Police: Burglars Bypassing Cash, Stealing Wet and Wavy Weave Nationwide

Police: Criminals Ignoring Cash, Stealing Thousands in Remy Weave Nationwide

I hate every last thing about this – and I especially hate that the first image that popped into my head was that of a Set It Off style showdown, complete with Vivica Fox getting brain juice splattered on her chin for being too slow on the gotdamned register.


*Stop screaming and put the Sensationnel 22-inch party ponytail in the bag - I got BINGO tonight whore!*

According to The New York Times (More on their devolution into chroniclers of elite coonery later…):

(The thieves) "did not give the safe or cash register a second look.
Instead they went straight for what was most valuable: human hair...During the past two months alone, robbers in quest of human hair have killed a beauty shop supplier in Michigan and carried out heists nationwide in which they have made off with tens of thousands of dollars of hair at a time. “

Note to The Weave Shop: Invest in copious Biz Markie portraits pit bulls TODAY!

I'm telling you straight off: Iffen I end up dead on the floor of "Thank Jaysus The Loan Came Through Miraculous Heavenly Hands Beauty Salon and Check Cashing" behind some Beyonce weave, I'm coming back to haunt ERY damned body, you smell me?

Beyonce weave straight claiming lives. Sensationnel instant weave got folks headed to the drive-thru mortuary.

Logging. Off.

I knew wet and wavy weave was destroying this community one scalp at a time. But I figured the end would look more like Tamar Braxton’s wig vault or Naomi Campbell’s parched ass hairline as it lays on the salon floor clutching its neck and gasping for air.

I never figured on some Juice type shat behind Remy weave. Bishop play too much!

More here:

In addition to the $150,000 Houston robbery this month, thieves have recently taken $10,000 in hair from a San Diego shop; $85,000 from a business in Missouri City, Tex.; $10,000 from a shop in Dearborn, Mich.; and $60,000 from a business in San Leandro, Calif.

Notice that the Asians aren’t included in this story. Why? Because Wong and them BEEN hip to the Children of the Sun’s fuckery and prepared themselves with an assortment of weaponry for that ass years ago. You make a move on some Remy weave in any Korean-owned, inner city hair mart if you wanna – you’ll have a ninja star in your retina and a numchuck up the ass faster than you can say "Chung’s Weave Emporium-n-Daycare don’t even get down like that son!"

I speak from experience!

I too was about to pull down my ski mask and get crunk and disorderly behind a wet and wavy weave drawstring pony, before I learned that I could dutty wine just as effectively with a head full of Afghan hound as with human hair weave. The more you know! Haters can stay on their job - the kennel has done me well and I haven't had to violate probation.

Why is President Obama chasing after terrorists when we have a crisis of epic proportions right here on American shores??? Gas costs $10,000 a gallon and batches pockets are looking anemic. None of which negates the need for wet and wavy weave splendor.

Sistas gotta work the Beyonce weave out! And that means there will be blood Mr. President. THERE WILL BE BLOOD.



PS: I know in my heart that each Toni Braxton sister is involved with this. Hell, from the looks of those cheap weave catastrophes, I NEED them to be involved with this...

Study: Black Women Have High Testosterone, Are Dudes (Oh, and they're ugly, but you knew that!)

Love Black Women? They're All High Testosterone-havin' Dudes (Sorry Boo!)

I knew this broad was going to blow our cover


Well it finally went and happened.

The jig is up black "women" – they’re on to us. You heard me right - they've figured out we're dudes! If you love black women, sorry.

Yes, it’s true. Black women are really just black men who got bored one day and wanted to expand the NBA – I tried to speak out against the scheme, but they just tossed me in a corner with some Wet-n-Wild Raspberry Oooh La La lipstick and said “Get the paintin’!”

Go ahead and take those socks out of your shirts, snatch those Tina Turner reject wigs off and drop your voice back down to The Temptations register. Take off the skirts – they’re not covering up that Refrigerator Perry figure anyhow.

Nicki Minaj, put those pads back in the couch boo.

It’s over. The dream has died. In a Psychology Today study, "Why are African American Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?", Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa has snatched our hip pads clean out:

Kanazawa (who is also the author of a book called Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters) speculates, "The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone. Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races."

I’m so glad I can finally untape my balls! Praise him!

I’m really surprised nobody got hip to our little scheme years ago – I mean, did people REALLY think those black women models Fashion Fair trots out were female?? (I mean really, how much high testosterone can you have and still be considered female..) How many times did YOU mistake one of their ads for a picture of Burt Reynolds?? *raises hand*

And I REALLY thought Omorosa and her steel jaw (I bet she can crack thee HAYLE out of some snow crab legs...) was gonna spill the beans.

