Introducing Save the Hoes - A Campaign for America's Future! (Wet-n-wavy weave shenans inside...)

As the many noses of NeNe Leakes have no doubt shown us, fuckshit flung about recklessly can only beget more fuckshit (Ashe!) and for that reason, I have opted to come out of my self-imposed Caveman Valentine/Catwoman hibernation status to address the following...

Watch This: Lil Mama's New Video Scrawberry

Lil Mama (or Lil Lhama if you're nasty) Has New Music Out!

End times children, end times.

This is one of those moments in which I feel so thoroughly conflicted as a celebrity shade blogger.

On the one claw, I feel like I SHOULD inform you that this is happening - and by "this" I mean Lil Mama and her continued insistence on a career.

And yet, on the other claw, I really don't want to be responsible for your trip to The Upper Room should you be foolish enough to press play and commit visual sin in your heart (since you will almost certainly succumb to the overwhelming allure of Lil Lama in 42 Dollar Bin wigs and drowned puppy-like breastlets - drowned puppies being among the saddest things on earth...)

I'm not ready to make such decisions, so I'll just lay the cyanide pills on your dresser and walk out quietly, "what your girl don't know what hurt her" style.

More Lil Mama acts of music below.





INFINITE SIGH.

Lesbian charged after beating partner with strap on penis/dildo

Police: Lesbian couple argued before dildo domestic violence (doves crying)

When I tell you nights like this I wish raindrops would fall...


First of all, Georgia folks, you can relax: This is some bonafide Florida Fuggery, so you're off the hook this time. Second of all, Popeye's I need you to screen your employees better! If this sister is laying her Ike Turner smack down with the silicon sausage, I have some SERIOUS questions about what she might be doing with the extra crispy drums.

You'd better stop and think about it!

Video Inside: Church Stabbing

Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)

WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.




Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.

Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!

American Hoodery Exported: Nigerian Music, "Crank that Naija Boy" Makes The Rounds

Disclaimer:

*No Zamundans were harmed in the filming of these videos!*


You know it has to be serious if I risked my life gnawing through twine and busting out of the the cage in which Chris Brown has held me for the past three weeks (custom constructed from Rihanna’s hair and bones, respectively) to bring you this post.

But this, dear readers, is serious. I am a soldier in the war against ratchetery and I will go down fighting before I allow the forces of banjiness to destroy this beautiful planet!

From weave to shining weave!!!

With that, I bring you this - some type of Africanized Soulja Boy hybrid that features congos, Muslim robes and a heavy dose of Jaysus tears.


Naija Boy up in this hoe ... watch me shake my ass like so.”


You know, YouTube has been a repeat offender and corporal in the Elite Coonery Squadron for at least four years but this ... wait, I hear my cell phone. Hello.

Who is this? It’s who? The ancestors calling from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? What are you saying - wait calm down, calm down stop yelling!! Ok, got it.

Kunta and them said they did NOT endure the Middle Passage for you and Matumbe to be posted up on an ‘88 Honda talm’ ‘bout Zulu-mannin’ that hoe while your cousin breakbacks it to congos in the background!



Shaka is going to fug. you. up.


So for those of you who aren’t aware, apparently Naija is a cutesy term for Nigerian which is a cutesy term for ratchet charlatan who will try to get you to wire them $5,000 to help them secure the future of their kingdom.

Yup, I’m that batch. Bring it on Naija Boyz!

In addition to cooking up some of the most HEELARIOUS direct-to-DVD Nigerian movies you could ever hope to see (don’t act like you haven’t scanned the back cover of “Ajila’s Choice” while gnawing on a goat nugget at the African swap meet...) apparently Naijas also enjoy remaking videos of the American hood variety.

I could go on about the trials and tribulations of Nigerian music, but the power of grayskull won’t let me. So I’ll just post the videos and let you sift through your emotions.

Tissues are in the drawer.

