Monday, May 9, 2011

Mid-day Foolywang: Whitney Houston - I'm back in drug rehab, but not for drugs!





UPDATE: Apparently Bobbi Kristina (you know, Whitney Houston's highly successful daughter) could be heading to club muff for something involving guns. Is there some type of miracle water or magic beans or something we can get these folks??? Because when Bobby Brown's yestersexy ass is doing the best in the family, you're beyond the help of Jaysus!

Whitney Houston is back! *whispers* in rehab. (I'm such a faulty person.)

I guess when she said she was clean two years ago, she meant to say dirtier than rapper Jim Jones' period draws. And from the looks of that swarthy ninja, that's pretty damned dirty.

According to CNN, Washington Post and assorted other entities snickering this afternoon:

"Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. "Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Houston initially entered rehab in 2004, telling ABC News interviewer Diane Sawyer at the time: "I partied a lot. Trust me: I partied my tail off." But, the singer also admitted, "You get to a point where you know the party's over."


Now, her spokesperson won't specify just what she's getting treatment for, but sounds to me like Nippy's back up to her "Waiting to Inhale" antics, hitting homerun slides into piles of white magic Tony Montagna-style. In the words of iconic beard enthusiast Teddy Riley, "It. Ain't. Over."

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Honestly, this confession only shocks you if you a) haven't heard her squawk sing recently, or b) haven't taken a look at the alien-incubator midsection she's been cultivating for the past 15 quarters.

Naturally, I've BEEN on to her: You can't keep slithering into evening dresses with that Somalian-who-just-ate-a-hearty-sammich type figure and not arouse an eyebrow raise on the Hostile One, mkay?

The news follows about two summers of sham wows. It was just 2009 when Whitney Houston tagteamed with Jaysus and Clive Davis to release a new album and declare herself spic and span - a move emphasized by her appearance sans disheveled wig and in sensible shoes. Clive rolled out a cleaned up, fully trussed version of Whitney Houston - it was like Frankie had been run through an all-cloth car wash!

Well apparently either Jaysus couldn't help her or he sold her the rocks. He can be real funny that way! According to media reports she gave an uneven performance at a Dionne Warwick tribute recently and we're all familiar with the "on again, off again" schedule she maintained during her "Nothing But Love" comeback tour a year ago.

Don't these musicians watch The Five Heartbeats? You can't do The Drugs and keep making money!

In any event, I think it's time for Whitney Houston's handlers to accept the inevitable: This once golden-voiced diva has ruined herself and there is, sadly, no chance for a return. She'll come back when Naomi Campbell's hairline does - which will be never.

Instead, I'm suggesting they consider a "Teddy Ruxpin" strategy, in which Whitney Houston (rather than being asked to actually perform) is fitted with an Mp3 player chest panel with a pre-selected playlist for all future concert performances. This relieves the pressure on the faded diva, who will be responsible only for an extra shoulder shimmy and a colorful "I look to you Cleveland! Woohoo!" during each performance, while ensuring audiences are not subject to any type of croaking or other fuggery.



It's an updated Milli Vanilli!


PS: Far be it from me to imply shady dealings, but haven't you noticed that Bobby Brown is back out with music (Nostradamus end times prediction no. 22,300,873) AND there's talk of a Waiting to Exhale sequel? Could this actually be a very elaborate attempt at stealing Stroke Mouth's shine??

Oh Nippy! That's just tired.

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