Today in White Coonery: Armed Robbery at Colorado Bank Involves Bandanna, AIDS Claims and a lot of Coughing

Female Bank Robber to Teller: I've got The AIDS! Gimme your coins!

Is this what we're doing to keep our Serenity overnight pad game tight Barb? Really?

Is this really what armed robbery has come to?

Let me start out by saying to any of you who have even the slightest intention of using the old "I got AIDS bitch!" routine to shake a sista down for her extra packets of deliriously tasty McDonald's limited edition sweet chili nugget sauce: Think Thee Fuck AGAIN!

I already got more diseases than a cheap hotel toilet seat in Calcutta - your HIV would immediately be chewed up, swallowed and summarily shat out in the fom of sugar cubes faster than you can say "platinum jawbones by Coco and Ice T!"

And with that said, I'd like to also preface this with a halleleujah little child - the negreaux are NOT involved with this!

(Naturally the negreaux would threaten a bank teller with something far more menacing - ie. a direct promise to send all of their ratchet cousins over to fill out bank loan apps and generally fuck up everybody's life for the next 24 hours.)

From this Reuters robbery article:

A woman robbed a Colorado bank by passing a note saying she would infect a teller with AIDS if the clerk didn't hand over money, police said on Friday.
Jeff Satur, spokesman for the Longmont, Colorado police department, said detectives are searching for a pale woman between the ages of 55 and 75 with a "boney build."

What kind of description is that? A boney batch between the ages of 55 and 75? Batch that could be Heidi Klum, Linda Evangelista - hell, if she slapped you with a phone it could be Naomi Campbell (only if her hairline reminded you of a depleted rainforest of course.)

More:

"She indicated she had AIDS and would give it to a teller if she didn't cooperate," (officials) said.
The woman coughed frequently into a blue bandana during the robbery, and fled with an undisclosed amount of cash, police said.

Girl that didn't work at the line in Safeway and it won't work in a bank!

You know what, in hindsight, I'm not sure why I would ever have thought the blacks could be involved with this. After all, this person threatened to give a bank teller AIDS by coughing on them = fail. A black teller would have been unmoved by anything other than a threat to run her credit. Now THAT might have resulted in the immediate emptying of the vault, handing over of bank cards and any spare funds from the wet and wavy weave fund on hand.

White coonery is really on the come up!

I will say this much: Given as I keep finding myself sitting next to people smelling like doo doo balls (Suge Knight of Busboys and Poets, I am calling you to. the. mat.) I may need to invest in my own blue bandanna and perfect a Pookie-esque New Jack City-type drawl.

For the cause (of my nostrils).

PS: To the bank robber and Senor Doo Doo Balls:

Va Inmate Sues for Sex Change Surgery (After man meat home removal fails…)

I thought Esther Rolle was gone on to glory????
Jaysus be a powerful sedative. I urge you to have a seat in a rocking chair with arms suitable for clutching. I would offer you my old rugged cross, but I’m busy clinging to it.

Ready your eyes for this riveting tale (wonderfully executed by my former co-worker – REAL TALK!) of mistaken man meat, prison razors and RuPaul aspirations.

Full disclosure: As an alternative woman (birth name: Kwame Kwaku Jenkins-Harris IV) I can completely relate to gender dysphoria and this story. I have no words to express the frustration I have felt with being constantly refered to as “sir” and being denied my rightful title in the NFL hall of fame as the second woman to play for the Giants (Wendy Williams being the first.)

From reports:

DILLWYN, Va. – Crouched in her cell, Ophelia De'lonta hoped three green disposable razors from the prison commissary would give her what the Virginia Department of Corrections will not — a sex change.

Interjection: I absolutely dare you to read further!

It had been several years since she had felt the urges, but she had been fighting them for weeks. But like numerous other times, she failed to get rid of what she calls "that thing" between her legs, the last evidence she was born a male.
Months after the October castration attempt, De'lonta filed a federal lawsuit Friday claiming the state has failed its duty to provide adequate medical care because it won't give her the operation. If she loses, she says she will continue to try self-surgery — acknowledging another attempt could kill her.

Bless the heart of this missionary in the fight against unwanted peens. We all have to start somewhere; I hear even Jermaine Jackson began his journey to abstract facial glory with putty knives and alcohol. Girl, you better chop that lumber off and get your vagina power on!

