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I shit you not (so tired) when I say that I hoped against all hope, crossed my fingers, said a prayer, did a jig and generally sent out all of the good juju I keep stashed deep in my hope chest (next to my commemorative Mary J. Blige 6-piece Remy weave suite) for this headline NOT to involve a postal worker of the brown persuasion.
And yet there it clearly is - a chocolate thigh, poised precariously, hovering over Barb and Bill's bushes, expelling the remains of last night's pig feet feast.
GIFSoup
Now, though this postal worker clearly has a few things they need to take to the lord in prayer (the demon of watery dukey shoot ain't nothin' to laugh about!), I have a few questions surrounding this entire incident. First, let's review:
From KGW-TV in Portland (which, from the looks of these "homeowners" is clearly located near three or more nuclear power plants):
Don Derfler's own wife didn't believe him when he told her the mail carrier was defecating in public. Then he showed her the pictures.
Derfler saw it all from his living room window while he was babysitting his son Wednesday afternoon.
"He started pulling his pants down and started defecating, and at that point I grabbed my camera and started to take pictures," said Derfler.
Sooooo, nevermind that their postal career is making chunky deliveries in the bushes; I mean we've all plopped a few in a random ashtray or empty Miller Lite can or neighbor's mailbox after a bad chitlin incident - am I right or am I right!
But what I REALLY cram to understand is why Don Derber or whatever this I've-gota-bunker-full-of-string-beans-and-Glock-cartridges-under-my-house lookin' cat's name is, decided not to tell bruh to get thee ENTIRE hell off his property, but rather, to START FILMING him??
You know, something about his stroke lips and those Jeffery Dahmer glasses gives me that this was a bootleg porn shoot incident gone waaaaaay to the left. You know - Big Black Postal Buns: Are You Ready for your DELIVERY! Barb pulled up, caught the chocolate thighs in mid-squat and Don had to think fast! Hell that man probably isn't even a postal carrier - that's just fetish wear!
There's really too much fuckery to summarize here, so let me just list my observations:
- This cat's name is Don Derfler (definitely a serial killer name)
- This cat clearly has no teeth (definitely a serial killer trait)
- This cat's neighbor looks like a Garbage Pail Kid and has a head the size of a Pizza Hut medium with extra cheese (no tie in, but isn't that shit really weird? I know people are trying to stock up, but do you really need an economy-sized HEAD?)
And today's phrase that slays from Derfler:
"This is how they respect our property?," said Derfler. "It's just not right, and it's also a biohazard."
THAT is what's troubling you here Mr. Derfler???? I was just barely clinging to the cross on that one until I got into "the mail carrier was suspended without pay pending an investigation."
Now, I'm no Columbo and I admit my detective skills have faded significantly since I retired from LAPD as their lead whooper of asses. However, DON'T WE HAVE THIS NINJA ON FILM TAKING A SHIT IN SOMEONE'S YARD?? What are they investigating - whether it was chunky or smooth?????
Meanwhile, you pulling your pants down, squatting in someone's azaleas, pushing, wiggling and rolling out with stank just caked all up on your uniform is only worth a suspension??????? We're not even gonna GO into what he wiped with. My soul just can't weather that today.
I hate people, especially everyone involved with this. That is, unless we discover the postal worker had a Krystal Burger or any type of White Castle product prior to making his rounds.
Then I fully understand! Gots to keep the Charmin on hand if you're rollin' with the sliders...
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