Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Police: Burglars Bypassing Cash, Stealing Wet and Wavy Weave Nationwide

Police: Criminals Ignoring Cash, Stealing Thousands in Remy Weave Nationwide

I hate every last thing about this – and I especially hate that the first image that popped into my head was that of a Set It Off style showdown, complete with Vivica Fox getting brain juice splattered on her chin for being too slow on the gotdamned register.

*Stop screaming and put the Sensationnel 22-inch party ponytail in the bag - I got BINGO tonight whore!*

According to The New York Times (More on their devolution into chroniclers of elite coonery later…):
(The thieves) "did not give the safe or cash register a second look.
Instead they went straight for what was most valuable: human hair...During the past two months alone, robbers in quest of human hair have killed a beauty shop supplier in Michigan and carried out heists nationwide in which they have made off with tens of thousands of dollars of hair at a time. “

Note to The Weave Shop: Invest in copious Biz Markie portraits pit bulls TODAY!

I'm telling you straight off: Iffen I end up dead on the floor of "Thank Jaysus The Loan Came Through Miraculous Heavenly Hands Beauty Salon and Check Cashing" behind some Beyonce weave, I'm coming back to haunt ERY damned body, you smell me?

Beyonce weave straight claiming lives. Sensationnel instant weave got folks headed to the drive-thru mortuary.

Logging. Off.

I knew wet and wavy weave was destroying this community one scalp at a time. But I figured the end would look more like Tamar Braxton’s wig vault or Naomi Campbell’s parched ass hairline as it lays on the salon floor clutching its neck and gasping for air.

I never figured on some Juice type shat behind Remy weave. Bishop play too much!

More here:

In addition to the $150,000 Houston robbery this month, thieves have recently taken $10,000 in hair from a San Diego shop; $85,000 from a business in Missouri City, Tex.; $10,000 from a shop in Dearborn, Mich.; and $60,000 from a business in San Leandro, Calif.

Notice that the Asians aren’t included in this story. Why? Because Wong and them BEEN hip to the Children of the Sun’s fuckery and prepared themselves with an assortment of weaponry for that ass years ago. You make a move on some Remy weave in any Korean-owned, inner city hair mart if you wanna – you’ll have a ninja star in your retina and a numchuck up the ass faster than you can say "Chung’s Weave Emporium-n-Daycare don’t even get down like that son!"

I speak from experience!

I too was about to pull down my ski mask and get crunk and disorderly behind a wet and wavy weave drawstring pony, before I learned that I could dutty wine just as effectively with a head full of Afghan hound as with human hair weave. The more you know! Haters can stay on their job - the kennel has done me well and I haven't had to violate probation.

Why is President Obama chasing after terrorists when we have a crisis of epic proportions right here on American shores??? Gas costs $10,000 a gallon and batches pockets are looking anemic. None of which negates the need for wet and wavy weave splendor.

Sistas gotta work the Beyonce weave out! And that means there will be blood Mr. President. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

PS: I know in my heart that each Toni Braxton sister is involved with this. Hell, from the looks of those cheap weave catastrophes, I NEED them to be involved with this...

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