*Warning: These Naija videos include several disturbing images of Motherland hoodery.



Naija Girls (Proof that the horrors of $50 sew ins have indeed hit the Motherland)





I'm not going to sit here and lie to you: I've been fascinated by the banginess of African pop culture for at least a century. More than once The African Channel's soap operas have left me posted up on a couch for hours on end, determined to figure out if Mnuembe really DID get it on with Onyeka after the Naija Boyz concert in Lagos!

If you've got a hankering for more ratchetry, and let's face it, you're ignorant so you definitely do, check out NaijaTube and prepare for uncontrollable weeping and kee kees. In that order.

Police: Burglars Bypassing Cash, Stealing Wet and Wavy Weave Nationwide

Police: Criminals Ignoring Cash, Stealing Thousands in Remy Weave Nationwide

I hate every last thing about this – and I especially hate that the first image that popped into my head was that of a Set It Off style showdown, complete with Vivica Fox getting brain juice splattered on her chin for being too slow on the gotdamned register.


*Stop screaming and put the Sensationnel 22-inch party ponytail in the bag - I got BINGO tonight whore!*

According to The New York Times (More on their devolution into chroniclers of elite coonery later…):

(The thieves) "did not give the safe or cash register a second look.
Instead they went straight for what was most valuable: human hair...During the past two months alone, robbers in quest of human hair have killed a beauty shop supplier in Michigan and carried out heists nationwide in which they have made off with tens of thousands of dollars of hair at a time. “

Note to The Weave Shop: Invest in copious Biz Markie portraits pit bulls TODAY!

I'm telling you straight off: Iffen I end up dead on the floor of "Thank Jaysus The Loan Came Through Miraculous Heavenly Hands Beauty Salon and Check Cashing" behind some Beyonce weave, I'm coming back to haunt ERY damned body, you smell me?

Beyonce weave straight claiming lives. Sensationnel instant weave got folks headed to the drive-thru mortuary.

Logging. Off.

I knew wet and wavy weave was destroying this community one scalp at a time. But I figured the end would look more like Tamar Braxton’s wig vault or Naomi Campbell’s parched ass hairline as it lays on the salon floor clutching its neck and gasping for air.

I never figured on some Juice type shat behind Remy weave. Bishop play too much!

More here:

In addition to the $150,000 Houston robbery this month, thieves have recently taken $10,000 in hair from a San Diego shop; $85,000 from a business in Missouri City, Tex.; $10,000 from a shop in Dearborn, Mich.; and $60,000 from a business in San Leandro, Calif.

Notice that the Asians aren’t included in this story. Why? Because Wong and them BEEN hip to the Children of the Sun’s fuckery and prepared themselves with an assortment of weaponry for that ass years ago. You make a move on some Remy weave in any Korean-owned, inner city hair mart if you wanna – you’ll have a ninja star in your retina and a numchuck up the ass faster than you can say "Chung’s Weave Emporium-n-Daycare don’t even get down like that son!"

I speak from experience!

I too was about to pull down my ski mask and get crunk and disorderly behind a wet and wavy weave drawstring pony, before I learned that I could dutty wine just as effectively with a head full of Afghan hound as with human hair weave. The more you know! Haters can stay on their job - the kennel has done me well and I haven't had to violate probation.

Why is President Obama chasing after terrorists when we have a crisis of epic proportions right here on American shores??? Gas costs $10,000 a gallon and batches pockets are looking anemic. None of which negates the need for wet and wavy weave splendor.

Sistas gotta work the Beyonce weave out! And that means there will be blood Mr. President. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.



PS: I know in my heart that each Toni Braxton sister is involved with this. Hell, from the looks of those cheap weave catastrophes, I NEED them to be involved with this...

Mid-day Foolywang: Whitney Houston - I'm back in drug rehab, but not for drugs!

