Video Inside: Church Stabbing

Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)

WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.




Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.

Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!



Anywho, several Taser pops and under-the-tongue razor slashes later, Sister Agolia Moore's got an arm sewn up tighter than Beyonce's wet and wavy weave and is having second thoughts about her church home!

From NBC 15:

It all went down at the New Welcome Baptist Church in St. Elmo. Local 15'S Andrea Ramey talked exclusively with the woman who had to get 19 stitches after the brawl.
"I said, 'oh my god he done cut me!" said Agolia Moore.
(INSERT SLOW MOTION WALL SLIDE HERE)
Moore says church leaders ganged up and fired her son Simone, who had been serving as the music minister. "They owed him. He asked them for his money. That was the big thing right there, wasn't no more or no less," said Moore.
Investigators say Deacon Harvey Hunt whipped out a knife and started slashing at people

I said it at the Pig Foot Bash last week and I'll continue to say it: Deacon Harvey is Public Enemy No. 1! He got legs like bats and I'm pretty sure he's got that nasty woman's disease! ANNNND I thank he's on that stuff - look at his teeth! If there's one thing that Alexander O'Neal's TVOne Unsung episode has taught me, it's that people who are on that stuff ALWAYS are missing teeth.

They smoke them.

Sister Agolia (that name is so gorgeous girl!) goes on to tell NBC that her son had been having problems with a rival house of poorly weaved church queens church elders concerning jealousy over his Louis bags and her clear domination of the baby hair gamemusical selections. I'm actually shocked the sistah couldn't stick and move, since as I've already explained, all black women are really just dudes in old Willona Woods Good Times Season 1 wigs. Anywho, Deacon slashed and yes, her son did indeed Tase Pastor Daryl Riley, she tells NBC. But you have to dig deeper to understand what REALLY went wrong here:

More from NBC:

"Last Sunday, Simone didn't take the Lord's supper from him. And he was hot about that. Well, you can't make nobody take the Lord's Supper, communion, if they don't want to take it," said Moore.

Wait a second,

HE REFUSED TO TAKE THE LORD'S SUPPER FROM HIM?



Well sheeeeeeeeiiiiiit!!! That changes thangs!! You mean baptist church leaders took the time to double crunch an entire sleeve of saltine crackers and pour their hard-earned Ocean Spray Cran Apple into decorative shot glasses only to have some skew eyed church queen turn up his nose at it? It's nights like these when you have to ask yourself WWJD? I'll tell you what Jaysus would do - he'd whip his yaki weave back,  shimmy his shoulder Beyonce Run the World style and prepare to take a batch all thee way to the mat, mkay!

And that's exactly what the good deacon did. ASHAY batches!

Boo had that comin' - as well he should have known when he shaded House Mother Deacon Harvey at the Allure function in May. Have a seat next to Basset Hound Wife Basketball Wife Jennifer Williams -