Great travesties in black film: The Heart Specialist (the devil is a liar!)

All. Star. Cast.

While you all were busy analyzing Linethia's RHOA hair sculpture, they slipped the above on us.

How glorious will this be? Take a peek and tell me:




In the name of the father, son, holy ghost and Sherman Helmsley, I want to say I officially BIND everybody involved with this. The actors. The directors. The writers. The grips. The people in charge of teasin' Marla's wigs and attaching her to the system of ropes and pullies that's surely keeping her ancient ass upright.

I will, however, send an economy sized bag of cheetos and a jar of Blue Magic to the makeup artist who spackled Jasmine Guy. Making her look 50 is truly a feet that deserves a danish or a Soul Train award or some type of recognition.

Haven't heard of this one? Apparently you're not the only one: While this is allegedly supposed to come out in two weeks (In theatres. In North America.) it still hasn't been rated.

Where they do THAT at?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, what pre-Armageddon planetary alignment has occured that created this particular slate of black "stars" (cough)? Mya and Method Man is already TRYING IT. Marla Gibbs, Terence J and Jennifer Lewis made me take my belt off.

But did they conjure up LEON???

I won't take on Avon Barksdale, since I know times have been hard since The Wire went night night, but I must give a misty side eye to Ed Asner. Dayum, what's REALLY going on there!

Again, I say, I BIND thee! The devil is a liar! This ain't over - expect to hear from my lawyer AND my ancestors behind this shenaniganry. Now let's just see which one of you all goes to see it. Tell ya what, you do that, and I'll be at home doing this:



GIFSoup

Foxy Brown now getting sued! Code Poo Poo Brown issued in response

So many sammiches ago.

Alright, Inga, this nonsense is getting just as predictable as your Argentinian- hooker-caught-in-the-rain weave stunts.

HipHopWired says:

While Foxy Brown continues to prep her return to music, her former manager is lashing out against her with a $100,000 lawsuit.

Said manager goes on to make what is surely the first viable bid for understatement of 2011:

According to her ex-boss however Foxy just needs to get help for her “self destructive” behavior.

Meanwhile, Foxy brought on this latest Shamwow during a late-night Twitter tirade involving pork rinds, Hennessy and a lot of delusions:

In addition to calling out Brennan, Foxy also previously addressed rumors that her Christmas Massacre diss was aimed solely at Lil Kim and not Nicki Minaj saying,
“And contrary to the bulls--t that was posted…”Christmas Massacre” is NOT supporting homegirl and dissin' shorty! “Massacre” is the response to b*tches thinkin' its sweet insinuating my name in that beef! “Machine Gun Kelly” b*tch!! I am the streets! I aint' taking NO sides….FOX stand alone!"

I'm just gonna go ahead and issue an Anna Nicole Smith Alert, Code PooPoo Brown for this sister. That's the international alert for when a ninja is spinning out of control and fading away faster than Naomi Campbell's hairline. This alert has previously been issued for the likes of Lauryn Hill and Young MC*.

*I just wanted to toss Young MC out there for no particular reason.

I know I've previously called for prayer circles to be formed around the tatters of Inga's edges career, and placed more than one of her chronically stressed dresses on our sick and shut in list. But I want to go farther.

Yes. I am taking the unprecedented step of issuing an eclessiastical proclamation and a final call to arms to right the oceanliner that has become Foxy Brown. Christian soldiers, I implore you to meet me at the back of Foo Yah's Yaki Depot, on 123rd in Harlem by the chicken box shack, Friday morning. Bring crosses, armor, annointing oils and patience.

We're gonna get Foxy together!

Thank goodness they weren't black moment: Hammer vs. Stick robbery

Every now and again I come across a piece of fuggery and think to myself "Glory be, I'm so glad my cousins weren't involved!" This epic drama, sugarplums, is just such an item:




I'm sure if you're Mustafa dusting off old pantyhose and rearranging stale hotdogs on the third shift at Gas n Go, there ain't much funny about this. But for the rest of us this is the reason for the season indeed.

A few study questions:

- Why'd he come bursting through the door weilding that branch like a double shotty?
- Exactly how was the hammer going to be effective?
- How did he even GET that big ass miniature tree?
- Why the bags on the feet???

Jesus take the wheel.

The Hostile Negress Speaks - New Year's Edition

Figured I'd dust this little diatribe off for you all - only about four days late, but you know how the Children of the Sun get down; you're lucky you got a New Year's jawn in January!

Spread liberally!

Look out for Auntie Viv's wedding invites - and the other signs of apocolypse

From NY Post:

Vivica Fox got engaged to her younger boyfriend, Atlanta club promoter Omar "Slim" White, 27, during the holidays. A source told us that White proposed to Fox, 46, on Dec. 26 with an 8-karat stunner while the two were staying at the Ritz Carlton in South Beach. Fox and White, who've been dating for just over a year, spent New Year's Eve with Dwyane Wade, Gabrielle Union and Sanaa Lathan at a bash hosted by Chris Bosh. It will be Fox's second marriage. Her rep confirmed the engagement.

Well I for one believe this marriage is gonna work! And I mean that about as much as you think I do.

So just for the record, the last few days have seen:

- The falling of roughly 5,000 birds from the sky over Arkansas or some other flyover state
- The release of a Foxy Brown diss track

and now this.

I'm not gonna say it. I'll let the picture do the talkin:



Pardon me while I head down to my bunker...

Queen Latifah gives Kate Middleton (that's the would-be queen of England or something) advice on being a royal

Mmmmhmmm. I DID bring that hat up.

For those of us not completely versed in the world of white people news, Prince Harry or Charles or whichever of Diana's two sons is getting married to one Kate Middletown, AKA some other immensely wealthy white person who has little to no relevance in my daily quests for hot sauce and pigs feet.

Where I DO become interested is the point at which Dana Owens decides to rely on her extensive first hand experience as a "royal" - cough stutter - to advise the young couple:

From NBC Los Angeles:

"Make sure you have a sanctuary, because everybody in the world is going to be in your business,” she advised to Middleton. "He happened to be born a prince; you happened to go to college and meet him. You're two kids who fell in love. I just hope you have a happy life. And don't take anything personally."

From her throne to your ears. I'm glad Dana had time to reflect on this in between the more important things in her life, namely, securing her pride season appearances and working on her line of extra wide shouldered, women's blazers.

I would say I hope she's touched by an angel soon, but I'll settle for her just not flipping another of those lamp shades onto her head in 2011.

Triple wide mouth yawn: The latest chapter in Weavepocalypse 2011

I don't really have a whole lot to say about Lil Kim taking the stage to declare herself and Mary J. Blige will now be involved in a diss track against Nikki Minaj and Keyshia Coles (caught-you-sleepin-in-church side eye)- mostly because I'm busy thinking up concepts for my own diss track against all of this tomfoolery.

Now someone help me hot glue some foam and mattresses to the inside of my garage so I can pop this thang off Hustle and Flow like. Expect copious references to peroxide.



(Is it wrong that I didn't know the blonde item was a person until about 35 seconds in?)