UPDATE: Apparently Bobbi Kristina (you know, Whitney Houston's highly successful daughter) could be heading to club muff for something involving guns. Is there some type of miracle water or magic beans or something we can get these folks??? Because when Bobby Brown's yestersexy ass is doing the best in the family, you're beyond the help of Jaysus!

Whitney Houston is back! *whispers* in rehab. (I'm such a faulty person.)

I guess when she said she was clean two years ago, she meant to say dirtier than rapper Jim Jones' period draws. And from the looks of that swarthy ninja, that's pretty damned dirty.

According to CNN, Washington Post and assorted other entities snickering this afternoon:

"Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. "Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Houston initially entered rehab in 2004, telling ABC News interviewer Diane Sawyer at the time: "I partied a lot. Trust me: I partied my tail off." But, the singer also admitted, "You get to a point where you know the party's over."

Now, her spokesperson won't specify just what she's getting treatment for, but sounds to me like Nippy's back up to her "Waiting to Inhale" antics, hitting homerun slides into piles of white magic Tony Montagna-style. In the words of iconic beard enthusiast Teddy Riley, "It. Ain't. Over."

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Honestly, this confession only shocks you if you a) haven't heard her squawk sing recently, or b) haven't taken a look at the alien-incubator midsection she's been cultivating for the past 15 quarters.

Naturally, I've BEEN on to her: You can't keep slithering into evening dresses with that Somalian-who-just-ate-a-hearty-sammich type figure and not arouse an eyebrow raise on the Hostile One, mkay?

The news follows about two summers of sham wows. It was just 2009 when Whitney Houston tagteamed with Jaysus and Clive Davis to release a new album and declare herself spic and span - a move emphasized by her appearance sans disheveled wig and in sensible shoes. Clive rolled out a cleaned up, fully trussed version of Whitney Houston - it was like Frankie had been run through an all-cloth car wash!

Well apparently either Jaysus couldn't help her or he sold her the rocks. He can be real funny that way! According to media reports she gave an uneven performance at a Dionne Warwick tribute recently and we're all familiar with the "on again, off again" schedule she maintained during her "Nothing But Love" comeback tour a year ago.

Don't these musicians watch The Five Heartbeats? You can't do The Drugs and keep making money!

In any event, I think it's time for Whitney Houston's handlers to accept the inevitable: This once golden-voiced diva has ruined herself and there is, sadly, no chance for a return. She'll come back when Naomi Campbell's hairline does - which will be never.

Instead, I'm suggesting they consider a "Teddy Ruxpin" strategy, in which Whitney Houston (rather than being asked to actually perform) is fitted with an Mp3 player chest panel with a pre-selected playlist for all future concert performances. This relieves the pressure on the faded diva, who will be responsible only for an extra shoulder shimmy and a colorful "I look to you Cleveland! Woohoo!" during each performance, while ensuring audiences are not subject to any type of croaking or other fuggery.



It's an updated Milli Vanilli!


PS: Far be it from me to imply shady dealings, but haven't you noticed that Bobby Brown is back out with music (Nostradamus end times prediction no. 22,300,873) AND there's talk of a Waiting to Exhale sequel? Could this actually be a very elaborate attempt at stealing Stroke Mouth's shine??

Oh Nippy! That's just tired.

Drive Thru Mortuary Makes Viewing Dead Convenient. (Sadly, Fries and Sundaes Unavailable)

Drive. Thru. Mortuary.

In the words of Ike Turner's stunt double Chris Brown: I'm done.

 


From The LA Times:

Adams funeral parlor, a fixture in Compton since 1974, brings to the business of death a convenience of the living: drive-thru viewing of the dead.
Visitors are greeted by a huge red-lettered sign above the entrance of the stone building on East Palmer Street. In the reception lounge, gold chandeliers dangle so low that tall visitors have to duck. Plastic swathes the pink upholstered seats.