While many with gender identity disorder wish to get rid of their genitals, the majority never act — often because hormones and other treatments help make them feel more comfortable, (one expert) said. (Translation: Duct tape changes thangs! I’m a believer!)

Inmate: State-sponsored Male to Female Gender Reassignment = My American Right Boo!

The hormones and other treatments had kept her urges in check for years. She snapped Oct. 8 when an officer used a male pronoun toward her, despite a court order that prison workers refer to her as a woman.
"I screamed `She, damnit!' becoming so overwhelmed it was hard to breathe," De'lonta said.

YAAAAAAASSSS! Do you have ANY idea how many times this exact same shat has happened to me? My sloping brow, Anthony Weineresque jawline (I know you see it – I’m certain that praying mantis lookin’ ninja can husk the hell out of some corn…) and coifed goatee are NO EXCUSE for you to refer to me as anything but a delicate evening blossom of feminine exuberance. I had to turn a Bob’s Big Boy OUT after a cashier refered to me as Sir. When I tell you French fries and quick weaves were scattered! I can’t go to the state of Missouri anymore, but it was all worth it in the fight for acceptance of alternative women, such as myself, Omarosa and now, De’lonta!
*joins paw-like, square hands with other alternative women*

By God as my witness, you will NOT deny our vaginas their seat at the table!!!

Using knowledge gained from mail-order anatomy books (Another Nikki Minaj secret revealed…) De'lonta cut on and off for three hours before she passed out. It took 21 stitches to repair the damage.
De'lonta first tried to cut herself when she was 12. By 17, she was robbing banks with the hopes of getting enough money to have a sex change operation.

I get the thinking behind this – after all, I understand it’s exactly what led to Remy Ma’s life of crime. But there are more productive methods, you know, like launching a blockbuster music career, hosting a talk show or getting on the reality TV carousel, to fund your switch.

My enrollment in the alt-woman relocation program won’t allow me to reveal who I know to have followed that path. So I’ll just look directly at Wendy Williams and let you make the conclusions…

Today in White Coonery: KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church - because some shat is just inappropriate!

White supremacist KKK protests anti-gay Westboro Baptist church

I would go ahead and apologize for my semi-delayed holiday absence, but I was getting my cooch relined – and the glorious temptation of having a wall-to-wall angora fur-lined snatch overcame my greater blogging sensibilities. I’m sure you understand.

Anyway, I was rattled from my post-cooch revamp rest when I learned from CNBC that stocks of coonery (NYSE: COON) had risen this week on news that The Whites have yet AGAIN staged a clear push for dominance of the foolywang antics market:

Hours before President Barack Obama led the nation's Memorial Day observances at the Tomb of the Unknowns, three Westboro Church protestors were challenged by others who disagreed with them -- including members claiming to be from the Ku Klux Klan.
"It's the soldier that fought and died and gave them that right to free speech," said Dennis LaBonte, the self-described "Imperial Wizard" of the KKK group that he said he formed several years ago.

You'd better solja boy tell'em Grand Klud! I see your white robe swag!

Abigail Phelps, the daughter of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps said "They have no moral authority on anything.
"People like them say it's white power ... white supremacy," Phelps said. "The Bible doesn't say anywhere that it's an abomination to be born of a certain gender or race."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Westboro Church protests and their overall brand of the crazies, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas is comprised of a group of cornfed West Virginia-type Hackfield/McKoy whaggers (white naggers) who should probably be somewhere brewing up some corn liquor but instead occupy most of their days railing about The Queers and jaysus’ masterplan to kill them off by sending them to war. Or something – my ability to hear fuggery is really starting to dim.

Westboro Baptist Church protests are fairly legendary in the media world – they send block letter, all cap press releases to newspapers pretty much daily and generally sprinkle their crazy dust for weeks before they show up in your town.

Now THAT is what I call PR!

The KKK today, meanwhile, has faded. Membership has sank as The Republicans have gained more of a foothold as the premiere trendy social group of choice among the elite racist cracker set.

*sigh* Those crackers can be so fickle. I feel your pain KKK, really, I do. But let’s face it: You haven’t had a decent klan rally since my beloved Chaka Khan had a waistline. The klan robe is boxy and that A-line shape is unflattering. Westboro Baptist Church protests, meanwhile, are all-the-way turnt up and their commitment to truck stop fashion is legendary.

Step your game up Ku Klux Klan!

Honestly seeing this kind of split in the longstanding hateocracy movement is saddening. Ku Klux Klan says hate the naggers. Westboro Baptist Church says hate the queers.

