Black woman arrested following YouTube tutorial botched circumcision attempt (CTRL-ALT-DEL life...)
You mad? Yeah, YOU MAD!
If you've been paying attention to life then you know that behind Wikipedia, YouTube tutorials are THEE go-to reference for getting all of your important life lessons - you know, how to recreate a Beyonce Video Phone lip or learn how to drive a car or deliver a baby.
Hell, I was scheduled to use YouTube to perform an emergency vocal chord removal on Rihanna just last week, before I fug around and dropped my best butter knife behind the stove! (THIS LIFE!!!!)
Well word on the skreet is that you apparently want to go ahead and pass on the circumcision YouTube-torials. Mmmhmm - something about man-meat not being amenable to being snipped with safety scissors and a dab of Icy Hot (to dull the pain). Who knew!
Watch: Alabama Deacon Stabs Music Minister Who Tased Pastor (Black people ain't got nobody but Jaysus!)
WARNING: Prepare to weep copiously at this video. If you have an old rugged cross, it is advised you cling to it tightly. I, meanwhile, will be preparing to trip off to the Upper Room, having had about all I can take of The Blacks this lifetime.
Apparently an Alabama church turned into a scene from Basketball Wives (and no, bruh with the parasitic twin growing out of his forehead was NOT there - shut up, you've wondered about that door knob on his head too batch!) after the minister of music was summarily told to take a seat - in some other church's pew.
Now why can't we all get along in the house of The Kang? New Birth's resident crew, Thef Heavenly Pussed Holy Rollin' Honeys - annointed boo-gina game proper! - would never shed blood in the main chapel, no matter how succulent Pastor Eddie Long is!
Christopher "Kid" Reid Arrested, Video Link (and sadness sammich) Inside
FREE THE IRRIDESCENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jaysus be a cozy tanning bed and a gang of Banana Boat extra bronze, sun-baked goodness tanning oil.
Apparently Powder / The Ghost of Rap Careers Past / Batman villain "Hyperwhite" /Christopher "Kid" Reid, of Kid-n-Play fame (involuntary bowel movement - pardon me) has gone the route so well beaten by the likes of Tupac, Ja Rule, DMX, Gucci Mane (and lips), T.I. etc. -- HE'S ALL UP IN THE JAILY JAIL!!!
Video: Watch Patti LaBelle Stir It Up with Chaka Khan, Whitney Houston, Maya Angelou, Whitney Houston and friends (Spoiler: No wigs were tilted...)
Who knew that the pre-eminent divas of negress womanhood all gathered at Patti LaBelle’s chamber of sequins for marmalade, heel kicking and other random voulez-vous shenanigans? And more importantly:
Where the fug were the invites for me and Ciara?
We invested in copious Beyonce weave and had our Adam’s apples shaved down in advance and we get nada – no ribs, no Glory green goodness? Patti Labelle if only you knew: Brother CiCi ain’t happy. I would invest in a shield if I were you – her femurs are long and her back is country strong!
Take note batch!
Fortunately, the entire soiree was memorialized on YouTube for us nonfactors to bask in the glory of their golden weaved excellence digitally – Beyonce, Diana Ross, Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Rihanna, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston (Nippy if you’re nasty- THN) all are there spilling tea, swinging ponytails and taking names.
Phenomenal woman ( ?) Maya Angelou even spits a verse in Nipsy Russel register – GLORY!
Sadly, The Braxtons were left out on the porch holding Halloween pails and wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop – you know, the norm for their Saturday evening. (If only they would repent of their wet and wavy weave sins they too could be welcomed into the kabal…)
Hit play, clutch the hem of His garment and prepare to let the shade blow your hair back!
(Spoiler: Favorite quotes would be a tie between “You look like you ate Eve AND Adam’s apples” and “Hakuna Matada bitch!”)
While I've been over here brainstorming on gifts appropriate for a woman's 74th baby (I got you Lauryn, trust) C(oon)N(ews)N(etwork) has sneaked out another riveting examination of the lifestyles of Kunta's cousins!