So much fuckery. So little time. Just once, ONCE, can I PLEASE click on something like this and The Blacks not be involved? Can't it be like, Rosie Perez and them? Meanwhile, I would like to go on the record right here, now and TODAY as putting my family on notice -

YOU'D BETTER NOT EVEN THINK OF REDUCING ME TO THE STATUS OF A BACONATOR AFTER I'VE BEEN ASSASSINATED!

I urge you, dear reader, to make your family aware of your post-mortem wishes as well -- or risk a funeral service that involves a side of seasoned fries and a sweet iced tea. You will NOT get sweet and sour sauce on my home-going outfit! Meanwhile, is it me, or does this give an odd corpse zoo affect (as opposed to, you know, a NOT odd corpse zoo affect)?

There's more:

"It's a unique feature that sets us aside from other funeral parlors," said (owner)Peggy Scott Adams..."You can come by after work, you don't need to deal with parking, you can sign the book outside and the family knows that you paid your respects," said Scott Adams. "It's a convenience thing."

Did she just imply that you could scoot on through in the Cutlass Supreme and view Grandma Nana on the way to Laquisha's Clip-n-Weave????? Well hell, since we're talking about convenience, why not just rig up one of those vacuum tubes like they have at the bank drive thru? Just stuff the body in the container, and ZIP ZOOM - Cousin Mookie is gone home to the Upper Room!

In the spirit of the Pulitzers, I'm going to go ahead and give this patron saint of shazzamery a 2011 Golden Coon Award. The ancestors are truly stunned right now.

*wanders off singing "you's a window shoooooper!" - since I'm a drop dead asshole*

Doing Too Much Warning: Mashonda remakes Juicy Fruit

This right here is the type of shit that makes a batch wanna take to the streets with a sock full of billiard balls straight swingin’ at hoes. I mean seriously – you just gonna remake Juicy Fruit?

I mean – didn’t change a lyric. Didn’t add an additional "ooooo baby." Didn’t put Gucci on there. No. You just Google’d “Song I Was Conceived To,” printed out the lyrics to "Juicy Fruit" at Staples and headed down to the Ark Music Company for your debut? Nevermind that it’s anybody’s guess why you are taking us back to the era when Rick James wasn’t full-figured – you couldn’t AT LEAST use the robot voice or something, just to mix it up??


Mtume says this ain’t over AT ALL Mashonda. PS: Pedro looks like he will snatch a bitch weave out and throw it in the fireplace with the QUICKNESS. Be concerned!


I'm issuing a Code Booger Green “You’re doin’ way too much boo boo” alert for Mashonda, in light of her recent antics.

* dims light, screen drops down, grabs laser pointer *

My data shows that Mashonda has been involved in an upswing of foolywang incidents – a veritable blitzreig of fuggery – over the past two quarters. You'll find in your information packets a pie chart documenting the ratio of fuggery to non-fuggery as well as details of recent incidents. These include:

Exhibit A: The High Top Crotch Shot


(Note to Mashonda: That dude from Cameo – you know, the one with the shiny thang holder – called and he sounded REAL cranky…)
Exhibit B:

Love & Hip Hop |Olivia Longott |Somaya Reece |Mashonda Tifrere

The Love and Hip Hop shenanigan unfolding each and every weekend as part of VH1’s all-new “evening with a coon” lineup.

(Watch out BET – VH1 is changing the negro hijinx game. Hummin’ comin’ atcha!)

And finally,

Exhibit C: The launch of “Mashondaloyal.com” (subtle, boo) which includes excerpts from her new hardcover (!) book originally titled “Bitter: Party of One!” but subsequently changed to “Death of a Mermaid: Rebirth of a Goddess” – because that makes the most sense, clearly.

I’m personally saving up my coins for the much anticipated Blu Cantrell memoire “Tales of a Light Skint Nothin’” but that hasn’t stopped me from checking out excerpts from Mermaid (!):

One day, I skipped school and as I was walking through Greenwich Village someone walked up to me and said he liked my look. He also wanted to know if I sang and I responded, "hell, yes!" I was immediately invited to join a girl group and although the group didn't work out, that introduction led entrée into the music industry. Within months, I was co-writing and singing with the members of Full Force, who were sizzling hot from their work with Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and N Sync.

