Red Alert Coonery: Cocaine, meet pastry

Photo care of Necole Bitchie

I knooooow you see it. I'm so tempted to just slap this photo up here and allow you to self-tragedize. But that would be neglecting my duties as sergeant in arms against the spread of foolwangary and a publically elected documentor of coonanigans (Trademarked).

Soooo, I was in the midst of my normal morning routine as of late - downing of a mug of vodka while mumbling bitterly about The Man and perusing the latest submissions for Coon of the Year, when I stumbled upon the above photo, snapped at Ray J's 30th birthday.

Ray J. Yes, that. We won't delve into how he remains relevant anywhere on planet Earth; I will leave these mysteries to be solved by the likes of Stephen Hawkings, who has recieved a detailed WTF query.

Anywho, I was just about to move on when something about the cake caught my eye: Are those cocaine bricks atop the cake???

Nevermind that this fool would be summarily ground into a fine powder and distributed by the likes of Gucci Mane iffen he EVER set foot in an establishment peddling such bricks. (I won't even begin to address the "Pure" sign...) Nevermind that he has no familiarity with the monetary currency represented on the cake.

No, those are the obvious offenses. The real question is who made the cake? I thought Desserts by Latrell was closed?

And at this point, dear readers, I shall fold up my laptop, fold myself into 44 pieces, and await the mushroom cloud.

I suggest you do the same.

Fashion police moving violation #235: When glitter and pastel attack

Photo care of Getty Images and a really bad Mariah Carey acid trip.

So I'm not going to pretend that I watched the Golden Globes - I was way too busy eating french fries and plotting world takeover on the couch. But this little piece of butterfly beauty has been making the rounds and I'm sure I don't have to say why.

I am, quite frankly, a stan of Sidibe. Yes, her size might, in certain circles, qualify her for statehood. And yes, the wig situation will likely be the topic of an emergency United Nations meeting in the near future. Annnnd yes, each of her wrists is equivalant in circumferance to a small pineapple.

But why dwell on the obvious. She's effin HILARIOUS and I would love to hang out with her.

And despite everybody's thoughts to the contrary, I see where she was going with this dress.

Sure, right now it just looks like a star spangled mumu. But with the addition of a cape, sash and wand, it's perfect. What else would you have the tooth fairy rock after all?

You better get those molars girl!

Fashion police moving violation #234: Psychadelic dungaree theft

Well sho' ya right.

Look at the picture above. Now look at this picture:



Now back at the first picture.

Now at me:



I've stood by idle, as Kimberly Jones has abused padded panties, shat all over the dynasty of immaculate pancake makeup Lil Richard spent years building and made an obvious mockery of Jermaine Jackson-style facial reconstruction.

But I draw the LINE at the theft of intergallactic fashion. Bootsy Collins has spent countless blood, sweat and glitter on building his wardrobe of Huggy Bear stack shoes and tin foil pasties.

Was it all for naught???

Meanwhile, a very large and I suspect very cranky camel is somewhere missing its toes.

In the immortal words of one of my readers: Shiggity. Wiggity.

Special Delivery! GDEP go to jail, do not pass go!

Yes, I too had to scour my memory banks.

We'll just overlook the fact that GDep enjoyed approximately 22 seconds of fame before retiring to a career as a Frosty technologist - especially since, in Bad Boy years, that makes him one of the longer lasting artists.

Instead we'll just pretend it's 2001 and this person remains a star - otherwise this would just be a posting about another shiftless negro who shot some fool in an argument that was almost certainly linked to a Jesus piece.

From WSJ:

Onetime Bad Boy rapper G. Dep pleaded not guilty yesterday to killing a man in 1993. That's just "procedural," since he walked into a police station and confessed to the crime last month, "likely...while under the influence of drugs."

Well there you have it. I know I've confessed to murders that I didn't commit under the influence of chamomile tea or some other powerful narcotic.

As you were.

Get that new Fox jawn right here! (you know you wanna hear it...)

In a few words: This. Ain't. It.

What kind of roving reporter would I be if I didn't bless my readers with a snippet of that hotly anticipated, BK raw, Machine Gun Kelly Fox Brown jawn! Hot fire, buck buck buck buck!

*takes long, exaggerated swig of chamomile tea*



That was so dope. She's about to go platinum just off of the clip.

Isn't there some sort of ghost or something that can come snatchin' these retired batches back into the '90s? Even this beat sounds like something that was pumpin' when I wore a training bra.

My ears are PISSED that they can't unhear this.

I have no more patience for Inga and Kim. I want the real shat. Something you can feel shat. I mean none other than the long anticipated MC Lyte comeback!

*and I don't mean that AT. ALL. *

Two Men Charged With Sexually Assaulting Woman With Live Snake

I reckon there's gonna be trouble when the eggs hatch. Move your body like a snake ma! (that was IGNORANT)



From HipHopWired:

Two Wisconsin men are in police custody after authorities say they sexually assaulted a woman with a live snake.
John Bullock, 24, and Damonta Jones, 25, were arrested for the incident that reportedly took place in November at Jones' home.

Sooooo basically the woman is lured into the home to "look at pictures of Jones children" (red flag no.2, with no. 1 being his swoop-de-woop afro - always a sign of trouble) and was bonked over the head with something. Foolywangery ensued:

Jones, she recalled, then said, “I'm going to get the snake” and the victim reports that she “suddenly “felt something inside of her.”
The woman, whose identity is being withheld, reports that she believed the snake may have bitten her because she felt a very sharp pain and heard the men say, ‘Pull it out.'”

That, in my mind, is a pretty good sign you were just snake-raped and possibly had your inner cooch gnawed on by a python. Worst date EVER! I'm no scientist or anything though so you might want to consult with Jack Hannah.

Some people take the putting of the p* in a sarcophagus a bit too seriously I see. At least there won't be much disputing who the daddy is on Maury, what with little Je'Maceo, Tavareon and Quincette having their fathers' scales.

I quit. Turn out the light when you're done.


(changing diapers is gonna be a fool...)