Video Inside: White child dresses as MLK for school = Chile, bye.

Fugshat ensues after Dr. Martin Luther King costume is ill-received (extended sigh)

 "I like black people - I don't want to be mean to them. It's just a costume!" - Errant caucasian dressed as Dr. Martin Luther King.
Could someone please direct me immediately to the hem of sweet White Jaysus's garment? I need something to cling to during times like this.

Faithful fuggery: Jaysus is like soup and thangs...

Worshipper: "Jesus is like Campbell soup - he's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD" (DEAD)

Jaysus has delivered The Blacks through 400 years of slavery. That part on the side of Nelson Mandela's head. And several seasons of Lester's teeth on 227. Yet this, THIS, is how you thank him? THIS is how we're bringing in the new year???

Exasperated sigh with Charlie Brown frustration eyes.

Though I too have felt the need to hit a mean halleleujah shoulder hunch after a particularly delectable bowl of chicken soup with Spongebob-shaped noodles, I've managed to keep my jubilance contained.

Not this heavenly soldier!

The worst part is not her reference to "carrot soup" - something I think Bugs Bunny tried to cook on a cartoon at some point ...

It's not the inherent mystery presented by her jiggling marsupial pouch threatening to steal the show ...

Nor is it the ivory glory of those lips, so chicly powdered with the finest in Entemann's donuts...

No. THE WORST PART is that I'm not entirely sure what she's communicating - is she trying to say De Lawd is good? I mean, I can't make heads or tails of it. She needs to be more direct, maybe try repeating herself and adding some of that sing songy preaching The Blacks like to do. Praise dancers might also help...

Campbell's soup has been notified. A spokesperson failed to see the humor in any of this.

Oh and this guy was pissed off too, but you know he's ALWAYS feelin' some type of way...

Monday (booty bounce) Fuggery: Can someone please tap New Orleans on the Shoulder?

Scion A/V Presents: Big Freedia - Excuse from Scion A/V on Vimeo.

Lawd black people ain't got nothin' but Jaysus...

There are those among us who would have you believe that New Orleans and yay, the entire 18th century sugar plantation state known as Louisiana is not full of nuclear level fuggery unfolding faster than you can say newborn with gold fronts and a tattoo.

There are those of us who will remain unnamed - and by that I mean Autumn! - who would try to convince us that the specter of booty poppin' shenanigans no longer hangs over the Crescent City, that indeed, only respectable negroes of an advanced "I Shop At Target, NOT Walmart" calibur live therein.

Those people - and I do mean you, Autumn! - are full of lies, sweet tea and beignets!

Stare into the black hole of fuggery that is Big Freesia and her booty bounce of despair. Does this NOT look recent? I entreat you to click and click often. Don't look away. This is the state of Louisiana. These folks need care packages and prayer.

I know in my heart my dear unnamed friend (Autumn!) is somewhere poppin' her glutes to this and getting misty eyed. It may be too late for her, but I'm gonna send up some prayers anyway (I stay prayed up, btw)

I would like to add this: If Louisiana continues to export this flim flammery to the remainder of the nation, we'll be forced to expel them. You see what happened to Mississippi.

Make your choices Louisiana!

THN Verdict: President Obama is Fuggin' Up (And not just because he's clearly in Al-Qaida...)

President Barack Obama birther debate is officially out of control

So I had just donned my special Cee Lo/Wizard of Oz robe and was about to lead a 14-hour weave intervention for the Braxton sisters (pray for them ya’ll, their yaki sins are numerous and their scalps are weary) when I heard that Obama was holding a press conference to announce the release of his long form birth certificate and confirm that he was, in fact, born in America.

From live reports:

The president said officials in Hawaii had been persuaded to make an exception and release the full 'long form' version of the documents because the debate had become a sideshow.
'We're not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers,' he said. (The strategic arrangement of mustache clippings that comprises Donald Trump’s hair does indeed count as a sideshow – THN )
…'We've got some big challenges ahead,' he said.
'We're not going to be able to do it if we just make stuff up and pretend that facts are not facts. We do not have time for this kind of silliness.'

We sure as hell do NOT – not as long as gas is priced by the carat and I have to pawn a ring to go to the club! I need a team getting on top of this $4 gas sitch STAT because if I’m forced to fill up for $45 once more, wigs will get SNATCHED, ya hear? But I digress.

President Barack Obama, YOU ARE FUGGIN UP

Mmmmhmmm. I said it. Obama is responding to ignorance with seriousness – always a bad idea. You have to meet jackassery WITH jackassery. Didn’t this cat go to Harvard University????

The birthers say you weren’t born in the states, ok, cool breeze. Dignifying their crazy, I’ve-got-a-bunker-in-my-basement asses by digging into Hawaii’s super secret birth certificate vault (where they keep ALL the terrorist birth records) and digging up your credentials = YOU’RE LOSING.

Let me tell you something – those people will only be satisfied when Mama Obama has submitted to an intravaginal excavation, led by a United Nations team accompanied by world class spelunkers. And if they don't turn up weapons of mass destruction, they'll claim the entire procedure has to be repeated!