My co-writing with Full Force led to a deal on Warner/Chapell Music as a songwriter. I was
20-years old and scored a $50,000 writing contract.

(Fact check: Her bio says she was born in 1981, which would make it 2002 when she would have been singing with Full Force – an eyebrow raiser unless she was singing with Full Force while composing Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers at Wendy’s on the swing shift…)

But back to the matter at hand.

I have sympathy for Mashonda and all.
I mean, for one, bearing a name that’s clearly the result of a moms who was a Civic drivin’ potato enthusiast can’t be easy. Nor can watching your hawk-faced Arab schlong dealer husband frolicking in the province of Fierce with a beweaved mulatress be an easy pill to swallow.

It’s all so trifling and confusing and I understand that.

But these stunts and antics she’s been rollin’ out lately are just not the question, the answer OR the aftermath.

If she continues with this, I’ll be forced to issue an official Ho Sit Down decree.

After that, I catch the Bolt bus up to Harlem and straighten a batch out face to face. You don’t want that to happen. Ask Foxy.

Bobby Brown speaks on daughter's singing ability - A Nigga Please Moment

What's really tea on his face in this picture? Slap an off kilter wig on there and I swear he looks like Nana.


I digress. The King of Pop (spit take) and his stroke lips are back at it, prophesizing greatness for his most well-known spawn, Bobbi Kristina. That poor child never had a chance.

From From Contactmusic

In an appearance on U.S. TV show The View on Monday (07Mar11), Brown said, "She sings like a bird. She sings a little better than Whitney and she has my legs so (she can dance)..."
And the My Prerogative singer wants to team up with his daughter on record: "I'm gonna do duets with all of my kids; they all sing and dance, so I'm just waiting for the right time to strike, you know, the Brown clan."

Yes. I'll be waiting on that.

Mike Tyson and his pet pigeons get their own show (Hands Jesus Kleenex)

Getty


Soooooo, at the point at which you have a tattoo on your face, it becomes pretty safe to say you might "have some shit with you" if you know what I mean. Thus having a pack of killer pigeons might follow according to some sort of Nebulian, solar logic.

But exactly why Animal Planet would sign up for this fuggery is a question for brains much veinier than my own:

Animal Planet has long been a network about people and their pets, so why not boxer Mike Tyson and his pet pigeons? The animal-oriented cable channel answers that question with “Taking on Tyson,” a new six-part series about Iron Mike and his beloved birds, premiering March 6.

Oh ok. *strokes beard and handlebar moustache* And yet there's more:

Ever since he was a boy, Tyson, 44, kept pigeons as pets. In fact, legend has it that the first punch he ever threw was aimed at a neighborhood bully who killed one of Tyson’s pigeons (reportedly by yanking off its head) and threw it in his face.

Let me just say that I have officially become the most evil bitch in the Western Hemisphere for thinking I should have BEEN done this to several people. Think of all the pigeons I had access to, and how many situations in which this would have been totally appropriate. *smashes fist into hand*

Anyways, I'm thinking we might want to dig up Aristotle and them to ponder just what might be going on with Iron Mike. Only his relevance faded sometime between the depature of assymetrical haircuts and the arrival of patent leather shoes with sheer ribbons (I will be SO ready when those come back)so I'm officially over it.

And you should be too. Only you will scoff at this posting and then rush home and TiVo the show. And then come March 6, you will close your bedroom door and turn up your Solja Boy music really loud and pretend you're in there rapping in the mirror the way you do sometimes but really you're in there watching the show and weeping over how sensitive Mike is with his birds. And then you'll go to work and be all "As if!" all the while knowing that you are now hooked on "Mike Tyson's World-o-Birds" or "Mike Tyson: Bird Whisperer" or "Mike Tyson and his Bird Wives" or whatever this shat is called.