Now the world knows - all of the famous black women you've known and loved are really dudes. Oprah? That's just Otis. Beyonce? Girl that's Brandon. And Wendy Williams? Well even I couldn't believe that one sneaked below the radar.

Even important black women in history were dudes: Harriet Tubman? That was Harry from the grocery store!



GIFSoup
PS: Florida was Florence...but you kind of figured that one on your own...


So nooooooow back to reality land: You know what’s more tired than this study? The fact that every time a study comes out, black women get all up in arms about it.

For the record, according to assorted studies over the years, black women:

- Are second only to Jabba the Hut in their massive obesity
- Pass most of the day in tree stands firing high powered crossbows at interracial couples
- Have 4,239 children – a year. (All with names ending in “-tae”)
- And are dying from breast cancer/heart attacks/diabetes/scrotal cancer/cancer of the entire body

Oh and those batches smell like Lysol and crawfish boil too! Annnnnnd they shop at Ross - tacky batches!

Here’s an idea: How about we just stop giving a rat’s ass about dumb ass studies advancing dumb ass theories done by dumb ass people who pay waaaaay too much attention to black women to be anything but completely, purely and unequivocably OBSESSED with them, k?

Stop giving these people the attention they crave and Dr. Kanazawa and all others of his ilk will return to their Ted Kazinsky style huts and watch child porn the way they do any other Tuesday.

And that’s the roundabout way of saying that me and my high testosterone are OVER IT.

Mid-day Foolywang: Whitney Houston - I'm back in drug rehab, but not for drugs!

UPDATE: Apparently Bobbi Kristina (you know, Whitney Houston's highly successful daughter) could be heading to club muff for something involving guns. Is there some type of miracle water or magic beans or something we can get these folks??? Because when Bobby Brown's yestersexy ass is doing the best in the family, you're beyond the help of Jaysus!

Whitney Houston is back! *whispers* in rehab. (I'm such a faulty person.)

I guess when she said she was clean two years ago, she meant to say dirtier than rapper Jim Jones' period draws. And from the looks of that swarthy ninja, that's pretty damned dirty.

According to CNN, Washington Post and assorted other entities snickering this afternoon:

"Whitney Houston is currently in an out-patient rehab program for drug and alcohol treatment," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. "Whitney voluntarily entered the program to support her long-standing recovery process."

Houston initially entered rehab in 2004, telling ABC News interviewer Diane Sawyer at the time: "I partied a lot. Trust me: I partied my tail off." But, the singer also admitted, "You get to a point where you know the party's over."

Now, her spokesperson won't specify just what she's getting treatment for, but sounds to me like Nippy's back up to her "Waiting to Inhale" antics, hitting homerun slides into piles of white magic Tony Montagna-style. In the words of iconic beard enthusiast Teddy Riley, "It. Ain't. Over."

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!

Honestly, this confession only shocks you if you a) haven't heard her squawk sing recently, or b) haven't taken a look at the alien-incubator midsection she's been cultivating for the past 15 quarters.

Naturally, I've BEEN on to her: You can't keep slithering into evening dresses with that Somalian-who-just-ate-a-hearty-sammich type figure and not arouse an eyebrow raise on the Hostile One, mkay?

The news follows about two summers of sham wows. It was just 2009 when Whitney Houston tagteamed with Jaysus and Clive Davis to release a new album and declare herself spic and span - a move emphasized by her appearance sans disheveled wig and in sensible shoes. Clive rolled out a cleaned up, fully trussed version of Whitney Houston - it was like Frankie had been run through an all-cloth car wash!

Well apparently either Jaysus couldn't help her or he sold her the rocks. He can be real funny that way! According to media reports she gave an uneven performance at a Dionne Warwick tribute recently and we're all familiar with the "on again, off again" schedule she maintained during her "Nothing But Love" comeback tour a year ago.

Don't these musicians watch The Five Heartbeats? You can't do The Drugs and keep making money!

In any event, I think it's time for Whitney Houston's handlers to accept the inevitable: This once golden-voiced diva has ruined herself and there is, sadly, no chance for a return. She'll come back when Naomi Campbell's hairline does - which will be never.

Instead, I'm suggesting they consider a "Teddy Ruxpin" strategy, in which Whitney Houston (rather than being asked to actually perform) is fitted with an Mp3 player chest panel with a pre-selected playlist for all future concert performances. This relieves the pressure on the faded diva, who will be responsible only for an extra shoulder shimmy and a colorful "I look to you Cleveland! Woohoo!" during each performance, while ensuring audiences are not subject to any type of croaking or other fuggery.



It's an updated Milli Vanilli!