I say: Why not just hate the queer naggers and call it a day? Done and done.

But the real question here is why can’t The Whites let The Blacks be great? For years they’ve had everything – money, dogs, sushi – and The Blacks have maintained their own fiefdom, dominating the lucrative professional basketball, malt liquor and foolywang fraganackle bullshat markets (icons include honored unicoon Marion Barry – but you already knew that…)

Now The Whites want to take coonery too! Where is Al Sharpton – this has to be stopped!

Coon Tunes: 300 lb. Man vs. Beyonce Run The World Choreography (chile stop playing and come watch this video!)

300 lbs + Beyonce Run The World video choreography = Damn life.

This is the type of shat that happens when you don't have a prayin' grandmother.

I blame Beyonce for every last bit of this.

Oh, and malfunctioning Gold N Hot flat irons - because that withered bob has my uterus in FULL TILT.

I was just in the midst of being completely unproductive when The Twitter informed me that a ratchet queen was somewhere in Birmingham shaking and jiggling it for jaysus to Beyonce's Run The World.

Against my better judgment, I clicked and was instantly taken to the bridge by the sensuous body rolls of the one I will henceforth refer to as Creole Jumbo.

After I broke free from the instant hypnosis triggered by his undulating manbreasts (Rick Ross, you have been dethroned boo. You might as well put a tube top on and pay it.) I was able to really get into what was happening, in particular, the unsolved mystery of those giblets jangling in Ms. Jumbo's ladypurse region.

We won't get into why this was filmed at Guantanamo. I haven't the time nor the investigative resources.

Body rolls at 2:53. Frantic riverdance stomping at 3:09. Death of 5,000 in 57.0 magnitude earth quake anticipated in 10 minutes.

This can't be life.

Today in Race Embarrassment: 2 Live Crew Front Man Uncle Luke Running For Mayor

Uncle Luke for mayor! Ass shots for all!

“I’m not no career politician and I ain’t gonna act like no career politician”

This absolutely cannot happen in America.

Uncle Luke – yes, the curly-collar polo shirt wearing former front man of ‘80s ass music vendors 2 Live Crew - is running for Mayor of Miami and, according to this report, he’s “As serious as he wants to be.”

Pardon me while I drop thee fuck dead.

I’d seen this a while back dear readers, but I was far too busy getting my updo tightened and my talons slathered in OPI’s To God Be The Glory (a fetching shade of opalescent white) in preparation for the rapture of love to pay attention to any gap-toothed political ambitions, such as they aren’t. We all know what happened when jaysus got high and forgot to teleport all of us believers to The Upper Room last week, so we won't get salty about THAT shazzamery all again. *side eye to the sky*

Anyway, when I saw the video of this my mind was changed. In the spirit of metropolitan transit authorities across the country, I felt motivated to speak out. If you see something, say something game proper!

THIS:


He wants all meetings recorded eh? Mmmmhmm, that’s a trap. Be warned council members - you all go on camera if you wanna. Someone will pour a bottle of champagne over your head and run a dusty ATM card between your cheeks about four minutes in – THEN sell it at a flea market in Little Haiti.

And that’s just not what jaysus had in mind children.

This, people, is coonetry done right. Martin Luther The Kang did not die in vain!

Police: Man Cuts Off Woman's Hair At Bus Stop (Related: Foxy Brown Wanted...)

Police: Thief chopped off, stole woman's waist-long ponytail at bus stop

Does anybody know where the Braxton sisters were this weekend? I'm just sayin...

I was just coming to terms with Saturday's rapture fail (We're not going to talk about how I ended up $850 in the hole behind an all-white-erythang couture homegoing wardrobe - Jaysus I am hate you so much right now...) and accepting that, as confirmed by Phaedra Parks' continued presence on Earth, the rapture did NOT happen after all, when I received this dispatch.

End times may have kicked off after all! In the immortal words of Aunt Esther, eeeyeahhhh glory!

From AP:

SAO PAULO — Brazilian police say a thief cut off and stole a woman’s long hair while she waited at a bus stop.
Police say the hair was virgin, meaning it had not been chemically treated, and will probably be sold for the production of wigs.

They creeping through your windows, snatching your ponytails up!

I'm shocked that Foxy Brown hadn't thought of this years ago, quite frankly.