It's all good. I'm addicted to that WhirlyWords app pretty terrible. We all have our crosses to bear.

Kidney transplant sisters released from Mississippi jail might be headed back behind Newports, pork rinds (Eff. Life.)

Sooooo, remember those ladies who were like, in jail for 10 million years or something because they stole a pair of draws but it was really because they were black and then they got out and the slaves all sang and the massa bought out a big pineapple upside down cake? This happened like, last month. Well whatevs, them batches is going back to jail!

From CBS:

There's a "complication" in the case of Mississippi ex-convicts sisters Jamie and Gladys Scott, who won their release from life prison terms on the grounds that one sister would give the other a kidney.

What is it? What could it be? Was there a loophole in the legal work? Is some racist judge accusing them of stealing Slim Jims now?

Nah boo. It comes down to Newports.

Jamie Scott said Wednesday that a doctor said she has to lose 100 pounds to receive the transplant. She said would-be donor Gladys must lose 60 pounds and stop smoking.
Barbour hasn't said whether he'll send the sisters back to prison if the transplant doesn't happen.

*In Martin Lawrence voice* Hole up. Hole up. Didn't I march for your ass with the signs and ERYTHANG? So now you basically telling me you have to curb the honeybaked ham sammiches and put the brakes on the Virginia Slims or your asses is going back to the jaily jail? AFter I wore down my loafers???

Looks at sisters:


Looks at honeybaked ham sammich:




They're going to jail



(Note: You KNOW I'm gonna use that punchbowl jawn whenever possible. I. Love. That. Shat.)

Ja Rule recording new album, filming new reality show

I'm emphasizing "new" because I want you all to realize that I am indeed, NOT speaking to you from a vortex in the year 1999. With that said, I encourage you to slip into a Gordon's fisherman outfit, because this shat is about to get chest-deep.

So um er, before Ja Rule goes off to jaily jail, he has a few things he has to wrap up - one might assume settling affairs concerning his position with Cinnabon and ensuring all his small man clothing is in storage. Well one would be wrong.

Ja Rule is makin' moves son!

From AllHipHop:

Rapper Ja Rule is working on a new reality show, as he prepares to surrender to police in March, to start a 2 1/2 year prison sentence.
Ja, who is currently in Miami putting the finishing touches on his album Renaissance Project, is also busy filming the untitled reality series.

To quote Scooby Doo, bow rorrowoworrowww? New reality show? Hell, NEW ALBUM? Alright, which one of you wanted some more Ja-rhymes? Raise your hand up, it's ok. We won't judge you. But we will have to thrash you.

"My reality show, I like it because it's showing a strong black family going through a tough time," Ja Rule said. "And how we band together as a family and how my wife and kids, my moms and her moms, bond together during this tough time when I have to go in."
Although the series will deal with Ja Rule's upcoming bid, the rapper said the main focus of the show was about "black love." "It's really a good show and it shows black love in a good way," Ja Rule said.

*swan dives into casket*

And THAT is how you start your Wednesday!

And still I gag: This week's Foxy Brown moment

This:

According to TMZ, the female emcee was scheduled to perform on Wednesday (February 16th) at a Fashion Week event for designer Indashio that didn't go over so well with the party planners. The event was a fashion show after-party at New York City’s Red Bull Space. Foxy showed up minutes before the event closed, at 1:20 AM the next day (February 17th) completely intoxicated.

Foxy then locked herself in one of the restrooms and refused to come out. She was physically removed by a security guard and escorted off the premises.

I don't EVEN have time to be creative with this. I'm gonna start slapping these posts about The Truly Outrageous World of Inga Marchand up with about as much care and consideration as she shows toward her eyeliner.

Anyway, the crowning jewel of the evening, according to MissJia, was this:


Get. Your. Glamour. Shots. AWWWWWWNNNN!