PS: Far be it from me to imply shady dealings, but haven't you noticed that Bobby Brown is back out with music (Nostradamus end times prediction no. 22,300,873) AND there's talk of a Waiting to Exhale sequel? Could this actually be a very elaborate attempt at stealing Stroke Mouth's shine??

Oh Nippy! That's just tired.

Midget Stripper to Star in Rapper Plies Reality TV Series (With Video, of course...)

My mind's telling me no...


Pole dancers take heed - the revolution's a comin' and it has legs shaped like the letter C!

Don't expect me to shade Bushwick Bill's fraternal twin sister for being two apples tall dear readers - not when THN is but an inch taller than Kid from Kid-n-Play's high top fade at it's most elevated!

But I will definitely offer some awning-style extended shade to Plies for being the cultivator, purveyor and fuckery maestro responsible for bringing us this - and doubtless other assorted negro hijinks - through his highly (snort laugh) anticipated reality TV show "The Real Goonette."

I thought Foxy Brown had copyrighted that title???

According to Plies (whose 1998 curly collared polo shirts have set my eyelashes aflutter...) the term applies to "female hustlers" who are getting it "hard in the paint" (!) with style and grace.

And by style and grace, he means with a dollar on their forehead and buttcheek turned up to heaven!

And that's about where Lil V and her jumbo junk badunk comes in. Press play to see (t)highlights from her hot and heavy evenings at Club Toot It and Boot It making it jiggle for school supplies and explaining how she found it hard to obtain mainstream work while living with achondroplasia dwarfism. Her grown up ass on a toddler body steez has landed her gigs in several music videos - so a reality TV series was sure to follow. All I can say is girl preach - stripper jobs beat customer service anyday!


(WARNING: Not safe for life.)

Florida why do I see your fingerprints ALL OVER THIS?????


I can't knock chocolate mini mama's hustle - don't pretend like I'm the only one who's noticed these "Little People, Big World" types tend to have the double wide, extended cab booty game on permanent lock. Why not turn that econo-sized seatwarmer into a piggy bank???

As for her legs being on permanent cowboy stance? Well you can't have everythang! Hell if you know anything about dwarfism you know the leg sitch is part and parcel with the condish - or didn't you wonder why I always look like I'm squattin...

Quietly (and don't ask how I know this) I think Bridget the Midget has all but tapped the lucrative midget sex toy field. But if Lil V is determined, all I can say is swang one of those parentheses lookin' jawns up on that pole and get it how you live boo!

PS: I generally don't listen to Plies and will hold off on getting into why he has a reality TV series in another installation. I'll be needing a double dose of Benadryl and a shot of praise jaysus to sleep tonight as it is...

Indian Tribe to Obama: Why'd You Nickname Osama bin Laden Gerononimo son?

Girl I don't.

Lest you think we here at THN were racist (my commitment to the exposure of The Whites' clear efforts at wresting the lucrative coonery market from the grips of The Blacks should be proof otherwise, but I know you all are shady bastards...) I present some special edition red skin coonery, care of our Native American brothers in fuggery.

From the Daily Beast:

The Fort Sill Apache Tribe asked for an apology Thursday from President Obama for using "Geronimo" as a code name for Osama bin Laden. “Right now Native American children all over this country are facing the reality of having one of their most revered figures being connected to a terrorist and murderer of thousands of innocent Americans,” said Fort Sill Apache Tribal Chairman Jeff Houser. Geronimo is a legend among Apaches and other Native American tribes for fiercely defending his land from the U.S. and Mexican Armies.

Shouldn't you all be somewhere going extinct or something??? Ok that was just TIRED!

*standing in corner picking chitlins from teeth*

Now normally I would wholeheartedly support the agitations of my cherry-skinned brethren - after all, America defined shade by its decimation of their entire community and for that, their eye rolling and tongue clicking stunts are forever justified. However, how are you going to come after President Barack Obama for using Geronimo and not sue the entire Looney Tunes franchise? Because I'm 99.999 percent sure I heard Bugs Bunny or somebody utter about 50-leven "Geronimos" a second on those cartoons.

Don't you have bigger problems, like trying to keep existing????

Somebody toss them a check for $10,000 and a row of seats. No shade, they'd better settle down before someone shoots them in the eye and buries them at sea... I hear that's what ninjas are doin' in the streets these days!

I guess I can't shade the obvious grab for a moment of shine. I'm not fooled either: Geronimo The Movie is clearly in the works (likely with some Native American Madea action) and they're trying to get press. Can't knock the hustle. Expect Mya and Ja Rule to work their unnoticed asses into this somehow in 5-4-3-2...

For real tho? Lil Wayne/Jennifer Lopez Team for New Video

Gas is high. Osama bin Laden is dead. Jennifer Lopez music videos are back on and poppin'. Tell me this ain't end times - I dare you!