Don't believe me? Just look what popped up in the LA Times about an hour or so after President Obama spoke:

Orly Taitz, self-annointed leader of the so-called "birther" movement, says she welcomes the White House’s decision to release President Obama’s long-form birth certificate but still has questions about his past that would put his eligibility to hold office in doubt.

I propose in the grand tradition of jackassery, that Obama should have BEEN embraced this birther situation with full on sarcasm. That would involve:

1) Suddenly requiring that Secret Service agents wear camouflage and carry assault rifles
2) Demanding to be referred to as “Barack X”
3) Abandoning the White House to instead live in a series of tents on the White House grounds
And
4) Holding all press conferences in Arabic, which you “picked up” while studying in Iran Colorado. Yeah, that’s it, Colorado.

Oh and how could I forget – he should show up to all presidential events dressed like this:



Of course, President Obama would probably not fair well in the 2012 election. But sometimes, you've just got to act a monkey.

Meanwhile, can someone, anyone, PLEASE explain to me how Donald Trump manages to be taken seriously in this matter?

Newsflash - The man is looking people in the eyes with this on his head:



I repeat – he has ticker tape or some type of gossamer silk on his head passing as hair. (I would refer to this as dryer lint, dear readers, but that would be a direct insult to dryer lint, which is infinitely thicker and more lustrous.)

How in thee WORLD does this man get to comment on a DAMNED THING???

I’m sorry, at the point at which your hair starts resembling spun sugar, I can no longer hear anything you say. My ears reject it – it’s the damnedest thing. I can just barely hear Tamar Braxton over her swisher sweet fringe bangs.

Look, when I need advice on how to turn gossamer silk into a semi-passable hair piece, I’ll holler at Donald Trump.

Otherwise, PAYIN’ IT! (as in no attention…)

Maryland lawmakers honor Chuck Brown, play go go music in Statehouse. No seriously.

'Cause that's how it is, and that's how it's gonna be.

Maryland, my Maryland. The Beiges had NO idea what they were doing when they UPS'd the Children of the Sun to your shores so wantonly. 400 years later, this type of shat unfolds with abandon:

Lawmakers Bust Loose With Chuck Brown (That headline alone deserves a choke slam):

On Friday, the Maryland General Assembly honored Chuck Brown, the godfather and creator of Go Go in the United States. WBAL-TV 11 News reporter David Collins said some lawmakers danced while some of Brown's music was played.

GIFSoup


*Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, wit a parched texturizer on my dome and a pair of Stacy Adams shoes on my feet*

Now I love and respect our ancient and rapidly vanishing negroes and I believe we should make every effort possible to preserve them before they are but a memory. However, I'm just wondering about the scene in the statehouse when this was poppin' off. Delegates doing the heehaw? Lawmakers puttin' it in the pocket? Were congos involved? If there is a God, please tell me there were half smokes and deviled eggs.

But it gets better!

Brown donned a leather suit and snake-skin boots with metal tips along with his trademark glasses and wide-brimmed hat.

There was a picture of him standing in said shoes on the statehouse floor, but I love you all too much to post that.

Instead, I'll leave you with a selection from the Chuck Brown Don Diva Style Files and encourage your mind to run free with the remaining potentialies of Friday's coon show down.



My soul feels exactly like that shirt looks.

Waka Flaka Flame Press Conference (niggatry confirmed...)

I will encourage you to skip ahead to minute four where she explains that the bus was not "shooten."



The verbage to address this hot mess of a "press conference" escapes me at this moment.

So I will resort to a picture to express my emotions.




I miss the days when people's bangee moms would pop out the baby, get the check and do the slow fade into the background. PS: How are you refering to the child you birthed by his rap name? Even Thugnificent mama called him Otis Jenkins.

Flavor Flav's chicken joint is open for bidnass!

Dear God, It's Me Hostile Negress:

I know you're busy up there rallying your troops against Antoine Dodson, annointing Monique's legs and meditating on how to handle the "Toya situation" but I need you now more than ever.

I think it's time for you to call Flavor Flav home. He's done his duty here and has been an amazing ambassador to coonery. The blacks won't ever recover.

Do you think you could rapture him now? I'd sure appreciate it.

Thanks

-HN

Red Alert Coonery: Cocaine, meet pastry

Photo care of Necole Bitchie

I knooooow you see it. I'm so tempted to just slap this photo up here and allow you to self-tragedize. But that would be neglecting my duties as sergeant in arms against the spread of foolwangary and a publically elected documentor of coonanigans (Trademarked).

Soooo, I was in the midst of my normal morning routine as of late - downing of a mug of vodka while mumbling bitterly about The Man and perusing the latest submissions for Coon of the Year, when I stumbled upon the above photo, snapped at Ray J's 30th birthday.

Ray J. Yes, that. We won't delve into how he remains relevant anywhere on planet Earth; I will leave these mysteries to be solved by the likes of Stephen Hawkings, who has recieved a detailed WTF query.

Anywho, I was just about to move on when something about the cake caught my eye: Are those cocaine bricks atop the cake???