This is all pretty rote - predictable and mechanical, you know, sorta like Rihanna's stage performances always being a chop. But what IS interesting is the notion of Foxy having a paying job and just who was ready to throw some coins on the table for a "performance" almost certain to start with Henny and end before a magistrate?

Well, wondering just what this Indashio was and whether s/he was on the same yayo as The Fox, I did a little sniffing around. I discovered a web site and pix that were quite ovah.

But like all coonery, the shazzam finally set in in the form of an "About Indashio" page that set me wayyyy back in my effort to stop coonin' and get my day started.

Celebrities that adore INDASHIO include Amber Rose, Aubrey O'day, Amerie, Amanda Lepore, Christina Milian, Eve, Kat De Luna, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Lindsey Wixson, Lil'Kim, Nicky Hilton, Patricia Field, Sessilee Lopez, Selita Ebanks, Shontelle, Theodora Richards, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Carlton, Vivica Fox to name a few.

*screeeeeech*

Come get your stuff and don't call me. No mo.

Maryland lawmakers honor Chuck Brown, play go go music in Statehouse. No seriously.

'Cause that's how it is, and that's how it's gonna be.

Maryland, my Maryland. The Beiges had NO idea what they were doing when they UPS'd the Children of the Sun to your shores so wantonly. 400 years later, this type of shat unfolds with abandon:

Lawmakers Bust Loose With Chuck Brown (That headline alone deserves a choke slam):

On Friday, the Maryland General Assembly honored Chuck Brown, the godfather and creator of Go Go in the United States. WBAL-TV 11 News reporter David Collins said some lawmakers danced while some of Brown's music was played.

GIFSoup


*Elizabeth, I'm comin' to join ya, wit a parched texturizer on my dome and a pair of Stacy Adams shoes on my feet*

Now I love and respect our ancient and rapidly vanishing negroes and I believe we should make every effort possible to preserve them before they are but a memory. However, I'm just wondering about the scene in the statehouse when this was poppin' off. Delegates doing the heehaw? Lawmakers puttin' it in the pocket? Were congos involved? If there is a God, please tell me there were half smokes and deviled eggs.

But it gets better!

Brown donned a leather suit and snake-skin boots with metal tips along with his trademark glasses and wide-brimmed hat.

There was a picture of him standing in said shoes on the statehouse floor, but I love you all too much to post that.

Instead, I'll leave you with a selection from the Chuck Brown Don Diva Style Files and encourage your mind to run free with the remaining potentialies of Friday's coon show down.



My soul feels exactly like that shirt looks.

The Hostile Negress Speaks IV: Why I got to have mesothelioma though???

My pisstivity having reached levels not seen since your cousins from the Congo realized they were indeed NOT going on a three-hour tour, I went ahead and hooked up a Hostile Negress Speaks for y'all fine folks.

Douse it behind your ears and all that.

VH1 show featuring *cough* Jim Jones battles with Baltimore Inmate Wives for settin' back the race dominance

I'm gonna put down my goblet of cranapple and level with you: I had zero intention of posting a daaaaaamn thing this evern, especially since I see that certain ungrateful negreaux (this means you man in the mirror) fall way off when a sistah isn't supplying you with a continuous stream of coonanigans.

Mmmmhmmm. 75 hits when I conjure up tails of weaves gone wrong. And one hit when a batch takes a nap. Shat like this is why I'm joining the Klan.

But 'tis Black History Month. And I have duties to find gems of fuggery for the masses. It just so happens that today, care of Miss Jia and my fave Crunk and Disorderly booka Freshalina, I have happened upon a trove indeed.

Now, and I remember when there used to be something called scripted TV. But nowadays all it takes is a wonk eye and a bad quick weave (hey NeNe!) and you're a "star." And THAT is precisely what's to blame for Baltimore Inmate Housewives. And I swear to Big Baby Osiris Jesus that I wish I made this up.