I can't speak for you, but I've been eagerly waiting for the Grand Emperor of the Troll People (Lil Wayne's official title - The More You Know!) to tap the eff out - if not from having 40 children a quarter, then at least from spitting a random "Carter" on the track of anybody willing to pay him in Rap Snax and QPs. Nivea and Lil Wayne need to hook back up so he'll be distracted...

And that's my colorful way of saying this shit right here is tragic.

Have. A. SEAT.

We won't address the brand placement - after all, you didn't think Jennifer Lopez could afford the dancers from the Coming To America bridal intro scene (I see your "She's your queeeeeen to beeeeeeee" steez about three minutes in...) on her not so lucrative salary as a washed up red carpet barnacle did you? Or did you think J Lo perfume sales were making it happen? *snort laugh*

For the record, I have always thought JLo was fabulously cunt and sick on the dance floor. Especially back in 1994 when she was most relevant as a Fly Girl on assorted In Living Color episodes. Yep, back before I had a period, she was the shizz. Mmmhmmm. Back before the Interweb.

In other words: THE GOOD SHIP RELEVANCE HAS SAILED AND YOU ARE NOT ON IT.

Your time has come. And gone. What are Jennifer Lopez babies doing right now? Oh yes - WEEPING PROFUSELY.

When I witness shenanigans such as JLo and her continued career, I feel like tearing my degree in half - why mama, why didn't you tell me to focus on ass injections and perfecting my cha cha slide?

I too could have stacked my chips and saved up to rent the old set of Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do Without You" - covered myself in bottle caps and writhed my way to musical sexcellence.

Because that's REALLY all that's going on here.

And now, for no reason other than the fact that I get pure and unadulterated life from watching that one dancer undulate in control top tights, I leave you with the Zamunda breakdown:




When I think about the adhesives that protected my 8-year-old eyes from random flashes of peen and vajay lips I say a prayer for 3M...

Mariah Carey Finally Has Babies - But Won't Name Them Just Yet (Nothing Suspect There)

UPDATE: The names are in - and amazingly, they are not inspired by My Little Pony. From CNN -

Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon have finally revealed the names of their twins who were born in Los Angeles on Saturday.

Their son is named Moroccan Scott Cannon, with the nickname "Roc". Scott is Nick’s middle name, as well as his grandmother’s maiden name.

Their daughter’s name is Monroe Cannon. Mariah's rep says she does not have a middle name because Mariah herself does not have one. Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe, who has been an inspiration to Mariah her whole life.

Aha! Mariah Carey's ho steez is finally explained! As for naming the child after the ethnicity of the Canal Street scented oil man (you know, the one with oil holster): No comment.

As you were.

What you know: After the world's longest pregnancy (don't act like you didn't notice this ho carrying high in the neck for 15 months...) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have welcomed a pair of twin babies - a boy and a girl.

What you didn't know: They haven't named the children - a sure sign of fuggery to come.

From Digital Spy:

Cindi Berger, a representative for the couple, confirmed to The AP that Carey gave birth today at 12.07pm EDT at an unknown hospital in Los Angeles.
The singer's daughter was born first, weighing 5lb 3oz, followed closely by a boy, weighing 5lb 6oz.
"My wife just gave me the most incredible anniversary gift ever in life!" Cannon tweeted earlier today. "I won't ever be able to top this!" YOU'RE MAKING THIS TOO EASY FOR ME - LOVE THN
Although the couple have yet to name the new arrivals, they are expected to renew their wedding vows tomorrow, having celebrated three years of marriage today.

Amazingly, I was just days away from leading a CIA team to the Carey compound for an orchestrated snatching of the sack full of pink feathers I was convinced Mariah Carey was keeping under her ass-skimming dress when I got news that - praise JAYSUS! - she was safely delivered of two human babies!

And all this time, I had her pegged to deliver a cheesesteak and a liter of orange Fanta! This is the best news since America assassinated Osama and dumped his body in the sea (oh yea, you're detecting shade there...)

Now onto the more pressing issue of what these doomed blessed arrivals will be named.

*snatches back curtain* I submit my Top 3 Baby Names for Mariah Carey:

1) Unicorn and Rainbow: Appropriately captures the "I'm a 5-year-old princess" vibe that Mariah Carey has cultivated for the last 17 summers while injecting a unisexual vibe. I mean, a boy OR a girl could be named Rainbow, am I right or am I right?

2) Honey and Bunny: It rhymes. What more could you want from baby names?

and my final pick (and the one I seriously DO think will happen)

3)Nick and Mariah: I could SOOOOO see these two doing that. Those babies won't have a chance.

Please say a silent prayer for the babies born into the glittery fuggery that is the Carey-Cannon dynasty.

ASHAY.