Inspector Jose Carlos Bezerra da Silva said Friday to Globo TV’s G1 website that the woman was waiting for a bus in the central city of Goiania when the man used a knife-like weapon to cut the hair, which reached past her waist. She said she thought the man was going to steal her purse so she turned her back to him.

Nevermind the herpes and rampant poverty that come as part of your "So you wanna live in Brazil" gift basket, you now have to worry about getting an involuntary pixie cut while waiting for the A29???

Good. Day.

PS: How swift does a ninja have to be to slice the pony off and keep steppin'?!? GUTTA. I bet Mary J. Blige's agents were involved.

This is EXACTLY why I advocate Remy's breakaway banjee ponytail line - specially designed for the ratchet socialite's needs. Laugh now dear reader - but sources tell me McDonald's has revived its sweet chili nugget dipping sauce and you KNOW how tightly they monitor that shat. By next Friday, batches are gonna be scrapping in drivethru's across the nation behind that elusive second packet! (Don't act like you haven't raised your voice behind the nugget sweetness...)

I suggest you have your vaseline and stunt ponytail TOGETHA - or end up like Lupe rockin' the Webster 'fro!

THN Likely To Close After Rapture (PS: You're Not Invited To Heaven...)

That great getting up morning has finally come! So the world is ending tomorrow.

Eyyyyeahhhh GlORY!

That shat really sneaked up on a sister mane! The movies told me I had at least until 2012. I had so many more tilted wigs to snatch – so many more batches to slap. I’d only gotten up through 1988! Le sigh.

Eh well. It’s really about damned time the credits rolled on this piece. I mean, all the clues have been there – or did you think JLo and her insistence upon making “music” was NOT a sign of end times? I saw two horsemen run behind her in that last video…

Hell, the emergence of Donald Trump as a political contender was directly referenced in the New Testament! (And there shall arise one of withered peen and flapping jowl and he shall wear a crown of dryer lint…)

You’d better check your Revelations heathen!

Since I’m among the hardest Mahalia Jackson fan-flapping jaysus enthusiasts out there (halle-LEU-jah!) , I have no doubt I shall be getting sucked up in the heavenly vortex and doing the cha cha slide with Marvin Gaye around this time tomorrow – you know, while you’re back here enduring all the pestilence and destruction that your persistent abuse of weave products has brought upon you. (I offered you help heathen, and yet you continued to abuse the wet and wavy….)

I must admit that there are a few things I will miss – mostly to do with food products and the joy that comes from telling someone to go to hell (in due time, in due time…) I w ill also miss my cat, who’s been backslidden for years and will NOT be coming to heaven to be entertained by the Winans and served mojitos made from jaysus’ tears.

But there are plenty of things I won’t miss. Among them:

Flo-Rida’s hairline: Among my very few sins has been the negligence I have shown in not giving the full press coverage to one of the most offensive hairlines to emerge in decades. When that man teamed up with Brandy “Invisi-temples” Norwood, it was like a dream team of hairline shazzamery. I truly won’t miss the many furrough-browed nights I’ve spent struggling to divine the mystery of why this man would allow his hairline to be shaped like the letter W.

The Braxton Sisters: As much as I seem to love talking about these graceful creatures and their broomstick weaves, the fact of the matter is that it’s exhausting! I mean, every time I figure I’ve said all there is to say, BOOM, one of them turns up wearing hot pink lipstick with red lipliner and a pineapple shaped quick weave. My soul is weary. As weary as that sideways Pocahontas braid that one child keeps rockin’…

The entire District of Columbia: You know what our problems are. And you’d better be lucky I’m rolling out on the Glory Express tomorrow morning or it would be you and me whorebitch! I’ve got my Vaseline on my cheeks, my rings on my finger and the tiger in my eyes!

Coons: I was speaking to a friend yesterday about why coons continue to populate the earth. It’s like they come from a factory with the world's highest output and no plans on recalls. There’s no way to get rid of them – you shoot coons with a silver bullet, two more spring up. I had just shared with her my idea to rid the world of coons – a gun that shoots jobs instead of bullets… - when I got the telegram that plan “get thee fug out” was indeed going down tomorrow. A great idea that won’t come to fruition. At least I won’t have to deal with coons anymore – that I won’t miss.

Alright well I have packing to do. I hear they will provide me with a svelte robe and golden cord with which to tie it - it's couture, get you a piece slut! – but I’m going to try and sneak my judgey pants in anyway.


Eyeeeeeah glory!