I ABSOLUTELY demand that you direct your eyes to the background ambiance. Did someone just empty their purse everywhere in that house? It smells like catfish and coconut hairgrease in there. That's not an interrogative - I'm presenting that as a solid, verified statement.

Not to be outdone by the likes of Charm City, VH1 is polishign off some elite jungleboogie fuckery - and you KNOW it's real when Mashonda AND Olivia are involved.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

I almost peed - did this heaux just ask Jim "Keep soap alive" Jones to marry her? Jim "15'oclock Shadow" Jones? Jim "Bump be gone ain't do shat for my throat" Jones?? THAT NIG????

I refuse to address his basso profundo-voiced moms besides saying that I want to see her, Frankie and Alan Iverson's mama in a cage match IMMEDIATELY.

Negrodamus told me that this will be the most outrageous February yet. And if this continues, I may end the month in adult diapers.

Don't judge. They'll be kente cloth.

Meagan Good wants to play Whitney Houston (Kleenex available)

From Necole Bitchie


Let me just come out of the closet in saying that I absolutely have stood by Meagan Good through all of her many, MANY fashion missteps, errant hairstyles and tragic "acting." Why? Because I believe in my heart that she is simply a bad, bad batch and will one day inherit my pancake goddess crown.

But this sheat right chea? I mean, when you start talking about wanting to play Whitney Houston in a biopic? I just about spit my bland ass McDonald's oatmeal out, Three Stooges style (side note: Don't buy that shat. Ever.)

From an upcoming Vibe interview care of Necole Bitchie:

I’m kind of coming to the acceptance that [playing Aaliyah] maybe that might not happen.

You know I'm gonna go ahead and stop right there. Because as much as I love that heau, Aliyah tweren't nobody to be dreaming of playing. Hell, the batch was only alive for 21 years and spent half of that being lambasted as R-Kelly's potentially cross eyed nutsac minder. REAL. TALK.

Oh but there's more.

Right now, I’m focused on doing Whitney Houston’s life story. That’s my personal dream role. I grew up with Ray J. I know a lot of people that know her. I think it’s something that can definitely be a realization should I sit down with her and start developing it. Even though I know her story’s definitely not done by any means, I think what she’s already been through and to come out on the other side is a story all in itself.

Girl stop the world's rotation right. this. INSTANT. Booming Wizard of Oz-like laugh.

And there you have it. Somewhere, someone truly let this child of god down. When your goal is to play Whitney Houston - a role that will almost certainly involve diving into a piling of white powder or falling head first from a stage, I mean, there's really nothing else that can be said.

No. No I'm not going to leave it at that. If Tatiana Ali can be resurrected from the depths of 1991 to have that tired ass "Look what I can do with Sony Vegas 9" TV show (show in airquotes) then we can get Megan a job.

Who will join me in this today? I'm talkin' full on - rallies, prayer circles and possibly heading down to Alabama for a march across the Pettus bridge. We can't allow this!

First they came for Chipotle and we said nothing. Then they came for Meagan Good and we said nothing. What's next?????

Put down those pig's feet and DO SOMETHING!

You TOO can smell like a Kardashodum!

They had me at "Available at Perfumania"



I have only one question: How is this a fragrance for both sexes? I was under the impression Lamar and that other guy were a same sex couple? I may bust up some shat if I find out I spent $80 on a ROYGBIV cake at Pastry Pizzazz for nothing!

*roll up the banners. Gay pride is canceled this year*

$20 says this smells like Rap Musk (don't EVEN act like you didn't spritz yourself with that shat in 1994) and printer ink, with the subtlest touch of olive juice.

PS: This ad made me want to stop having sex. Forever.

Method Man hates your naps, and other fuggery that mattered mostly in 1996 or so

This just in: Method Man doesn't fug with your nappy headed ass.



I'm still picking up the pieces.

Ain't this cat like, 42? I'm concerned that he won't become a deacon at this rate...