Today's Sadness Sammich...

Christopher "Kid" Reid Arrested, Video Link (and sadness sammich) Inside

FREE THE IRRIDESCENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Jaysus be a cozy tanning bed and a gang of Banana Boat extra bronze, sun-baked goodness tanning oil.

Apparently Powder / The Ghost of Rap Careers Past / Batman villain "Hyperwhite" /Christopher "Kid" Reid, of Kid-n-Play fame (involuntary bowel movement - pardon me) has gone the route so well beaten by the likes of Tupac, Ja Rule, DMX, Gucci Mane (and lips), T.I. etc. -- HE'S ALL UP IN THE JAILY JAIL!!!

Video: Watch Patti LaBelle Stir It Up with Chaka Khan, Whitney Houston, Maya Angelou, Whitney Houston and friends (Spoiler: No wigs were tilted...)

Who knew that the pre-eminent divas of negress womanhood all gathered at Patti LaBelle’s chamber of sequins for marmalade, heel kicking and other random voulez-vous shenanigans? And more importantly:

Where the fug were the invites for me and Ciara?


We invested in copious Beyonce weave and had our Adam’s apples shaved down in advance and we get nada – no ribs, no Glory green goodness? Patti Labelle if only you knew: Brother CiCi ain’t happy. I would invest in a shield if I were you – her femurs are long and her back is country strong!



Take note batch!


Fortunately, the entire soiree was memorialized on YouTube for us nonfactors to bask in the glory of their golden weaved excellence digitally – Beyonce, Diana Ross, Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Rihanna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston (Nippy if you’re nasty- THN) all are there spilling tea, swinging ponytails and taking names.

Phenomenal woman ( ?) Maya Angelou even spits a verse in Nipsy Russel register – GLORY!

Sadly, The Braxtons were left out on the porch holding Halloween pails and wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop – you know, the norm for their Saturday evening. (If only they would repent of their wet and wavy weave sins they too could be welcomed into the kabal…)

Hit play, clutch the hem of His garment and prepare to let the shade blow your hair back!

(Spoiler: Favorite quotes would be a tie between “You look like you ate Eve AND Adam’s apples” and “Hakuna Matada bitch!”)

CNN: Black Women Tired of Having Hair Touched

Lawd jaysus, jaysus lawd.

While I've been over here brainstorming on gifts appropriate for a woman's 74th baby (I got you Lauryn, trust) C(oon)N(ews)N(etwork) has sneaked out another riveting examination of the lifestyles of Kunta's cousins!

This time it's provocatively titled "Can I touch it?" and it has absolutely nothing to do with Jermaine Jackson or his Braille-inspired cheeks.

Rather it's an examination of why certain people insist on touching black women's natural hair.

It opens with the recounting of a "close call" (Heather reaches out to touch afro puff, Shawnte pulls out numchuks, police intervene) and goes on to talk about how many black women have thrown their boxes of Optimum to the wind and are instead letting their natural whodunits out to play:

Rather than use chemical straighteners known as relaxers (also sometimes called "creamy crack" for both the damage it can do to black hair as well as the inability of some women to live without it) YOU TRIED THAT - Love, THN some women wear their hair in its natural state.
Natural hair can be described as curly, kinky, wavy, or -- the sometimes dreaded and considered by some to be an offensive word -- nappy. FURTHER CHEST CLUTCH - Love, THN

The story goes on to discuss how the act of trying to touch a black woman's hair is inherently racist.

As usual, the Children of the Sun are clearly confused. There's no racism here - rather, this is our white brethren and sistren performing a standard weave check. Sure it's nappy - but is it yourn? Given E Badu's lengthy record of manipulating beard trimmings, pubes and dryer lint into mountains of faux 'fro, can you really blame The Whites for being confused about whether your naps are your own? Kelly wasn't trying to embarrass you Bookika - she was just keepin' things authentic!

Thank you Whites!

As a card carrying owner of Team Busted Combs, I haven't ever had the pleasure of being petted. If I were, however, I like to think I wouldn't consider it so much a moment of cultural dissonance as a fiscal opportunity.

Because you will NAUGHT lovingly caress my naps for free!

Anyways, I'd like to take a moment to thank CNN for it's continued efforts at telling the story of the Children of the Sun. Whether it's informing us that natural hair has indeed come into style (Who knew?!) or confirming that black women remain the most unattractive option for marriage (Phew, I was worried our status might be threatened given the Mexican influx...) CNN remains on top of negro news. Thanks for lettin' us know CNN!

PS: Click the video and have your soul rocked by the Dark and Lovely glory of that Shalamar-era whoop-de-swoop in Honey Glazed Gold - MY SOULLLLLLL!!!!

Monday (booty bounce) Fuggery: Can someone please tap New Orleans on the Shoulder?

Scion A/V Presents: Big Freedia - Excuse from Scion A/V on Vimeo.

Lawd black people ain't got nothin' but Jaysus...

There are those among us who would have you believe that New Orleans and yay, the entire 18th century sugar plantation state known as Louisiana is not full of nuclear level fuggery unfolding faster than you can say newborn with gold fronts and a tattoo.

There are those of us who will remain unnamed - and by that I mean Autumn! - who would try to convince us that the specter of booty poppin' shenanigans no longer hangs over the Crescent City, that indeed, only respectable negroes of an advanced "I Shop At Target, NOT Walmart" calibur live therein.