Nevermind that this fool would be summarily ground into a fine powder and distributed by the likes of Gucci Mane iffen he EVER set foot in an establishment peddling such bricks. (I won't even begin to address the "Pure" sign...) Nevermind that he has no familiarity with the monetary currency represented on the cake.

No, those are the obvious offenses. The real question is who made the cake? I thought Desserts by Latrell was closed?

And at this point, dear readers, I shall fold up my laptop, fold myself into 44 pieces, and await the mushroom cloud.

I suggest you do the same.

Great travesties in black film: The Heart Specialist (the devil is a liar!)

All. Star. Cast.

While you all were busy analyzing Linethia's RHOA hair sculpture, they slipped the above on us.

How glorious will this be? Take a peek and tell me:




In the name of the father, son, holy ghost and Sherman Helmsley, I want to say I officially BIND everybody involved with this. The actors. The directors. The writers. The grips. The people in charge of teasin' Marla's wigs and attaching her to the system of ropes and pullies that's surely keeping her ancient ass upright.

I will, however, send an economy sized bag of cheetos and a jar of Blue Magic to the makeup artist who spackled Jasmine Guy. Making her look 50 is truly a feet that deserves a danish or a Soul Train award or some type of recognition.

Haven't heard of this one? Apparently you're not the only one: While this is allegedly supposed to come out in two weeks (In theatres. In North America.) it still hasn't been rated.

Where they do THAT at?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, what pre-Armageddon planetary alignment has occured that created this particular slate of black "stars" (cough)? Mya and Method Man is already TRYING IT. Marla Gibbs, Terence J and Jennifer Lewis made me take my belt off.

But did they conjure up LEON???

I won't take on Avon Barksdale, since I know times have been hard since The Wire went night night, but I must give a misty side eye to Ed Asner. Dayum, what's REALLY going on there!

Again, I say, I BIND thee! The devil is a liar! This ain't over - expect to hear from my lawyer AND my ancestors behind this shenaniganry. Now let's just see which one of you all goes to see it. Tell ya what, you do that, and I'll be at home doing this:



GIFSoup

The Hostile Negress Speaks - New Year's Edition

Figured I'd dust this little diatribe off for you all - only about four days late, but you know how the Children of the Sun get down; you're lucky you got a New Year's jawn in January!

Spread liberally!

Women Hide Merchandise Under Their Fat Folds During A Shoplifting Spree!

*singing* Circles circles, round and round and while you're doing me so wrong I just keep holding you down!!!

Negro community, why hast thou forsaken me?

In the folds of your fat? Under the tittays? I blame Jack Johnson's wife for starting this.

Meanwhile Shmeco lookin' like "What? Oh, I guess I shouldn't have done that huh?"

I know this much: They ain't NE'ER gonna find the pig feet. *smug grin*

Get money!!!!

Free Nino!!!!

We're not going to talk about why you're not looking at a Florida Classic blog right now. Because it would just be impolite for you to press me out about that, and I just KNOW my faithful readers (muffled laugh) wouldn't want to make me lose my composure :)

Moving on. Today in coonery: Wesley Snipes is jail bound.




For those of us unfamiliar (and what's the rent like under that rock?) the Vampire in Brooklyn himself has been sentenced to three years in prison after an ongoing battle over tax evasion or some such.

Now, far be it from the Hostile Negress to kee kee as Captain Darkness prepares to enter the tossed salad camp, even if he DID say he'd rather date himself in drag than than waste his delicate good looks on the coonettes of the world. After all, midnight marauders need love too and deep down, the blackettes know they're having no parts of Mr. Snipes. Why be upset if the feeling is mutual? White women for everybody! I digress. While I won't mock the man who regularly showed up for breathless attorney meetings at my old Atlanta office, I WILL take a moment to offer a severe, third degree squinch eye to the myriad of black male celebs who recently decided on jail as the next logical career step.

Wayne, T.I. I'm looking directly at you. Gucci, I would be looking at you, but I don't have the stomach for that this evening.

Newsflash: Nobody needs you to prove your street cred. We all know you sleep on stacks of money and aren't out on the cold streets of anywhere hustling. You've got people for that!

So why don't you have people around to take the fall for your criminal "misunderstandings"? I definitely have someone to hold my cocaina AND my pills, no shade. I can't be gettin' yanked up - I have albums to drop!

The greater questions:

a) Is there an age when this gets old? Because I'm thinking Snipes has possibly passed that age. And Wayne too, no shade (I know 30s when I see 30s...)

and

b) Tax evasion? Is that really what's taking Nino Brown down? The old man with the shaky gun was much more entertaining. Can we at least get a shoot out? Ok, ok, I'll settle for Christopher Williams singing "Don't wake me, I'm dreaminnnn!"

For his sake, I hope Snipes recalls a little bit of that jiu jitsu from his Blockbuster hits. Donning one of T.I.'s Cosby sweaters and some erudite personality glasses is advised; he's also still got time to rescue a would-be jumper!


"Nino Brown, your presence is required in hell" game proper!!!!


(*lest we forget, Lil Wayne actually has used the Nino Brown moniker for a series of direct to street films. Black progress in action people!)