This time it's provocatively titled "Can I touch it?" and it has absolutely nothing to do with Jermaine Jackson or his Braille-inspired cheeks.
Rather it's an examination of why certain people insist on touching black women's natural hair.
It opens with the recounting of a "close call" (Heather reaches out to touch afro puff, Shawnte pulls out numchuks, police intervene) and goes on to talk about how many black women have thrown their boxes of Optimum to the wind and are instead letting their natural whodunits out to play:
Rather than use chemical straighteners known as relaxers (also sometimes called "creamy crack" for both the damage it can do to black hair as well as the inability of some women to live without it) YOU TRIED THAT - Love, THN some women wear their hair in its natural state.
Natural hair can be described as curly, kinky, wavy, or -- the sometimes dreaded and considered by some to be an offensive word -- nappy. FURTHER CHEST CLUTCH - Love, THN
The story goes on to discuss how the act of trying to touch a black woman's hair is inherently racist.
As usual, the Children of the Sun are clearly confused. There's no racism here - rather, this is our white brethren and sistren performing a standard weave check. Sure it's nappy - but is it yourn? Given E Badu's lengthy record of manipulating beard trimmings, pubes and dryer lint into mountains of faux 'fro, can you really blame The Whites for being confused about whether your naps are your own? Kelly wasn't trying to embarrass you Bookika - she was just keepin' things authentic!
Thank you Whites!
As a card carrying owner of Team Busted Combs, I haven't ever had the pleasure of being petted. If I were, however, I like to think I wouldn't consider it so much a moment of cultural dissonance as a fiscal opportunity.
Because you will NAUGHT lovingly caress my naps for free!
Anyways, I'd like to take a moment to thank CNN for it's continued efforts at telling the story of the Children of the Sun. Whether it's informing us that natural hair has indeed come into style (Who knew?!) or confirming that black women remain the most unattractive option for marriage (Phew, I was worried our status might be threatened given the Mexican influx...) CNN remains on top of negro news. Thanks for lettin' us know CNN!
PS: Click the video and have your soul rocked by the Dark and Lovely glory of that Shalamar-era whoop-de-swoop in Honey Glazed Gold - MY SOULLLLLLL!!!!
There are those among us who would have you believe that New Orleans and yay, the entire 18th century sugar plantation state known as Louisiana is not full of nuclear level fuggery unfolding faster than you can say newborn with gold fronts and a tattoo.
There are those of us who will remain unnamed - and by that I mean Autumn! - who would try to convince us that the specter of booty poppin' shenanigans no longer hangs over the Crescent City, that indeed, only respectable negroes of an advanced "I Shop At Target, NOT Walmart" calibur live therein.
Those people - and I do mean you, Autumn! - are full of lies, sweet tea and beignets!
Stare into the black hole of fuggery that is Big Freesia and her booty bounce of despair. Does this NOT look recent? I entreat you to click and click often. Don't look away. This is the state of Louisiana. These folks need care packages and prayer.
I know in my heart my dear unnamed friend (Autumn!) is somewhere poppin' her glutes to this and getting misty eyed. It may be too late for her, but I'm gonna send up some prayers anyway (I stay prayed up, btw)
I would like to add this: If Louisiana continues to export this flim flammery to the remainder of the nation, we'll be forced to expel them. You see what happened to Mississippi.
How yummy are those vocals??? Patti, Mariah, Alecia, et. al: Have several rows of seats! Ratchet, Ga. is hummin' comin' at cha!
We'll temporarily set aside all questions about this manboy's neutral gender (because I'm certainly gettin' 1997-era TraxxGirls tea all over this...) AND overlook the apparent mystery of whose daughter is pelvic rotating for Jaysus all up and thru this piece...
ANNND ignore questions of when somebody, anybody, will step in to prevent the further YouTube abuse of drop clothes...
ANNNNND hold off all queries about whether boo rockin' the sideways peacock spray pony (I see you Richmond!) is actually paid to watch this child....
And instead move on to the more pressing question:
