while one sister rises above the rest - a veritable saint of coonanigans.




FUCKERY, THY NAME IS TAMAR

.
I feel moved to pledge my undying loyalty to this saint of jackassery. Not only does she set hearts and Twitter aflame by incessantly repeating her .com catch phrase (that's tired.com!) but the sheer disrespectfulness of her weave is downright intimidating.

You GOTS to be scared of a batch willing to slap a mop head on her dome and look you dead in the eyes like ain't nathan wrong. (In all fairness, the Braxton sisters are competing equally to win the title of the butt of most bad weave jokes but more on that later.com)

But the TRUE fierceness erupted when - after confronted by Tamar about refusing to provide her angelic vocals with an album deal - her husband sat her AND her Sensationnel instant weave ALL THEE WAY DOWN.




"If you don't listen, YOU CAN'T WIN!" YAAAAASSSS. In. The. Paint.

Personally, I strongly suggest she work the assets she already has. Why focus on being an r&b star when her cups overfloweth - you'd better wriggle back into that white cooch holster and get you one of those XXL Magazine covers! Ask singer Mashonda and her skyscraper crotch if a tittie shot won't keep Rent-A-Center off your ass for a few months... I'm just sayin'!

Anyway, I'm hooked on this Toni Braxton reality show like Aretha Franklin on butter flavored Crisco. Nene Leakes who?

Rain advanced fuckery down on me Braxtons!!!!!

From the "That's Unfortunate" files...

They couldn't come up with another name, seriously?


I wonder if the stripper who was winding her post-twin cellulite on The Ultimate Warrior Chris Brown last week is a member...

Kidney transplant sisters released from Mississippi jail might be headed back behind Newports, pork rinds (Eff. Life.)

Sooooo, remember those ladies who were like, in jail for 10 million years or something because they stole a pair of draws but it was really because they were black and then they got out and the slaves all sang and the massa bought out a big pineapple upside down cake? This happened like, last month. Well whatevs, them batches is going back to jail!

From CBS:

There's a "complication" in the case of Mississippi ex-convicts sisters Jamie and Gladys Scott, who won their release from life prison terms on the grounds that one sister would give the other a kidney.

What is it? What could it be? Was there a loophole in the legal work? Is some racist judge accusing them of stealing Slim Jims now?

Nah boo. It comes down to Newports.

Jamie Scott said Wednesday that a doctor said she has to lose 100 pounds to receive the transplant. She said would-be donor Gladys must lose 60 pounds and stop smoking.
Barbour hasn't said whether he'll send the sisters back to prison if the transplant doesn't happen.

*In Martin Lawrence voice* Hole up. Hole up. Didn't I march for your ass with the signs and ERYTHANG? So now you basically telling me you have to curb the honeybaked ham sammiches and put the brakes on the Virginia Slims or your asses is going back to the jaily jail? AFter I wore down my loafers???

Looks at sisters:


Looks at honeybaked ham sammich:




They're going to jail



(Note: You KNOW I'm gonna use that punchbowl jawn whenever possible. I. Love. That. Shat.)

Songs in the key of fuggery: Egyptian man names child Facebook

Allah take the whee... you know what. Nevermind. *tosses sand into the air*



Huffington Post


No need to tell me - you didn't pay attention in Dimwali and your GED course didn't include Arab, so you have no idea what this sign says. Here's a clue: He's not asking you to visit his page.

No. He's ruining his child's life. One letter at a time.


From Tech Crunch:

A young man in his twenties wanted to express his gratitude about the victories the youth of 25th of January have achieved and chose to express it in the form of naming his firstborn girl "Facebook" Jamal Ibrahim (his name.) The girl's family, friends, and neighbors in the Ibrahimya region gathered around the new born to express their continuing support for the revolution that started on Facebook. "Facebook" received many gifts from the youth who were overjoyed by her arrival and the new name. A name [Facebook] that shocked the entire world.

And then there was this. I'm in a state of conflict, however, over this item. I mean, technically, Egypt IS in Africa. So under the traditional rules of the game, this DOES count as black folk fuckery. BUUUUUUUUUT, this guy seems Arab to me. And that means that The Browns would have to take ownership of this fine incident.

Either way, I think there's a brown baby somewhere whose first words will be along the lines of "Seriously though?"


The REAL joke is on the daddy: Facebook (pronounced in the vein of Sade and with a long AND short 'O' sound) happens to be the no. 1 name among black female babies born to ratchet mothers in Brooklyn this winter.