Those people - and I do mean you, Autumn! - are full of lies, sweet tea and beignets!

Stare into the black hole of fuggery that is Big Freesia and her booty bounce of despair. Does this NOT look recent? I entreat you to click and click often. Don't look away. This is the state of Louisiana. These folks need care packages and prayer.

I know in my heart my dear unnamed friend (Autumn!) is somewhere poppin' her glutes to this and getting misty eyed. It may be too late for her, but I'm gonna send up some prayers anyway (I stay prayed up, btw)

I would like to add this: If Louisiana continues to export this flim flammery to the remainder of the nation, we'll be forced to expel them. You see what happened to Mississippi.

Make your choices Louisiana!

Today in YouTube Fuggery: Pelvic rolls for Jaysus!!!

How yummy are those vocals??? Patti, Mariah, Alecia, et. al: Have several rows of seats! Ratchet, Ga. is hummin' comin' at cha!

We'll temporarily set aside all questions about this manboy's neutral gender (because I'm certainly gettin' 1997-era TraxxGirls tea all over this...) AND overlook the apparent mystery of whose daughter is pelvic rotating for Jaysus all up and thru this piece...

ANNND ignore questions of when somebody, anybody, will step in to prevent the further YouTube abuse of drop clothes...
ANNNNND hold off all queries about whether boo rockin' the sideways peacock spray pony (I see you Richmond!) is actually paid to watch this child....

And instead move on to the more pressing question:


WHERE IS THEIR SOUL TRAIN AWARD????

American Hoodery Exported: Nigerian Music, "Crank that Naija Boy" Makes The Rounds

Disclaimer:

*No Zamundans were harmed in the filming of these videos!*


You know it has to be serious if I risked my life gnawing through twine and busting out of the the cage in which Chris Brown has held me for the past three weeks (custom constructed from Rihanna’s hair and bones, respectively) to bring you this post.

But this, dear readers, is serious. I am a soldier in the war against ratchetery and I will go down fighting before I allow the forces of banjiness to destroy this beautiful planet!

From weave to shining weave!!!

With that, I bring you this - some type of Africanized Soulja Boy hybrid that features congos, Muslim robes and a heavy dose of Jaysus tears.


Naija Boy up in this hoe ... watch me shake my ass like so.”


You know, YouTube has been a repeat offender and corporal in the Elite Coonery Squadron for at least four years but this ... wait, I hear my cell phone. Hello.

Who is this? It’s who? The ancestors calling from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? What are you saying - wait calm down, calm down stop yelling!! Ok, got it.

Kunta and them said they did NOT endure the Middle Passage for you and Matumbe to be posted up on an ‘88 Honda talm’ ‘bout Zulu-mannin’ that hoe while your cousin breakbacks it to congos in the background!



Shaka is going to fug. you. up.


So for those of you who aren’t aware, apparently Naija is a cutesy term for Nigerian which is a cutesy term for ratchet charlatan who will try to get you to wire them $5,000 to help them secure the future of their kingdom.

Yup, I’m that batch. Bring it on Naija Boyz!

In addition to cooking up some of the most HEELARIOUS direct-to-DVD Nigerian movies you could ever hope to see (don’t act like you haven’t scanned the back cover of “Ajila’s Choice” while gnawing on a goat nugget at the African swap meet...) apparently Naijas also enjoy remaking videos of the American hood variety.

I could go on about the trials and tribulations of Nigerian music, but the power of grayskull won’t let me. So I’ll just post the videos and let you sift through your emotions.

Tissues are in the drawer.

*Warning: These Naija videos include several disturbing images of Motherland hoodery.



Naija Girls (Proof that the horrors of $50 sew ins have indeed hit the Motherland)





I'm not going to sit here and lie to you: I've been fascinated by the banginess of African pop culture for at least a century. More than once The African Channel's soap operas have left me posted up on a couch for hours on end, determined to figure out if Mnuembe really DID get it on with Onyeka after the Naija Boyz concert in Lagos!

If you've got a hankering for more ratchetry, and let's face it, you're ignorant so you definitely do, check out NaijaTube and prepare for uncontrollable weeping and kee kees. In that order.

Friday Fail: Da Brat Launches Her Comeback Tour Tonight In Atlanta! (Insert blank stare...)

Da Brat Starts her Comeback Tour! Guuuuuuuurl....

Who says the rapture didn't happen!

Before you ask, no, I will NOT be explaining how I got my hands on such a flyer.

My vadge = my biz!

Just know that if you're in ATL, and you're a practicer of Sapphic Arts, steer clear of XS Ultra Lounge this Friday. Ain't no telling what kind of 1994 vortex you could be sucked into - what with Da Brat being so summarily irresistable!

I don't know about you, but I slithered out of my period draws the INSTANT I saw that tarantula eyelash affect! Girl you be killin' em with the baby pink Kangol action!

In all seriousness - since such ratchet foolniggary is really tearing the community apart - I'm going to ask you to join hands with me and send up a prayer that all future "comebacks" be limited to people who
a) Had viable careers in the immediate proceeding 10 years
and
b) Have opted to embrace clothing from the current century.

Ashe.